Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Safeguarding called me today regarding DD4

209 replies

CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:22

My daughter’s school called me today (she’s 4) she’s been at school two weeks- saying they have a safeguarding concern.

Another child in the playground of the same age (4) said she overheard my daughter saying ‘mummy hurt me’ and told a teacher so the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her if mummy hurt her and said yes on the arm- and pointed to her arm. (Nothing on her arm, I have not and would not ever hurt my children)

I completely understand that they have a safeguarding protocol- but AIBU to think it was completely wrong to out wright ask a child ‘did mummy hurt you?’ Because my daughter lives in imagination land 99% of the time- if I asked her if her teddy hurt her and where she would say yes and respond the same way!

I just felt really taken back by the phone call from safeguarding asking me ‘ is there any thing or any reason or event that has taken place for your daughter to say you hurt her and her arm?’

I am not disagreeing about the safe guarding point of view- it’s more the way it was handled in actually asking ‘did mummy hurt you?’ I feel like many kids that age would just waffle on and agree with it.

i feel so worried about it now. I have asked my daughter why she said that and she doesn’t even seem to remember? She’s just waffling on about other things from her day? She never says things like this at home. And it’s made me feel uneasy that a child has brought this information forward that could be untrue as I can’t see her saying that then by asking her like that it has basically put words into her mouth!?

does this mean they are raising a safeguarding concern? I didn’t even think to ask these questions as I was in shock when receiving the phone call. I don’t know what to expect I just feel upset that they didn’t handle it in a different way for a child this age.

she’s moving to a new school Monday (our catchment school she was on the waiting list for called 2 days ago with a last minute placement) which now looks terrible when her report is sent over with this on! I’m really worked up about it I just feel like it was handled wrong. If she said it directly to or infront of an adult I understand, but a child ? Then question directly ‘does mummy hurt you?’ AIBU?

OP posts:
Jaws2025 · 11/09/2025 21:25

I think you're being unreasonable. I think they had to ask. Something similar happened to me (and I had hurt him! Entirely accidentally) with a nursery age child and once they'd spoke to me about it it was all fine. But I'm glad they were looking out for my child, even though it was awfully embarrassing!

SneakyGremlin · 11/09/2025 21:26

Surely it's great that they're being proactive about her safety at home?

Raindancer411 · 11/09/2025 21:29

I just had safe guarding training and was told we shouldn’t use leading questions. They may have just said she was over heard saying it, rather than a direct question?

Original poster
CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:29

Thanks it’s good to hear other point of views. I think I’m just shocked since getting the call as I wasn’t expecting that. I agree it’s good they are being pro-active just felt if she didn’t say it it was almost pushing her to by outright asking ‘did mummy do this?’

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 11/09/2025 21:30

You aren’t meant to ask leading questions; that is safeguarding 101.

They should have asked her whether she was hurt and what happened.

They do have to follow up but, if they asked her that, they need a refresher course.

ADifferentDay · 11/09/2025 21:31

It's okay, you can set your mind at rest. They have to ask these questions if there is any possibility, but they will see that you are fine and they will be happy.

Please don't fret about it. These things happen all the time, and they ask, and you answer, and it's all done.

If people ask anything like this again, just remember to be calm and kind and honest and it will all blow over very quickly. They don't have time to spend on families that are obviously fine.

Original poster
CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:31

@Raindancer411 yes the teacher told me when I collected her that she asked her ‘does mummy hurt you?’ Which is the main thing that’s bothering me. I don’t think she said it at all 😣

OP posts:
WhiskyintheJarr · 11/09/2025 21:32

SneakyGremlin · 11/09/2025 21:26

Surely it's great that they're being proactive about her safety at home?

I mean ultimately I don’t disagree with this but I also think it’s entirely understandable that the OP would be rattled by this. Both those things can be true. Yet on these sorts of threads, people act like the OP is unreasonable for feeling this way.

People aren’t robots. I’d definitely be anxious and upset about a call like that.

