Not offering seats for pregnant women

[Pregnantgrumps]

I’m pregnant for the first time and have been really shocked and disappointed in people’s failure to offer seats on public transport / waiting rooms / platforms / you name it.

Is this just a phenomenon in my local area or everywhere now?

At first from about 5 months pregnant I joked about it to DP and family and friends: how pregnant do you have to be before people offer you a seat?? But I’m now 40 WEEKS pregnant and not laughing anymore.

Basically I’ve discovered the only chance of being offered a seat is if there’s a woman sitting who has been pregnant herself. If it’s all young people or men you can forget it.

Yesterday I was literally having to weigh up do I get off the train and wait for another that might have seats or do I say something and try and shame people into getting up. Because I can no longer stand for the full journey to the hospital / midwives.

I appreciate maybe there’s some people who carry their pregnancy weight in such a way that it’s ambiguous but I literally look like I’m shoplifting a melon here.

I used to wear a bright top, pull my coat back, and shove my massive belly in someone’s face! Used to work a treat on the tube!

The poster hasn’t got a cheek, they’re just reminding you that you are responsible for yourself. It’s weird that when you are the one that wants a seat, that you are trying to put the responsibility of you getting one solely onto others. They must offer you and then give you their seat if you say yes. Just bloody ask. Pregnancy may make women feel tired, make it harder to balance, make her back or hips hurt etc meaning she requires a seat, but it doesn’t stop you from advocating for yourself. Ask for a seat and the vast majority that are able to stand to allow you to sit, will.

Wouldn’t it have been easier to just ask? Just act like a normal human.

It's really bad now. I remember working until 38 weeks and I was huge and obviously pregnant. Rarely anyone stood up during rush hour. I have no idea what is wrong with people. I always offer a seat if I think the other person may need it more.

Lucky you. You know it’s not a personal achievement to have had an easier pregnancy than some other women. I suspect many women at 40 weeks pregnant would prefer to sit down on an underground train.

I am not your opponent you need to stand up to. I probably wasn't on these trains with you. I was trying to be constructive, but I understand that's not wanted. Personally I find it sad that there is something blocking you from asking for what you need and that you'd rather suffer.

Another delightful encounter. I was schlepping to Harley St for a scan once when about eight months pregnant, and unfortunately had my toddler in tow. I carried him onto the train and a family of youngish, able bodied people raced me to the seats. And won.

The train was packed and my toddler wasn’t keen so I stood, pregnant, holding my toddler, and announced that I hoped they were proud of themselves. I requested a seat from the carriage at large, to be met with awkward silence around me. It was a very touristy line and only one woman, miles down the carriage, called me over to have her seat. She had a baby strapped to her.

I live in a Southern European country, and there is none of this ‘just ask if you want a seat’ as people are proactively offering it. It is also an accepted and common courtesy to let disabled people + people with small children sit down or jump any queue, without them having to ask. Now that I no longer need that type of support, I willingly and automatically offer it to others.

This, to me, is the norm, and not all this convoluted advice on how to ask for what should be a simple act of societal kindness, without offending anyone.

I never really cared on public transport as still felt pretty lively.

But the number of men who sat in the seats in the hospital while heavily pregnant women were stood up waiting for our ultrasound scans was unbelievable 😮. You’d think the ones in maternity department would get it….!

But it isn't here. It's unfortunate, but I don't understand how you wouldn't adjust to that for the safety of yourself and the baby by asking. It is what it is, so are you going to stew on it and be miserable or do something about your situation?

I’m gonna come off here as the comments are getting WILD. Apparently me thinking it’s the norm to offer seats to pregnant / disabled people (because that’s what I usually do) means I’m not successful at work and won’t advocate for my child 😳

I naively didn’t realise this was a controversial topic. I’m not some mad narcissist, I just thought people moved for disabled and pregnant women, and it’s only from having experienced this firsthand I realise its not. Thank you to everyone who’s shared their experiences and been kind and understanding rather than just piling on!

Im a pretty confident person and if the expectation is to advocate for myself then I can do that. But I personally don’t believe that should be how this works. I think of other people in my family who need these seats (and it’s obvious!). My 90 year old grandmother who can hardly see or walk but still likes to go out, my dad with an oxygen tank who wouldn’t have the breath to ask for a seat. It makes me sad if the attitude of society now is just ‘well screw them if they can’t ask for a seat themselves!’

As I say, ironically the transport system where I am has a huge billboard campaign encouraging people to take notice of people in need of the seats and to move. I am going to contact them and point out this approach doesn’t seem to be working and having clearer priority seats and possibly badges would be beneficial.

And I will continue to practice what I preach and offer seats myself once this pregnancy is over!

Im saddened to hear that. I'm in central/west.

I was agreeing with you too! Sorry I didn’t come across clearly, I could have phrased it better.

I didn’t say you wouldn’t advocate for your child. You are twisting what I said.

I said. Given that you don’t want to ask for a seat, and find that so difficult that you’re looking for ways to shame people into giving you a seat, you should use this as an opportunity to practice advocating for yourself and your child.

You don’t seem to have any issue sticking up for yourself on here so I’m at a bit of a loss why you struggle so much to ask for a seat when you need one.

But shouldn't we as a society aspire to be a bit more community-minded?

Well, as she’s rightly pointed out there is currently a campaign across London transport asking for people to be a bit more aware of their fellow travellers.

Did she not say she wasn’t in London because there wasn’t a bump on board badge where she is?

Use your words like an adult and ask people politely - NOT JUST OTHER WOMEN!!! - especially when they are sat in the priority seats “excuse me do you need to sit in the priority seats? I’m 9 months pregnant and struggle to stand” no need to be nasty, or rude etc

Did she? Doesn’t really matter, though - the point remains that there’s bugger all wrong with being just a touch more considerate of your fellow travellers, and no, that’s not “centring” them - but even if it is, so bloody what? Can’t take a few seconds out of your day to think about someone else? Maybe society isn’t for you, then - stay at home!

Jesus. What’s wrong with some people.

(not you, the person I was replying to.)

Why didn’t you say loudly can all the men who are sitting in the seats allocated for the pregnant women please stand up and let them sit down?!

I’m 40 weeks and been amazed at how helpful people are but I’d also definitely ask and not be shy about it. I don’t think people who haven’t carried a child realise the toll it can take.

I think those sat in priority seats (and don’t actually need them) who don’t ACTIVELY look up at new passengers at each stop should be shamed.

You’re in the hot seat. Look alive.

How do you know if they need to be in the seat or not?

We should absolutely, but I think you will know this isn't the direction the world is heading into unfortunately. OP is pregnant now. Based on how things are I'd just make the best choice for myself and my unborn baby. I find that asserting myself just makes me feel empowered and it's easier to not stew on things and resent other passengers.

I also think that people need to communicate more and better. This fosters connection and community. Mind reading/assumptions don't. Because then we judge, get passive and expect everyone but us to be different and make different decisions. I think you will find that in any good working societal structure (could be a marriage, a team at work, neighbours etc) things work best if you communicate.

I don’t think OP was in London, but regardless, people are busy dealing with their own lives, most are never going to spend their journey scanning the room for pregnant women. We are all responsible for ourselves, that’s a good thing.

Just ask. My experience is that most people are decent in situations like this and will help if they can. I believe OP should ask, I probably wouldn’t notice her,but as an able bodied adult, if she asked me, I would happily give her my seat.