Mad about DP refusing to do School Run

[LittlePeachh]

As the title says, AIBU to be mad about the fact my DP is refusing to do the school run?

Before we would take turns, but he seems to think I should do it every morning as I’m off on Mat Leave. He WFH. Usually doesn’t start until after I return back from dropping DC off.

By this point I’ve done the night feeds, got DC up, made breakfast, got DC ready whilst feeding and changing the baby AND getting myself ready. He’s happy to be awake, in bed and for me to leave the baby. But I’m shattered, even completing the most mundane household tasks takes all my effort.
baby goes back to sleep just after 8am and usually just before leaving for school run. DP dropping DC off means I could pop back to bed for a little while which would help with getting everything done before pickup.

Am I right to be mad or do I need to put on big girl pants and get on with it?

When I first read this @LittlePeachh I thought, crikey, when dd was a tiny baby I did all that, every single day because DH left for work at 7ish, after playing with the kids for twenty minutes so I could shower and get dressed. Then it dawned, DH was up and helping and whilst I did everything, he wasn't a lazy bastard. Your DH isn't even logging on at 7.30/8am. He's loafing in bed.

Playing devils advocate, could you just explain that you are only doing half of them now and ask how he plans to get his child to school the rest of the time?

Step away from being the solution and just leave him dispassionately with the problem for him to resolve.

Mat leave isn’t a holiday. You’re caring for a newborn around the clock. Sleep deprivation alone is brutal.

You need your partner to step up.

Could you have a lie-in at the weekend while he gets up and deals with DC? Or could he get them ready for school while you stay in bed, then you do the school run? I think it would be unfair if he had to get them ready for school and do the school run and then WFH, so as you're up anyway getting them ready, he perhaps thinks you might as well do the school run. Are there other times in the day when you can pop back to bed?

I’m a SAHM and Dh does all the drop offs unless he’s away or has an early meeting. I get DC ready (packed lunches etc) while he’s showering up and then I hand them over at the door. Division of labour.

If he doesn’t want to drop off he can get them ready and to the door. No-one gets to chill in our house unless everything is done. We both pitch in.

You say DP so I assume you’re not married. Who is the higher earner? Do you own a house together?

I’d be making plans to leave as no way would I put up with this shit and I’d have no appetite for coaxing him into do his fair share.

He should do morning drop offs at the very least since he's not getting up during the night with the baby. Why was he wanting to take you with him to do drop off previously, does he not think he's capable of collecting the right kid or something? [joking] But at the same time it is a bit odd, does he generally lack confidence in looking after the kids?

I actually would do this. Don't allow him to dump all of it on you. Just because he's working doesn't mean he can opt out of parenting.

Dp works from home and he does most of the school runs just to get some fresh air! It's not healthy to go from bed to desk for 8 hours

Why would that be unfair? She is up all night with one baby?

My DH was up in the night with me doing nappy changes, rocking baby back to sleep after feed etc. Then he would get my other DC up, dressed and fed and do nursery run before logging on.

Op, think about what is in your control to change. Tell him calmly and sadly that you are very disappointed that he is fundamentally a man who is happy to let his wife struggle with the round the clock load of looking after the family you thought you had together. That you cannot change his mind, but you can judge him, and also you simply need more sleep so instead of supporting him with love every night by doing all the wakeups, from here on you will wake him for every dc wake up, so you get enough sleep to cope better with the school run. And do that. Push him awake and out of bed every time dc wakes. It will feel hard and he will be grumpy. Try to stay calm ‘I’m human and I need sleep. I’m sorry caring for your child at hours you are not at work makes you annoyed. You really aren’t the dad I hoped you would be.’

Unfair because he'd also be working all day? Yes, I know she still has the baby all day, but there will be times in the day when she can rest. DP can't.

Is this level of selfishness limited to this issue or are you expected to do all the household tasks/cooking/mental load? Financially is everything family money or are you contributing 50% of everything including during mat leave? Selfishness rarely limits itself to one area and if you aren’t married you really do need to protect yourself.

Go on strike. He has.
He’s decided that because you’re on Maternity leave he’s excused of his duties towards his firstborn. Take the same approach - meet him at his level.
Do not get your child up & ready, focus on your baby. Point out to DH that he has stopped parenting DC1 so you have too. Tell him he should call the school to explain the absence - let them know he CBA to get up & get his child ready and to school.
He can’t see your POV because you’re telling him, you need to show him.

When he starts chipping in, they can have a discussion about splitting the rest, but right now it’s completely one sided.

Shame on him. He's a selfish prick.

For context my OH has been receiving chemotherapy for 3 months and has done all but 2 nursery drop-offs in that time.

My husband does it every day when I'm on maternity leave, that's awful OP, I'm sorry.

Well ok yes, but many many working parents do this all the time. When I went back to work I had a hour commute, the second half of it with two toddlers in the car. Id have to fight to keep my eyes open but I had no choice. Even sharing the load, with two young ones, everyone is tired. I'm not saying the op is wrong ..her P should be doing a couple of SR a week but doing everything tired is totally par for the course at this stage

Absolutely not on. What an utterly selfish prick.
That's not normal or supportive.
If you've been up with the kids during the night, you should be getting lie in. He gets the older child up and ready for school, he takes them to school. You catch on sleep as much as possible.
Please show him this thread. How can he be so cruel.
Also, why did he take you with him to drop offs? Let him do it alone, no need for you to go with. Rest!!

Why isn't your DP sorting your DC during the night whilst you look after the baby?

Ask him very seriously when you get a break from your work and why he thinks it is fine not to pull his weight with his own children. Follow Nourish Her Body on Instagram and send him a few biological truths whilst you're at it.

Honestly, men like this are so self centred that I wonder how they function in the rest of society.

Tell him to get off his lazy arse and take his child to school! The idle sod should be ashamed of himself.

Unbelievably selfish.
He should be doing the school run every day if you’ve been up doing the night feeds.

If he refuses to either get up and do the morning stuff or any school runs, I'd tell him DC wake ups are his responsibility and start waking him up, every single time. Even if he won't do anything then either.

Agree. I bet there’s more sadly ..

After me getting irate about no lie in whatsoever, I’ve been getting one on a Saturday morning. However, he gets up with my older child & the baby stays with me.

I’ve tried a couple of times to pop back to bed once baby goes down late morning / early afternoon, every time I’ve tried the baby seems to be restless and I’m unable to sleep!
That’s no one’s fault of course, just life with a baby. I can’t say that would happen every day if I tried either, but it’s not feasible later every day!