WhiskyintheJarr · 11/09/2025 21:33

ADifferentDay · 11/09/2025 21:31

It's okay, you can set your mind at rest. They have to ask these questions if there is any possibility, but they will see that you are fine and they will be happy.

Please don't fret about it. These things happen all the time, and they ask, and you answer, and it's all done.

If people ask anything like this again, just remember to be calm and kind and honest and it will all blow over very quickly. They don't have time to spend on families that are obviously fine.

So, what, the teacher asks and takes the answers at face value? An abusive parent is hardly going to be like “yeah I beat her on the daily 🤷🏻‍♀️”

Izzywizzy85 · 11/09/2025 21:34

Don’t be silly, of course they had to ask her,

CatamaranViper · 11/09/2025 21:34

She's too little to ask her "can you tell me about the discussion you had with X on this day?" Or "I hear you have a sore arm, can you tell me what happened?".

How else could they ask the question they needed to?
What questions would you prefer they asked?

I get it's embarrassing for those who haven't done anything, but better someone be embarrassed than a child hurt.

ChirpyDreamer · 11/09/2025 21:36

If they asked your daughter ‘did mummy hurt you’ then they have failed safeguarding 101 by asking a leading question!! However, if they asked open questions and didn’t put words in her mouth then that is the right way to do it.

Sorry my phone is playing up - I didn’t see your updates. I’m afraid I’d be speaking to the school about this, as this is not the right way to safeguard children. Whilst it is fantastic that the teacher is following up on a concern, they have gone about it the wrong way. Their safeguarding practice is not ok

QuirkyHorse · 11/09/2025 21:36

As others have said, direct questions are big no no.
But it is good that they have followed it up, albeit rather clumsily.

Glurgle · 11/09/2025 21:36

Jaws2025 · 11/09/2025 21:25

I think you're being unreasonable. I think they had to ask. Something similar happened to me (and I had hurt him! Entirely accidentally) with a nursery age child and once they'd spoke to me about it it was all fine. But I'm glad they were looking out for my child, even though it was awfully embarrassing!

It's the teacher who was being unreasonable, by asking a blatantly leading question.

I would have a word with the school if I were you, OP. And get your complaint in writing, so you start a paper trail.

Original poster
CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:37

The thing is she never said she had a sore arm. A child in the playground mentioned it to an adult she said ‘mummy hurt me’ it was when the teacher said does mummy hurt you she said yes and pointed to her arm? And the safeguarding team called me not the teacher so it seemed really serious on the call. She has no mark or anything sore on her arms. I just felt it was like words were put into her mouth slightly …. She never says stuff like that at home it was just such a strange horrible situation like I was being interrogated for something that no one was even witness to what she ‘said’ apart from another small child?

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 11/09/2025 21:41

As they heard another child repeat it, I imagine the question was more along the lines of: Samantha said she heard you say that your mummy hurt you - is that true/did she hear correctly?

It’s a shock and not nice to hear, but totally normal. Before safeguarding was a word and I was kid back in the days when dinosaurs walked the earth… I went out on my bike on a Sunday, went right over the handlebars, gave myself two black eyes and knocked out one of my front baby teeth. As well as having some impressive gravel burns and bruising.

I used to walk to Primary School, so no one to drop me off or have a conversation at the school gates. I looked a state on Monday morning. My teacher took me aside and asked me what had happened - so I told her the honest truth.

When my mum came to pick me up at the end of the day (she worked part time so would pick me up on her drive home) there was the teacher and the local policeman waiting to have a word with her! No one believed I could have done that much damage to myself in the way that I had!

My mum listened politely and just reaffirmed what I said. “Arlanymor is a bit of a rough and tumble kid - she throws herself into life a bit too hard sometimes!” She wasn’t annoyed that they asked but she obviously couldn’t prove a negative. And she said to them that she appreciated them caring about me and that we were sorry to worry them. I was more affronted than my mum and said: “I did try to tell them and they didn’t listen!” (And the policeman, who
was the local village Bobby laughed at my outrage!).

