Mad about DP refusing to do School Run

[LittlePeachh]

As the title says, AIBU to be mad about the fact my DP is refusing to do the school run?

Before we would take turns, but he seems to think I should do it every morning as I’m off on Mat Leave. He WFH. Usually doesn’t start until after I return back from dropping DC off.

By this point I’ve done the night feeds, got DC up, made breakfast, got DC ready whilst feeding and changing the baby AND getting myself ready. He’s happy to be awake, in bed and for me to leave the baby. But I’m shattered, even completing the most mundane household tasks takes all my effort.
baby goes back to sleep just after 8am and usually just before leaving for school run. DP dropping DC off means I could pop back to bed for a little while which would help with getting everything done before pickup.

Am I right to be mad or do I need to put on big girl pants and get on with it?

What a twat of a man

Tell him you're going back to work and all night wakings and drop offs will have to be shared 50:50

Oh no. Sounds like you almost escaped. I’m sorry.
He should be doing the school run every day. You’re not unreasonable to want that or expect that. Most men would instantly see you’re up all night, they automatically take the morning shift. I don’t even know why that would need explaining to someone.
I am not sure how you can enforce it, but it would become my life’s work to enforce it at this point. Every interaction with him would be about the school run and the Saturday lie in. I would be a dog with a bone. He wouldn’t be able to come near me without being harangued about it. He would be completely cold shouldered on every other topic and I would not be lifting a finger to do anything for him until he was reliably and fuss free doing the school run and taking both kids on Saturday mornings.
Then as soon as you can get back to work, get some money together and leave. Which I NEVER say. But this will never ever improve.

You need to nip this in the bud before your DC grow up thinking this is normal and accept poor relationships or become poor partners.

I’ve popped back and only read your posts, op, but he’s fucking horrible. You deserve so much better than this. If he doesn’t listen when you tell him, maybe it’s time to separate. I’m so sorry you have kids with such a poor excuse of a man.

OP, do you think your life would be easier if you separated?

He absolutely should do school runs. Alternate might be fair if not him doing more. Also if it's your turn do the school run that day but it's proving difficult, the baby should stay with him while you do the run with your child.

I hate this kind of entitled behaviour from men. You're not off on mat leave, you're taking care of you baby

Please tell me you have protected yourself financially.

You say DP not DH so I assume you are not married. What is your housing situation like? Do you have your own savings, pension etc?

Have you got a plan for going back to work?

The quicker you realise he’s just a cunt and there’s nothing you can do about that, the better.

put the wheels in motion for a happy life op

This is who he is. He has shown you that he can change temporarily when it suits him but he will keep reverting to type. No amount of tough conversations will change this. You can either live with it or you can't. Personally, I couldn't. You deserve better.

Don’t put up with it.

You’re capable of out and out refusing just as he is. Play chicken. And if DC get a day off then that’s on him.

You can prewarn him that you cannot continue to shoulder the entire burden of lack of sleep and expect him to do at least 50% of the school runs, if not more when you’ve been up all night. Then you say, this will start tomorrow when you will be taking DC to school for X time.

Then the following morning you stay in bed with baby and he either goes or he doesn’t. If he’s not concerned by repercussions because you’ll just do it, why can’t that work the other way too?

Sounds like a right twat, why doesnt he do the school run if WFH and can fit it in?

Havent read all the messages but does he also expect you to take the baby on the school run too?

Of course it isn’t fair, you would think they would want to now and again wouldn’t you? Most of them don’t want to and that is part of the reason you will never convince me that the majority of men are good people. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me on here, I’m certain that men are inferior in almost every way.

This is one of those times I wish we could publicly like posts. I bet the numbers for this one would be off the scale, and the OP can't see it.

@Hedgehogsaremyjam
I’ve paid into my pension since my early 20’s and I have life insurance but no savings or anything to fall back on. I have chose to return to work before my full year of maternity, I could really go back any time though.

hey, are you okay to drop DC off this morning?’

And there you have it.

Why the hell are you ASKING him to parent??

Just stop it. "You are taking DC tomorrow"

"DC, go straight into see daddy when you wake up"

On repeat.

You need to protect yourself. Your partner sounds useless and unlikely to change and could up and leave you with your children at any time.

Regardless of if/how you decide to tackle him about his laziness please protect yourself and make a backup plan

This is what he thinks:

Her job - gestate, birth, nurture, watch, lose sleep over, change, hold, feed, bath dress them and cope with everything physical and emotional postpartum / drive the children to and from school and all activities / manage appointments, crises, household shopping / clean the house, do the laundry, feed and service MEEEEEEE. Because she is STAFF. And this will of course continue when she goes back to work.

(Does he also have the impression you're currently on holiday?)

My job - get a good night sleep because I'm the busy and important one, wake up refreshed and shower, breakfast, stroll into my study, focus on my job at all costs, pop a head out to refuse and criticise. Because ... 🤷‍♂️ income.🤷‍♂️

Too many men think like this. The be all and end all of the relationship is 'but I bring home the money'.

Draw up a 24 hour chart for the last week and mark in red every single hour you spent on wifework, mumwork, housework and what you did. Everything.

Every bit of lost sleep, every juggling three things at once, and also at the end note everything you didn't have time for yourself - shower, exercise, breakfast etc because you were busy creating his life.

Then add in the hours he spent sleeping, grooming, relaxing etc as well as actively working at his job, and actively working to bring up your family.

You will be putting in more hours work. While you are on MAT LEAVE.

Time for a formal house meeting, held and delivered as if you were both at work. Leave emotions and accusations behind. Talk KPIs, goals, objectives, feedback, 'going forward'.

You mentioned your marriage was rocky - then he wanted another child. I wonder if the second baby business rather papered over cracks in the marriage that are splitting open again?

Write to him explaining how unbalanced the situation is at the moment and say you expect him to help out by doing XYZ - be very specific. Ask him to respond in writing. It’s a weird approach but I think you need to take the emotion out of it, treat it like a business plan. If he can see what a CF he’s being in black and white, maybe he’ll reconsider. And if he doesn’t respect what you’re trying to achieve, it may well be time to rethink your future together.

This man baby.
Regarding the car - invoice him for the childcare and let him settle the difference.
This relationship is clearly transactional for him.

Nope. After your update, go back to what you were doing previously and leave.

@LittlePeachh you are a single parent so you might as well start behaving that way. And start figuring out how to either walk out of the door or get him to walk out of the door. Grit your teeth and get it done.

AND STOP LISTENING TO WHAT HE SAYS. Honestly, he threw a hook and you bit it AGAIN. You know what he is like. He shouts it by his actions every, single day.

He is not a nice man.

Should it matter why someone is driving impaired if the outcome is the same? People go nuts on here at the mere mention of drink driving (with good reason), but it's fine to actually guilt trip OP to do effectively the same thing, just because you and lots of other people do it?

I don't know actually. He is working - you are at home with this kids.
I think this falls under your workload.
WFH is still working.

But if she was back at work, there would be an expectation that they shared the job of getting the kids out in the morning. If she's been up half the night with TWO non sleeping children and he is WFH, why on earth isn't he getting DC1 up every morning and getting them to school before starting work. He's had a full nights sleep FFS. That is next level selfish.

OP - he should either deal with DC1 night wakings [which will probably sort that quickly in my experience as they typically settle faster for a Dad] or the school run. You should present it as a choice.

I also think you need to start considering divorce and what he is actually adding to your life here. Does he participate in any real way in the load of two children?

My ex refused to help me with the school run too. I'd have to not work in the mornings to do it. Now he has no choice but to do them when the child is at his.