Awful date. Tried to embarrass me the whole evening...

[brackenbury]

Is it really that bad out there? I went on a date last Friday and I'm still pissed about this issue - largely, because he had the nerve to follow up and try again.

We were talking prior to meeting for a fair 2-3 weeks prior to Summer commitments making an actual date in person a bit tough. He seemed perfectly normal/lovely.

I work as a Dr - and he asked me (on the date) exactly what kind of Dr I am. I told him a paediatrician (which is the truth).

He then - for the rest of the evening, proceeded to laugh at me and kept calling me a 'pedo' - due to it sounding similar to me being a paediatrician. I didn't laugh, but scoffed a bit initially. Then he kept going on and on and on - to the point where he wouldn't let up! I was mortified. It felt like he just crapped all over my work - which is tough at the best of time - but also like he was trying to take me down a peg or 10.

Needless to say, I left the date not wanting to see him again.

He then started texting me over the weekend and shortening the name to 'P' - to make it seem 'cute' and less offensive.

Honestly, I give up. I've had a few years of enormous grief and stress - and decided to try dating again, but I'm irrationally disenchanted.

He wants to go on a second date. I know I should just block and move on, but part of me wants to respond to him and let him know that he needs to grow up and stop being so juvenile. Should I not bother?

He's 43 years old, FFS!! I know this is a petty reason to post - but I'm just irritated that I wasted my time.

I disagree. It's part of the problem in our culture that we see women as owing the effort to "train" men to be/do better. This random guy is not OP's responsibility. It's not her job to get him to become a better person. Enough rejections and maybe he'll start to reflect

But he doesn't know that she found going on and on about it infantile, degrading nonsense.

I actually agree that, as awful as the date was, it is a courtesy to say it didn't work out rather than immediately ghost. To give him benefit of the doubt he was nervous and perhaps socially inept, with possibly a fragile ego in a male dominated world. It is only going to get worse if he is treated very poorly and is given no info to learn from.

'We are not a match and I think may share a different sence of humour. All best with your dating journey'

Then block.

I would have left the first time he said said it. But I’m a pissy old woman. I’ll take no stupid shit from any man ever again. Except my DH obviously because I signed up for that 30 years ago.

My lesbian friend, when she found out her date wrote a PhD, she read it as part of getting to know her. She's didn't take the piss or start any hierarchy/making her date feel small games. This type is thoughtful regard is what women with PhDs naively expect from men, not childish behaviour as described by the OP - which is the norm.

Men with PhDs are not any better. The medical doctor I was interested in behaved really badly, playing power games the minute it went from flirting at work to a date. I don't question myself anymore and withdraw immediately at the sign of an energy shift (medical doctors can be very competitive in particular).

My other friend with a PhD was in a relationship with a PhD from Harvard. Not only was he a massive manchild who sat on his arse playing computer games and complaining about the simplest of tasks. When they split up, he called her to ask for instructions on how to use the washing machine.

Straight men are generally scared that women with PhDs will make them look stupid. As they care more about their status and hierarchy and how her PhD undermines this (in their eyes). Rather than seeing it as an achievement to celebrate, and something to be proud of in their partner. I gave me lesbian friend as an example to make this point, as she behaved in a way that expressed a loving interest in her dates PhD. She found it exciting and an opportunity to get to know her date, not a threat to be minimised.

I have a PhD. Can confirm that straight men really have a problem with women with a PhD. Another sign while I'm at it, is they express no interest at all, as they're not interested in getting to know you, only 'winning' a shag.

It is bizarre behaviour and I've just given up myself. Have male friends who don't seem to mind the PhD, it's as soon as romance/dating occurs. Then the weird status shite and attempts to make your feel small/sideline your success come out.

Hope that helps!

Of course OP doesn't owe him any explanation. She's not running a dating school for tossers!

I think respond saying no thanks outline your reasons and then block. Only suggesting this as it might just get it off your chest so you can move on. But defo block

mansplain to him that the prefix “peas” means child hence the name pediatrician or child doctor, and pedophile which translates to child loving both Latin words where the term originates

then laugh at him and say no thanks

I would say to him that although he appears to have the mental age of a child himself, we are not well matched, so goodbye. And block.

There is a reason some people remain single.

He sounds thick as shit. You're far too accomplished to waste your time on someone as brain dead as this. Keep looking.

