To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

You say people helped your parents to pay school fees. You are just paying it forward. Presumably parents will pay as much as before (or whatever they can afford) and you will be topping up the difference. Your education probably helped you to be in a financial position to do this. See it as a charitable donation. No more than that. If your relationship continues it’s a great start to your relationship with his children.

Definitely not. Lots of kids from private schools opt to go to sixth form college. The child is not at a difficult time to change schools.
It is not your responsibility. You don't even live together.
Can't imagine why you even contemplate paying,especially as your child went to a state school.

Are you happy to make a no-strings gift? If so, then ...

First of all it is a lovely generous thing to do. You are very thoughtful to even consider this.

Don’t do it, but it’s nice you wanted to. 💝

No no no no and no

I was going to ask the cost of the investment but I see its 10k. I think its a lovely thing to do. I am surprised at home both mum and dad suddenly cannot pay. Could terms be split 3 ways if you really want to do this or 50% you and 25% mum and dad each.
I have a friend who had been with her DP for one year when some sort of visa/sponsorship rules changed which meant he would have to leave the country. The family didn't particularly warm to this guy - just different characters, nothing inherently bad about the guy. The family ended up sponsoring him to stay so he could finish his education. They are still together - over 26 years now - married with kids. The parents received similar responses as the OP has.

You win some you lose some. I dont think you are mad to consider this. Presumably you didnt have the money at the time to put your three in private education-or the local schools were good enough.

Its a lovely thing to do.

No.

Mums here are trying to protect the OP, while the OP really wants to hand over her money and be a saviour...

Definitely not. Especially given it’s sixth form

Absolutely not. Give the money to your own children. Apart from all the obvious points about it not being your responsibility, and what if you split up and don’t want to pay anymore, I think it would probably be the beginning of the end for your relationship. It might not seem a big deal, but over time he’ll come to expect it. You’ll end up being resentful if it seems he’s wasting money elsewhere. It’s just a bad idea all round.

It is not your responsibility, and he should not ask. It would be different if it was for the crucial last year of GCSE's, but it is not unusual to change schools for sixth form. My daughter moved to a state school sixth form due to our changing financial circumstances and really enjoyed herself. Our son had his whole education at a top public school, so we spend considerably more on him, but we will make to up to her in the years to come.

Deep red flags all over the place. You, OP, sound lovely, genuine and trusting but please do not do this. You haven't met the children, are there any children? How would you know? Tread carefully and if you have to do that, he's not for you

I'm honestly surprised at some of these messages. You must be considering it if you had to ask. It's not the kids fault that things are right and if you want to pay then do so. Whoever says your a fool is a bigger fool. You know yourself how important receiving help for those fees is. The DC3 is about to lose their school at a vital time. The last year will set them back a lot g way of they're expected to change the year before sixth form. Why would anyone advise you not to is beyond me. Unless there's any concerns about BF taking financial advantage of you then go for it. But on the other side I wouldn't expect anything back you may never see anything from it in the future and if the relationship later dialed you'd see nothing. But you'd at least know a child wasn't uprooted from their school at a vital time and you helped where you could.

@H0210zero if its that vital why is the Dad not working full-time, why is he semi-retired?
Op dropped that in on a later post.

But shes an absolute mug if she coughs up for a kid shes never met and for something her own kids never had.

How does she know its not a scam? Their are plenty tight fisted people out there.

Very strange idea!
This matter is between the child’s parents and the fact that your partner has shared it with you indicates to me that he’s hinting you pay for it.
Neither parent can afford it so child goes to regular state school, end of.
The fact that you’ve never even met the child but you’re thinking of paying for it is strange, you don’t even have a relationship with her!

If you want to be a mug by all means go ahead. I’d be very upset if I was one of your children. Even more so because you clearly aren’t married nor have you a blended family seeing as you’ve never even met the child in question.

Hi, I have recently supported a Ukrainian family with school fees for their child. No loan. No strings. Child doesn’t know. My children don’t know. My husband does. It’s your money.

Why? Whats wrong with the local school?

Less than a 5th

If op succeeded in saving that amount and considers giving £10K then yes…that shouldn’t be felt in her finances.

However the relationships will be changed and money has a way of breaking them so it isn’t a great idea I reckon.

You can absolutely think otherwise 👀👌

So much shock-horror on here but I think your offer is ok. However, I would make it a loan with a legal agreement and repayment plan. Up to you if you want to make it interest-free or low interest.

Hmm. My gut reaction was no... but then you mentioned that you'd had the opportunity to attend private school and others had helped your parents with fees. It would be a wonderful gift to pay it forward - would you do the same favour for a close friend's child? Take the romantic element out. It's absolutely not your responsibility, but would be a very kind, life changing gift to give if you feel appropriate to do so.

If you think giving £10 grand way out of a lifetime savings of £50 grand is ok then thats up to you. It most certainly wouldn't be me.

And put it into perspective. The school fees are £60 grand. Do you honestly think the boyfriend couldn't get a bank loan for the other £10k?
Whats his house worth, could he down size, could he release some cash from his car?

Hes semi retired, you don't semi-retire without a decent pot of savings.

I think if I had the means to do so with no impact on mine or my children’s finances then I would consider as a loan with proper paperwork through a lawyer with a repayment plan. I’d also suggest they speak to the school about a bursary first.

In your shoes, I’d worry what my own children thought and that it might come across as preferential treatment. You also need to consider that you need to be careful that this isn’t a slippery slope of more and more loans. For example, how are they planning to support at University?

Ah how lovely are you to even consider this. How about loaning them the money rather than paying it as a favour? How much is the shortfall?
you really don’t have too and I am sure everyone on here bar a few will tell you not too but I think if you can - you should pay it forward but perhaps try to get some protection for yourself. Maybe a small repayment until it’s paid in full.

Crumbs - not sure how I would feel as your children who went to state school while you funded a boyfriend’s child to go private?

He and/or ex-wife need to get a loan and sort it out. Not your circus, not your monkeys. If you have money to spare - consider using it on your kids (university fees, pay off student loans, deposit on first property etc etc).