To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

I don't think a 10 year old would want a 64 year old mum
I also don't think they would ideally want a single mum and not know who their dad is.
I think this would be very unfair

I say this from a place of kindness, don't do it, it's hard enough on the body when your young. I'm probably biased but I'm currently in hospital 3 months after having my little one still suffering birth complications. I'm 28 and feel like I've ruined my life. If this had of happened to me in my 50's my chances of recovery would be even lower

I went through IVF in my 30’s and I have no regrets at all, although the huge amount of money I lost to unsuccessful rounds hurts !!

BUT it was really gruelling - IVF is physically hard !!

parenting is physically hard -

I really get the yearning to have a child, I really do, but I think it’s a bad idea from a physical perspective in your fifties,

there is a shortage of donor eggs and long wait lists, you could be late fifties before you get a successful pregnancy!!!

and from perspective of the child, I think it’s a bad idea, to be that old and late sixties / seventies when you hit the teenage years / young adult years that in my experience have been far more draining than the younger child years !!

Hi. I understand why someone might ask this. We’re just about to have our first (hopefully) live birth after a long road and many problems along the way, and I’ll be just shy of 40 when my baby arrives. I already feel quite old - not now, as I’m very energetic and fit and don’t feel physically different to how I did at 30, but when I think ahead to my age as the child gets older and things that could go wrong I do worry very slightly.

Despite this, and despite never having had as strong a desire for children as I see in many women, I still think I would’ve struggled a bit at times had we not been able to have one. I could imagine (and often did imagine myself) in my fifties looking back and thinking about what could have been. I understand why you’re thinking about this.

I think there are two things you could think about, separately at first and then weigh them up together - an emotionally-based decision and a risk-based one.

Starting with the risk-based one, can you answer these questions and how do you feel about them?

1. How likely is it to work, balanced with what you would have to go through? (E.g. what are your chances of egg retrieval, embryo fertilisation etc., would you use a donor? What are the chances of carrying to term? What are the risks to yourself and the child?).

2.How likely are you to live until the child is comfortably into adulthood? Maybe think about wanting to be there for them in good health until at least age thirty, but also until forty if you want a more ‘ideal’ number. I’m not saying this is an ideal age to lose a parent of course- it’s still young and there is arguably no good age - but you see what I’m saying.

‘Emotional’ questions:

1. How strong is your desire for a child? Do you feel your life is missing a child, or just missing something more widely? (Or maybe you don’t feel it’s missing anything at all).
2. How would you feel if you went through it and it didn’t work? Would you feel better for having tried, knowing you’d done what you could (this was part of our reasoning) or might you feel worse having raised your hopes about it?
3. How do you feel about fostering or adoption? I say this cautiously because I was often asked the same, well-intentioned question and I’m not suggesting that these are like for like situations, but if you have a lot to offer a child they may be something to consider.

The last thing that’s worth considering is that as humans I think we tend to consider ourselves to be the exception and not the rule. What you’re considering would not work for most women your age using your own eggs - I’m unsure about with a donor. When looking at the risks and possibilities, are you considering yourself as the rule or as the exception? Nothing wrong with hoping we will be the exception but I think it’s important to be aware of that type of thinking and the realities that will most likely occur.

How in any way is this good for the child? It's not that's why, it's just what the OP "wants" sometimes for the greater good we have to give up what we dream of because it's just not practical or ethical. When the child starts to notice or be aware of the mother's age it would be so embarrassing for the kid, why would you do that?

How about fostering? I think 53 is too old to become a mother. Unless you adopt a teen? It's very tiring but you will also feel very lonely; older than all the mums in school and all your friends will have gc when you have your dc. It is exhausting. I'm 45 and mine are 12 and 15. I physically could go through a pregnancy but I know how hard it would be and how relentless the sleepless nights are.

If you’ve always wanted a child, why have you waited until now to do something about it? Why didn’t you consider it at, say 45? Sorry to be harsh but I think it’s too late now.

No haven’t still got living family

I think the biggest issue is it’s just not going to work. There is no point discussing how tired you’ll be and what will you do when they’re 18 and what if you die when really the biggest barrier you’ll encounter is procuring IVF and it working

Ah OP, I can understand how you might be feeling.

Very gently, I'd say that I'm nearly 40 and have a preschooler and holy hell am I exhausted! I definitely underestimated how tiring small kids can be. I was reasonably fit but pregnancy also took a big toll on my body and there are certain things that I suspect will never be the same again and cause me problems now.

I also lost my own mum in my early 30s (prematurely, she wasn't especially old) and I found it incredibly difficult. I think that alone would put me off having kids very late, because I'd be aware that just as they were leaving the nest to begin their own lives, I'd be heading into old age, perhaps require help or have health difficulties, and that I'd probably reach the end of my natural life while they were still relatively young. Without a father or siblings, I think that could be very difficult for them.

