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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP lied about his holiday allowance and we can’t go away

598 replies

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:00

I’m feeling a bit fed up…I’ve been with DP since mid 2023.

I knew when we met that he had an annual solo trip to Thailand every winter, and was planning on it again in 2024. Fine - but using 3 weeks of his holiday allowance meant our chances to go away together were limited as he also turned a 3 day stag do in Prague into an extended week long trip.

This year, he told me he would shorten his Thailand trip to 2 weeks so we could have a week away in September. When it came to us looking to book this in July, he told me out of nowhere he had ‘forgotten’ he has a friends trip to Berlin in December as one of them is celebrating a landmark birthday! So due to other days he has booked here and there over the year, he doesn’t have a week spare for us to go away!

I even suggested joining him in Thailand as I’ve never been but he scoffed at the idea and doesn’t think it’s my cup of tea.

Am I wrong to think that if my partner can’t prioritise a holiday with me after 2 years, he needs a big ultimatum?

OP posts:
pestowithwalnuts · 10/09/2025 15:46

I think the same.
Of course he doesn't want you to go It would clip his wings.
Why do any men go to Thailand ? For the whores and prostitutes...

mummybear35 · 10/09/2025 15:48

Yeah, no thanks, I’d be moving on from this one…esp after two years, he’s prioritising everyone else but you! When someone shows you their true self, believe them the first time…move on..value yourself enough..

TicklishMintDuck · 10/09/2025 15:49

hennybeans · 10/09/2025 08:01

When you say Thailand and he doesn’t want you to go, I think prostitutes.

Yes, I immediately thought of Hugh Grant with the ladyboy in Bridget Jones.

FairyMaclary · 10/09/2025 15:59

He is a proven liar (about his holiday allowance).

So you know he is okay with lying.

He is a proven to be okay with omitting the truth if it’s in his interest (trip with friends that he errr forgot).

Is it such a step to think he lies about his prostitution usage or sex tourism in the places he visits? It’s unlikely that he would be honest AND he is clearly okay with not being totally honest.

Are there any other examples when he has lied or lied by omission to you or others? Work, friends, family? I reckon there will be.

MC846 · 10/09/2025 16:01

No matter what he tells you, he's going on sleazy sex trips whether you want to believe it or not.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 10/09/2025 16:03

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

If it was about island hopping and food and exploration, he'd vary country each year. I have to agree with the general consensus that he's sex tourist.

Regardless, he's just not that in to you, you should find someone who is.

BuildbyNumbere · 10/09/2025 16:04

Are you sure he doesn’t have a Thai wife / family?!?!

BuildbyNumbere · 10/09/2025 16:06

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

No. There is a reason he doesn’t want you to go with him … otherwise he would invite you or not go at all. Don’t be such a mug.

Arlanymor · 10/09/2025 16:07

Whether or not he's enjoy the seedier side of Thailand - who 'forgets' where/when they are going on holiday? Was the Berlin trip planned before or after he agreed to a week with you in September? If he was serious can't he buy leave from work or take an unpaid week? If I had let someone down in a similar way I would be taking advantage of work's flexi policy to accrue an extra week...

BuildbyNumbere · 10/09/2025 16:08

RubySquid · 10/09/2025 15:31

Good job I'm female then else I might get accused of just going there for sex tourism lol

Show quote history

Do you have a partner that you refuse to let go along with you then?

WhereAreWeNow · 10/09/2025 16:09

I hate to say it OP but from your original post, my first thought was sex tourist.

NotTonightDeidre · 10/09/2025 16:11

My mum & her best friend (in their 60s & 70s, both widowed) LOVED Thailand.

My mate, her husband & 3 kids LOVED Thailand.

My friends teenage son LOVED Thailand.

They're 3 very different sets of people & had very different experiences. They all had a fabulous time because Thailand has so much to offer!

If he was bothered about you, he'd want to include you & showing you what Thailand has to offer.

FioFioSILK · 10/09/2025 16:11

Chuck him back . If you stay don't have sex with him after his trip. Sex sex and more sex on his agenda and he's not giving any of it up for you. Simple decision.

