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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

598 replies

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:00

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

OP posts:
DoubtfulCat · 10/09/2025 08:16

It’s all been said, but I would be very hurt if my OP “scoffed” at the thought of me joining him on an island-hopping holiday, so unless you hate beaches, swimming, snorkelling/scuba and haven’t told us- he is basically saying that whatever he does there, he doesn’t want you to share the experience. He doesn’t even want you to try it.
So yeah, he’s either doing things he doesn’t want you to know about, or he doesn’t like you that much. Sorry.

ChristmasFluff · 10/09/2025 08:17

It doesn't even matter what he's doing in Thailand. He'd rather holiday with anyone, or alone, than with you.

This is about 2 years into your relationship, so you are never going to mean more to him than you do now, and you mean jack shit to him.

No need for an ultimatum. It's only a matter of how long you drag the relationship out, pretending that one day you will mean something to him.

saveforthat · 10/09/2025 08:17

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

Do you always let him tell you how you would feel about things?

Charlotte120221 · 10/09/2025 08:18

Really, why would island hopping and eating Thai food for 3 weeks not be someone’s cup of tea?! Surely you realise that’s nonsense?

OP - everyone knows here is supporting you- read all the messages and realise that it’s not his “lying about holiday allowance” that’s the issue here.

RogerR4bbit · 10/09/2025 08:18

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

If that’s the case, he wouldn’t have a problem with you joining him to enjoy the food and culture would he 🤷‍♀️

You’re being incredibly naive I’m afraid.

Digdongdoo · 10/09/2025 08:18

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

And that's better how? Either he's a sex tourist, or he just doesn't ever want to go on holiday with you. Not great either way.
He's either a creep, or he's selfish and doesn't like you that much. Or both.

Lalala12345 · 10/09/2025 08:18

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

This is naive at best OP. I'm sorry.

Fleetheart · 10/09/2025 08:18

he goes to Thailand every year on his own and won’t compromise and doesn’t want to holiday with you? Honestly - and I have never said this before but LTB! Nothing good will come of staying with this one.

Nothingbutstress · 10/09/2025 08:18

Dump him, he obviously doesn’t want to go on a nice holiday with his partner, he’d rather do his own thing or see his mates. There are plenty of other men who would love to do couples trips. You’ll find someone else

AchillesAndPatroclus · 10/09/2025 08:18

Are you serious? Like, really serious?

If so, bless you, but a solo Thailand trip only ever means one thing dear. Wake up.

BeltaLodaLife · 10/09/2025 08:19

OP, he is literally choosing anyone but you to spend his annual leave with… including choosing being just himself over being with you for even just a portion of his Thailand trip.

He just isn’t that bothered about you. Take the hint. Whatever else he says or does, he is showing you that he will not spare any time of his annual leave to have a break with you because his friends, his odd days off and his solo trip are more important. Even after you talked about it and planned ahead to have the time. Seriously; he just isn’t that interested in you.

Ginmonkeyagain · 10/09/2025 08:19

Annual three week solo trip to Thailand. Hmmmmm. That is a lot of money and time every year dedicated to a completely solo trip.

We both make time to have trips on our own - it is healthy for a relationship. But ours are more like this - I added two extra days on to a work trip to Germany to explore Cologne. Mr Monkey is taking a long weekend to run a half marathon in Copenhagen with his running club.

Whatafustercluck · 10/09/2025 08:21

hennybeans · 10/09/2025 08:01

When you say Thailand and he doesn’t want you to go, I think prostitutes.

This was my first thought, too. Sorry op.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Are there other things he does that make you question his commitment to you?

HoLeeFuk · 10/09/2025 08:21

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Oh sweetheart.

Onionlove81 · 10/09/2025 08:21

It never ceases to amaze me OPs like this

If he’s being sketchy with you about his holidays to avoid going on holiday with you, doesn’t it occur to you that you giving him “a big ultimatum” will probably be music to his ears

Invinoveritaz · 10/09/2025 08:21

hennybeans · 10/09/2025 08:01

When you say Thailand and he doesn’t want you to go, I think prostitutes.

My first thought too - underage ones

Theroadt · 10/09/2025 08:21

hennybeans · 10/09/2025 08:01

When you say Thailand and he doesn’t want you to go, I think prostitutes.

Yes, that was my immediate thought

SpryUmberZebra · 10/09/2025 08:22

Overtheatlantic · 10/09/2025 08:03

Annual trip to Thailand for three weeks would be all the red flag I needed.

Absolutely.

@Takethat88 research the phrase “2 week millionaire” in Thailand or Philippines. This is where people sorry men travel to either Thailand or the Philippines to have fun which means spend time drinking in bars and having sex with the bar girls who specialize in servicing foreign men.

Sorry but I agree that he needs to go, not only is he prioritizing other people over you but the annual trip to Thailand is a massive massive red flag.

CountryQueen · 10/09/2025 08:22

Bless you that you think it’s jumping to “extremes” to suggest a bloke heading off to Thailand on his own is going for sex.

Open your eyes, he’s taking you for a right mug. This can not be real, nobody is this naive

Onionlove81 · 10/09/2025 08:22

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

Oh a nice big drip

You suffer from travel sickness and you’re don’t enjoy travelling

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/09/2025 08:22

@Takethat88 are you sure he is your dh and not your soon to be exdp??? island hopping?? girl in everyport?? open your eyes woman! ps get a sexual health test!

Swiftie1878 · 10/09/2025 08:22

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

Oh dear.

Please re-read your OP.
He’s not a nice man. He’s a sex tourist.

TheBucketWomen · 10/09/2025 08:22

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Bless

SpryUmberZebra · 10/09/2025 08:23

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

I don’t buy it but it’s your call.

For some reasons he can’t enjoy the food and scenery either you right? It has to be him alone or with his friends….

XWKD · 10/09/2025 08:23

There's more to Thailand than sex tourism. I know someone who goes to Thailand regularly by himself. He loves the region. Come to think of it, I also know a woman who is currently there by herself. She's not a sex tourist either.