To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

You have misunderstood.

Has BF considered un-part-retiring to earn enough to cover the shortfall? I was not privately educated but can see the value, and I sympathise with your karma, but would sixth form really make so much difference?

You’d be off your rocker to do this. Are you insecure about your relationship? Do you have rescuer tendencies?

I do think she's very kind. But I also think daft to even to consider it.
The boyfriend and ex must have other options and she's in danger of becoming a cash cow.

Has he no pride?
If he wants his DC to remain at public school then he needs to work harder to fund it.

What a two fingers up to your own kids! Im not paying for you to attend a top private school but ill do it for the man of the moments kid ive never met/they wont be grateful. Give your head a wobble op

If you can very comfortably afford it, I think it would be a kind and generous thing to do. But totally depends on your means.

I really hope you didn’t do this. I can’t help but the fact that it even came into you mind was through him giving you subtle messages like: ‘oh my DC will be so upset they are moving’ or ‘oh the govt have just stretched it out of my reach and it’s just not fair’

He sees you as a bank account

Yes, I would be inclined to agree given also the length of their relationship.

Doesn't sound like she’s suggested it, her boyfriend may flat out refuse and then we’ve all been calling him a gold digger for no reason haha. I imagine the boys mum will probably have a relatively strong opinion also.

I have given away a lot of money in my lifetime. I don't know how much exactly but well over 10k. The culture that I was brought up in involves 10% charity donations and though I am not longer religious, I still aim for that.

I think it's brilliant to be generous and support those who are worse off than yourself.

I can't get my head around thinking that this is the best use of a charitable donation. I strongly suspect that the OP doesn't really want to do good with this donation - there are so many better causes than giving a privileged 16 year old in the developed world a private education for 2 years.

She is either doing this to buy love or because she has a saviour complex

Do you think he would actually tell the Mum where he got the money?

I strongly suspect he is hiding money and working part-time to reduce his income to avoid maintance and giving his wife what she is due.

I don’t know if anyone else has made this point: it depends on what percentage of OP’s money £10k represents.
I would happily give a friend or relative £200 if they were stuck and I wouldn’t want it back. £1000? It would have to be a loan. If I had £1 million in the bank I would happily pay BF’s child’s school fees.

No, it's just that it's someone who's directly in her life as opposed to a stranger.

How's the kid shes never met 'directly in her life'?

Im sure her own kids could put the £10k or £20k to good use if she has it going spare.

Charitable donations and gifting for whatever reason don’t need to be a competition. Besides your version of a good charity may be someone else’s version of wasted money. I for example can’t understand why people would chose animal charities over children charities (but it isn’t my money and good we all think differently as they are all in need).

Equally some would even argue charities take such a huge percentage of the donation that not a lot reaches the end advertised cause, and many have be proven to be corrupt.

My point is, this one child could actually go on to do amazing things with his education and pay back to society ten fold.

I think stating someone wants to do it to buy love or a saviour complex as the only two options is a bit harsh. Besides someone throwing money at big named charity and 10% of earnings as a goal, could arguably be called the same.

Unless OP details why she is considering this I guess we won’t know either way. Maybe she does have a saviour complex. 12 months and contemplating this is quite extreme, but people do value different things.

Probably not if he accepted. However nowhere has she said (unless I have missed it) he would even entertain any of this idea anyway. He may be horrified.

Just NO. Stay out of it.

Other options - he goes back to work, talking to the school about the situation - are there bursary options, being one of a number of friends and family who chips in rather than the one, supporting in other ways.

My sons were at a (not too expensive) fee paying school in London, with their education primarily in their father's language. Once they had completed the equivalent of their GCSEs, they both opted to go to state 6th form colleges. They both welcomed the idea of a less 'hot house' environment. 20-25 years later, my granddaughter moved from her state school in a small south coast city to live with her father and do her 6th form in London. 16 years old is quite a good age to step out of the familiar and a good preparation for University.

I wouldn’t pay for a boyfriend’s child. I would never accept money from my ex partners current partner for my child either.
You’ve only been together for a year.
you’d be crazy to pay.

You should watch the love con revenge on Netflix. Please don’t buy into his sob story!

Don’t pay

If BF is part retired then he has made the decision not to be able to meet his financial obligation to his 3rd child.

This is has grinded my gears in the past with helping someone out, the poor spot they found themselves in was all by choice and were looking for help to bail themselves out, without modifying their own behaviour.

it also concerns me that you have been informed of BF’s reduced financial capacity and I’m entirely unsure if you are not being played somewhat. That your strong belief in decent self funded education isn’t being taken advantage of…

by all means have a sympathetic ear but I would urge you not to financially contribute towards your BF’s 3rd child’s education.

If you are keen to assist a young person with a hand up, talk to schools such as your former one about setting up an annual fixed amount grant based on achievement or effort at prize giving.

I would ditch the BF, because the fact he even thinks it's OK for you to pay the fees would ring many alarms for me. What sort of person would even think this was OK?

@Roz185 a surprising number of people on this thread who seem to feel that because someone else has more that they should commit to terms or years of paying fees for someone else’s child even though the projection of how much we’ll all be paying in the future is eye watering! And it’s not something you can just say - oh sorry not doing that anymore after all as a child would then be affected..