Wonder if you've looked into fostering? I expect it's very hard work but there are plenty of kids out there who need love and care.

Goodness me! Have you the stamina, not only for a pregnancy but for the 18+ years of hard graft that follow?

My first grandchild was born when I was 53. Whilst I was excited to take a turn in looking after her, it was always a great relief to hand her back after my stint at playing granny was over. When the grandchildren stayed overnight for a few days, I was always shattered by the time they went home (even if they only stayed one at a time).looking after little children is often exhausting.

So glad she got the outcome she longed for 💕💕💕

I’m 57 with 4 grandkids they tire me out ,but I can give them back .53 is to old .

Slightly different as not IVF and the older partner was male but one of my husbands relatives had their first child at 56 their wife was 45 and he is exhausted all the time running around after a pre schooler.
He always asks me how I manage with my brood and I reply I’m a lot younger and I get exhausted…
I personally wouldn’t in my 50’s because dealing with 2 primary and 1 secondary in my mid 40’s is hard enough, I couldn’t imagine doing it in my 50’s/60’s

I presume you're thinking of using a donated egg.

It would be very selfish in my opinion.

Newborn babies wake at least 3-4 X per night for up to the first year and then it slightly reduces after that. The physical and mental exhaustion is horrendous, even in a person's 30s.

You will likely be too tired to do all the normal things/running around that's needed when a child is 10. Your child will be embarrassed of your age, particularly as they enter their teenage years and you're constantly mistaken for their grandmother. Parents in their 20s/30s won't have much in common with you so it would be hugely isolating to you and any child in terms of playdates/meet-ups.

What if you can't work until they leave home when you're 72? Can you fund sports/instruments/overseas school trips on your pension income? If you're planning on working, childcare will cost you around £1200 per month depending on area of the country. You could have a long-term disability/dementia by the time your child is in their early 20s meaning they may feel compelled to be your carer.

Having a child at this age would be for your benefit, not for theirs. I would only proceed if you are extraordinarily wealthy (to the point you would never leave a child destitute in the event of your death or dealing with huge amounts of 'deathmin' in early adulthood/they would never need to assist with your care), and you don't mind messing them up by orphaning them/or causing them to resent you by bringing them up as someone biologically unrelated to them who is choosing to create children for their own gratification, despite being too old.

It’s ridiculous and just shouldn’t be allowed there needs to be line drawn where we interfere with science and it’s a few years before this.

Of course there is treatment available, and someone will help you if you go ahead. I can understand your desire for a child and if you use donor sperm and egg the risks to the chid are not great. I don't think the child would be disadvantaged by having a much older mother than others. MN is very ageist in general and there is the view that you are too old to be trusted even with grandchildren at 70. 75 isn't that old these days, there are plenty of 75 year olds climbing mountains, running, and lots down at my gym looking great. if you had a child of 20 at 75 they would be almost fully independent.
If you mentioned you had a partner, a sister or a very close friend to help you I'd say it would be worth some consideration. You say you are entirely on your own and for me this would be too much. You could get a nanny to support you but if you were ever seriously ill, or injured, there could be enormous problems.
You also have to think about what it is you want for yourself in the years to come, for me, although I would love to have a grandchild I would not want a baby. I've been trying to think of anyone I know who has older parents. I do have one friend whose mother was nearly 50 when he, an only child, was born, his father was 70 (they had given up hope of a baby years before). Apart from the fact that he took his father on holiday when he was in his 90's I don't think he thought his situation was exceptional.
I wonder if you think about what it is that is making you want that baby there might be other things that would bring the same satisfaction, but what those are is for you to work out.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

I take it that it will be somewhere like Turkey who will do this for you?
Don’t do it OP. You will not have the energy to bring up children.

Buy a puppy. They don't wreck your pelvic floor.

Very brave!

Absolutely ridiculous idea, for all the myriad reasons listed above.

Consider fostering if you really, truly believe that you could offer a child a good, stable home. But IVF would be an appalling idea, for both you and any future child.

Sorry to be so blunt.

I feel you’ve missed the boat. Ten years ago, this could have been an ok idea- albeit with increased risks even then. But at 53- I think this would be bonkers and really selfish, sorry.

Fostering is an amazing thing in itself but I think involves a somewhat different mindset .. which I’ve not reached yet

However I may reach the fostering mindset in the next few years, who knows? But I think you HAVE to be in the correct headspace for it which is not one I’m in atm

If you will need to use donor egg and sperm, what on earth is the point of putting your body through pregnancy?!

If you have a lot of love to give then look into fostering and adoption. There are so many children already in the world desperate for loving homes.

I’d sign up for some emergency fostering babies and see how you manage?

it’s not on the cards for you to have a biological child at this age. Possibly adoption for a school age at the youngest if that’s something you’re interested in.