Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

596 replies

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 18:36

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 09/09/2025 19:14

I can't bear vaping so it would be best I stayed away from any vaping GC, if any.

AhBiscuits · 09/09/2025 19:15

Your 16 year old should be more than capable of watching the others for 10 minutes.

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 19:15

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 19:12

get what ppl are saying but its not like i dump all 5 on her for hours, it was literally i needed 10 mins to run tesco n back. ended up dragging them all out in the rain, ds4 screaming cos his wellies hurt and ds5 wouldnt sit in the buggy so i had him on my hip the whole time. ds2 was messing about kicking puddles, ds3 sulking cos i said no sweets. by the time we got back the baby was soaked, i was soaked and ds1 had gone out so i couldnt even leave him here.

dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me. i just think she could of done that one little thing, but instead i feel like she doesnt even want to know my 2 littlest.

It is what it is OP. You can’t change her. She doesn’t want to help - it may be too much for her, too chaotic, too noisy, too stressful. Accept it. You’ve got no choice here.

It wasn’t a good day today, but you know you’ve made the choice to have these five boys, and unless you pay for help then yes - it is all on you. DH works and pays the bills. You have to crack on with it and resolve to be more organised in future.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/09/2025 19:15

" dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me. "

You have a DH problem, what exactly is he doing if he's not working? What time is he out of the house?
It's not your MILs job to fill in for her son.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 19:16

Greggsit · 09/09/2025 18:40

You are going to get hammered on here for daring to have 5 kids.

There’s nothing wrong with having five kids. There is something wrong with expecting other people to help you look after them.

Pregnancyquestion · 09/09/2025 19:16

What’s going on with your husband @OneGreatSheep? you’re using quotation marks when talking about his work? You don’t believe he’s working late? Is he avoiding coming home to get out of childcare?

Your MIL isn’t the problem. She’s allowed to enjoy spending time with her daughter

TomatoSandwiches · 09/09/2025 19:16

And how is your 16yr old paying for a vape?

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 09/09/2025 19:17

AhBiscuits · 09/09/2025 19:15

Your 16 year old should be more than capable of watching the others for 10 minutes.

Also old enough to go to Tesco to buy nappies that his disorganised DM forgot.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 19:17

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 19:12

get what ppl are saying but its not like i dump all 5 on her for hours, it was literally i needed 10 mins to run tesco n back. ended up dragging them all out in the rain, ds4 screaming cos his wellies hurt and ds5 wouldnt sit in the buggy so i had him on my hip the whole time. ds2 was messing about kicking puddles, ds3 sulking cos i said no sweets. by the time we got back the baby was soaked, i was soaked and ds1 had gone out so i couldnt even leave him here.

dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me. i just think she could of done that one little thing, but instead i feel like she doesnt even want to know my 2 littlest.

But she shouldn't have to do "one little thing". You chose to have five kids - that's not her problem to solve. You could have ordered nappies online instead of dragging your kids out in the rain.

Digdongdoo · 09/09/2025 19:17

I'd have thought you could manage your own nappy supply by the 5th kid. Not MILs responsibility. Would be nice if she helped out sometimes, but a last minute nappy run is not something you need someone else for.

CheeseyOnionPie · 09/09/2025 19:17

Send your 16 yo to the shop or have him watch his siblings for a short while and you just take the baby.

LocalHobo · 09/09/2025 19:18

She does and will of course favour her daughter over you. But it sounds like she disagrees with your lifestyle choice to have 5 children.
Well I disagree with the first sentence. Of course some grandparents treat their DD's and DS's children equally (although seems rare on MN but not in real life)
The second sentence has it for me. I couldn't cope with 5 DC of my own so I certainly couldn't manage 5 once I'm in my, I'm guessing, 60's.
Realistically though, your 16 year old should be perfectly able to give serious support to you. The large families I see all pull together and manage well, surely that is one of the benefits of lots of DC.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2025 19:18

Mothers are generally more close to their daughter's kids, as opposed to their son's kids.

The mother/daughter in law relationship can be contentious and I imagine she feels more comfortable with SIL, over you.

