Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Safeguarding called me today regarding DD4

209 replies

CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:22

My daughter’s school called me today (she’s 4) she’s been at school two weeks- saying they have a safeguarding concern.

Another child in the playground of the same age (4) said she overheard my daughter saying ‘mummy hurt me’ and told a teacher so the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her if mummy hurt her and said yes on the arm- and pointed to her arm. (Nothing on her arm, I have not and would not ever hurt my children)

I completely understand that they have a safeguarding protocol- but AIBU to think it was completely wrong to out wright ask a child ‘did mummy hurt you?’ Because my daughter lives in imagination land 99% of the time- if I asked her if her teddy hurt her and where she would say yes and respond the same way!

I just felt really taken back by the phone call from safeguarding asking me ‘ is there any thing or any reason or event that has taken place for your daughter to say you hurt her and her arm?’

I am not disagreeing about the safe guarding point of view- it’s more the way it was handled in actually asking ‘did mummy hurt you?’ I feel like many kids that age would just waffle on and agree with it.

i feel so worried about it now. I have asked my daughter why she said that and she doesn’t even seem to remember? She’s just waffling on about other things from her day? She never says things like this at home. And it’s made me feel uneasy that a child has brought this information forward that could be untrue as I can’t see her saying that then by asking her like that it has basically put words into her mouth!?

does this mean they are raising a safeguarding concern? I didn’t even think to ask these questions as I was in shock when receiving the phone call. I don’t know what to expect I just feel upset that they didn’t handle it in a different way for a child this age.

she’s moving to a new school Monday (our catchment school she was on the waiting list for called 2 days ago with a last minute placement) which now looks terrible when her report is sent over with this on! I’m really worked up about it I just feel like it was handled wrong. If she said it directly to or infront of an adult I understand, but a child ? Then question directly ‘does mummy hurt you?’ AIBU?

OP posts:
Anahelen · 12/09/2025 17:21

WhiskyintheJarr · 11/09/2025 21:33

So, what, the teacher asks and takes the answers at face value? An abusive parent is hardly going to be like “yeah I beat her on the daily 🤷🏻‍♀️”

Show quote history

And that's why the process is worthless. An abused child won't say, abusive parents are very good at making up convincing stories, they have had lots of practice and no abusive parents are stressed out for no reason.
If there is no bruise or sign of i njury and the teacher didn't hear it them I think it should be watch and wait.

Supersensitive · 12/09/2025 17:23

CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:22

My daughter’s school called me today (she’s 4) she’s been at school two weeks- saying they have a safeguarding concern.

Another child in the playground of the same age (4) said she overheard my daughter saying ‘mummy hurt me’ and told a teacher so the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her if mummy hurt her and said yes on the arm- and pointed to her arm. (Nothing on her arm, I have not and would not ever hurt my children)

I completely understand that they have a safeguarding protocol- but AIBU to think it was completely wrong to out wright ask a child ‘did mummy hurt you?’ Because my daughter lives in imagination land 99% of the time- if I asked her if her teddy hurt her and where she would say yes and respond the same way!

I just felt really taken back by the phone call from safeguarding asking me ‘ is there any thing or any reason or event that has taken place for your daughter to say you hurt her and her arm?’

I am not disagreeing about the safe guarding point of view- it’s more the way it was handled in actually asking ‘did mummy hurt you?’ I feel like many kids that age would just waffle on and agree with it.

i feel so worried about it now. I have asked my daughter why she said that and she doesn’t even seem to remember? She’s just waffling on about other things from her day? She never says things like this at home. And it’s made me feel uneasy that a child has brought this information forward that could be untrue as I can’t see her saying that then by asking her like that it has basically put words into her mouth!?

does this mean they are raising a safeguarding concern? I didn’t even think to ask these questions as I was in shock when receiving the phone call. I don’t know what to expect I just feel upset that they didn’t handle it in a different way for a child this age.

she’s moving to a new school Monday (our catchment school she was on the waiting list for called 2 days ago with a last minute placement) which now looks terrible when her report is sent over with this on! I’m really worked up about it I just feel like it was handled wrong. If she said it directly to or infront of an adult I understand, but a child ? Then question directly ‘does mummy hurt you?’ AIBU?

