Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

A feather lined gilded cage is still a cage. There's a difference between 'settled and cosy' and being in a rut. Let him go, while he's out, arrange a girls night out for the following weekend. You both sound like you need a break.

I think the issue, as revealed in later posts, is that he’s drinking to excess, possibly snorting coke on his nights out, and coming home demanding sex from OP. On that basis I’d say he was taking the piss and if I were the OP, I’d be reminding him he could have that lifestyle permanently if he so wished, just without me in it.

Yep. I've changed my vote based on the updates. It's not the going out once a week or even the coming back late, it's the behaviour afterwards which is putting a downer on the whole weekend.

I'd have a conversation and ask him to choose a different darts team to join - one where he's not tempted to join in excessive drinking or drug taking.

He needs a change of scenery from your "cosy" set up...and honestly so should you. Life is about balance.

I agree with this. Cosy can become monotonous. There's more to life than work and children. Of course life changes when children come along, but it doesn't have to end. You're still allowed to be your own person, have your own interests.
Spare room or sofa after his weekly darts night.

So the exact things I'm noticing....slurred talking, stumbling, sniffing repeatedly, seems more intense, wants to engage in conversation, wants sex but more roughly - hasn't forced it but it's feels a bit different.

I really think that posters need to read the OP’s updates before posting. These aren’t “innocent” darts nights.

@IsSheOkayOrWhat @Deboragh @LadeeLove @Minnie798 He goes to friends’ houses after the pub closes to drown their sorrows. Claims that they do coke and he doesn’t and rolls in at 3 am then demands rough sex..

@Givemeguidance I’ve read all your posts. I am glad you have separated the ‘special birthday’ event but you do need an open conversation about the darts night. There is nothing wrong with ‘a night off’. But coming home really late, not being quiet when he does and wanting sex knowing he will be disturbing you (and I don’t know if he’s pressuring you etc but it does sound grim) does need an open conversation around boundaries, what is and isn’t ok and so on. He ought to be more than willing to come straight home from the darts while the kids are small/settling. As for whether it’s drugs - don’t know. My OH slurs when he’s had a lot to drink.

What might also need a conversation is the whole ‘default parent’ bit. He shouldn’t assume you don’t have plans. And should try to make sure you get as much of a break. And as many others on here have said - he needs to make sure he is fit to parent the next day - that doesn’t mean he can’t ever do what he is doing, he just has to be more responsible/considerate/caring/mindful.

Hope you manage to talk properly without arguing. Definitely focus on sleep patterns for baby, your lack of sleep which makes you worry, sleep worse etc. Could you make a point of saying he can or you will sleep in spare room these odd nights? I don’t like sleeping apart but … very difficult.

If that’s all it is, then I don’t see that as an issue. One night out a week even if it is until 3am is not the problem.

A weekly hangover to the point you’re ruining the day after is not okay. Coming home (probably coked up) disturbing your wife and demanding rough sex is not okay.

The weekly night out is not the problem. His behaviour is.

Is it once a week he goes out normally? I can understand that, maybe he needs to de stress. My OH does this on the golf course rather than a pub, but he does go out a rare occasion, for example, a cousin's 'big' birthday and I'd be fine with that. I do get fed up that I'm home a lot with the children myself while he golfs but I get that he needs to have something outwith our family situation that he can do with friends. I don't have 2 under 2 though so I think thats a lot for you and maybe once a week he should be taking both children and let you get out, even if its just to see a film in peace at the cinema or a coffee with a friend? I think you sound like you need time too.

This is what alot of darts players do,I worked in a pub for years where we had multiple darts teams and played myself,they would drink for hours afterwards and then just go home..nothing sinister..going out partying with his cousins yeah annoying but it's his big birthday so unless you get a sitter what do you do ? Sorry but YABU youve got a good husband otherwise,don't lose him because he enjoys his darts or likes to socialise with his family but you say you cant get a sitter

Night out with cousins - fine. Let him crack on. Suggest he stays over with them rather than get home at 4am

every week a night darts followed by coke & rolling in at 3am, noisy & asking for sex? No. This needs a conversation. What’s going on here.

ask him how he would feel if it was you doing this….

I'm 100% sure if she was coming in at 3am and then being moody the next day when he'd been left with two children under 2, one still up during the night often, then he would be complaining too.