Hes feeling inferior. Most men cant handle an educated woman.
I had similar while chatting to a guy via old.

Lots of 'jokes- and 'banter' which wasnt at all. It was negging. He seemed normal until he found out I had more qualifications than him which led him to start calling me a 'bird' and hes still the boss ( wink wink).

As for your date...who laughs at that ...god even a child wouldn't find that funny. Thank yourself you found out sooner and not wasted anymore time on the sad prick

I don't know why you are feeling bad - he sounds incredibly thick and insecure into the bargain. I'd be embarrassed for him, he sounds about 12.

OP, I'm a bit concerned for you. You're clearly highly educated and have a valuable and good job. But your self-esteem seems low. You simply do NOT have to 'settle' for someone like this, or indeed any man who gets 'abusive and angry' if you aren't bowled over by their majestic personality. Just don't even go there. In your shoes I wouldn't have sat this date out - I would have walked out, after explaining that owing to his utter offensive stupidity, the two of you will never work out.

But actually your comment about not wanting to be 'too openly unimpressed' for fear of triggering angry abusive men is worrying me more. Please don't pander to dicks. Please please don't belittle yourself or keep quiet or be 'polite' to pander to men you suspect might get nasty. You can avoid this. Stay safe, I hope you meet someone you hit it off with that you can meet with on your own level. You sound lovely and you are doing a brilliant job.

What a complete arse. Tell him, he's not funny and a crap date to boot. Fun times with him, not a chance. I appreciate he might have been nervous but also tell him why, as he clearly is unable to see you didn't have a nice time. Otherwise he'll inflict his 'humour' on some other poor unsuspecting date.

That last sentence is brilliant. As well as a specialist nurse you are also very funny!

He sounds a bit thick op.

Apart from being crass/juvenile, the joking about paediatrician/paedophile is incredibly unpleasant. How does he know that the OP or anyone else he goes on a date with isn’t an SA survivor? It’s not something they would tell him before a first date.

Plus, a paediatrician will obviously come across children who are victims of SA, so will find his jokes in very bad taste.

Because your an intelligent women with a prestigious and admirable career some men will try and belittle you or embarrass you Because they are jealous & feel immasculated... they will weed themselves out & as this one clearly has ... don't give up there is an incredibly handsome, intelligent man with a good bank account without an inferiority complex waiting for you x

I'm sure brackenbury knows this (being an educated women） but for the avoidance of doubt, "paidos" (child) and "philos" (loving) are Greek, not Latin.

Was it Ronald Villiers of Widdecombe and pump.. chewing the fat viewers will get it.

I disagree.

It's EVERY person's responsibility to at least minimally speak up, to inform, to educate, to clarify.

I never said she wasn't justified in blocking him. I just think that's not a very good reaction for either of them.

The OP must be an intelligent woman, and she has let an incredibly immature adult make her feel bad about her profession. His whole behaviour is juvenile, crass and quite honestly pathetic. She needs to block and move on and not give any head space to this imbecile.

Tbh there are so many awful men (and women) in relationships too. I believe there’s always a woman who will feel desperate enough to take on a man. We see it on here all the time. Same probably goes for men too although I think women are more conditioned to accept bottom barrel behaviour.

So I don’t necessarily think someone is single because they’re awful, since it doesn’t stop anyone else from finding “a match”

I didn’t explain why I ended the date early with the guy I mentioned upthread other than to say I felt uncomfortable and his attitude came across as combative.

But I didn’t mention everything eg. the fact he seemed drunk or that he was smoking in the restaurant terrace. He could’ve checked with me if I was going to be okay with him blowing smoke around our table while I (non-smoker) ate.

I think it’s up to each person if they tell their bad date what went wrong but I certainly don’t feel Op has a responsibility or obligation to.

If she chooses to that’s fine but just be aware if he is really unhinged there may be backlash.

I had that once from a guy I’d been talking to. He claimed he’d call me on X day for a phone date (during the pandemic) and just didn’t bother although I seen he was on WhatsApp that evening.

The next day I told him it was pathetic he couldn’t even make a pre-arranged phone call after texting me every day that week, and saying how eager he was to chat. I said not to bother calling me when he finally decided he wanted to actually talk and goodbye .
I then blocked him but he sent me a very long angry text from another phone number!

But yeah honestly women aren’t obliged to try and fix strange men! Especially given when they do they are mostly met with gaslighting or hostility.