I agree wholeheartedly with safeguarding being involved for even the smallest of comments - there have been too many missed chances to save children.

However, they have absolutely done the wrong thing by outright asking her. All safeguarding advice and guidelines go against that, it absolutely should never be done ( I’m a teacher so I have done about a million safeguarding courses and that is always a non negotiable) - If she were to be in danger and have been abused , then asking her could have a case thrown out because it could be seen as coercing her.

I highly doubt, if there are no other safeguarding concerns, that it would go anywhere else aside it being on her record so if it was said again there is evidence. They will likely call you in to discuss it but with no evidence or concerns it will likely be just that. I have had a child say something extremely concerning to me about a parent before, the parent had an explanation, there were no concerns raised before so it was just logged.

mugglewump · 12/09/2025 17:25

I have seen several people saying you aren't allowed to ask leading questions. I would expect what was said was, 'X heard you say that mummy had hurt you on your arm. Is that what you said? Mummy hurt me on my arm?' That is not a leading question. It is just asking for clarification. It was probably followed up with a where does it hurt? Can you show me? And then C'POM'd for a follow up call to mum. The fact that mum says there was no mark means it won't go any further. Mum is just a bit spooked, understandably so, but staff were just following protocol. We would all want this to happen if our children reported someone had hurt them.

Freshwhitetulips · 12/09/2025 17:35

No, you are not being unreasonable. I work at a school and you are not supposed to ask leading or probing questions. The teacher was right to log it as a concern but all she needed to include was what the other child had told her about overhearing what your daughter had said and that is it. It then would've been passed to the school's Designated Safeguarding Lead and they would've handled it appropriately. That teacher was in the wrong to ask your daughter questions. That other child may have misheard and now that teacher has asked your daughter a leading question and she might have remembered a time when you bumped her by accident and it hurt her. I'd be putting in a complaint as she has not followed the correct procedure.

Wisenotboring · 12/09/2025 17:37

As you have acknowledged, it's great they are following up a concerning question. However, it's a very basic part of safeguarding that they cant ask leading questions. I would be interested to know who has asked it and when? I would also want the manner in which this was done to be documented on cpoms or whatever other recording system they use.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 12/09/2025 17:53

The school were right to investigate but they should not have asked such a closed question as “did mummy hurt you?”. It should be done in a much more conversational and open manner.

Polarpup · 12/09/2025 17:57

Newbutoldfather · 11/09/2025 21:30

You aren’t meant to ask leading questions; that is safeguarding 101.

They should have asked her whether she was hurt and what happened.

They do have to follow up but, if they asked her that, they need a refresher course.

Absolutely agree. They were asking a leading question which put words into her mouth. This should not have happened and is not good practice.

GiveDogBone · 12/09/2025 17:59

Yes, of course it shocking to you. But that absolutely doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Poppins21 · 12/09/2025 17:59

CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:31

@Raindancer411 yes the teacher told me when I collected her that she asked her ‘does mummy hurt you?’ Which is the main thing that’s bothering me. I don’t think she said it at all 😣

Maybe consult a family law solicitor about the leading question and see where you stand?

GrannyNannyMagratandGreebo · 12/09/2025 17:59

Newbutoldfather · 11/09/2025 21:30

You aren’t meant to ask leading questions; that is safeguarding 101.

They should have asked her whether she was hurt and what happened.

They do have to follow up but, if they asked her that, they need a refresher course.

I agree.

(Kept clicking on the wrong reaction thingy, sorry)

IhateBegonias · 12/09/2025 18:00

The staff should not have asked closed/leading questions. A better question to ask would’ve been ‘have you hurt yourself?’, etc.
try not to worry.

Lizziespring · 12/09/2025 18:01

I worked in family support for 12 years. We were trained not to ask children leading questions, so you're right to be uneasy about it. It's not good practice.
But I was also summoned by the teacher once when my five year old had a weeping meltdown at school. They'd asked "Are you in pain"? No. "Are you upset about someone"? Yes. "Is it someone in class? No. Is it Mummy?" Yes.
It turned out he'd overheard me telling another mother I was terrified of the dentist I was going to that morning and had imploded an hour later.
I still cringe at the implied accusation, but I'm 100% sure nobody else remembered it a week later.
I hope you and your ❤️ little best friend ❤️ love the new school.

