Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

How many languages do you speak and how often do you switch between them to accommodate others?

Given you seem to have made all your Italian colleagues converse with you in your language rather than learning theirs, I’m going to say that you’re actually not the arbiter on what is polite and what isn’t when it comes to accommodating foreign speakers, as you assume everyone will just pander to you with no effort on your part. That’s not polite.

@bellyblueboy uh oh, I hurt someone's feelings.

2 cultures not 3. They were grown adults when their father got married to someone else.

I don't belive I'm an expert on "culture" because I'm sharing my experience on translating. I's not difficult translating if you know the language. It's just not. You have no idea if I'm capable of speaking any other languages to know that. I just stated I can't speak Italian. I doubt she even expects to be talked to the whole time rather than just being showed around one time.

Don't get me wrong, I think the daughter needs to branch out on her own and find things to do because it's very possible.

And yes, I was on my Italy trips for business purposes but I've been all over, many times (solo traveler with no help or translators). I only worked 9 hours a day, so the remainder of my time I spent alone everywhere I went. Of course some people couldn't understand me but it was very rare someone couldn't speak to me. Give these people a little more credit for what they are capable of.

I think you got lost in the fact that you don't agree with my opinion and that's okay but you missed what I said. I didn't say it was necessary to haul the other daughter around the whole time visiting family or friends or just doing whatever they feel like doing. If you see my post I said 1 or maybe 2 outings. At MOST. That could be an hour, whatever.

I just enjoy saying wild sh*t and watching people's reactions as they take everything way too seriously. I hope you have a great one.
🩷

😂 I was reacting to your bonkers I’ve been to Europe a few times and have worked with a few Italians so I understand claim!

this is a Europe based forum - most people here have traveled to other European countries dozens of times, most work with fellow Europeans and don’t need language explained. In fact I hop on a train to another European country about once a month. It was just a very odd interjection.

Didn’t realise this was still going!

We had a big family dinner last night and chatted some things out.
Since the translation thing has come up again my DHs DD and DS have both said they really don’t enjoy translating Italian to English or vice weeds, neither are their first languages, one they learnt in childhood so lack any real academic backing for and the other they learnt purely academically so don’t always have the right social words to translate, and more so it’s just annoying, drags the conversation etc. they explained they are happy translating when it’s genuinely needed or to help someone or give them advice but they don’t want to translate conversations with childhood friends.

Everything seems okay now, DD has decided she doesn’t want to try wakeboarding anyway and has been making herself busy with other things herself.

Seems reasonable. They don’t sound like incredibly rude people. And they did join you for dinner - so not ignoring you all.

That all sounds positive OP. Hopefully everyone enjoys the rest of the trip, and going forward you can bear all this in mind when making plans. It's good that DD is occupying herself, I'm sure there's a lot to enjoy for her around Lake Garda.

Glad you have some resolution OP

Your daughter seems to be taking a very mature view of their behaviour. If she's not terribly upset, then don't make an issue if it. Just arranged a day/ outing you can all do something together. You should be proud of your daughter's insight.

“His dd has been on two dates with two men”
and what?
they’re adults.

Totally agree. Grown up kids from seperate families have their own lives, their own friends etc.

I have experienced this 1st hand, my mum and dad divorced when I was 16, my mum left dad, but he met someone within 3 months of the separation and she had 3 children who ar the time 11, 13 and 14. He tried to force me and older sister who was 18 at the time to be happy families with the 3 children we hardly knew, he then re-married when I was 17.

Suffice to say I did my own thing with my mates and was not interested in being a new family.

Lol, there’s a huge difference between helping out a random tourist, and having to act as translator for an acquaintance that’s been dumped on you for a day, WHILST also trying to catch up with friends and family. A ‘minor inconvenience’ it is not.

What happened to biting your tongue and doing one single thing for someone else? What happened to taking ‘no’ for an answer? They’ve made it very apparent that they’re not going to do this particular one single thing, and OP continuing to push it isn’t going to do anything but make then even more resistant to spending time with her daughter. Their father getting involved won’t help matters either, given that they’re way beyond the age of him being able to tell them what to do.

Bluntly, OP’s daughter’s feelings about being excluded are not their problem.

I wouldn’t call this incredibly rude
I would say you’re incredibly disappointed
but they are probably behaving in the way they always have done in Italy when visiting with heir father in the past
dates with two diffenrt Italian men made me laugh.

Don't quite get why you say 2 cultures and not 3?

The adult twins grew up in Italy and France and are fluent in Italian/French but OP's daughter is an English speaker - their 3rd language that they learned in high school and don't speak daily.

How happy would you be on a night out in a busy, crowded restaurant being responsible for translating the conversation (and jokes) for a colleague who only speaks whatever language you learned in high school?

People who speak only one language really underestimate how tiring it can be to think and translate into a second or third language. My own DH comes from a Scandi country and speaks excellent English (among his 4½ languages), but found it exhausting when we first met to follow a lively dinner table/restaurant when many people are talking and there are jokes, cultural references etc that don't translate.

Honestly I think it's a bit mean of them not to take her along once or twice. I'd be asking their Dad to have a word and I wouldn't be taking them along next time. They're old enough to know better IMHO.

Translating is really hard - people often don't get this.

It's hard in a formal or business environment where you have time to think but really hard in a lively social setting with lots of people talking, using colloquialisms, making jokes and cultural references.

Glad you have managed to find a way through this

They’re old enough to decide who they want to spend time with. OP can’t stop her husband from inviting them, and trying to would only serve to escalate this into an actual drama.

But this poster has VISITED ITALY and HAS WORKED WITH ITALIAN PEOPLE😂😂. So she knows what it’s like for these specific two French people to translate Italian conversations into English

😂

😂😂😂

Not just any Italians. Full Blown ones!

Glad to know the misunderstanding is now resolved. Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

You can’t force it. One of my dh’s adult children has never shown any interest in being part of our blended family. My ds would have loved a step brother and has always tried so hard to no avail.

Sounds like your dh’s kids won’t change any time soon so perhaps from now on go away just the two of you?

It’s incredibly hard translating mentally before speaking in another language, and it’s not just the actual words that need translating, but the nuance, which often doesn’t. I spend most of the summer in Italy, and I’m not me during that time. My DH family don’t get my SOH …. the ironic, sarcastic, deprecating type. It goes down like a lead balloon. So now I’m just silent, and only relax with my friends who know me.

They are 23 yes old. They have gone back to Italy ,their home country. They are meeting cousins and friends. Your daughter I much younger and doesn't speak the language. She would be left out if she went with them and why should they babysit her?And why shouldn't your DH daughter go out with 2 different men?Her life .

And you know @MaxiesHome it's interesting that you don't consider your DC "rude" because they've not learnt to speak Italian or French. YABU.