But his friends aren't just drinking, they are doing drugs too. He might not be but drugs environment is not the same as drink environment.

Its called being a parent.

@LadeeLove there are many things in between cosy set up and coming home at 3am coked up and asking for rough sex

So many people area voting and not seeing the updates about his change in behaviour, likely drug use, demanding rough sex when he gets in. He's mixing with people who are partying regularly on drugs. OP I feel for you. Yes he needs an outlet as do you.
But getting into drugs, regular drinking, disrespect to you, hungover regularly and not spending quality time with you all on weekends are not marks of a mature and reliable partner. He's clearly behaving in the week and letting loose with mid life crisis mode and bad habits on the weekend. I feel for you and the little ones.

Please monitor his behaviour and try to seek support from family and friends. He needs to start prioritising your family and be healthier.

One that's possibly using coke and who is coming home demanding rough sex? A good husband?

I sent my 1st message on what she originally posted..why didn't she state about the coke and rough sex in the start..she made him out to be an idyllic husband at first..stop now

because that wasn't the focus of her question, and quite often when you press the OP for more information, more comes out. She hadn't even considered it could be coke on any real level.

It's also why you should always read ALL of the OP's posts before replying when the thread is this long.

That’s why it’s always a good idea to read all of the OP’s posts…..

I honestly think an evening with his friends playing darts once a week is healthy. He gets to go be social. This other night out sounds like its been planned, I would let him go, but stress he can't spend the whole next day feeling terrible as hes wasting time with the kids. I think that's a fair compromise. Perhaps plan something in for you with a friend and have him parent his kids whilst you also have a break now and again. Time apart, hobbies and social time is healthy
The drinking though, if you feel he's getting excessively drunk at darts, then I would just keep an eye on it for now. Might be hes just sort of adjusting to life as a 4!

Had my first child at 24 the next one at 26. Then hubby decided he was going down the pub for a quick drink one night. This turned into every night for 10 years. At first he'd come back at a reasonable time but in the end he wasn't coming home at all and a couple of times he had lovebites on his neck.
I stuck it until the kids were 10 and 8 then said I was going and taking the kids, which I did.
Op don't let it turn into this for you. Put your foot down or start going out yourself. Tit for tat. He hated me going out and would cause a row when I started stopping out late. All I said was "you did last night why shouldn't I " That of course was his guilty conscience knowing what he'd been up to and thinking I'd been doing the same, which I hadn't. Nip it in the bud now before it gets any worse.
He was also good with the kids and did housework and cooking but just couldn't stop in,and in the end it ruined our relationship.

But OP can’t “nip it in the bud.” What on earth is wrong with mumsnet these days? Half the posters pretend to think its unconscionable that a woman with two under two would object to her dh avoiding taking turns caring for his own children by binge drinking once or twice a week. The other half insist that she can reason it out with him and persuade him to stop drinking.

Its not controlling to expect your dh to care more about his wife and infant children than randos at the pub who need to “drown their sorrows.” And its not possible to get a binge drinking cokehead to stop drinking and drugging.

OP can’t stop this man from tossing away his family. And I wish the mumsnetters who despise women and children with their “cosy” family needs hadn’t taken over the thread with their excuses for this cokehead and his darts gang. Going out binge drinking and drugging with your male friends at the pub once a week is not a meritorious act, its not interesting, its not brave, its just avoidance of family responsibility in a toxic, exclusionary, male society.

And so is she also a life after kids but unfortunately that doesn’t always happen. It is always the men who get to go out. It wasn’t just the once if you read what she is saying and doesn’t mind the odd time. You give them one inch then they take the whole hand.

This is a big hurdle in your marriage. Your H has become bored of the cosiness and want to return to his old way of life. There are several possible outcomes here. You could tolerate it and hope he tires of it. You could tolerate it and find that that just encourages him and it escalates. You could start trying to impose restrictions and he could comply and settle again. You could impose restrictions and he will feel even more trapped and eventually make a break for it.
As there's no guaranteed outcome here, the best course of action I think is to establish the boundaries that feel right for you and ask him to comply with them. If he values his family life more than his social life, he may compromise. If he doesn't, then at least you know where you stand and can plan accordingly.
If he does have a drink problem that's a whole other set of problems. So I'm hoping hard for you that he doesn't. But time will tell.