Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

Wow - that's not rude at all, I was expecting something totally different.

They're old enough not to have their dad and step mum pay for their travel any more though. That way you won't believe you've bought their time on holiday as a companions, guides, and translators for your daughter.

If your daughter is a neurotypical 18 year old she's old enough to do her own thing too - the lake Como area is completely touristy and she can very easily explore on her own despite not speaking Italian. My daughter and niece both travelled abroad alone at 18 (as did I in the distant past) so staying with her mum and venturing out alone with a base to return to isn't especially adventurous.

(Edited for clarification)

I agree with this.

”Am I unreasonable to bring my adult step children on holiday to what is essentially their home country, and expect them to babysit my adult dd for me”

YABU to expect that.

They aren’t related, the people they are meeting aren’t your DD’s friends, they’d have to spent all day translating.

Can you DH not spend some time at home with your DS whilst you and DD have some time together going out and about?

Your daughter is 18 and your asking on her behalf.
Can't she ask them herself?

You’re not a blended family, his DC were already young adults when you met and have their own lives. Your DD isn’t really anyone to them. They’re in their father’s home country visiting family and friends and doing their own thing.

Your DD isn’t their responsibility to entertain.

I don’t think they’re being rude in the slightest I think your expectations around the holiday don’t match theirs.

They were 18 when you and your husband started dating now assuming as most good parent do you didn’t introduce straight away these already adult children have no even step type of sibling relationship at all with your children.

They have seen this trip as going home with dad seeing old friends and family. Unless it was made abundantly clear they were expected to play baby sitter to another 18 year old. I don’t see why you expected them to take her places.

Yes there should be some family time but again have you ever been a family since they were already adults. So I’d expect a few meals together, a couple of activities with dad.

I think it's the fact that the holiday is to Italy that's the problem here. I can totally see that there is loads of stuff they'd like to do and they don't really want your DD tagging along.

Next time I would make it somewhere "neutral" rather than somewhere where they are so familiar with the language, culture etc.

They don’t have any obligation to bring your DD along with them but I do think it was unkind not to ask her whether she’d like to go wakeboarding with them, it wouldn’t gave cramped their style - but they’ve chosen not to be kind and there’s not much you can do about it.

I wouldn’t organize any more blended family holidays unless your DD can bring a friend with her perhaps.

As you say, DH’s children, are in fact grown adults, who are reconnecting with old friends and family. How is that rude? They probably see it as a free holiday, yes, but you can’t expect them to tag along with your DD who doesn’t speak the language and who is younger.

Your expectations of this holiday, have not been managed.

They are adults, they were adults when you met your husband. They won’t see you as a blended family and are just enjoying their annual leave in the country they grew up in. You are being really unreasonable expecting they to babysit your 18 year old

Looking at it from their perspective they haven't grown up with your DD and they probably don't get to spend much time with these people in Italy. It sucks for your DD but she isn't their priority. I think there has been some mismatched expectations for this holiday.

It's her son who's autistic according to her post - her autistic older son doesn't want to do touristy stuff with his 18 year old neurotypical sister.

Entertaining your daughter isn't their job. It's their holiday too and they clearly don't want to take her so stop asking.

Even if she was their own sister, I would possibly shout to go together ONCE maybe twice, but I wouldn't even expect them to take her along all the time. A 5 year gap is a big gap, it's their holiday too, they don't need to babysit her.

SunriseOver

ah sorry I’d written ds but it must have knocked out the s!

There's quite a big difference between an 18 year old and a 23 year old who haven't grown up together, even without a language barrier.

Their behaviour will be about their relationship with their father, how they feel about his relationship/break up with their mother and what type of father he has been to them. They may feel some resentment towards you and your children as well. Alternatively, they are just young and thoughtless and want to spend time with their friends.

ah! I thought d was daughter and you were rebelliously rejecting the MN DD convention 😆

No, it’s not their job to entertain your 18yo. You can’t force that relationship and in one sense it isn’t a ‘holiday’ for them. It’s a trip home and an opportunity to catch up with friends and relatives. That said, I wouldn’t be funding holidays for 23 year old adults. If you wanted a family type holiday it may have been better to go somewhere with no ties.

They have seen this trip as going home with dad seeing old friends and family. Unless it was made abundantly clear they were expected to play baby sitter to another 18 year old. I don’t see why you expected them to take her places.

That, I'm afraid. They have a limited amount of time to reconnect with friends and family, and they're adults. You're expecting too much.

Also - I don't know how good their english is, presumably they are fluent in French and Italian but less so in English - spending a day speaking in a language that isn't 'native' and doing so to a person you don't really know isn't the most relaxing.

23 and 18 are miles apart, lifewise. That's before you get to the fact they aren't from the same family and that they're semi-native to the country you're visiting.

Two weeks is a long time to spend with people who you don't know that well and who don't speak your native language. It sounds like they have lived with their mum in France growing up so I am guessing your Dh has had limited time with them growing up, and you and your kids have only been around for a few years when they were already adults. It's basically like spending two weeks with some distant cousins who don't speak your language for them. I can totally see why they need time away from everyone to do their own thing.

YABU. I acquired step-siblings as a young adult and, while we have always been polite to each other, we had absolutely nothing in common and didn’t become friends. I was very very close to my stepmother but she never expected me to form relationships with her children. You are asking too much.

• They don't have a sibling relationship - they are effectively strangers
• Your DH's children are back in one of their two home countries, it's perfectly natural that they want to reconnect with friends and their culture
• It's a total PITA constantly translating for someone who doesn't speak a word of the language, particularly if you barely know them
• You excuse your son from spending time with her sister on the basis of his ND but somehow your stepchildren have to pick up the slack
• There's no issue with wanting to do family things - but even you have said that your DD doesn't want to spend time with you because she's an adult - so you either all do stuff together, or people get to do what they want
• At 18 you are adult and can go off and do stuff by yourself - she doesn't have to wait for invitations from people she doesn't even know

Ultimately they have not been extremely rude - from your thread title I thought it was going to be a recounting of obnoxious teenage misbehaviour, not 23 year olds acting perfectly normally. Your expectations are way off base and unfair. If you want to encourage your family to spend time together then book a couple of evening meals for everyone when people can talk in a more relaxed setting and get to know one another better. Not through enforced excursions. YABVVU.

Exactly this!