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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

231 replies

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 14:50

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

OP posts:
Wtafdidido · 12/09/2025 14:55

I wouldn’t take it personally. It’s their age but I equally wouldn’t be funding all their outings and activities. Have you actually asked them to join you for a meal or activity?. At their age they are used to their independence and doing what they want when they want and don’t generally have to consider anyone else. Whilst it would be nice if they took your daughter out the bottom line is that to them she is still a kid, doesn’t speak the language and they are probably not close like friends or family so taking her with them would be nice but no fun for them.

outerspacepotato · 12/09/2025 15:01

They're on a holiday, they're doing their thing, and they don't want to take a younger person around that they're not related to and have to translate for. Translating everything gets really wearing.

I think your expecting them to take your daughter on their excursions and side trips and visits is unreasonable.

Why aren't you guys learning some Italian?

I don't think they're being rude

HeddaGarbled · 12/09/2025 15:01

While I can see that it’s a bit disappointing for you and your daughter, I can also understand that they are snatching the, presumably rare, opportunity to catch up with old friends.

It’s that old trope: just because you and your husband chose to share your lives, doesn’t mean the young people in your separate families have to.

Original poster
MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 15:03

outerspacepotato · 12/09/2025 15:01

They're on a holiday, they're doing their thing, and they don't want to take a younger person around that they're not related to and have to translate for. Translating everything gets really wearing.

I think your expecting them to take your daughter on their excursions and side trips and visits is unreasonable.

Why aren't you guys learning some Italian?

I don't think they're being rude

Edited

I am learning Italian. DD hasn’t been doing this as she was focusing on learning German for her exams.

OP posts:
Drivingmissrangey · 12/09/2025 15:04

I think this is a tough one. I assume these kids have never lived together, so not a blended family in that sense, yet you are trying to force them to spend time together. I can see why they don’t want to play translator when catching up with old friends and family.

But they are also grown adults, taking advantage of a free holiday and I don’t think asking for some family time is unreasonable at all. Your DH should have set out some ground rules in my opinion. Yes you can go out tonight, but tomorrow is family dinner kind of thing.

Then not taking your DD along ti the wakeboarding is just rude though in my view.

CharmCharmCharm · 12/09/2025 15:10

It’s tough if they’re catching up with friends they haven’t seen for years and are probably excited to spend time with. It would be a bind to cart your dd around translating for her etc and would change the dynamic. Can’t you and DH take her out and about instead? Does she usually spend a lot of time with them, are they close?

summitfever · 12/09/2025 15:10

Hmm it’s your job to entertain your kids on holiday I’m afraid not theirs. It would be nice if it all worked out that way indeed but your kids have come into their lives when they were already adults so zero obligation I’m afraid. You can’t force friendships and you can’t expect people to take responsibility for their dad’s gfs kids. Sorry they’re not doing anything wrong but I get it would be convenient

deckchairmayhem · 12/09/2025 15:10

You see it as a blended family holiday. They see it as going home, or to sort of home places of their childhood.
They re adults and can do their own thing really. I'm sure they really grateful to their papa for paying for it. Just let them get on with it.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/09/2025 15:11

I don't think it's their responsibility, I'm afraid. They are making the most of their holiday. Unless you paid for them to come under the agreement they take your dd out to socialise, then they aren't doing anything wrong.

Surely your dd was expecting to hang out with you though? She signed up for a family holiday, that sort of goes with the territory.

CreteBound · 12/09/2025 15:13

No you can’t inflict your choices on these adults, they have no obligation to your DD. It’s quite entitled to expect this

Branleuse · 12/09/2025 15:13

i dont think thats "incredibly rude". I just think theyre doing their own thing, as young adults. They arent responsible for entertaining your teenager.
It would have been lovely if they had, but I think youre being harsh by saying theyre incredibly rude not to.
If your daughter doesnt want to do anything with you and dh, and your son doesnt want to do anything she finds fun, then how come its your stepkids that are labled incredibly rude, and not yours?
I get that its probably frustrating for you that your kids arent more eager to do things, but i dont think you should be making it the others responsibility,

outerspacepotato · 12/09/2025 15:19

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 15:03

I am learning Italian. DD hasn’t been doing this as she was focusing on learning German for her exams.

Show quote history

She could have learned some basic Italian in the 2 years you've been married, especially as he has family in the South.

But it still doesn't address why you think they are incredibly rude for not taking her with them. They're full adults and there's a significant age gap and she doesn't speak the language. They're back home in a way. They're seeing people they know and you're coming off entitled.

