Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

Mine is 9 and I’ve still not left her - OP, you’re not wrong. Your friend isn’t wrong either for asking you, but she would be wrong to push or make you feel guilty.

That sounds utterly selfish EMUKE.

Yes you’re happy at home, great, but why would it not be ok to sacrifice a couple of days to make your friend happy. If you’re a single parent without childcare I’d absolutely understand, but you’re not, you just don’t want to sacrifice your time for an important event for your friend, so why not say that and be honest. Also I see a lot of threads about ‘i can’t leave my child with their father’ the dad is just as responsible and should have equal time with the child, it all seems a bit needy to assume the dad can’t pick up the childcare. Yes you’ve had kids and your priority’s change, of course! But the rest of the world doesn’t stop existing, and the baby is not a newborn so you’re just being selfish IMO.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

Obviously you physically could leave the baby with your husband, and many people do, which is totally fine (I did). But if you don’t want to, I don’t see why you should have to spend money and time away from your baby just because someone else wants you to.

Could you suggest a dinner instead?

The point is that this is what her friend has asked for, so I think it’s rude to say no thanks but we can do something I want to do. It’s not your birthday it’s your friend’s, and not being able to carve time out to do what she’s asked is just selfish, unless you have a reason such as finances or childcare, but just ‘I don’t want to’ is very rude. It’s not like she’s asked you to leave your child for a week away, it’s a weekend. I think a sense of perspective is needed. I wouldn’t bother with you as a friend if you couldn’t bother for something that’s important to me.

This made me laugh, honestly it does seem like that sometimes.

Nah. Nobody needs to go away for a weekend for their birthday.

You are missing the point, we dont want both we want to be with our children. People who are desperate on having friends are bizarre and needy to me,last time i was interested in having a “friend” was when i was 7. I have aquitances who i have brief social chats with (while doing something with my kids etc) but noway i would take time away from my family to go spend time with some random people.

Friend is fully grown woman and is finding out what boss girl life is about-no kids no partner desperately clinging on to someone giving her attention. OPs life is on a different path,her child wants her mum than a needy adult

I find this very sad. I love the company of other women. My friends are the family I’ve chosen.

My children don’t want to be my whole world, they are of course my priority not my whole world. I work, I have interests outside of them & I love spending time with friends. Having mum friends makes playgrounds way less boring for staters. Children stop being dependant remarkably quickly. My children (who are young primary school) like that I have friends.

My mum is approaching being elderly. My dad died over ten years ago, my only sibling lives abroad. I see a lot of her. But she is very lonely. She has some friends but having more would make her life so much less lonely & richer.

Ssying effort is only needed for life events is great, unless you are the one who gotten engaged, married, baby etc.

So single women must be sure to celebrate other people’s life events, but tolerate having celebrating their birthday as unnecessary. .

Each to their own but given the vast majority of people are interested in having friends, it's hardly a 'bizarre' concept! I think it's healthy for children to see their parents having their own relationships and friendships. It's a lot of pressure on a child, especially as they get older, if they are the only thing you have in your life.

Nah. She can just have a dinner or a lunch, like a normal person.

I expect you chucked in the 'very lonely person' to help her seem more unreasonable. She isn't a 'very lonely' person if she has other people in her life.

You don't want to go because no, it seems you 'can't spend one single night' away from your kid. When you are ready to re-join the human race don't expect her or anyone else you ditched to be there waiting for you with open arms.

Yeah that bizarre and needy doesn't make a lot of sense when talking about normal human behaviour. Children need to see adults model healthy relationships. I don't see that sort of dynamic playing out well long term when the children grow up and want to start their own lives but their parents have no life outside of them.

If you told her (or implied) that the main or only reason you can't go is because you can't leave your toddler, then her response makes sense. You've said she was very upset, so I'm going to assume there was a lot more going on than you've described, but the question itself is normal. Why ask why she wants a weekend away instead of dinner out? It's her birthday and she wants what she wants. You've said no thanks, and she's going anyway, so I'm not sure there's much to worry about here. You could invite her out for a birthday dinner or lunch or tea or drink or whatever when she's back, if that's what you think is appropriate.

banananas1999: You are missing the point, we dont want both we want to be with our children. People who are desperate on having friends are bizarre and needy to me,last time i was interested in having a “friend” was when i was 7. This is a "you" thing, and totally irrelevant to the thread, as OP DOES both have and want friends and is just asking for perspective on managing one situation in one specific friendship. Maybe start your own thread if you need support or validation?

