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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

231 replies

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 14:50

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

OP posts:
BettysRoasties · 12/09/2025 17:53

So despite knowing how much they really don’t want to take her you’re still going to get your husband to push it.

They have been giving kind excuses. You might just get a not so kind one eventually.

Hell even his trying to give excuses for them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/09/2025 17:54

MaxiesHome · 12/09/2025 17:47

She’s only just turned 18 and is generally pretty shy and quiet. She likes DHs DS a lot but has said he finds his DD quite intimidating, she admitted it’s probably just as she has quite a chic, worldly, cultured life and doesn’t feel like she is only a few years older. DD has said she’d like to go out with them though as they are both fun to be around, really funny etc.

Show quote history

They clearly don't want to take her and I think you and DD need to accept that.

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 17:54

Spoke to DH some more about it and he has said he will talk to them about even just taking her wakeboarding once as they are booked to go twice more before the trip ends.

Why would you still be pressuring your DH and them to do this? Have you not taken their hint, or read your thread?

Arlanymor · 12/09/2025 17:54

Why are you still pushing this after the advice you have had on here? I was nearly one of five as my dad was briefly engaged to a woman with three children, and it was me and my sister. I would have been so embarrassed if my dad asked their mum to take me places while on holiday, I really would have.

You're riding roughshod over their opinions and it feels manipulative to ask their dad to put extra pressure on them. You run the risk of spoiling the holiday let alone any future relationship with them.

PeloMom · 12/09/2025 17:55

Also if she wants to go wakeboarding, she can go with an instructor - this is way safer and she’ll probably have more fun as they can match her skill level and interest.
don’t make your SC to take that responsibility on.

outerspacepotato · 12/09/2025 17:57

Your husband is taking his kids, you are taking your kids on a joint holiday.

His kids aren't your step kids, you had no part in raising them. They were 21 when you got married. I would bet they see you as their dad's wife and your children as your kids, not step siblings. There's no relationship. There's cultural and language differences that make even more of a gulf.

Frankly, even if they took your daughter along, she would feel like an outsider. They are seeing long time friends. There's an age gap and language barrier. There's the big mental load of translating.

Lake Como is very touristy, why isn't your daughter getting out and doing things if she wants to? Why is it up to his adult kids to entertain your daughter?

viques · 12/09/2025 17:59

So the 23 year olds were already technically adults when you and DP got together, while your two were still very early teens, so still children. I can’t imagine that they have spent much time together since, or that they have many interests in common, so I don’t see why the adult SC should feel obliged to baby sit for their step sib, especially since they are focussed on meeting up with friends and doing the things that 23 year olds do, the language is also another barrier. I don’t think they are being rude, I think they are enjoying their holiday I think it is your responsibility to entertain and amuse your younger children.

if you turned the clock back and had 12 year old twins and younger children who were 5 and 7 you would not expect them to be interested in doing the same things, (and would certainly not expect the older children to take charge of entertaining one of the younger ones!)

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 12/09/2025 18:00

Next time bring a friend for DD.

TwistedWonder · 12/09/2025 18:01

Arlanymor · 12/09/2025 17:54

Why are you still pushing this after the advice you have had on here? I was nearly one of five as my dad was briefly engaged to a woman with three children, and it was me and my sister. I would have been so embarrassed if my dad asked their mum to take me places while on holiday, I really would have.

You're riding roughshod over their opinions and it feels manipulative to ask their dad to put extra pressure on them. You run the risk of spoiling the holiday let alone any future relationship with them.

Edited

Totally agree. Stop trying to manipulate the situation and let young adults do-their own thing.

Theyre not step siblings, they’re not your step children, they’re adults whose parents got together

Stip trying to force them to be the Brady Bunch

MyLittleNest · 12/09/2025 18:04

You say that you don't understand why they didn't invite her wakeboarding--because they want to go without her. So why push it?

These stepchildren are not going to have the relationship you want them to and by forcing it you are just going to cause resentment and more problems.

Take her wakeboarding yourself if she wants to go.

BettysRoasties · 12/09/2025 18:11

Someone else said it and it’s a fair point.

These are not your step children. They were full blown adults before you even met. There is no way you’d actually have a step mother step child relationship. So they certainly wouldn’t see them as step siblings.

You see everyone as one big family. They don’t.

BustyLaRoux · 12/09/2025 18:13

I can’t believe you’re expecting them to babysit your DD. The step DC are adults who want to do their own thing. They’re outgoing, they have friends they want to meet up with, English isn’t their first language. And you’re trying foist your DD on them. Not for the first time it sounds like. Your DD may think they’re great and chic and interesting etc (who wouldn’t? They sound awesome!) but they probably don’t want to babysit a shy, just turned 18 year old who they’ll have to translate everything for. It would be an absolute pain for them and spoil their fun. I would have hated that when I was 23! There’s me, wanting to party with my friends and let loose, but I’ve been forced to drag along this shy family member, 5 years younger than me, who I don’t really know that well, and translate everything for them! It’s a huge ask! You seem to think they should be grateful for the holiday and therefore accept their babysitting duties. (Are they actually on holiday? Or do you think of them as Nannies employed to entertain your DD?)

