To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

Its lovely of you. But dont do it or offer financial assistance for anything.
If I was the Mother I would initially feel like you were being intrusive.

I love the idea of bursary’s - but his child’s independent schooling days are paid. 6th form independent schooling is ridiculously and substantially MORE expensive so I feel he’s fishing here. There are plenty of 6th forms and colleges that free amazing and better courses. Say no!

Imagine she pays the fees then they split, then she'll feel completely used.

Its a no win situation

I think this idea is incredibly kind of you.
Personally, I wouldn't do it though. You haven't met this child and it is ultimately up to the parents to pay. They made the choice to send their children to a private school and the financial commitment that comes with that.
I know it's not the point at all but, if the roles were reversed, would he do the same for your children?
I think you are amazing to even think of this, but I would say don't do it.

I think this idea is incredibly kind of you.
Personally, I wouldn't do it though. You haven't met this child and it is ultimately up to the parents to pay. They made the choice to send their children to a private school and the financial commitment that comes with that.
I know it's not the point at all but, if the roles were reversed, would he do the same for your children?
I think you are amazing to even think of this, but I would say don't do it.

Is your boyfriend’s name Chris? Because if it is, he tried to get me to 💰 his third child’s school fees too. It was a son.

Do not do it. You’re being used.

I think if you can afford it and are happy to do it why not, helping someone else DC is a very generous thing to do.
I suppose a lot of posters are jealous that you have the means to do so. You could suggest it as a loan to your BF.

If he is prepared to let you do this, he's not worth having

No way. If you were married or this was a longer established relationship, then that’s fine but to do it at this point would be crazy. Can’t they explore scholarships or other funds.

Kinda his and their mother's issue though isn't it they must of know for years they wouldn't have the money set aside for this and you would be a mug to give him the money ! He could very easily take it then you never see him again .

I would be so upset if my parent gave money to a child they’d never met over giving it to me and siblings. Give your money to your kids!!!
you’ve only been with bf a year, you could be broken up by Christmas

Seriously?! You're seriously considering paying for a child you've never even met to stay in private school because your boyfriend is devastated?!
Your boyfriend, who, just to shout it a bit louder, has never introduced you to his 3 children despite you being together for a year, and "close".
Hmmm. This smacks of desperation and chronically low self esteem.
Your children are "fine" but I'm pretty certain they won't be if they find out you're funding a child you've never even met to keep your boyfriend happy. I'd be heartbroken actually. It's your money of course, and it's ultimately up to you what you do with it but surely it's money you could be saving to help your own children out, should they ever need it.
Sorry if this seems brutal but I don't think you've thought this through and I suspect it's more to curry favour with your boyfriend than anything else. And it looks very much as though you're placing your boyfriend's situation above your own family.

I'd definitely donate to your professional body instead. The child will be fine (and very possibly do better) at a regular Sixth Form College. And if the parents choose to bankrupt themselves, then they are idiots ... which is their problem.

Harsh but fair, that's me!

Sorry if I’ve missed it but how much would paying affect you? If you’re a multimillionaire then £10k over two years isn’t that much. Would you go without anything due to paying?

I do think people saying don’t do it, have valid points but it would be nice to help out a child who is likely settled with friends.

I would do it. If you love your partner then I think it’s a nice thing to do. BUT, a year isn’t that long and it could be a disaster if you split mid A levels and your support stops/ he has to leave. Massively disruptive to his education.

But if you can afford it then go for it.

And the next thing you know…

Op, only you can answer really.

If the total amount is less than a fifth of your savings then it won’t matter. Do it.
If it is half, a third or any high number no.

What will you do if your child needs medical treatments nhs don’t pay and you spent all your money in your boyfriend’s school… Will he then take a second job to make the short? Money has a way to destroy relationship faster that you think…

Also, I just find it hard to believe that all these sobby eyes turning to you are completely innocent. It is really for the parent to figure it out…if you have no involvement with said child, then you have none. Boyfriend shouldn’t take any money of you before any introduction and settled relationships. Way too fast. Bad timing. Call it as you want…

Boyfriend dc3 ‘school

I was going to ask the cost of the investment but I see its 10k. I think its a lovely thing to do. I am surprised at home both mum and dad suddenly cannot pay. Could terms be split 3 ways if you really want to do this or 50% you and 25% mum and dad each.
I have a friend who had been with her DP for one year when some sort of visa/sponsorship rules changed which meant he would have to leave the country. The family didn't particularly warm to this guy - just different characters, nothing inherently bad about the guy. The family ended up sponsoring him to stay so he could finish his education. They are still together - over 26 years now - married with kids. The parents received similar responses as the OP has.

You win some you lose some. I dont think you are mad to consider this. Presumably you didnt have the money at the time to put your three in private education-or the local schools were good enough.

Its a lovely thing to do

How have you helped your own DC first? Paid for weddings? House deposits?

I’ve you paid for your boyfriends kids education rather than helping your own for a house deposit, you’d be mad. Why on earth wouldn’t you set this up for your future grandchildren?

Well @WhyWhyWhyDelulu I think you sound very kind and lovely.
I think if you were to do this for BF’s son, it’s amazing for him… currently he must be feeling very resentful that the elder two had an education paid for and he won’t be! It must be feeling very unfair!
My concern would be
a) While you’re saying it’s a gift
& not a loan, Will he feel pressured to stay with you longer than he otherwise would if the relationship starts to decline?!
b) if you do split up - will you carry on paying the school fee contribution? Or walk away leaving them having to move their son mid year? ….
c) is it better he attends a non fee paying school and free up cash for both your bf & his ex… it sounds like they’re situation has changed massively and adapting is part of that. It unfortunate for their youngest BUT if a private education isn’t going to open up huge opportunities to him then it does seem like a bit of a waste of money….. if he was super intellectual and a private education was going to make him achieve big then I’d be saying go for it .. but ultimately these are all things you need to speak to your BF about…… he might absolutely hate that you’ve even considered this, or he might think it’s the nicest thing anyones ever offered to do…. I think I’d feel uneasy if a partner offered me £10k and I’d struggle to believe there were ni strings

Fifth 5th 1/5 are you mad?

Its 10k hes trying to weasle out her, someone with 50k savings cannot afford to give a Fifth of that (10k) away.
If your skint 50k might seem like a decent buffer, but really its not a huge some of money if Op was to need a new car or decide her kitchen was in need of upgrade. It could be blown in minutes

If you were to say it was a 50th so £1k from 50k then maybe but not a 5th.
But even at that i don't think people in newish none committed relationships should be giving each other money

Many moons ago I gave away about a weeks wages, it was £10 here, £20 there, before I knew it it was about a weeks wages. I only ever got half back

This
It’s unreasonable for him to work part time and borrow money from his new GF.

How much are we talking?

Shes said 10k, but the more I think about it the less believable it seems, hes either trying to con her or its a troll