Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

Its the coming home absolutely shitfaced on what sounds like a mix of booze and cocaine, initiating rough sex, and then being a useless moody arse on a downer all the following day, ruining half her weekend as well as friday night.

This ^^ is not just indicative of an innocent game of darts.

@valentinka31 @HuckleberryBlackcurrant @GiveDogBone @Minnie798 @Mandemikc @Chinsupmeloves

I don't think you're been unreasonable dear OP. 2 under 2 is no joke, it's a lot of work, and you also mentioned that there is a family party the same time he will be going to his cousins birthday. That leaves only you to deal with 2 under 2 all by yourself.

And it is very normal to feel the way you're feeling, you're NOT controlling. You're probably with the kids most of the time and your husband gets the time to go and "unwind" all by himself, while you don't have the chance to do so. So please, your feelings are very valid, YOU'RE NOT CONTROLLING, NEITHER ARE YOU MAD.

However, I do think, you need to address it with wisdom, since you guys are good overall, no need to alert him ahead about "we need to talk"

Just chip in your feelings when you both are together and relaxed. Just bring it up, compromise is needed between you two though, perhaps he will reduce his outings to every fortnight or month, or you get a night out by yourself every week too. Or you will employ someone or a family member to watch the kids while you both go out for few hours once a week. I do believe there is a middle ground.

Till 3am?

Every week?

@tenderbee

The family party is the cousin's birthday. They're going Out out after the family get-together.

When my H and I were getting married I said 'I'll do what you do'. If you sleep around, so will I. If you never clean the bathroom, neither will I. If you go out all the time and come home late, then so will I...ad infinitum. And he believed me. And we've been married 26 years.
Do what he does. Even if you have to pretend to be clubbing, just be out. You want a peaceful family life, and he does not. Play him at his own game.

Or that you haven't read all her posts?

I wish posters would stop over using the word "controlling".

The OP is not being controlling.

Exactly. She is living the life of a parent with 2 under 2. It’s not at all unreasonable to expect both parents to do so ffs.

If you want to stay out “playing darts” weekly til 3am you might consider not having kids ….

We had a similar issue when the kids were small. I said I didn't mind him going out on a weekend, every weekend if he wanted to but what I couldn't have was him in bed until lunch time with a hangover. Weekends are family time, go out but then be ready to face the day and take over by 10am (baby usually up from 5/6am). Apparently this was too controlling and he preferred not to go out.

I sympathise with your changed life without consultation from your DH and can understand your worries and how it's making you feel.

Think back to when you had your first child - did he change then at all?

Was he 100% on board to have DC2?
When did the darts nights start - is every Friday night now the same?

As a mum you're putting all your efforts in the right place, caring for them and no doubt idolising them both - nothing wrong with that - you thought he would be the same, but he isn't.

As for the 3am arrivals home in whatever state & expecting rough sex - does he have any recollection the next day? I wouldn't be able to put up with that behaviour never mind turning up at 3am - I doubt he'd accept that from you if the tables were turned.

Sometimes men change for the worst when children arrive (mine did), they see you more as the children's mum rather than a wife so they think their job is done, they've given you what you wanted (children) and in their eyes you should be happy.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and ask him where your husband has gone x

You sound controlling our youngest 3 are under 3 and I would never stop hubby going out once a week, he works hard, helps more than enough with chores and kids, happy for me to go out with my friends when I wish to alone.

@Rayqueen you think it is okay for the husband to act like he does when he comes home in the early hours of the morning?

If I told my husband I 'expected him home at x o'clock' he would, quite rightly, laugh in my face!

Fact is, yes, he probably does miss his old life. As do lots of new parents. Because wanting a child and wanting to be a parent are two very different things.

I think going out for darts and staying out late once a week is fine, as long as it is just once a week and not multiple times. He’s having fun and it is his chance to blow off steam. In terms of the other event, it’s hard to comment and depends on the frequency of these additional events. Is this something that happens a few times a year, a few times a month or a few times a week? How often is he having ‘special’ extra outings. I think if it’s a few times a year, you need to suck it up if he’s a good father in other regards. If it’s at the point where his weekly outings are gradually increasing, that’s a different matter altogether.

The excessive drinking is more concerning. Again though, is he getting ratted once a week but otherwise sensible with alcohol consumption or is this more frequent? Is he drinking at home?