MMUmum · 12/09/2025 18:02

My Dd started climbing as soon as she could walk, her legs were always bruised. Her teacher asked if mummy or daddy had hurt her and she said 'no I just fell off the bench in the yard' I was reassured that they were checking, rather than upset that she was asked.

debjane88 · 12/09/2025 18:06

A similar thing happened to me except about a sexual thing....children being curious...and social workers came to my house. I felt awful. It is embarrassing and stressful and upsetting but I know they need to all be doing their jobs so I just had to suck it up. Nothing came of it because I think they were experienced enough to see he had a safe home...with me ...a single mum. I understand how you feel but you just need to move on.

Petitchat · 12/09/2025 18:08

MMUmum · 12/09/2025 18:02

My Dd started climbing as soon as she could walk, her legs were always bruised. Her teacher asked if mummy or daddy had hurt her and she said 'no I just fell off the bench in the yard' I was reassured that they were checking, rather than upset that she was asked.

But that's different because your DD didn't answer yes, that mummy did hurt her. Which is what this thread is about.

saffy2 · 12/09/2025 18:10

They absolutely should not have said, did mummy hurt you. And when that is documented, as it should be verbatim the lado will question that question. I’ve also done just safeguarding training for early years (which your child is).
it is good they are trying to help. However, if they actually believed your child was in danger and you had hurt her they wouldn’t have called you. I’d actually ask to speak to their designated safeguarding lead, because that’s two quite large errors that have been made there that could lead to a child being put into danger if this was to be done with an actual safeguarding issue.

spirit20 · 12/09/2025 18:11

DontUseMySkipLol · 11/09/2025 22:08

If my boy whos 8 misbehaves he gets a wack if he does something good he gets rewarded he knows he does and no school is gonna tell me any different I got a few whacks when I was a kid for misbehaving and never did me any harm

His school's safeguarding team, the police, and social services will view that very differently.

carchi · 12/09/2025 18:12

Newbutoldfather · 11/09/2025 21:30

You aren’t meant to ask leading questions; that is safeguarding 101.

They should have asked her whether she was hurt and what happened.

They do have to follow up but, if they asked her that, they need a refresher course.

Absolutely agree. Not only a leading question but also a closed question "does your mummy hurt you ?"
Whoever questioned this child has zero knowledge of how to deal with this situation and should have referred it to someone who is more qualified.

Walkaround · 12/09/2025 18:13

That’s shockingly bad behaviour on the part of the teacher. The first thing you are taught in safeguarding training is never to ask leading questions.

QuaintPearlScroller · 12/09/2025 18:14

The way the school addressed it was completely wrong
they will get a social worker to follow up and then close it once their checks have been done and they have no concerns

Petitchat · 12/09/2025 18:20

mugglewump · 12/09/2025 17:25

I have seen several people saying you aren't allowed to ask leading questions. I would expect what was said was, 'X heard you say that mummy had hurt you on your arm. Is that what you said? Mummy hurt me on my arm?' That is not a leading question. It is just asking for clarification. It was probably followed up with a where does it hurt? Can you show me? And then C'POM'd for a follow up call to mum. The fact that mum says there was no mark means it won't go any further. Mum is just a bit spooked, understandably so, but staff were just following protocol. We would all want this to happen if our children reported someone had hurt them.

I think you have read it wrong.

It wasn't "X heard you say that mummy had hurt you on your arm. Is that what you said? Mummy hurt me on my arm"

It went like this:
Another child heard the DD saying "mummy hurt me" and that child told the teacher.
Teacher then asked DD if mummy hurt her. DD said yes and then pointed to her arm.

This is OP's concern and I would feel the same.
It WASN'T correct protocol and could lead to problems.

Mandazi · 12/09/2025 18:20

CC943 · 11/09/2025 21:22

My daughter’s school called me today (she’s 4) she’s been at school two weeks- saying they have a safeguarding concern.

Another child in the playground of the same age (4) said she overheard my daughter saying ‘mummy hurt me’ and told a teacher so the teacher pulled my daughter aside and asked her if mummy hurt her and said yes on the arm- and pointed to her arm. (Nothing on her arm, I have not and would not ever hurt my children)

I completely understand that they have a safeguarding protocol- but AIBU to think it was completely wrong to out wright ask a child ‘did mummy hurt you?’ Because my daughter lives in imagination land 99% of the time- if I asked her if her teddy hurt her and where she would say yes and respond the same way!

