Not offering seats for pregnant women

[Pregnantgrumps]

I’m pregnant for the first time and have been really shocked and disappointed in people’s failure to offer seats on public transport / waiting rooms / platforms / you name it.

Is this just a phenomenon in my local area or everywhere now?

At first from about 5 months pregnant I joked about it to DP and family and friends: how pregnant do you have to be before people offer you a seat?? But I’m now 40 WEEKS pregnant and not laughing anymore.

Basically I’ve discovered the only chance of being offered a seat is if there’s a woman sitting who has been pregnant herself. If it’s all young people or men you can forget it.

Yesterday I was literally having to weigh up do I get off the train and wait for another that might have seats or do I say something and try and shame people into getting up. Because I can no longer stand for the full journey to the hospital / midwives.

I appreciate maybe there’s some people who carry their pregnancy weight in such a way that it’s ambiguous but I literally look like I’m shoplifting a melon here.

If there is a staff member on the platform then ask if they will help you find a seat. Usually they will board train with you & help you.

I am one of those who will pretend not to notice because standing stationary on moving vehicles inflames my hips really painfully and that ache will be with me all evening/ keep me awake later. But since I am in my 30s and look normal I guess people might think I'm just rude. When they ask me directly for a seat at least there is a window in which to explain/ apologise. I think its much better if we just talk to each other.

I’ve been pregnant twice in four years and found the opposite - multiple people were offering me seats on every commute on train and tube from about 14 weeks to 40 weeks, and I didn’t wear a badge. I’d say it was mostly 35+ age men and women, younger people didn’t seem offer. I actually was feeling fine and didn’t need a seat, but was so grateful people asked, and it restored my faith in humanity a bit.

When I desperately did need one was the first trimester with the nausea, vomiting and dizziness, but this is exactly when you look normal and have to stand. I felt too ill to ask, but I now try to look out for anyone who is looking like that (bloodless, nauseous, heavy slow breathing 🤣) and quietly offer my seat

This also surprised me! It doesn’t change when you have a newborn either. I had a horrible journey from Manchester to Leeds when my daughter was screaming and needed breast feeding and I was looking around desperately for a seat and people just ignored me or pretended not to notice when I asked. Had to get my boob out stood up and balance her and me. Then they all got off 20mins later at the next stop. I don’t think pregnant women’s needs are always greater than others. I have a friend who has lupus and you wouldn’t know but he absolutely needs a seat. However this was a lot of people I’m sure someone would have been able to stand for 20 mins.

This here. I don’t use an aid most of the time, so if I’m stationary sitting down - you wouldn’t be able to see the amount of chronic pain I have, the deformed and stiffened joints. So harassing people that look ‘normal’ could be disabled or could be early stages of pregnancy themselves. It’s an awkward one because asking is the right thing, but it also makes people uncomfortable in the sense of openly saying to the transport ‘I can’t give you my seat because I’m disabled/pregnant’. I would politely say no, but out of anxiety I probably wouldn’t say my needs of being disabled, especially if the individual is being pretty antagonising and shaming

Basically I’ve discovered the only chance of being offered a seat is if there’s a woman sitting who has been pregnant herself. If it’s all young people or men you can forget it.

How can you tell by looking at a woman whether she has ever been pregnant? The fact she has no children with her means nothing. FWIW I’ve never been pregnant but would offer you my seat.

I always got offered a seat on the tube unless it was so crowded that the people in the seats couldn’t see me

just shout ‘in heavily pregnant can anyone give me a seat please’

I think it’s everyone having their faces in phones all day long

It's nice if folk offer you a seat, however what gives you a right to shame anyone? Some folk might also need their seat.

100% of the times when I have been offered a seat it’s been by a woman with her children or she’s said something along the lines of ‘I remember what it was like when I was pregnant’.

That’s just been my personal experience. But there must be some exceptions because I used to offer before I fell pregnant.

The last thing I want is to shame someone. That’s certainly not my motivation! And that’s what I worry I would be doing if I asked. Especially when I’ve seen a lot of people have clocked me. And for the exact reason you say, I don’t know who to direct the request too and don’t want to put anyone on the spot who might have a less visible need for the seat. That’s why I think it would all work much better if people who are in good health and feel up to standing offered without being asked.

Asking the carriage at large 'please could someone give me a priority seat, I'm pregnant' does not shame anyone.

You both need seats. The OP is not saying you need to give up your seat for her. That's why your comment was silly.

When I was in the latter stages of pregnancy I entered a packed train and couldn't get to my booked seat. I just shouted sorry to bother people I have a pre booked seat halfway down carriage and I wouldn't normally ask but heavily pregnant and need help getting to it. A few people near me offered their seats and I sat in one of them. Nobody minded and all happy to help and said I absolutely was right asking. Don't be scared to advocate for yourself.