Have you read the parts about likely drug use and how he behaves when he rolls in at 3 am every week?

Do you ever smell cannabis on him? Years ago when my partner's mates sometimes used to give him cannabis to smoke it would always make him horny! Cocaine usually tends to sobre someone up. Cannabis also used to affect my partner's speech if mixed with booze.

Exactly. I wonder what their definition of controlling is and what their standards of marital commitments are.

She is not controlling, she is only expecting the basics of basics. They have kids now, younger ones at that, he's supposed to cut down on social life for now, it is one of the sacrifices of parenting.

So because he pulls his weight in other areas mean he can act like wishes in that area? If she as the wife is constantly acting like that, even with no kids in the picture, he won't tolerate it either.

I have 2 under 4 and I recently didn't consent to my husband traveling from Sunday to be back on Monday, I told him if he will be back the same day, it's okay, but overnight? NO!. WHY?

1. It's not an essential trip.
2. I refuse to start what I cannot finish, especially at this stage, I don't have the energy to start picking quarrel in the future over what is avoidable now.
3. I'm not the only parent, we are both parents, I refuse to do it alone, the children bear his name, so why should I be burnt out when he's alive, well and around?
4. It starts with just 1 night away, before you know it, other habits & voices are creeping in slowly and it becomes an insurmountable mountain.

I told him, if it is an essential trip, I'll manage. If you need a break or a space to breath away from me and the kids, I absolutely have no problem, but if you just want to go for the sake of going? Absolutely NO!

I guess many people here will call me SUPER CONTROLLING and I'll take that badge with honour. To each its own.

This. You say he spends all weekend with you, his family, he’s not shirking duties.

Id say darts is fine as everyone needs to keep some of their interests alive once becoming a parent but of course a sudden serge of clubbing/drinking every weekend is taking the piss (even if the masses say it's fine)
It's a slippery slope and may be his way of showing you that he finds parenting overwhelming (communication is really important now more than ever) even if he is great in the day time.
You are not raising babies and a wild teenager. I would spell it out now before it turns into resentment and starts to ruin what you have.

Oh FGS, no she doesn't!

What is controlling about not wanting your coked up husband turning up at 3am demanding rough sex after an "innocent" darts night?

Did you only read the first of the OP's posts?

Did you read the post where he rolls in at 3 am after these nights out, probably coked up, and demands rough sex?

Yikes I replied too soon reading your initial post and a few YABU replies as it's always the same on here. New mum drowning with overwhelming responsibility and a husband off in fairy land, rediscovering his youth and being a selfish prick and everyone telling you "you will cope" let him have that all inclusive with the lads, stay out every weekend spending all your money on beer. Absolutely flipping not. It's grotesque.

but of course a sudden serge of clubbing/drinking every weekend is taking the piss (even if the masses say it's fine)

Thank you for this. Even if the masses say it's fine, it's not fine, turning up in the early hours of the day wasted or not is not okay. What is he modelling to the children? Will he endure, makes excuses of "she's a great mom, works hard blah blah" if tables were turned? It started as darts nights, graduated to drinking and who knows maybe recreational drugs? To demanding rough sex from a burnt out woman, who knows where it's going to next? Stop coming home altogether only to show up in the evening after work, just to leave again? Domestic Violence If she refuses sex or tries to engage him verbally? And then blame it on alcohol. I wish people will understand that crazy situations do not jump out of nowhere, they build up slowly, gradually from those ideas, desires you didn't nip in the bud but encouraged, acted strong and cool with.
No need to get confrontational, a light conversation of "I do not appreciate this, I want this" will save many marriages in advance. But everyone wants to act tough, strong, woke and understanding.

The habits & ideas you're playing with are not playing with you, they don't intend to stop at "harmless", they start harmless but grow until they destroy everything beautiful in you and around you.

He needs to grow up. Also, if he's constantly out, or coming home and provoking a row, he might be having an affair (emotional more likely if he's actually coming home).

This.!

is he the only one working for the household right now?

You've mentioned you don’t want to go out anyway, let him go and have a night out with his family. I’d even go the next step and say don’t come home 😂 stay at your cousins.
I always stay at my family’s house if my husband goes out, nothing worse than a stinky beer breath!

The darts thing is a bit different I must admit so you need to differentiate that from weekends and like this a family party.

You need to discuss that with him.