To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

What’s your situation?

Contrary to what others have said, if you are a fit and healthy 53 year old with a big network around you then, why not. Victoria Coren Mitchell had her first baby at 53.

However:

The IVF and the pregnancy and birth will be difficult at 53. And it won’t happen straight away. And I don’t know whether you are thinking nhs, because that’s probably a no. There will be no one you age ate at baby groups, i’m 40 with a one year old and I feel ancient.

Absolute Not. A purely selfish act. Dont do it, terribly unfair on any child.

My aunt (56) looked after my teething 7 month old yesterday for 3 hours.
She was very happy to give her back and she has a 13 year old so was a fairly old mother herself, she said she forgot how exhausting it was....and she didn't have the night feeds 😂

Older mum here and now similar age with pre teens. I couldn’t do it Im a high energy sort. Parenting a newborn (and at any age after) is very depleting - more than anyone can ever convey

Just for reference, when I am 53 my children will be 29 & 26 (I started relatively young compared to the average these days!).
If you have IVF and miraculously get pregnant tomorrow chances are you would be nearer 54 before baby is born....in reality you will probably be nearer to 55. You would be 84 by the time your child was 29. Even if you live a healthy long life you are unlikely to be around much past the child's 30th birthday.
You also have to ask, why now - you have had over 30 years to have a child one way or another, why leave it so late.

Would you consider adoption of an older child instead? Lots out there desperate for a forever home

It wouldn't be a very good life really would it? A mum who is pensionable before they reach their teens, and quite likely in need of care if not dead before they reach their mid 20s. It would be selfish and irresponsible to create a baby especially one who isn't even genetically related to you with all the extra complication that causes. Put the idea to rest, it's too late.

If you want to have kids you might be better off fostering or adopting?

It would be extremely selfish.
There is anassive chance the child could need to be your carer in their teens. My previously healthy mother had her first heart attack not much older than you. Her first grandchild was born when she was 56... she is now 14 and since then there has been several long hospital admissions.

Honestly OP, I had my first at 42 and I can't tell you how much I sympathise with wanting it not to be too late, but think about what life would look like for you and the child (if you were to have one) ten, 20 years down the line.

What sort of village would you have as a solo mum? What financial, emotional resources, what moral support? What sort of place do you live? Would you have to go back to work full time?

I would say you have left it too late to have a child.

it would be unbelievably selfish. Creating a child with the triple whammy of no genetic link to you, no social link to its biological parents & no broader family? Horrendous.

There might well be more health complications with an older pregnant mum and you'd have to use donor eggs and sperm? Why not consider fostering a child/children?

Please don't.

Fulfil your life in another way.

I’m 52. I had my second child at 43 and I’d do it again in a heartbeat! I’ve got a friend who’s just had a baby using donor eggs at 47. As long as you’re aware that you own eggs are probably not viable (they might be!) then why not? My BIL became a father at 57 and he loves having a little one. It’s a personal decision.

If you would likely use donor eggs and not be carrying your own biological child, why not consider adoption or fostering?

Crazy.

Pregnancy could be disastrous for you.

Someone I know has recently adopted at age 50. Might be an option?

Then no. Stupid idea with absoluteky no emotional support for bab/child .

Why didnt
you think about this at 43? It wouldve still been a big
deal then.

This is difficult to answer.

99% of the responses you will get here will tell you it’s madness, you are too old, there’s a reason for menopause at that age, it won’t work, it’s unfair on the child, etc.

And yet some clinics offer IVF at your age because sometimes it does work. I know of some celebrities who have done it. No doubt there are non-celebrities too that you won’t hear about because they’re not famous.

I am 49 and considering this too. I don’t have any other children. My menopause started in my mid-30s and I still have a desperate biological urge telling me to have a child. It’s hard to describe to anyone who isn’t in this situation and has never had that feeling. I am physically healthier now than I’ve ever been. I am financially secure. I don’t know whether I will go ahead or not but I’m certainly considering it.

Only you know what the right answer is for you.

I’m sorry but I think it’s incredibly selfish. I know you feel that you could give a child a good life, but you have no idea what the next 20 years has in store for you. And while none of know what is around the corner for us at any age, there’s a lot that could go wrong in your 50s and 60s and where would that leave a young child or teenager? You child could be caring for you just as they should be starting out in life. Or, if something happens to you, end up in care.

And that’s aside from the fact that having young children is exhausting, how you and the child will feel when you regularly are assumed to be the grandparent etc., how they will feel in the likely event that they lose their only parent fairly youngish.

I had my third and last child through IVF at nearly 43. My older kids were 15 and 17 at the time. Youngest is now 6. I have to say: raising a young child is a lot more tiring in your middle aged years than it is in your 20s or early 30s. I often think about how by the time my youngest is finishing school, I’ll be 60. There are a lot of things I could be doing in my life now my older 2 are adults, which I can’t do because I have a young child again. At 53 I think it would be very tiring (and I’d worry about longevity - losing your mum in your 20s would be very distressing).

But what about the child?

by the time your BIL’s child is 18, he will be 75. I’m in my 20s and my dad is in his 70s and it’s horrible. He has so many health issues. It’s selfish.

Contrary to what others have said, if you are a fit and healthy 53 year old with a big network around you then, why not. Victoria Coren Mitchell had her first baby at 53.

No, she didn't. She had her first at 43, and her second at 51.

In her case, she's also filthy rich and has a partner to support her.