Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

I kind of read it that is like a coming home trip to them. Whilst they think of France as they home country they obviously have a whole life of memories in Italy. The age gap, the language, the friendships, the culture and the fact they feel so at home here indicates a huge gap between them and your children. I do also think at 23yrs that they are just doing what young adults do which is mainly just putting themselves first and trying to live life to the full.

The wrong location has been picked for a “all together” kind of holiday. For your step children it is a familiar place, where they have connections with people - both family and friends. It’s natural they would do their own thing, especially as they’re fluent in Italian.

A holiday where the location was new to you all might have been better in terms of encouraging everyone to spend time together.

I read this as two adults wanting to create a “family” with their young adult children playing as siblings. It’s never going to work, it’s a fantasy.

It is really cheeky of you to expect them to babysit your dd, especially when they don’t even share a language. Why would they want to ‘take her under their wing’? The fact that their Dad got married is not a reason, but it seems to be all you have.

Your step children aren’t there as a convenience for you. They owe you nothing except basic manners.

My in-law extended family is in Poland.
My father in law wanted us to maintain the links when my DH and I were in our 20s so he funded our element of the family trips. In our turn, decades later we funded our own young adult children's trips to visit the family.

It's not like funding a normal holiday. If you have family links in other countries that you want your kids to know about and have a connection with, then it's on you to help facilitate that when your kids are at an age where their income is low.

I don't know enough about wakeboarding to understand what taking her would entail, but if they are experienced at it and she is a beginner, say - then again, that might be difficult.

Does DD actually want to hang out with them?

Agreed, they are not really step-siblings apart from on paper - they didn't grow up in the same household. Not fair of you to expect them to have a random (to them) teenager tagging along just because their dad has married said teenagers mum. Most parents if they can afford it, at least in my social circle, would take their young adult children on holiday and fund it with no strings attached, but you seem to think they in effect owe you some 'babysitting'.

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong either. Taking an unrelated, non-Italian speaking 17 year old along does not sound like fun - why would they?! You need to be doing stuff with her!

It depends how close they are in general to your kids. They're adults and clearly have quite an established set of friends and things to do there.

You and your partner can't force them. But why can't they pay their own way? Presuming they must have jobs?

I would just be happy my kids were with me and just let them come along to what I was doing. Rather than foist them upon these two unwilling adults who will be with their Italian friends who don't speak English.

It also won’t be much fun for the OP’s DD if they’re mostly speaking in Italian, which they inevitably will be (and they should feel free to do so)

I mean it would be nice if they took her out once seeing as you and your husband have paid for everything.

Yes they want to hang around with friends and family. But you say your daughter would like to do a couple of touristy things away from the adults it hardly seems like a big ask of your step children.

Your SC are rude, OP. They could have spent at least one or two nights with you, and could have made some kind of effort to integrate you DD and DS into their friendship group while on their home turf! That’s basic manners, and has nothing to do with whom you deem to be family.

The translation thing is an easy get-out for them, yes it slows things down a bit but it’s important to work on the skills that allow you to act as a social lubricant if I’m allowed to use that slightly creepy term. Everyone benefits. But your SC are too self-centred for that.

Just in case it makes any difference, I speak four languages, with a large gap in competency between languages 3 and 4. I would still really enjoy having a stab at translating, and I wouldn’t feel for instance that I’d have to translate from language 4 to language 1 before being able to translate back to, say, language 2 or 3. It does not work that way, at least for me.

@CynicalSunni but if they are going into Milan, it probably isn't to do the Duomo or the museums.

Also, wouldn't OP want to do the touristy things - so maybe they could go in and do the Duomo together than split up so DD gets some independence in the shops or grabbing a coffee.

The fact you’ve paid ‘for everything’ doesn’t mean they owe you to be childminding (because unfortunately that’s what taking your dd will feel to them - someone they dint know they’ll be lumbered with for the day). Well not unless you see your relationship with them as purely transactional.

You can expect them to spend time with all of you together. That’s what sharing a hols mean.

The missing family meals thing is ruder than the not taking your DD thing - but that's really on your DH and his expectations of them.

Has he actually said "right, Wednesday we are all eating together and then watching a film" and they've said no, or has it all been vague?

And that is a surprise to you??

You didn’t think that spending your time translating for all parties involved is tiring, breaks the flow and would stop the fun for everyone?

Im French, dh is British. Dh never comes with me when I see my friends. For that exact reason. (And yes we’ve been married 25+ years too)

It's hardly a big ask as I said, even taking half a day showing the touristy sites.
Might be a nice thing to do for the people who paid for your holiday.

I have no idea if the OP wants to do the touristy things. Or if they havent already done that with her daughter?

She asked if the daughter could go out with them a couple of times to get a break and some sights away from the parents. They said yes then no. Then they find it tiring to translate.

I don’t think you’re BU about them never spending any time with you all eg having meals. That is rude but it seems they think it’s fine with your DH. Maybe that’s what they are used to…

But I started teaching at 22 and I felt SO much older than my 18yo sixth former students. I know this is different because it’s a professional relationship but I also felt much older than my 19 yo cousin. 4 years is a big difference at that age, especially if they feel all worldly after going to university or working for a few years. Maybe they could have done an activity with her - but I don’t blame them for not taking her under their wing.

If you wanted a family holiday you should of gone somewhere random taking them back to their childhood home obviously they want to catch up with old friends.

I mean it would be nice if they took her out once seeing as you and your husband have paid for everything.

The OP and her DH paid for her two adult children to go on the holiday as well, but they aren’t expected to have huge impositions put upon them.

Yes they want to hang around with friends and family. But you say your daughter would like to do a couple of touristy things away from the adults it hardly seems like a big ask of your step children.

So just because one person would like something, other adults are obliged to facilitate it, even if it means sacrificing days of their own holiday and time with friends and family that they rarely see? There’s nothing stopping the OPs dd doing a bit of exploring on her own if she wants some time away from her mum and step dad. The people involved here obviously do think that babysitting an 18year old that doesn’t speak the language they’ll be using is a big ask, and that is entirely up to them.

They aren’t doing anything wrong. The only benefit to them doing what you want would be felt by you and your dd, not them.

I clicked onto this thread expecting it to be about actual children being rude yet here we are and it’s two adults that are enjoying a holiday being asked to babysit essentially another adult.

We have tried this before, we went to Martinique with all the kids last April and while they did spend more time with us over all, they went off to play tennis, drink etc. a lot at the resort. Last summer we stayed in Bordeaux and after 3 days they left and went down to Biarritz to go surfing instead. I had hope this year more than in the past they would take DD as she is now an adult and able to drink with them etc. which seemed to be what put them off in Martinique.

I think they just don’t see your daughter as a sibling or a friend. Rather than any other excuses like not being old enough as you thought before.

She is simply dad’s wife’s daughter.

She asked if the daughter could go out with them a couple of times to get a break and some sights away from the parents. They said yes then no.

Where does the OP say that?

She said they seem disinterested, not that they agreed and then took it back.

The point about translating is very valid. It is draining to have to have to translate and think about someone else’s understanding the whole time you’re doing something. It would take a lot of the fun out of a new activity like the wakeboarding that OP suggested.

You really need to change your expectations! These are adults and you have only been married 2 years.

Your DH adult children are behaving perfectly fine. They are adults with their own friends and interests. They holiday likely as they have done for years with their dad and he seems happy with this.

You need to take a friend for your DD and not expect them to make friends or at all treat her like a sibling. She is not their family or friend. The fact there are language and cultural barriers means this is even harder for them and why should they spoil their holiday for your dd? They are polite to you all and that is really all you need here - you should be trying to just gently get to know them not thrust your dd on them to entertain.

If I was the step children I would think you rude and possibly even meddlesome for trying to force me to babysit your adult dd.