I do think they ought to join you for a meal each day, as presumably your DH has brought them on holiday to spend some time with them. But as for the paid help…….sorry no, it sounds as if you’ve maybe got your hands full with your autistic DS and every holiday thus far you’ve tried to palm your DD off on them. Now that’s she finally turned 18, you thought your luck was in! But they’re still having none of it. I don’t blame them at all. This is also awkward for your poor DD. She must be mortified!

Moonlightfrog · 12/09/2025 18:16

Your dd isn’t their responsibility, they are 23. I was a parent at 23 and married, no way would I have wanted to take a 18 year old under my wing on holiday. They are adults and want to do their own thing. Sounds like they are having a great time and getting more out of the holiday than you are? Can you arrange for dd to do some activities? Wakeboarding lessons? She can go exploring on her own.

outerspacepotato · 12/09/2025 18:18

Why didn't they invite her wakeboarding?

They're likely speaking their first language together. Translating can be hard enough, doing a sport and translating, really hard. It makes it very hard to concentrate on what you need to be doing physically.

Have her take a lesson or two with an English speaking instructor or go with an English speaking group or German (but not Swiss German) if she's fluent in German.

IAmQuiteNiceActually · 12/09/2025 18:25

I wouldn't fancy letting my 18 year old go off with two 23 year olds who sound a bit 'much'. I had to look up wakeboarding ...it's a dangerous extreme sport. Why on Earth would you want your DD to be doing that?

Bellyblueboy · 12/09/2025 18:25

I think your expirations are high, and a bit selfish.

The twins were adults when you married their dad and you haven’t been around for that long. Lots of parents still pay for holidays at this age. You both have two children yet you flagged this as a factor in being able to control how they spend their time. Did you pay for more than 50% of the holiday? Of so did you explain to the twins what you expected in return - that this wasn’t a gift but more a working holiday?

if you didn’t pay at least 50% of the holiday and the twins know that then don’t come in putting conditions on their family holiday.

I would also say if you are in this for the long haul and hope a relationship will build between your daughter and the twins don’t force it like this. They will resent her and you. And blame their dad for taking your side over theirs.

lunar1 · 12/09/2025 18:26

This is probably going to put an end to your husbands holidays with his children.

OnTheRoof · 12/09/2025 18:26

DH asking them to come to a family meal would be a better idea than a babysitting request for DD. Get him to do that instead.

Diarygirlqueen · 12/09/2025 18:33

Reading over your comments re the step kids, you are quite subtly passive aggressive about them ie smoking weed, going on two dates etc and now you are forcing your child's company on them.
Be very careful OP, they are your husbands kids, I would not call them your stepkids.
You are being extremely unreasonable and very manipulative, these two adults seem smart, I would thread carefully.

Epidote · 12/09/2025 18:48

You can be as angry as you want but they are 23, they are with their family and their old friends in the country they been living as kids. I suspect that the last thing they want is being interpretes , cicerones or host of either of the people that is not in use with the local stuff.
I am team husband here. It is not about you or your DD let them have a nice time.

BustyLaRoux · 12/09/2025 18:52

Diarygirlqueen · 12/09/2025 18:33

Reading over your comments re the step kids, you are quite subtly passive aggressive about them ie smoking weed, going on two dates etc and now you are forcing your child's company on them.
Be very careful OP, they are your husbands kids, I would not call them your stepkids.
You are being extremely unreasonable and very manipulative, these two adults seem smart, I would thread carefully.

“With two different men” no less…..

You sound disapproving and judgemental. She can date the same man or different men. It’s not really relevant. Unless you’re subtly trying to have a poke at her. Like @dairy says, I’d be very careful if I were you. I’m surprised you want your DD hanging around with her. You clearly don’t actually like her that much. I hope your DH hasn’t picked up on that.

PorridgeEater · 12/09/2025 18:56

Your title is wrong as the stepchildren are not being incredibly rude, they're just not very keen to spend their holiday looking after your daughter - and they shouldn't be obliged to (however much you might wish it). Sorry but your husband is right that it would be hard work for them to translate etc, and would get in the way of them enjoying their time with friends. It seems you realise now that you had unrealistic expectations - there's no point in being angry with them.
It's understandable that it's hard on you, and hard on your daughter too. Maybe she'll be happier when she gets back home and can be with her own friends.

Holdonforsummer · 12/09/2025 19:03

As someone whose parents separated as a young adult and met new partners, I never thought of the other children as part of my new family - ever. And I still don’t. The need to be part of a family stops when you leave home, normally around 18z. After that, the other people are just your parent’s partner’s children. Please do not expect anything of them - it is deluded to think they will be treated as - or become - family just because you are your partner got together.

TottyMaude · 12/09/2025 19:05

Not sure if this is unreasonable or not. You're expecting qualities from the two 23 year olds that they clearly don't have. You can't help them be kind or considerate by that age if they aren't already. The fact they're happy to freeload as adults says it all.
Write them off as occasional distant family and let your H entertain them alone. You can't make them be different and I wouldn't bother trying. If they have to come to your house let H do the catering and washing up.

Greggsit · 12/09/2025 19:06

You're trying to force two adults who you don't appear to actually like, to have a relationship with your daughter. You need to accept that it's not going to happen, and there's no reason why it has to. You and your husband's choices have nothing to do with them. They did not decide on or agree to any sort of blended family. Of course it would be nice if everyone got on, but you can't expect them to change their lives because you and your husband made your choices.