Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

If he is constantly sniffing only on these nights it highly likely he’s doing coke. also if the sex is changing on these nights is he being more braver than he usually would be? I wouldn’t make him do a drug test but keep an eye on him don’t have the sex if you don’t want to or at least tell him when he’s sober that he acts differently in bed and your not sure you like it. Moodiness could be he’s tired but also coming down off his coke. The other worry is if he gets addicted to this life he might leave to be free of you and responsibility of father hood. The other problem is he could have a heart attack from the coke. Talk to him see how he responds to you. You could also say I hope the guys you drink with don’t have a heart attack as I have seen coke can cause one.

This.

If you want to know if he's been doing coke, report him for drug driving to the police, they'll have to do a drugs wipe on him, if it comes up positive, there's your answer.

It stays in the system, and is detectable on a spit test for days afterwards, and if he is driving on the weekend, he is breaking the law by driving under the influence.

If he gets moody after a night out I would be concerned he is taking coke. I had a bf once who wasn’t doing drugs when we first dated but somewhere along the way he became quite the party animal and started taking coke. He went from an ‘affable, happy go lucky’ type of guy to a really moody one, culminating in him throwing a full dinner plate against the wall because I had complained about his party ways. We did not, of course, stay together (no kids, early 30s).

I dont think irs unreasonable with a small baby to ask him to come home when pub closes.

If he protests your accusations a bit too much and a bit too aggressively then he is more than likely lying. If he isn’t ‘misbehaving’ then he should be more than happy to reassure you, his wife and the mother of his children.

Do you not go out with friends? DH and I both kept up with our social lives, obviously much more diluted. Sometimes I would out later, other times he would. Now we're a bit older it's much less but we still see our friends.

I agree, it's important to go out and have fun. Being a parent shouldn't restrict this, doesn't have to be every weekend but defo get together with friends.

I feel something is making you uneasy about this.

It's like you're magic or something!

yeah sure he just stands there while they all do coke and says not for me thanks

I dont think its unreasonable to feel this way, i’m all for having separate hobbies, not living in each others pockets until you have children together then you become a team.
If you have enough money to share nights out, either together or apart, making sure you are both getting a fair share of them.
If money is tight then its totally unfair and resentment builds.
I am happy spending money on family times, holidays, if my children are ok then i’m ok but i know my DH feels differently, he still wants his hobbies / holidays with friends and i must say i feel i love him less for this, is it a common “male” trait? Who knows ? but I know I am close but not “enmeshed” in my childrens lives, not sure they feel the same for him?
When we are older will this feelings be resolved? I don't regret spending most of my time with my children, they are growing, one has left the nest, I know I’ve done a great job.

I chose to ignore this poster as they are either projecting massively or just enjoy being judgemental to strangers on the internet.
Either way, not worth my time.

You have said he is a model father so him having a game of darts and a few drinks is harmless if it was constant and he wasn't pulling his weight at home then you would have to tell him it can't go on.
Once the baby is more independent in feeding.
Hubby can look after the kids and you pick up your hobbies again or nights out with the girls.
You both still entitled to down time .

Sounds like you need to get a hobby

This is excellent advice. It’s not making an accusation which is hard to prove and could turn into a huge row, it’s just being very honest about how his new lifestyle is making you feel.

I agree with others that people in their 40s don’t carry on at someone’s house after the pub closes unless there are drugs involved. If he’s a good dad he should be knackered by midnight and ready to go home.

We all know those men who have to "ask the wife" and later say, "My wife says I can't." It's pathetic, honestly.

So I wouldn't set limits. That being said, I'd let him know it bothers you.

From where I sit, it sounds like he is trying to skirt the responsibility of two kids or have reasons to get out rather than be home. I doubt it's an affair, but more like reliving his younger days rather than accepting this new phase of life and added work that comes with a second baby and two under two.

I'd be annoyed as hell, OP.

I dont think you're wrong about darts and lads culture but I think cousins mile stone birthday is the night to make your hill to die on

I get it OP - you wish he didn’t want to do that! It can be hard being the default parent when BF.

Me and DP only have one child and there’s no way he’d go out til the early hours once a week. He’d consider it a waste of time and family funds.

Like others say though, if he wants to and you have the money and he’s still pulling his weight otherwise, you can’t stop him.

You should explain that you’ll be taking equal personal time when the baby is older though, and he can babysit!

IME - men on coke are very horny but often can’t climax or lose their erection. Does that happen OP?

I also don’t find that people on coke sniff all the time that’s a bit of an urban myth.

However I can’t think of anyone who sits up til 3am with other people taking coke and not do it themselves. It would be so boring.

I think you can get wipes that show up coke. Run them over the edges of his bank cards / keys and see if they come up?

https://www.ukdrugtesting.co.uk/products/cocaine-powder-surface-wipes-test

To me he sounds like he needs to grow up to be honest ,you didn't sign up for this

I think he sounds lovely. Let him have his special night.

I'd be muttering about being out so late with darts as that's a regular thing but I would say have a great time for this one-off night out.

You are entitled to discuss your fears and feelings with him, he is your husband after all. You should tell him calmly what you've told us here - that his behaviour is out of character and suggests coke use, and that he's a nightmare the next day and you're not a complete fool. You could also tell him that you don't want sex with him when he's in that state. And you could also ask him why he wants to hang around with people like that. And if he gets angry, abusive, defensive then you will know that he has something to hide, because if he didn't he would want to reassure you. It is hard enough dealing with two small children without this sort of behaviour.

the problem is he might want more and more nights out. My ex was like that.

I’m quite shocked by some of these comments. He’s come in late, in the early hours, drunk. Big no for me with little kids around. Once a week playing darts, fine. Do that, come back after. Be sensible, you have a young family at home. You’re in the trenches. You’re feeding round the clock and he gets to blow off steam every week rolling in at the early hours. No. Not acceptable. Disrespectful. And why is it happening now, when you now have kids? Grow TF up.

As for his cousins / brother thing. I suspect this is what broke the camels back rather than it’s a flat out no.

I find it really interesting that you say ‘I don’t have childcare.’ That tells me a lot about the power dynamic in your relationship.

This will eat at you and lead to resentment. I’d talk to him, calmly about it. Don’t worry about coming across as controlling. Y these early years with kids are hard. I had a similar conversation with my husband after a few too many early hour wake ups, then looking after him and the young kids while he recovered. While I had to figure out whether I had time to shower that week. Speak to him. Good luck x