My mum always felt more comfortable in mine or my sister's homes, over my SIL.

Newsnow · 09/09/2025 19:19

Whoosh delivery?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/09/2025 19:19

Maybe she'd be more open to having one at a time op? Having all five is really too much for anyone but the parents or paid childcare imo. I remember going to my nans alone or with my closest in age sister but never all four of us.

ForFunGoose · 09/09/2025 19:20

Could you have asked her to pick up the nappy’s instead. I know you need a break but I would struggle with minding 5 now and I’m a mom of 4.

momtoboys · 09/09/2025 19:21

Tontostitis · 09/09/2025 18:39

Yabvvvvvvu I do loads of childcare for my dgc but honestly I think you made that bed you lie in it I'm in my 60s no way and my helping with five kids!!! Sorry but I'd much rather be at the other house with the two children.

Really? You wouldn't watch 5 kids for the length of time it takes to go to Tesco for nappies? I have five sons too I(although grown now) - 2 sets of twins. Thank goodness I had people in my life that didn't feel the same way you do. I would have been gone in the head.

user1471538283 · 09/09/2025 19:21

I don't agree that teenagers should have to mind smaller siblings but surely for half an hour they could have looked after the little ones and just you had the baby go?

If your MIL doesn't want to help there's nothing you can do. My DM wouldn't help with her only DGC. I always wanted my DM and my DS to have a relationship but you can't make it happen.

I think you just need to accept it. But when she needs help it's up to her DD and your DH to do it.

Pregnancyquestion · 09/09/2025 19:21

LocalHobo · 09/09/2025 19:18

She does and will of course favour her daughter over you. But it sounds like she disagrees with your lifestyle choice to have 5 children.
Well I disagree with the first sentence. Of course some grandparents treat their DD's and DS's children equally (although seems rare on MN but not in real life)
The second sentence has it for me. I couldn't cope with 5 DC of my own so I certainly couldn't manage 5 once I'm in my, I'm guessing, 60's.
Realistically though, your 16 year old should be perfectly able to give serious support to you. The large families I see all pull together and manage well, surely that is one of the benefits of lots of DC.

It’s not about treating her grandchildren equally. It’s her DIL asking for a favour, not the DGC. She might spend an equal amount of quality time with them but is spending more time with her DD, who is a SAHP with two kids so much less likely needed to care for the DGC. More likely to just go and have a nice time with her DD and her children. Whereas her DIL wants favours

Backtoschooltime · 09/09/2025 19:21

Other posters have said but why didn’t you leave the big ones at home & just take the little ones? Might not have been much easier but surely taking 3 is easier than 5?

PropertyD · 09/09/2025 19:21

Is this a wind up. Someone has five kids, a 16 year old who vapes (how is he funding this?) and the Mum doesn’t like to ask him to do too much.

They then complain about their MIL…..

GravyBoatWars · 09/09/2025 19:22

DH and I have more than 5 DC and I come from a family where you would be described as "only having 5 - not a big family" and I'm going to be honest that your house sounds utterly exhausting and unpleasant. This isn't me shaming you for having too many children, but I think it's also important to remember that your MIL is a human and one who is getting on in years at that. Spending time with her SAHM daughter and her two children is likely a very different prospect than going 'round to yours, especially as your resentment builds towards her. And frankly it sounds like you struggle to manage your DS's behavior so it's fair to expect she'll be overwhelmed.

Did you ask if she could perhaps do the tesco run for you if you send her the funds? It seems like that would be just as helpful to you while asking a lot less of her.

But at the end of the day, this is the actual problem and it's not going to be solved by being angry at your MIL:

dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me... dh never answers his phone when hes “working late” so its always on me.

Upsetbetty · 09/09/2025 19:22

This thread has got to be a bloody wind up!! if not, I feel sorry for those poor kids…

Neversaynever2893 · 09/09/2025 19:23

Don't worry OP. I have one very behaved DD and my MIL would rather look after my SILs 4 DS. We are just the incubators and this thread is very telling as to why so many of us DILS cant stand our DMILs 🤣

gmgnts · 09/09/2025 19:23

Amazon deliver nappies. Just saying.