I'm kind of seeing why they don't want to spend a lot of time with you.

Whateverwillwedonow · 12/09/2025 15:19

Drivingmissrangey · 12/09/2025 15:04

I think this is a tough one. I assume these kids have never lived together, so not a blended family in that sense, yet you are trying to force them to spend time together. I can see why they don’t want to play translator when catching up with old friends and family.

But they are also grown adults, taking advantage of a free holiday and I don’t think asking for some family time is unreasonable at all. Your DH should have set out some ground rules in my opinion. Yes you can go out tonight, but tomorrow is family dinner kind of thing.

Then not taking your DD along ti the wakeboarding is just rude though in my view.

I agree with this.
They are adults doing their thing, it would be nice if they did take your dd out for the day especially as you paid but you can’t make them.

Also agree with your Dh.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 12/09/2025 15:21

Why would they want to take your children on trips? They're not friends.

NannyOggsScones · 12/09/2025 15:24

When you paid for the holiday did you tell them it was conditional on them entertaining your DD? You’ve done a lot of assuming here. Your kids didn’t grow up together. Your DD is 18 she could say to them can I come with you. Also why the sly dig about one of the twins going on dates with two separate men? They haven’t been rude, your expectations are misplaced

BlondieMuver · 12/09/2025 15:25

NannyOggsScones · 12/09/2025 15:24

When you paid for the holiday did you tell them it was conditional on them entertaining your DD? You’ve done a lot of assuming here. Your kids didn’t grow up together. Your DD is 18 she could say to them can I come with you. Also why the sly dig about one of the twins going on dates with two separate men? They haven’t been rude, your expectations are misplaced

This covers it...

bumbaloo · 12/09/2025 15:26

OP you need to stop thinking of them as ‘kids’ who should hang out. Would you want to go to your home city and be asked to take an 18 year old who you don’t really know that well who can not speak the language with you?
yiur DHs dc are just some adults on holiday. They don’t want to ‘babysit’ some 18 year old on their holiday

Owly11 · 12/09/2025 15:28

No they are not being rude. You are disappointed but that’s something different. You are not really family to them - just their dad’s new wife.

nomas · 12/09/2025 15:29

I would just stop making any effort with them.

Don’t cook for them or take them out, let DH deal
with them.

Arrange fun things with your kids and tell DH he is welcome to come.

Chompingatthebeat · 12/09/2025 15:29

Maybe they feel their needs were not taken into account so much, when their parents divorced

JellyBeanSpring25 · 12/09/2025 15:29

There’s quite a difference in maturity at 18 and 23. I can see why they wouldn’t want your DD to join in as they’d just be ‘minding’ her especially as she’s doesn’t speak the language.

CalmHiker · 12/09/2025 15:32

YAB very U

I wouldn't expect my own children to feel obligated to be stuck with us. Of course we're paying for the holiday, but I would be delighted if mine were making the most of the holiday and enjoying themselves.

You are a bit hypocritical too, YOU wrote about your DD
doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore.

I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little
You are being silly - she's not their responsibility.

I would do nothing, just try to find something your DD would enjoy like you would if the twins were not there.

stayathomer · 12/09/2025 15:33

It is a mixture of age and personalities, I often see people/ teenagers and children who go out of their way to include others and I think it’s lovely, unfortunately your sc (and a good majority tbf) don’t have that attitude. It’s a pity in particular for your autistic d that they’re out for a fun holiday for themselves, but other than a nudge I don’t know there’s much you can do

ishimbob · 12/09/2025 15:34

I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect them to spend more time with you all as a family since you have come on a family holiday

But especially with the language barrier, I do think it's unreasonable to expect them to take your DD out with their friends/cousins

RogerR4bbit · 12/09/2025 15:36

You say your DD “doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore” but don’t understand why your DH’s adult-offspring don’t want to hang around with you 🤔

You also expected your SC to act as babysitters/interpreters/tour guides for your DD instead of just enjoying their holiday and not caring for someone else’s child for free.

I think you have a very different expectation of what “holiday” means. Had you expected childcare in return for paying for the holiday for your SC, you should have negotiated that at the time of invite, I.e. “we’re happy to pay for your flight and accommodation, but in exchange we want you to care for our DD for X number of days.” Then they could have decide if that deal was worth it or not.

If you actually wanted to treat your SC to a holiday that they’d enjoy, then congratulations! You seem to have done just that.

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