Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

They may also be using not drinking/no drivers licence/not the right language as pretexts to avoid saying outright that they don't want to hang out with your DD.

Which may be hard to accept, but isn't their fault, DDs fault, or yours for that matter

It's just how the cards have fallen for 2 sibling groups of late teens/young adults that can't be made to like each other

So you've done it twice before and now for a third time expecting a different result? Why not offer to pay for a friend to come if DD needs company? One her own age who speaks her language and enjoys doing the same things as her. What does your DS do on these holidays? Sounds like he amuses himself?

But you’re not really a family. Sorry. The situation wasn’t of their choosing.

How much time do the two sisters spend together when they’re not on holiday? Maybe holidays from their Dad are a chance for them to spend time with each other as well as see him.

Why can’t your daughter arrange to go wakeboarding / into Milan separately? She’s an adult so doesn’t need her parents’ permission.

They were practically adults when you got together with your DH with a whole lifetime behind them of making connections in Italy and visiting, its their world essentially but one they only visit. Of course they want to do what they do there, its not like your families were blended from kids so they're leaving a close sibling out.

18 to 23 is a big enough age gap to change the tone of conversation even if they all were speaking one language, let alone translating. They're visiting what is a home away from home to them, but your husband should be funding them if they're spending on things. Yeah it'd be nice for them to bring your daughter along but it's also not unreasonable that they aren't.

why rude? it's a holiday, not a prison sentence.
Why should people be stuck with each other just because they are "on holiday"?
Surely it's up to everyone what they do while they are away.

You don't fund a family holiday and expect your kids to follow you everywhere once they are old enough to be independent .If they join in, great, if they don't, great too.

YABU

Like you said though, DD is an adult. Why do they need to take her anywhere?

'I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway'

I know translating is hard have done it before. I have done family a favour like this before. I didn't have to, i have shown people around touristy sites which i went to on many a school trip.

I just think it would be nice of them to take the daughter out. Seeing as they're from the country and would be doing their dad and stepmum a small favour.

23 year olds do not want to hang around with 18 year olds.

Sorry yes I think YABU. They are young adults, on holiday, living their lives. They’ve not grown up with your kids so they aren’t really that interested. I think you perhaps have unrealistic expectations- I think you have to accept that they are not going to ever have a sibling type relationship with your kids, and vice versa.

I don’t think it would be unreasonable for them to be asked to attend a special meal one night, but taking your daughter wakeboarding and to Milan seems much too much to ask of someone who’s on their own holiday too.

I wonder if this is a cultural difference and that the stepchildren haven’t been told that this is a family holiday and they see it as a holiday (funded by dad) where the rest of you happen to be in the same country at the same time?

I think it’s understandable that they’d rather dd wasn’t there. The friends have history and it would be quite boring for your dd not to know the background to the jokes and anecdotes that the friends have plus the translating is tough after a drink. If your dd was hoping to do something just with the twins then that’s also unreasonable as they clearly have friends that they want to reconnect with.

It sounds like there’s a history of the twins doing stuff separately and presumably their dad is happy with that? Unless he specifically told them to take your dd with them then I don’t think it’s rude tbh. I don’t think that the fact that you paid means that they owe you their time and attention unless that www specifically said when the holiday was announced. It sounds like family holidays are about everyone travelling to and from a destination and doing separate things in the past so it’s not unreasonable for the twins to do that again this year.

I think this would be wise. It sounds like you accept you were BU there. His young adult DC also just sound a lot more independent than yours. Despite being not too far apart in age, they're obviously at quite different stage. I'd make future plans accordingly rather than assuming they'll be available to keep your DD company.

On the family meals point, would DH like them to join you too, or is it more of an informal turn up if you want to arrangement?

Take a friend for your DD next time you go away or just stop giving the adult children free holidays. They can pay their own way.

5 years is not a long time at all. Even if the relationship means a lot to you, to them you are simply the woman their father met after they (presumably) moved out for uni. You didn't parent them from a young age or built up any significant emotional connection. So they don't really owe you their time or company, especially on a homeland trip that their father is presumably paying part or all of.

None of the people in this conversation are ‘kids’ and id bet anything the older two aren’t seeing this as a blended family.

they probably don’t see it any differently from their normal trips their dad pays for

This is really interesting, thanks.

Wow, yes, you're being unreasonable. Massively so.

If you want someone to hang out with your DD then bring a friend and pay for them to join you. It sounds like you can easily afford it.

Thanks everyone. Spoke to DH some more about it and he has said he will talk to them about even just taking her wakeboarding once as they are booked to go twice more before the trip ends. He thinks it’s unfair to expect them to take her to Milan as they aren’t going to be tourist, rather they are meeting up with childhood friends who have since moved to Milan, he also imagines they are probably worried DD would come back and tell me things they don’t want parents to know, he said they usually smoke and maybe even use weed when with their friends so they are probably trying to avoid making DD feel more uncomfortable than she already would just by not speaking the language.
He also noted that as his kids only learnt Italian as children and through him they probably don’t have the same linguistic ability to just flip between Italian and English the way they can with French and English or French and Italian.

Is your DD a young and quiet 18? As I was backpacking alone on my year off then and I would have found my own fun.

Yeah your expectations are unrealistic. There’s no reason why your DD can’t go into Milan by herself - she’s 18 and she can get by in English. She can take her time exploring and do whatever she likes at her own pace.

She’s only just turned 18 and is generally pretty shy and quiet. She likes DHs DS a lot but has said he finds his DD quite intimidating, she admitted it’s probably just as she has quite a chic, worldly, cultured life and doesn’t feel like she is only a few years older. DD has said she’d like to go out with them though as they are both fun to be around, really funny etc.

Thanks everyone. Spoke to DH some more about it and he has said he will talk to them about even just taking her wakeboarding once as they are booked to go twice more before the trip ends.

Please, please don't do this. They are grown adults and shouldn't be expected to entertain your daughter.

I agree with you that it would be nice, but they don’t agree, and that is ok too.

They have made it clear that they just don’t want to and avoided making any plans in the most polite way they can, when they’re been put on the spot and pressured to do something they’ve never shown any interest in doing.