Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

I think coke too.

I would set an ultimatum. I spent years being made to feel I was controlling and ex was under the thumb and lo and behold he secretly built up thousands in debt while I cosplayed as being completely cool with him going out to pubs and clubs.

It’s not worth it. If I could go back with all my knowledge now I would say “if you want that life fine but you do it on your own, and I’ll hold out for someone who doesn’t.”

Wow what a snide comment to make.

I guess when 2-3+ people try to tell OP that she's unreasonable when the father of her infant children is rolling in blind drunk every week from binge drinking then it makes you kind of snide, yeah.

If people want a nod of agreement for alcohol misuse in front of children, then they can look for it elsewhere.

Ok my thoughts are now binge drinking or more likely cocaine use....given the surrounding factors, which is quite crushing because of the lie from him about being the bigger person in the room and never doing it,

Final question what do people think about me requesting a drug test if he doesn't admit it? Perhaps saying if I'm wrong then I'll accept counselling for my post natal anxiety as clearly there's something going wrong with at least one of us?????

I mean he's entitled to take drugs but I don't want to be living in a family unit with him if so.

My fear is falsely accusing him because it's such an erosion of trust!

If he is taking coke you need to make sure he hasn’t got any on him personally because this can be fatal if it the baby or child ingest any!!

Op you don’t have to accuse him of taking drugs.

You can simply say
Dear husband when we had children I never signed up for this life. It’s making me sad, lonely and stressed that you roll in at 3am off your face and start trying to get me to have sex when you know I have just spent the day doing the grunt work of parenting our beautiful 2 children you wanted to have with me. If you had been like this when we met I would not have married you. Is this really the life you envisaged with me? Or can you compromise here please and come home at 12am after darts and not wake me and get up next morning so I can have lie in? And once a month could we please go out together? I love you but I can’t live like ships that pass in the night - especially when you roll in pissed, horny and totally off your face every Friday.

His response will speak volumes!

@Givemeguidance id order them first and have them in the house .
Next time he comes in say “I think you’re doing drugs” then. “ would you do a drugs test “?
He will likely say yes and not expect it to happen there and then .
So you say great here’s one now !

I wouldn’t just be blaming drugs on his attitude to you .
He is choosing to go out drinking a few times a week . Why isn’t he getting up through the night?
Also it’s effecting the mood in the house the next day.
Drugs aside, he is either commited to his family or not .
I will say op sadly if it is Coke I think you have lost the life you had , you will have to stand by and watch lies after lies and this behaviour.

You are going to have to set strong boundaries and stick to them . Even if it means your marriage is over .

No but you can ask a dad to co parent properly and not go out until the early morning multiple times a week, especially when both kids are still babies.

How can he be a model father if hes going out multiple times a week and shirking his parental duties?

Seriously I'd be walking out of the door. You cannot give an adult a curfew. Would you like him to do it to you, if the shoe was on the other foot?

YABU

Seriously I'd be walking out of the door. You cannot give an adult a curfew. Would you like him to do it to you, if the shoe was on the other foot?

YABU

You can’t ban him but keep an eye on how late beyond closing time he is getting back- I feel something is making you uneasy about this.

Sorry, read all the OP’s posts and thought it was the one night a week - a Friday night. Might be wrong there though! If it were many times a week he was rolling in drunk at 3am, I’d be fuming. Once a week isn’t so bad, but he sounds AWFUL when he does come in. Whether it’s drink or drugs, I’d be exiling him to the sofa downstairs and telling him that he’d better not come up and disturb us. Then hoovering the downstairs/putting on laundry/running the blender at 7am. With Radio One at full volume.

YABU. Why can’t he have one night out a week with his friends / family?

If you have anything to complain about, it would be if he is somehow stopping you from going out, but you’ve not said that.

The only possible conclusion is that you are controlling.

If you read all the OP's posts, its not the going out one night a week she objects to at all.

Its the coming home absolutely shitfaced on what sounds like a mix of booze and cocaine, initiating rough sex, and then being a useless moody arse on a downer all the following day, ruining half her weekend as well as friday night.

I don't think its remotely controlling to object to that.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable . Once a week is fine.
Id be quite angry if my dp ever tried to put a time limit on my nights out with friends.
Just because some of his friends are doing drugs, doesn't mean he is. I think the drugs test idea is a bad one, I'd be absolutely furious at the suggestion ( and no it's not because I use them, I don't).
I'd find too many aspects of what you are saying controlling tbh and I couldn't tolerate it off my dp.
I think it would be a better idea to also have one evening a week to yourself. To do what you want to do. You deserve it ( and sound like you need it ).

