Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

You know when you read those threads where someone says something like "DH is in hospital and I don't drive and we live 30 miles from school so can't do the school run and got no food in and have absolutely not one single friend I can ask to help" and you wonder how people can literally know nobody or have any kind of "village" at all??

Well, now I have read this thread I understand! 😂

To have a Village you have to be a Villager and that means occasionally making an effort for your friends.

Although i wouldn't have gone away with friends overnight when my kids were that age, I do think it's important to keep up friendships. I was widowed when my kids were 11 and 13 and was really glad I'd kept up friendships. They helped so much. Each in different ways.

The first time I left ds overnight was for a reunion type catch up with my closest uni friends ds would've been about the same age, it was one night he was with dh his dad, I was tired but I missed being myself and it's so hard to get everyone together at the same time because we all scattered after graduation. I was the first of that group to have a baby even though I was 34! My lovely lovely friends had already decided that as most of the rooms had more than one bed or were on the ground floor, there was a small cosy double room in the attic they allocated me by myself so I could get a good night sleep away from any noise. I had a wonderful day and evening, and a massive lay in, brunch with friends and went home in the afternoon. It was marvellous.

I didn't leave ds overnight with anyone other than dh until he was 3.5 (grandparents), so I do get it, but they're with their father and it's only one night. You might feel better for it.

What are the logistics here OP? Is there any scope for offering to meet for a shorter period or dinner rather than a full weekend?

It's important to make time for your friends after becoming a mum. Even if you're happy to just spend time with your kids they are going to grow up and lose interest in you one day, especially if you have no personality because you've not had a life outside of them. I'd try and find some sort of a compromise here if you can.

@NotSmallButFunSizeI completely agree with you. It’s all very well having an ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude, until one day you’re not alright and everyone who might once have supported you has gone.

Sometimes going on a break and being ‘ready’ creates extra work. I’m sure OP wants to do nothing, if given the chance.

yep and that effort doesn’t have to be go away or you’re a shit friend. There’s a whole scale of effort

Yes, thankfully none of my friendships were dependent on overnight stays.

OP, I forgot to say - as a childfree person, I would not be upset at all if you didn't want to leave your toddler for a weekend, and would completely understand your situation! It sounds like you're happy to have dinner and/or drinks with your friend, which to me, is a perfectly reasonable compromise.

It's ok to not want to do something, even if the person who suggested it is looking to celebrate a special occasion or is lonely.

OP may not want to leave her child yet which is different for everyone. Or OP may not enjoy the kind of weekend her friend would want, if someone asked me to go out clubbing at this current stage of my life I wouldn't be too enthused. Or this friend may be hard work and a full weekend might be a little too much for OP right now.

It doesn't sound like OP and this friend are on the same page and unfortunately making this one weekend make it break for the friendship will only make things more fraught between them.

Did this friend spend hundreds on your hen do, wedding hotel and baby shower? If so you are being a horrible friend to not do one night away for her.
if you really can’t go them please do something else kind and thoughtful locally for her.

Even if this was a good friend who had spent hundreds on your hen do, hotels for your wedding, attended and brought gifts to your baby shower and child’s christening and first bday?

Op, out of interest, if this was your friends hen do, or if this was her wedding which you needed to stay one night in a hotel for, would you attend then?
if not then it sounds like you’re not good friends Any more and you don’t value her friendship that much. If yes, you would, then you’re basically saying she’s only worth celebrating and making and effort for if she’s on the same life path as you, which is really unkind

Not really. If OP was to make the effort for such an event, it could be because these are hopefully once-in-a-lifetime, big life events and not what you’re implying (that friend has met some social standard in the eyes of OP 🙄). Birthdays are not comparable to an hen or wedding and not everyone thinks a big fuss / trip away is necessary.

I wondered if she means she is now ahead of her friend in life because she is married and has a child.

Yes, I wondered that too. It’s a pretty depressing opinion if so.

Entirely up to you whether you say yes or no to any invitation at any time.

But have a think about why you are saying no, you mention being exhausted. Is that because all night time wakings are falling to you maybe?

When my eldest was that age I was doing regular night shifts so I had to make sure my husband tuned in and got used to resettling them.

As you are exhausted then I think I would politely decline the trip but suggest a lovely meal out somewhere more local.

Well I'm not married, I'm planning to elope, not religious, didn't have a baby shower and my baby is under 1. But that aside I would try and suck it up for a good friend but a whole weekend is a lot and it doesn't sound like OP is actually that close to the birthday host, she mainly expresses guilt about her not having many other friends and being lonely. It's possible they don't really enjoy each other's company anymore.

It might be time for them both to reevaluate this friendship, unfortunately people can grow apart and not realize it's happening until things have grown quite distant

Yes completely this. Going away for a weekend is not the only way to be a good friend and I am a bit shocked that anyone would suggest she is a poor friend for not wanting to go. There are so many other ways to see and support friends.

There appear to be a bunch of nutters on this thread who think not going away for a weekend for a birthday means you're not a good friend.

But, of course, that's utter fucking bollocks.

So don't go. She can have a dinner or a lunch with you instead, and accept that like a normal person.

I’m not sure how to vote on this one. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty if you don’t go OP but it may be good for you to go (get some rest and a break from parenting and nurture your friendship). If your friend has been to lots of events like hen dos and the wedding etc for you it is fair to be there at her event, even if it’s just a birthday. However I’ve also got a lonely friend who can be quite demanding at times, even though I love her and want to support her it can be too much (for example she won’t just meet for a coffee, she ends up spending the whole day with me and tries to make plans for the next day and next weekend, she gets upset when I have other plans). I’d try to compromise with her if you can, plan a day out together if you feel comfortable with that.

A significant numbers of Mners struggle socially, don’t have friends, and answer questions on ordinary fruendship dynamics rather as if they were speculating about the behaviours of an uncontacted tribe or alien species.

Soon as you become a parent your responsibilities change. Priority’s are different. I wouldn’t go either she won’t understand and if your anything like me I’m happy at home. I’m happy with the hubs and my kids ensuring they are looked after and happy. I wouldn’t feel guilty, I find friends like this just aren’t on the page and that’s ok. Don’t go out of your way to please IMO

You’ve answered your own question OP - you’ve said you don’t want to go, there’s nothing unreasonable about that.

i haven’t left my 19 month old yet either. You don’t have to justify your reasons if you don’t want to go.

I think a whole weekend is a big ask, and no one should assume it’s ok or that it’s everyone’s idea of fun. It takes a lot of energy to be sociable all the time and of course you are exhausted with a small child. Explain that an afternoon or night out is enough for you at the moment.