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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

598 replies

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:00

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

OP posts:
Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 10/09/2025 08:23

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

I'm really sorry OP but if something looks like a duck and quacks smells like a duck it is vanishingly unlikely to be an angel.
Otherwise why isn't he able to share these experiences with you? They sound marvellous.

Nifty50something · 10/09/2025 08:24

This has got to be a wind up, surely you can't be this naive about why he's going to Thailand?

Didimum · 10/09/2025 08:24

It doesn’t matter what strangers think he’s doing in Thailand. Regardless, he is deprioritising you, after 2 years together. This shows you he doesn’t really consider you an important part of his life.

There’s your answer

ClearFruit · 10/09/2025 08:24

Sex tourist, 100%.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 10/09/2025 08:25

Who told you he stays clear of Those Areas? Him?

pasturesgreen · 10/09/2025 08:25

You know why his annual solo trip to Thailand is non negotiable, don't you OP?

If you genuinely think he goes for the scenery and food you're being very, very naive.

For starters, if it were true he'd jump at the chance of his partner of two years to join him, so he could show you around all his favourite places.

Instead, he scoffs at the mere suggestion. This really doesn't look good.

KatyaKanani · 10/09/2025 08:25

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

If that's the case, why doesn't he go with you?.

Theroadt · 10/09/2025 08:25

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

You have no idea what he gets up to in Thailand to rebut many assumptions on this thread he is there for sex. Honestly - three weeks wandering around on his own? I can’t imagine anyone enjoying that. He’s there for sex. I think you need to wake up & smell the coffee. Sorry.

Brightlittlecanary · 10/09/2025 08:25

Sorry op, but cmon no one is that naive. Of course he tells you a very sanitised version, and I’m sure he does do the things he says, but going to Thailand for 3 weeks every year and only willing to reduce it to two as he’s off with his mates, tells you everything you need to know, he’s off paying for sex, women, lady boys, whatever. Nothing else unless you’ve missed a key point which is he is Thai and has family there. Past this, he’s off paying for the type of sex he can get there and isn’t willing to give it up/

SpryUmberZebra · 10/09/2025 08:26

XWKD · 10/09/2025 08:23

There's more to Thailand than sex tourism. I know someone who goes to Thailand regularly by himself. He loves the region. Come to think of it, I also know a woman who is currently there by herself. She's not a sex tourist either.

Yes there is more to Thailand but when a man goes to Thailand annually and doesn’t want his girlfriend or partner going with him, red flags.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 08:26

XWKD · 10/09/2025 08:23

There's more to Thailand than sex tourism. I know someone who goes to Thailand regularly by himself. He loves the region. Come to think of it, I also know a woman who is currently there by herself. She's not a sex tourist either.

And how do you know that he isn't engaging in sex tourism on his regular trips?
A woman on holiday is rather different than a man making regular solo trips...

IsawwhatIsaw · 10/09/2025 08:26

He wants to go to Thailand without you for a reason. Wake up.
And beside that, you are clearly not a priority since he won’t prioritize you at all to go away.

LittleBird74 · 10/09/2025 08:27

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

No, it isn’t bonkers. Have seen it happen to people
i know on two occasions.

Taking Thailand out of the question, as others have said he’s prioritising his own holidays and holidays with mates over you, and he actively doesn’t want you to join him on his innocent trip.

HollyIvie · 10/09/2025 08:27

Sorry massive red flag. If his trip to Thailand was innocent why can't you go...

Cantbleedingcope · 10/09/2025 08:28

You’re not a priority.

3 week solo trip to Thailand - you’re kidding yourself by saying he’s not a sex tourist.

My ex DP started taking solo trips - Dubai mainly - under the claim that I couldn’t have afforded it. Despite it being that at most it would have been the additional flight and covering my own food.

Stupidly - I just went along with it for a few of his trips. He sent me a video tour of his room - complete with women’s handbag on his bed which he tried to claim was a folded tshirt. Utterly laughable. I got rid very very shortly after he returned. Vile creature in the end.

AngelinaFibres · 10/09/2025 08:28

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Then why can't you join him on his idyllic island hopping and eating trip. Surely doing that with a girlfriend would make it even more idyllic. If he loves you why is he spending 3 weeks away from you on a' holiday of a lifetime' type trip that doesn't allow him enough leave to spend anytime away with you . It makes no sense.

AmyDuPlantier · 10/09/2025 08:28

Used to work with a guy who had a three week holiday to Thailand every year, with his brother and nephew.

Apparently every morning they had breakfast at a blow job bar.

Seriously. Island hopping and nature for three weeks and he thinks it just wouldn’t be your cup of tea???

C’mon love. Apart from anything else, he would clearly rather holiday with anyone over you.

Brightlittlecanary · 10/09/2025 08:28

XWKD · 10/09/2025 08:23

There's more to Thailand than sex tourism. I know someone who goes to Thailand regularly by himself. He loves the region. Come to think of it, I also know a woman who is currently there by herself. She's not a sex tourist either.

How do you know the guy isn’t paying for it. And does he have a partner who he refuses to take with him, and spends all his holidays there unless going away with mates.

as a pp said, if this was innocent, he’d happily have the op come with him and show her round. The fact fhats not an option states clearly he’s out there doing something he can’t do with her there.

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/09/2025 08:29

It’s too expensive and time consuming for a married man. Do you take similar ££££s and time out if the relationship?

RavenPie · 10/09/2025 08:29

Maybe he’s not a sex tourist. Maybe he just loves Thailand and loves “island hopping” over and over again every year. I know people who go to Cornwall or Skegness every year and I don’t think it’s sex tourism. They wouldn’t tell their partners that they would hate Cornwall of Skegness and definelty shouldn’t come with them though. If it’s such an important part of your life you would want your partner there. If he just really likes his own company and wants 3 weeks to himself every year then fair play to him but it’s a kick in the teeth to a partner. “I really like you - but not enough to waste my annual leave on you”

minipie · 10/09/2025 08:31

Didimum · 10/09/2025 08:24

It doesn’t matter what strangers think he’s doing in Thailand. Regardless, he is deprioritising you, after 2 years together. This shows you he doesn’t really consider you an important part of his life.

There’s your answer

This

CreteBound · 10/09/2025 08:31

Oh god OP. Stop being so daft. Of course he’s indulging in Thailand! Otherwise he’d be up for you joining him. Don’t be that woman.

Inyournewdress · 10/09/2025 08:32

If his trips to Thailand were of the kind you think OP, then why wouldn’t he either let you give it a go, maybe adapting it a bit if need be, or say look, I have been lots let’s do something else for this year that we can do together. Whatever the reason he won’t budge on it, it’s not good. I think this wouldn’t be a man I could stay with but in the meantime you should definitely surprise him with the great news you have booked a ticket to go with him, and see how he reacts.

Ginmonkeyagain · 10/09/2025 08:32

Even if his vists are totally innocent, three weeks in Thailand is a big time and money commitment - a major holiday each year and for many that would be their only holiday. The fact he is not willing to comprise at all or even invite you along for part of it is very telling.

Mr Monkey is a keen marathon runner and sometimes he goes to them with his running club or alone. However we always discuss any expensive or interestingly located ones as he understands the time and mony for them will take a big chunk out of our holiday budget for that year. So we talk about how we make it a joint holiday. So when he got a place for the Boston marathon we immediately discussed saving up and making it a longer main holiday with time in NYC and other east cost locations.

Wishitsnows · 10/09/2025 08:33

If you have never been on holiday with him why does he think you don’t like travelling much once away? You are being very naive and it sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Get rid of this one. He should want to holiday with you. Plus he is more than likely a sex tourist

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