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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

598 replies

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:00

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

OP posts:
hattie43 · 10/09/2025 08:33

hennybeans · 10/09/2025 08:01

When you say Thailand and he doesn’t want you to go, I think prostitutes.

Exactly my first thought

Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/09/2025 08:33

Oh ffs not everyone is going to Thailand to be a seedy sex tourist

he probably does just love the lifestyle. We go every other year with our kids and it’s absolute bliss so can understand why he’d want to go !!

but it’s totally unreasonable that he doesn’t want you to join !! He’s not gonna change!! So id get rid

KatyaKanani · 10/09/2025 08:33

RavenPie · 10/09/2025 08:29

Maybe he’s not a sex tourist. Maybe he just loves Thailand and loves “island hopping” over and over again every year. I know people who go to Cornwall or Skegness every year and I don’t think it’s sex tourism. They wouldn’t tell their partners that they would hate Cornwall of Skegness and definelty shouldn’t come with them though. If it’s such an important part of your life you would want your partner there. If he just really likes his own company and wants 3 weeks to himself every year then fair play to him but it’s a kick in the teeth to a partner. “I really like you - but not enough to waste my annual leave on you”

To be fair, that's not exactly what Skeggy is famous for. Correct me if I'm wrong....

RenovationNightmare · 10/09/2025 08:34

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

He's going to Thailand for three weeks to island hop and doesn't want you to join him! I really think he's one of those 'two week millionaires' , in his case a 'three week millionaire'.

rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2025 08:34

Nifty50something · 10/09/2025 08:24

This has got to be a wind up, surely you can't be this naive about why he's going to Thailand?

Quite

Samesame47 · 10/09/2025 08:34

If you like stunning scenery, great food, lovely people and culture then Thailand would absolutely be your cup of tea. I couldn’t wait to take my (now) DH there not long after we had met, it was amazing showing him my favourite place on earth. The fact that she doesn’t wan th share that experience with you , and that he goes solo reads to me that he goes to Thailand to enjoy the other things it has on offer. Even aside from that the fact that he would rather spend his annual leave without you is hugely indicative of the fact that he’s just not really into you. Sorry but I would be moving on.

Starlight1984 · 10/09/2025 08:36

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Uh huh.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/09/2025 08:37

You could have still gone on holiday in September, it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have solo trips in a relationship, particularly a relatively new one.

That said, his Thailand trips are dodgy, and he’s let you down over the September holiday.

Very best case scenario is you two just aren’t compatible (he’s more independent, you’re more reliant, he likes adventurous trips, you want a relaxing week at a pool).

But it’s not the best case scenario OP. Chuck him.

HoLeeFuk · 10/09/2025 08:37

XWKD · 10/09/2025 08:23

There's more to Thailand than sex tourism. I know someone who goes to Thailand regularly by himself. He loves the region. Come to think of it, I also know a woman who is currently there by herself. She's not a sex tourist either.

He loves the region I bet he does.

Edenmum2 · 10/09/2025 08:37

Sorry OP but i don’t think you mean that much to him if he prioritises the same trip to Thailand every year (whether he’s shagging around or not) over a holiday with you. It’s utterly selfish and tells you exactly what life will be like in the future.

Whatafustercluck · 10/09/2025 08:38

XWKD · 10/09/2025 08:23

There's more to Thailand than sex tourism. I know someone who goes to Thailand regularly by himself. He loves the region. Come to think of it, I also know a woman who is currently there by herself. She's not a sex tourist either.

I don't doubt that Thailand is an amazing destination, with plenty to see and do besides having sex. I'd love to go, myself. But it's the behaviour and responses of op's partner that is suss. If he was travelling there to innocently experience the sights, sounds and tastes of Thailand, why is he doing everything possible to not take the op with him?

RogerR4bbit · 10/09/2025 08:39

Whilst it doesn’t officially matter that strangers think he’s a sex tourist, it is incredibly likely that any of OP’s friends and family with an IQ over 5 who know about his solo Thailand trips think the same.

They'll be even more convinced when they find out OP wanted to go with him to Thailand and he refused to let her join him.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t prioritise me and I certainly wouldn’t want to be pitied by friends, family and colleagues etc who assumed I was essentially a beard for a man who pays for his sexual kicks on a fancy holiday once a year.

Miserygutsandtheblastedcold · 10/09/2025 08:40

I think perhaps you writing this post is your first step in realising that this relationship isn't going to last.

LakieLady · 10/09/2025 08:41

Tell him you'll go to Thailand with him and do the island hopping.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

NewmummyJ · 10/09/2025 08:42

hennybeans · 10/09/2025 08:01

When you say Thailand and he doesn’t want you to go, I think prostitutes.

Same.

Endofyear · 10/09/2025 08:42

I don't know about all this sex tourism stuff - I'd love to go to Thailand, mainly for the food and culture and beautiful scenery!

The bottom line here is that he's not prioritising spending his free time with you - and that speaks volumes. Surely if he loves Thailand so much, it's something that he'd want to share with his partner?

If I were you, I'd be thinking this bloke is just not that into you and plan my life accordingly, without him. Find someone who wants to spend his free time with you!

Poppins21 · 10/09/2025 08:42

RoadQueen · 10/09/2025 08:01

Of course it wouldn’t be your cup of tea..

The shagging he is no doubt doing.

Leave him.

This 100%

WithIcePlease · 10/09/2025 08:43

I would put money on the other odd days of holidays mentioned not being spent with OP either

AngelinaFibres · 10/09/2025 08:43

saveforthat · 10/09/2025 08:11

Try insisting on going to Thailand, say it very much is your cup of tea and that you are going to book it. His reaction then will tell you a lot.

Get some guide books on Thailand from an Oxfam bookshop and leave them on the table . Tell him youve seen how incredibly beautiful and you'd really love to go. See what his face does.

SagittariusDwarf · 10/09/2025 08:44

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Oh dear OP

DoctorMarten · 10/09/2025 08:44

Three weeks away every year and wants no holiday with you… doesn’t really take much thinking about as to how weird this is, does it?! If you have children he will be off holidaying and you left at home with your baby etc… Sex tourist or not, this is insane.

JenXWarrior · 10/09/2025 08:45

Gnarab24 · 10/09/2025 08:03

i actually think ultimatums are ridiculous. He’s shown you his priorities, emotionally blackmailing him in the short term won’t change the fact that he doesn’t prioritise you. Just leave.

Yeah, I agree.

If you have to force a holiday via an ultimatum it's because he doesn't want to go away with you. He has other things he'd rather do with his annual leave and he's made that very clear. Chuck him back.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2025 08:45

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Then why can't you go?

DressOrSkirt · 10/09/2025 08:45

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

You're a grown up, you can decide that for yourself.

Pricelessadvice · 10/09/2025 08:46

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Bless you, OP.