You are absolutely not being selfish no one has to say yes to anything they don’t want to do. We certainly shouldn’t be saying yes just because they are our friends and want to keep them happy. I gave up saying yes to everything some time ago and I have to say my life has become so much calmer. I no longer have to stress about the the things I said yes to just to keep that person happy. After saying no a few times it is something that becomes easier to do.

Whats there to do with friends- go out for a meal? I rather go have that meal with my family,and in not talking about just kids im takking about my parents,in laws etc- people who matter not randoms. Go drinking? Dont drink ever, never have had habits like this. My children are grateful that both their parents are present, take then to places they wish to go and also because neither of us spends money on alcohol/cigs/dont have expensive hobbies or hobbies that take us away from our family,this allows us invest all our money and time on our children.

I was talking to another poster there not the OP, someone misunderstood that some women when they become mothers put their child first because thats what they want not because the dad cant be trusted to take care of the child or they are chained to the kitchen sink. Priorities change as they should.

Mine is also 17 months, I’m at the stage now where I would be happy to leave them for one night - we’ve been away for a night for a wedding and for my birthday, my son had a ball with his grandparents. I’ve also had to have a night away for a conference while my husband had the baby. Could you consider 1 night away as a compromise - leaving baby with his dad?

My husband and I spent a decade doing our thing before the kids, travelling etc,we will return to that or other hobbies when our kids are grown. Right now its their time,time, fun funds- we go where they want to travel etc, spend time with relatives every other day,couple of times a week and the kids have their friends. Husband can work from anywhere in the world,kids are home ed, we have relatives in different countries who we can visit anytime- theres no lack of socialization. Im talking about pointless waste of time,if thats what you call a good example of socialization,like drinking alcohol,putting “nights out” above your kids- pointless. I save that money and take my kids to Moominland in Finland so we can meet up with family from my side, or take a cruise to Stockholm etc.

Your child isn’t 17 months. Your child is almost a year and a half. Stop babying. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. You’ll likely lose a friend but it doesn’t sound like you’re that invested in this friendship anyway.

I do find it somewhat bizarre on MN that the generation of women who like to believe they are such strident feminists seem to be more like 1950s women when it comes to children.
You absolutely should have a life outside of your toddler. Do not define yourself by being a mother
I can never understand why women cling to their children when they are babies and toddlers, then complain when they are older that their partner can't/doesn't know how to look after them.
Then they come on MN, when they are told to LTB because he is not 'supportive'.
It's dysfunctional.

Your friend will be there for you long after your child flies the nest and is more interested in their friends/romantic partner/their own interests than spending time with you. The decades after your child grows up could be significantly enriched by your friendships if you put in the effort in the formative years to maintain them. If you constantly forgo your friendships in favour of your children, you will have nobody left; loneliness is a real killer in older age.

Your child is 17 months old and I'm assuming not breastfed. They have a capable father- do you not trust his parenting skills? So many children today lack resilience and believe that they are centre of the universe. This is perpetuated by today's notion that the child comes first no matter what and mothers must sacrifice every fibre of their being to be at their whim. Being there for your friend will do both DH and your DC the world of good and will hopefully set a healthy precedent that you can and do deserve a night out/time away.

You sound like an insufferable dullard. Reducing the concept of female friendships to them being "randoms" because they're not related to you is bizarre. Is it a defence mechanism because you don't have any of your own friends? Did you lose them for constantly bleating on about your kids and now you have a chip on your shoulder? Do you think your children will want to spend all of their time with their middle-aged Mum when they hit 18 and the decades that follow? Enjoy being a lonely old woman.

They are not random people..I have known some of my friends since primary or secondary school, some since uni, others from first job thirty years ago. We've grown up through life stages together, seen each other through major ups and downs and happen to live all over the country. To catch up it pretty much always involves an overnight stay. Why on earth is it "needy"?

Even more bizarre..the display of complete inability to appreciate that people are different. A pp said "noone needs a weekend away for their birthday"... well no, you don't NEED it, but you can highly desire it and wish to spend a decent amount of time to celebrate a milestone, possibly associated with overcoming illness or divorce or career disaster. When I turn 50 I am regarding it as a celebration of having survived what life has thrown at me over the last ten years, it's not about "congratulations on being born", it's "congratulations on overcoming X and being here and are to celebrate" . It's not pathetic or needy, really quite normal.