I just felt really taken back by the phone call from safeguarding asking me ‘ is there any thing or any reason or event that has taken place for your daughter to say you hurt her and her arm?’

I am not disagreeing about the safe guarding point of view- it’s more the way it was handled in actually asking ‘did mummy hurt you?’ I feel like many kids that age would just waffle on and agree with it.

i feel so worried about it now. I have asked my daughter why she said that and she doesn’t even seem to remember? She’s just waffling on about other things from her day? She never says things like this at home. And it’s made me feel uneasy that a child has brought this information forward that could be untrue as I can’t see her saying that then by asking her like that it has basically put words into her mouth!?

does this mean they are raising a safeguarding concern? I didn’t even think to ask these questions as I was in shock when receiving the phone call. I don’t know what to expect I just feel upset that they didn’t handle it in a different way for a child this age.

she’s moving to a new school Monday (our catchment school she was on the waiting list for called 2 days ago with a last minute placement) which now looks terrible when her report is sent over with this on! I’m really worked up about it I just feel like it was handled wrong. If she said it directly to or infront of an adult I understand, but a child ? Then question directly ‘does mummy hurt you?’ AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable. The safeguarding team really shouldn’t ask leading questions like that, so yes, that was a mistake on their part.

In my experience working in education, you can absolutely contact the school and ask to speak to (or meet with) the Designated Safeguarding Lead. It’s perfectly reasonable to request a copy or summary of what’s been logged about the concern, so you know exactly what’s on record. When this kind of information is shared with a new school, it’s normally nothing more than a brief note such as “concern raised, checked, no evidence found.” That way you can be reassured it won’t follow you or your child around in a negative way.

Schmellywelly · 12/09/2025 18:20

When my DD was in y4 (so approx.9 yrs) the class watched an NSPCC video along the lines of DV in the home and when to tell an adult. My DD then disclosed that "my mum and dad shout at each other every night and they wake me up at night its so loud, they are always arguing)
I got the dreaded safeguarding call, could I come in for a meeting that day.
I got there and they told me the disclosure, my DD was waiting outside. I was so shocked, I said "what?? She hears me and my husband arguing? Are you sure she said it was us?" As by 9pm when the kids are in bed, we are usually far to exhausted from the day to say more than do you want a cup of tea! Plus my husband is so laid back, he probably only raises his voice once a year! " The SG lead said she could see from my face that I had no idea what she was talking about so they brought me DD and I thought oh here we go, she will backtrack now but no, she doubled down, it was definitely dads voice she could hear shouting and me shouting back and it kept her awake night after night.
We made an agreement that next time she heard us shouting and it woke her up, she was to come downstairs and we would reassure her all was ok. Funnily enough, she has never come down since and I asked her every morning after for months amd months to check if she was ok. We also spoke to our DS (who was a teen at the time) and he had never heard anything either.

A few days after the meeting, I spoke to DD about it again, reassured she wasnt in trouble and I assured her id rather she told a teacher etc if she was ever worried, and asked was she sure thats what she heard. It turned out the video reminded her of one day, over 2 years earlier(!!!) When my DH and I had had an argument because he left chicken to defrost on the kitchen bench for over 24 hours, on a hot July day, and then tried to cook and feed it to us and I was not impressed with the chance of food poisoning and made my feelings known.

For about a year after, I avoided the SG lead in the playground, and could not look her in face. I did have a meeting with DDs teacher a few weeks later and assured her id got to the bottom of what was going on but the embarrassment was real! The school assured me it was the first time and it wont be the last that this sort of thing happened, so please dont worry too much OP, you will be surprised at how many people this has happened to! I was telling friends and they shared similar stories too

Jumpers4goalposts · 12/09/2025 18:21

The school handled this exactly how they should, and exactly how most parents would want them to, you have no reason to email them. They were looking after your child’s best interests.

Petitchat · 12/09/2025 18:27

Jumpers4goalposts · 12/09/2025 18:21

The school handled this exactly how they should, and exactly how most parents would want them to, you have no reason to email them. They were looking after your child’s best interests.

Omg! Words fail me....