Can you get up and down off the floor? I’ve experienced this when I’ve hobbled into the doctors with two walking sticks and everyone has studiously looked away rather than offer me a seat. Once I’m on the floor people will usually be horrified and offer their seat then, and which point I explain that having got on the floor it’s going to be a big effort for me to get up again and I don’t want to add getting up off a chair to it as well. Admittedly this doesn’t help from the point of view of me getting a seat, but I like to think they feel a bit ashamed of themselves and might act differently next time.

I used to stand in the middle of the carriage and say very loudly “please could someone give me a seat”. I am bolshy like that. But I also think commuters are often totally tuned out and genuinely don’t see other people if they’re reading/on phone

I have had 3 childen and have commuted on tubes and trains heavily pregnant.

1. i will always ask people to move if I see a pregnant woman on the train especially if commuter london type busy / packed

2. however I also think that the woman on a non busy train should find her voice and ask. I cant see a badge saying baby on board if I'm closing my eyes or reading a book.

3. busy trains are also up to the womans discretion though as sometimes there is no option to move even if a seat was offered up

In most instances I've seen seats been given up easily as soon as the folk noticed her / or indeed me without time for prompting pretty quickly

9/10 I wouldn't move, because I also need a seat.
Blame the train/bus companies, not other tired travellers.

People are being vile here

She doesn't think she is more entitled that you. She just wishes that people who are sitting in these seats who aren't elderly or unable to stand for other reasons would give up their seat for an obviously heavily pregnant woman.

Some people are just selfish arseholes. A relatively young man sat in one of the priority seats on the bus and put his rucksack on the other priority seat and didn't even move it when an elderly man with a walking stick got on the bus.

I had to ask once! I had the pregnant badge on, the one you can get from TfL.

His wife was in the priority seat and he was next to her. They both noticed me but did nothing so I asked for the seat and he had the cheek to say he hopes I'm really pregnant and not pretending 🙄 but he did get up so I could sit.

But honestly priority seats are there for a reason. People shouldn't sit in them unless they need them. And the minute an able person sees a pregnant woman or an elderly person or a disabled person then they should give up the seat for them.

It's all down to manners unfortunately.

I found this a bit.

Id offer, but fall into the ‘I’ve been pregnant’ category.
Young people don’t learn these kind of things anymore , there’s a sense of entitlement and men have never had a clue/or everyone is glued to their phones.
You can ask.
They would have to be extremely hard faced not to give up their seat.

I don’t think it is a now thing. Not offered seats most of the times I was commuting through pregnancy 16 years ago. When I was offered it was men and women. Twice I had a woman, (not the same one and it was train one time and tube another) enter the carriage and yell at the other passengers for leaving me standing obviously heavily pregnant in July.

I asked for a seat once, well actually for a lady to move to the inner seat so I could sit on the outer one. I wasn’t feeling great standing that day and was too afraid to squeeze past to the inner one in case I fell on her (there was a table). She said no. Embarrassingly, there were a few silent tears as I didn’t find it easy to ask.

I did once see a woman walk straight on the tube and just say can I have that seat to a man sitting on the tube. I just don’t have it in me but I can ask a carriage if anyone can give a seat to someone I see in need.

it did piss me off when a friend was pregnant and complained about lack of care from other passengers when I’d never seen her offer her seat to someone more in need. She always let someone else do that.

This happened at my 20 week scan. Non of the partners of other pg women would budge.

Honestly? I think a lot of people (mainly youths and men) don't consider pregnancy the same as elderly and disabled, or even on par with things like a broken leg. Pregnancy is a choice, and is temporary. Yes it can cause pain, balance problems and tiredness, but I think a lot of people don't consider it to trump being tired or sore themselves, e.g after a long or hard/tiring work day. Pregnant women are typically otherwise young and healthy, i think a lot of society think pregnancy symptoms are just inconvenient or annoying little niggles, and not a big deal, and something the pregnant woman has willingly signed up for by getting/staying pregnant. They don't see it as being a higher "need" wsituation to needing a seat as any other general passenger.
Of course some will have hidden disabilities, illness, injury etc, others simply don't think you need the seat enough to inconvenience themself to stand, which most people don't want to do.
Others may have a several hour long journey and don't want to give up a seat not knowing how long they will have to stand for, as they're a free for all every time one becomes available, and could end up stuck standing the entire way.

I hate the ‘pregnancy is a choice’ brigade. Yes it is but it’s a choice that only 50% of the population has to bear the physical consequences of and by thinking of it as ‘the woman got herself in this situation so deserves no sympathy, empathy or special circumstances’ you’re basically removing the blame from the man that also made the choice to conceive. I bet loads of men that won’t stand for a pregnant woman have children or have got someone pregnant.