To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

No it's not your responsibility and you have no relationship with the DC. My DS moved from private to state sixth form. His choice not mine and it wasn't a financial decision. Yes he's lost the fancy stuff (which he isn't bothered about) but academically it's not much different and the independence is good prep for uni.

I was going to say yabu but actually having read your further posts I think yes pay it. It's a lovely generous thing to do and I hope it's as graciously received as given.

It's a big gift. How would you feel if you split up with your boyfriend shortly after paying the school fees. Only do it if you would be perfectly OK with that.

You might also consider a loan, or a contribution, rather than paying the whole lot outright.

Also, it's quite normal to move schools at sixth form, including from private to state or vice versa. What do the alternatives look like? Are they really that bad? Is it really worth it?

I mean this is an incredibly nice thing to want to do. You need to think seriously though would it be a loan or gift what if you and BF split etc. It's a tough one it really depends on if you wouldn't mind paying the money regardless of potentially not seeing a return or splitting up.

This is odd to me. Why do his children never come to visit and stay with him? ( Even if he had to engineer it specifically so that you can meet them…)Why would you want to pay a large sum of money towards the education of a child you are not otherwise interested in and don’t even want to meet?

All you will achieve is deep resentment from the parents even though they won’t like to admit it.

I think DC3 should try a state 6th form. He might get on well there. He might even prefer the extra freedom, and being more self directed is excellent prep for uni. Your BF's fear of the unknown/slumming it with the masses is not a good enough reason for you to pay more for his child's education that you did for your own.

If DC3 tries state and can't cope, revisit it.

It’s your money to do what you like with but I think the offer of a loan would be more than generous, but as others have said, definitely get it legally drawn up to protect yourself. Personally I wouldn’t involve myself at all but it’s your choice.

I wouldn't loan either Ops got little chance of seeing it again.
If he wanted a Loan he'd go to the bank, remortgage his house, down size his car.

I don't know why I'm so invested in this but I cannot believe the number of people who think giving away £10 grand is nothing, just. a nice thing to do'.

If you never expect the money back then do it, otherwise it’ll cause so much stress and resentment it’s not worth it.

If your unsure what to do try think of it this way if the shoe was on the other foot what would you want your BF to do

1. offer to help you out
2. Refuse to help and say your kids your problem
3. Wait for you to ask for help

Imo the answer you choose should be the one you do for him I say this because you should never expect more of someone then your will to do for them.

I find this hard to relate to as I’d never consider this in a million years.

If you are looking to do something philanthropic with your extra cash, there’s probably better routes.

Would you be expecting it paid back? If so, make sure you get it drawn up as a proper loan agreement. For example, if your boyfriend passes away before the loan is paid and it’s just a gentleman’s agreement, you might never see the money again.

If you are literally just giving it away, are you quite sure that you don’t need it for your own children? What if they need to go back to uni in the future to re-train? Many young people will switch careers in their life due to changing job markets. Would you still be able to easily help them?

What about helping them buy a home? My parents probably assumed at the age of 39, I was totally secure having a good job, got married and bought a house. When my husband left me, I had to borrow cash off my parents to buy him out of the house.

All sorts of life circumstances could hit your children in the future than an extra £20k could be of use.

Think carefully x

Yip we have no idea how Ops own kids are set up. Houses, kids, illness, unexpected pregnancy, heaven forbid death (leaving kids that need supported).

Its nuts to give away that sort of money, unless your a multi millionaire whos raking cash in from investments all over the place.

But certainly not the average person dipping into their life savings and it will take them 2 or 3 years of putting money aside to replace it.

There’s none so blind as those that will not see…

No. Unless you want to.

Yeah I think people here do post what they think in general tbh 🥸

my bet is that it isn’t a “limited lifetime savings” kinda situation…

alright, cheers 👌

Are you sure this isn’t a scam ? You’ve not met his wife / ex wife or his children, you don’t even know if they exist !

Im guessing that your “DP “ has several women like you in the different towns that he commutes to and he’s trying to get £20k from each of them .

That’s an interesting take, and one that @WhyWhyWhyDelulu should take seriously.

Maybe a loan arrangement?

Why wouldn't he go to a bank rather than a girlfriend?
Some people even have credit cards that could pay £10k.

The reasons to borrow from a friend, you have bad credit ratings, or you are borrowing tiny sums ie £20 to Friday.

Or your a fraudster with zero intent of paying it back.

Could he get another job?

Agree with all of this. However what you’re not factoring in is what the OP wants to do. She’s talking about giving the money across. Again if she wants to, and is financially able too, up to her isn’t it.

If you nor I can fathom gifting 10k, doesn’t mean someone else can’t - with no strings.

Other people are made differently to me - I wouldn’t be doing this whatsoever. I would like to think most people would also refuse such a gift. It sounds like they’ve known each other a long period prior to their relationship.

Good Samaritans exists in many forms. The fact OP is even wondering about this suggests she may well be a very good egg.

You really need to get your head examined to even consider this?

and the BF is devastated? devastated for having a child being able to attend a maintained 6th form college too? I suggest you book a double x-ray.

I would. But I’d ask for it to be paid back.

Paying the money isn't just about paying the money though. Pp have said "it's your money, do as you please" "lovely thing to do why not ?" But it's money in the context of a relationship
The dynamic of the relationship will change.
Will BF feel beholden to you ?
Will your children resent you or think you're gullible?
How wise would you consider this is 5 years time ?