HuskyNew · 10/09/2025 16:13

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:15

I know it’s AIBU I do think it’s a bit of a cliché to jump to the extremes of he’s a sex tourist or even more bonkers to say he has a secret wife and kid!!

He says that because I don’t like travelling too much once away and can struggle with travel sickness that I would struggle with the distances etc.

How does he know this if you’ve never been away together?
Sounds like an excuse

KmcK87 · 10/09/2025 16:17

Why bother with the ultimatum? He’s showing you where you are in his list of priorities. Send him back to the streets.

Solo holiday in Thailand that he won’t let you come on is dodgy as hell also.

LibbyOTV · 10/09/2025 16:23

YANBU

And I'm sorry to say that solo annual trip to Thailand is huge red flag to me too, it is known for child sex tourism especially...

Asked my DH who lived there for a year for a male perspective and he said yeh, this screams sex tourism. It might not be though of course.

ThisFluentOtter · 10/09/2025 16:28

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Oh my sweet summer child.

AlexisP90 · 10/09/2025 16:30

Overtheatlantic · 10/09/2025 08:03

Annual trip to Thailand for three weeks would be all the red flag I needed.

Yeah... same..

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 10/09/2025 16:37

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 10:02

Yes, I think this is where my mind is heading now.

To use a popular MN term - my poultry isn’t quite being lined up in formation, but it’s in the early preparation stage!

Show quote history

I think regardless of what he does out there, it sounds like you are both very different people. He's a free spirit, loves travelling, clearly hates being tied down, looks down his nose a bit at your idea of a fly and flop couples holiday. In contrast, you want marriage, moving in, commitment and an annual AI relaxation trip together. I'd personally just find someone with more in common, more aligned goals and someone who enjoys the same recreational activities - because ultimately, he hasn't really hidden or lied here, he's telling you all you need to know. He doesn't want to go on holiday with you, he doesn't want to spend that time with you, or join in with things you enjoy, and he doesn't even want to have you join in with his things. That's not love, or a life together really and given you do really want those things, it's just not a great match. Maybe you could force him this year through an ultimatum, but you'd know deep down he doesn't want you there - you deserve someone who plans trips for and around you, who loves spending their spare time with you, who can't wait to go away with you. Find that guy, don't force this guy to accept you joining him on a trip you're not even that keen on.

TheWelshposter · 10/09/2025 16:43

An annual solo trip to Thailand and boys weekends in Prague?! Surely this must be a joke, noone is that naive

Pezdeoro41 · 10/09/2025 16:44

A three week trip on his own every year might be what a free spirit who likes getting off the beaten track does. A three week trip on his own to the SAME PLACE EVERY YEAR is conversely a creature of very unusual habit. I love adventure travel, I've been to Thailand, it's great, but next was Vietnam, Malaysia, Laos, Indonesia, etc etc. It wasn't Thailand over and over again. This just doesn't make sense in any way.

GodSavetheJean · 10/09/2025 16:46

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 08:06

I don’t have concerns over why he goes to Thailand - he island hops, loves the food and exploring. He certainly isn’t the type to indulge in the seedier side of things and steers well clear of those areas.

Then why wouldnt he want you to see and experience all of that with him? This is sketch.

YourWildAmberSloth · 10/09/2025 16:54

Takethat88 · 10/09/2025 10:02

Yes, I think this is where my mind is heading now.

To use a popular MN term - my poultry isn’t quite being lined up in formation, but it’s in the early preparation stage!

Show quote history

What's to prepare OP? You don't live together and you don't share children. Easy enough to walk away if you really want to. The 'ducks in a row' refers to women who need time to prepare to leave.

JillMW · 10/09/2025 17:08

I wonder if he is your partner or someone else’s? Do you live together?

NoTouch · 10/09/2025 17:09

He is not willing compromise and does not prioritise you in his life at all.

He could do Thailand with you, but in a way you would both enjoy. He could tell his pal he doesn't have enough annual leave, but instead you are bottom of his list of priorities. It is your decision if you want to stay there.