Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

Okay, everyone comes at blended families through different lenses of what they have seen around them, experienced themselves, or think should happen.
The truth is different for everyone, and thats okay!
So here is my perspective, from my own experience:
My parent found a new partner when I was 14 and the partners children were 19 and lived with their other parent. I dont consider the partner, or their kids, family at all. Its nothing against them. Its not complicated. I just dont feel like they are family to me. I think all of us would feel a bit strange to be described this way, and confused if other people expected us to behave a certain way just because our parents decided to be in a relationship. In fact, I'd personally be a bit annoyed... it's got nothing to do with anyone else, even our parents!
I understand your disappointment if you had a certain expectation from them (and possibly passed this to your daughter) but they haven't done anything wrong here, you just have different perspectives.

It’s up to your DH to call the shots about what’s acceptable with his 23 year old adult DCs, unless there is some drip feed that you paid for all of the holiday. If you have equally split finances then that works out that he has paid for himself and his two dependents and you for yours, therefore his DCs don’t owe you anything either financially or indeed socially.

I would have expected a few family meals out with everyone in attendance, but if their DF doesn’t want to push it, then fair enough.

Thank you everyone, I guess I had unrealistic expectations. Both of DHs children are fluent in English, his DD did a year abroad in London but they would say French first language, Italian second and English third.

We tell them what we are doing for dinner every evening but they are rarely back in time to join us and even when they have been they’ve gone off and done their own thing.

Today’s reason for not taking DD was she doesn’t have a driving license and they were renting Vespas, so I do get that it could be boring to “babysit” her but I’m not so sure why on both wakeboarding days they couldn’t take her.

Thank you everyone, I guess I had unrealistic expectations. Both of DHs children are fluent in English, his DD did a year abroad in London but they would say French first language, Italian second and English third.

We tell them what we are doing for dinner every evening but they are rarely back in time to join us and even when they have been they’ve gone off and done their own thing.

Today’s reason for not taking DD was she doesn’t have a driving license and they were renting Vespas, so I do get that it could be boring to “babysit” her but I’m not so sure why on both wakeboarding days they couldn’t take her.

I don't think they're being rude either. They were already adults when you met, have no real relationship with daughter, you can't expect them to "babysit". Yes it would have been nice of them, but I can understand why they wouldn't.

Going to Italy was a bad idea if you all wanted to spend time together IMO, it's quite natural they would drift off seeing their friends and family. Pick a neutral place next time.

Would you want to go wake boarding with a virtual stranger who doesn't speak the local language?

DHs DD has now also said she really doesn’t enjoy translating English to Italian or vice versa as in her mind it goes English - French which she then has to translate to Italian all while maintaining the flow and she finds it quite tiring. I guess I should just be more understanding.

Lower your expectations.

They obviously didn’t want to take her wakeboarding. You and your daughter may find that unfair and upsetting but that’s life.

I think you had extremely different expectations of the holiday.

They aren’t being rude I don’t think. maybe they should prioritise family time a little more but then again they’re 23.

And I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your adult step children to all magically get on well just because it suits you.

At 23 would you really of wanted to play baby sitter to a 18 your old you didn’t really know.

And also bilingual she sees English as the last language to be constantly trying to translate is going to be tiring. Also in the ocean where the waves are loud and having to shout across.

I can understand your disappointment that your dh's dc do not treat you as family or friends.

But you have brought your dc on a family-and-friends holiday in which you 3 are on your own as a a family unit and you have no friends there.

Much better to book activities with dd (and ds as willing) that you can enjoy together. Boat trips, water parks, sightseeing, hiking... you are on holiday together so of course you will do activities together.

Rude to accept a funded family holiday and ignore your father and step mother.

I wouldn't bother to repeat the experience unless you were going somewhere entirely unrelated to where anyone grew up.

In practice I'd expect a "blended family" with the kids being these sort of ages to feel less like a family unit and more like a parents family friend and their kids. It's possible that they might grow closer in time but I think from their POVs it's more like a family friend of parents situation.

That is a good point. I speak 4 languages and if I had to translate from my 3rd to my 2nd I would also inadvertadly first translate it into my first language. It is exhausting and it means you can't have fun and spontanious conversations.

Because they’re out with their friends and don’t want to. And they’re adults. You can take your teenaged daughter out for activities.

I think at absolute worst they haven't been very generous and it's okay to be disappointed in that, but you can't make it happen or even expect it. They have to all build their own relationships, find common ground and shared interests. And maybe they just won't.

I also think the main issue is going to Italy - this is their homeland in part and they are at an advantage for feeling comfortable and familiar, renewing connections and speaking the language. If you had wanted to see more of them, perhaps a trip somewhere more neutral would have been a better idea - somewhere none of you had been to previously, to maybe discover together?

TBH although I feel your frustration OP, I actually agree with this.
Coming from a family where I have "step brothers and sisters" although I never classed them as that because our parents got together when we were all adults, I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with them and would feel it very unreasonable if I were expected to take any of them under my wing.

I would feel grateful they're going out and enjoying themselves rather than moping around looking at their phones all the time.

A lot of disappointment comes when we have have unrealistic and/or uncommunicated expectations

It's quite selfish really. As much as they shouldn't be a child minder to your DD they could be more considerate at least once.

Did you know what they were like beforehand because if you did that should have been fair warning.

I would try not to be upset. I think you just had different expectations of the trip. I think it's mean not to take your DD wakeboarding but I can understand why they don't want to take her to Milan when they are meeting their friends. She'd be a bit of a spare part even if she spoke the language but given she doesn't, it would be pretty painful.

YABU. It's not up to your step kids to babysit your DD. They're on home turf and your DD doesn't speak the language. Why can't your DS and DD hang out?
I don't think your step kids are rude at all

Yes I suppose I hadn’t considered that it might be quite tiring to translate between two secondary languages. Especially if drinking and with friends where conversations might be fast paced and layered with slang and cultural nuances.

They are young adults in a completely different phase of life and with a chance to reconnect with old friends, etc. Your daughter is not their sister, they didn't grow up with her, and it isn't fair to think that they should be taking her under their wing. In some idyllic world sure, but that's not happening here. I get the feeling from all of this that they are not looking to form much of a relationship with your children and I think you need to accept that is how it will be for your sake and the sake of your kids, so there are no expectations. If you think that there should be more family time, then your DH needs to schedule some dinners for everyone to be present. But don't stick your teen on them.

I know many people whose parents remarried when they, the kids, were adults or late teens in college. None of them have any relationship or desire for a relationship with their stepparent's children. It's different if it was a blended family all under the same roof.

Nothing about their behavior is "rude."

It is both tedious and exhausting, especially if you’re trying to actually be part of the conversation yourself. If you’re trying to catch up with old friends you haven’t seen for a long time and/or just trying to hang out in a home country speaking one of your native languages, it’s not a role you want to assume.

They’re adults with little in common, connected only because their parents are married. They may be ‘stepsiblings’ in name, but the dynamic seems more akin to that of acquaintances. They’re not responsible for daughter, and they’re not obliged to include her if they don’t want to.

also they would be translating a conversation your daughter likely wouldn’t even be part of since these are long standing friends or family.

Wanting them to take your daughter with them is when you’re 13 and your mum makes you take your 6 year little sister/cousin or else you can’t go. No fun for either and resented by the older. Then add a language barrier.