No one is mentioning you are providing childcare so he can do these things so it ought to be something agreed between you, otherwise I’d feel totally used

You sound nervous to confront him. As he is the father of 2 young children, I do not think he is "entitled to take drugs", nor to shirk his responsibilities by rolling in drunk. How can he be a "model father, otherwise"? I worry that you will begin to doubt your own sanity and sense of self if you do not challenge this. I have been through this, and, it seems to me that when they think you are you are stuck at home, looking after the children, this is when this behaviour begins. You should not be left "feeling rubbish"!

Sadly I have to agree with posters suggesting coke. Exactly what happened with my ex. I was putting it down to hobby and being taken by the drink as I never was around anyone who took coke before so didn't know the difference. It only came out when he left as he couldn't hide it any more when I started to notice things weren't adding up. Then the battle of trying to get him clean for 2 years. Unsuccessfully. Coke allows them to drink more, which also makes them more moody next day when coke effect worn off. Raging sex drive is very much coke symptom on top of sniffing. The more you accuse, the more he will hide. Check his wallet and pockets...

And theyd be right

Why don’t you go out one night a week ? I hate the can’t do, there is a life and abit of wind down time needed outside of parenting , doesn’t have to be all family and kids, it’s good to do other things with other people sometimes as well.

If he's doing his job as a husband and father then what more do you want?

Also, ,"...I have expressed how this can't happen again..." He isn't your employee or child. You don't tell him what will and won't happen again. And he shouldn't be doing that to you.

You have 2 under 2. I would assume they are both in bed by 7/8 normally. Have your evening and he can watch the children while you go and do you. If that's not your thing, he shouldn't be held to your likes and dislikes.

Let him go through his thing and he will come out of it soon enough. He wants to have some freedom to be him. By what you've said, he's a good husband. So doesn't he deserve this?

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander - there should be times when he stays home with the kids and you go out for a night on the town. Does that ever happen?

Going out one night a week to do sport or a hobby is fine, having a swift drink after is also fine, assuming of course that OP has the opportunity to do the same one night a week, but rolling home in the early hours drunk certainly isn't fine. I'd be very pissed off by that. And yes it is disrespectful.

No one is “entitled” to take ILLEGAL drugs/substances. And if it IS cocaíne that he’s using, it’s illegal. No one has a “right” to take illegal substances.

I’m a recovering cocaíne addict myself (I’ve been clean for 5 years, but once an addict, always an addict - one must be vigilant about one’s sobriety) I can assure you that cocaíne is EXPENSIVE. It’s not a cheap substance. If he’s using, he’s basically taking money away from providing for his children just so he can toot some Colombian marching powder.

The worst (and sadly hilarious) part is that cocaíne isn’t even a long-lasting substance in terms of how it makes you feel. Its effects may feel great, but they wear off in an hour or so. And then you have to snort more. And more. And more. And then you build up a tolerance (which happens FAST) and you have to use bigger and bigger doses as your addiction continues.

And yeah, from the “symptoms” and behaviors you’ve described… he’s almost certainly using cocaíne. I did many of the same things/acted the same way. And if his mates/pub buddies are using, your DO is using, guaranteed. That kind of “oh just TRY it, we all use it and we’re FINE” peer pressure is almost impossible to resist. He’ll have tried a bit once and felt great (because it DOES make you feel great.. at first.) But yeah, every single symptom and behavior you described, down to the later moodiness, is 100% cocaíne use. I would know, sadly.

And - he is not “entitled” to use recreational drugs. He has tiny humans who rely on him. He is responsible for their care and wellbeing. If he’s using, you need to either GTFO (as he won’t get clean unless he WANTS to) or tell him that he has to get clean, NOW, or you’ll report him and leave him and he absolutely will not get shared custody.

I got clean for my cat, because I’m responsible for her life, care, and wellbeing. If I can get clean for a cat’s sake, your DO can get clean for his children’s’ sake.

EDIT: (all of this is on the presumption that he is using/is an addict)

BTW I’m very honest and open about my struggles with addiction and my past drug use, so if you have any questions you want to ask, no matter how weird they may be, I’m willing to answer <3