I am typing this - at the grand old age of 46 - with a broken thumb (shut it in the car door a month ago) and two broken toes (first one from 1 August dancing with a friend at a disco; second from doing handstands with my goddaughters on 1 September). I still throw myself into life a bit too much!

Anyway, I just told that tale to reinforce the point that safeguarding is all of our business and it’s so important that it is. Also some kids say nutty things and do nutty things - and safeguarders know this too.

Nanny0gg · 11/09/2025 21:42

ADifferentDay · 11/09/2025 21:31

It's okay, you can set your mind at rest. They have to ask these questions if there is any possibility, but they will see that you are fine and they will be happy.

Please don't fret about it. These things happen all the time, and they ask, and you answer, and it's all done.

If people ask anything like this again, just remember to be calm and kind and honest and it will all blow over very quickly. They don't have time to spend on families that are obviously fine.

it was the type of quest-on not the fact that she was questioned that's the issue

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2025 21:44

Raindancer411 · 11/09/2025 21:29

I just had safe guarding training and was told we shouldn’t use leading questions. They may have just said she was over heard saying it, rather than a direct question?

This is what I was going to say, you shouldn’t ask leading questions.

If there was a genuine case of abuse going on, they’ve now contaminated the evidence.

Yes they should be acting proactively and investigating any allegations but they need to do it in the right way.

ChirpyDreamer · 11/09/2025 21:44

CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:37

The thing is she never said she had a sore arm. A child in the playground mentioned it to an adult she said ‘mummy hurt me’ it was when the teacher said does mummy hurt you she said yes and pointed to her arm? And the safeguarding team called me not the teacher so it seemed really serious on the call. She has no mark or anything sore on her arms. I just felt it was like words were put into her mouth slightly …. She never says stuff like that at home it was just such a strange horrible situation like I was being interrogated for something that no one was even witness to what she ‘said’ apart from another small child?

The safeguarding lead / team calling is often standard practice, as safeguarding concerns will be passed onto them by staff. I have called home on occasion about safeguarding concerns that have been raised, but the safeguarding lead was aware of the situation and it was in had, but I was calling to update parents. Generally though I do not make safeguarding calls.

ChirpyDreamer · 11/09/2025 21:47

CatamaranViper · 11/09/2025 21:34

She's too little to ask her "can you tell me about the discussion you had with X on this day?" Or "I hear you have a sore arm, can you tell me what happened?".

How else could they ask the question they needed to?
What questions would you prefer they asked?

I get it's embarrassing for those who haven't done anything, but better someone be embarrassed than a child hurt.

But you absolutely can try and ask a 4 year old ‘can you tell me what happened to your arm’ and see what they say.

Better to do that than say ‘did mummy hurt you’

Original poster
CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:49

Thank you everyone. It’s made me feel better hearing this. Do you think I should write an email to the school regarding this? She is not going back after today as she has an hours settling in visit tomorrow at her new school before first full day Monday. I’m just so worried what the new school will be thinking now not knowing the full situation. Part of me is telling me to leave it but another part can’t stop thinking about the fact words were put into her mouth?

OP posts:
Original poster
CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:52

She doesn’t have any recollection. I know they need to listen to other children but I really don’t understand how if she has no marks, and being pulled aside and asked does mummy hurt you and where is ok!? A lot of children would just say anything to fit what the teachers asking in that moment. I just feel frustrated as I know she wouldn’t say this 😞

OP posts:
Jaws2025 · 11/09/2025 21:52

But which is really bothering you OP, the leading question or the fact that someone at the school might think you deliberately hurt your child?

butidid · 11/09/2025 21:54

Agree not helpful to ask a leading question.
Also a bit silly to follow up with a phone call, how does that identify abuse anyway? Like anyone would admit it if they were doing something wrong

Original poster
CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:55

Both!! Mainly the question to be honest. It makes no sense why it would be approached that way ….And who wants anyone thinking they deliberately hurt their child? She’s my little best friend and I love her more than anything and to be made to feel like your being questioned over there wellbeing over a comment from another child and then hearing she’s been asked the way she was HURTS? What mother wouldn’t feel this way? It’s worrying to be honest.

OP posts: