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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

596 replies

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 18:36

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

OP posts:
smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 19:37

Praying4Peace · 09/09/2025 19:31

Hi OP, I can't believe how harsh some of these responses are.
You have every right to ask your MIL for some interim support, your children are her gc.
You are not asking for frequent support or cc, just some temporary support.
I am unsure why she feels it is OK to have such an imbalance between yours and her other gc.
And it is irrelevant and no one's business how many children you have.
Take care OP

She had the right to ask. MIL has the absolute right to refuse.

Although it’s a bit rich to say it’s no one else’s business how many children OP has - OP is making it their business when she can’t get it together, get organised and then complaining she gets no help with the five children she chose to have. She’s pushing her problem onto other people, and it’s not fair.

MrsJeanLuc · 09/09/2025 19:37

Azandme · 09/09/2025 19:13

You let your 16 yo vape in the house? You let two of them refuse to help out and glue themselves to technology? Yet you think your MIL should help you out?

I think you should sort your teens out! There's no way my teenager would get away with any of that! She'd moan, but so what?

Vaping IN the house?! Maybe your mil just doesn't agree with your parenting style.

This!

Why are you so disorganised that you run out of something as basic as nappies? "Again"??

The older 2 have to step up a bit. You should be able to leave the oldest 3 (and poss DS4) for half an hour while you nip to Tesco. If they don't cooperate turn the WiFi off and tell them they can watch TV together for half an hour.

Endofyear · 09/09/2025 19:37

I had 5 boys and DH worked away in the week. No help from MIL or my mum as they were too far away. I would have been able to leave my 16 year old in charge while I nipped to the shop, maybe taken the baby. But honestly, I had to be very organised and wouldn't have run out of nappies in the evening. You've got 5 kids and that's a lot, it's not MILs job to help you out - she probably spends time with her daughter because she wants to!

I would work on teaching your older kids to step up and be more responsible so you can leave them in charge if you have to nip out. 16 and 13 is plenty old enough. I had my first child at 18!

G5000 · 09/09/2025 19:37

your older kids should be helping. You asked your MIL to come out because your 16yo was sitting at home and could not be arsed?

tara66 · 09/09/2025 19:38

Amazon do same day and next day deliveries you know.

Upsetbetty · 09/09/2025 19:38

G5000 · 09/09/2025 19:37

your older kids should be helping. You asked your MIL to come out because your 16yo was sitting at home and could not be arsed?

It’s not her older kids job to help her manage her other kids!!
you would think after the 5th child OP would stock up on nappies and not run out like that!

cumbriaisbest · 09/09/2025 19:40

Tontostitis · 09/09/2025 18:49

There is no should in the grandparent handbook. You are lucky if they help as many, many of us do willingly and happily but it's exhausting looking after children in your 60s and 70s and 5 is asking too much.

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Correct

Whaleandsnail6 · 09/09/2025 19:40

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 19:37

She had the right to ask. MIL has the absolute right to refuse.

Although it’s a bit rich to say it’s no one else’s business how many children OP has - OP is making it their business when she can’t get it together, get organised and then complaining she gets no help with the five children she chose to have. She’s pushing her problem onto other people, and it’s not fair.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

Discombobble · 09/09/2025 19:40

Upsetbetty · 09/09/2025 19:38

It’s not her older kids job to help her manage her other kids!!
you would think after the 5th child OP would stock up on nappies and not run out like that!

Show quote history

If it’s not theirs problem why is it her MILs?

QuirkyHorse · 09/09/2025 19:41

No, I don't think your mil is obliged to help you.

If you are struggling to cope, why keep having more babies?

HuskyNew · 09/09/2025 19:41

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 18:56

i know people will prob say its my fault for having 5 but honestly i didnt plan to have such a big gap between them all and ds5 was a surprise… 😳 and ds1 is good sometimes but i dont like leaving him with the littles cos hes moody and just sits on his vape in his room, ds2 is same just glued to his xbox. dh says i “overwhelm his mum” but i only ask maybe once a month if that! she does take ds3 to football sometimes but never the baby, she always says hes too much.

i just feel like if it was sil she’d be straight round no question. i wouldnt mind as much if she was fair about it but it feels like shes made her choice and its not us.

a 16yo or a 13yo should be more than capable of nipping out to buy some nappies

you need to work as a team. This sounds like you’ve given up parenting them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2025 19:42

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 19:07

Why are so many people suggesting the older boys look after the younger ones? They’re children too - and they didn’t choose to have these young siblings, they’re not required to pick up the slack for their parents - they should be concentrating on schoolwork, not babysitting because their mum can’t get it together and has run out of nappies. It’s so unfair on them.

Yeah fine, and my dd16 would probably say the same in their shoes (she has in fact made a rule with her dad that she won’t mind his younger children until they can fully talk) but she would nip out to the shops for me just to help out if I asked her.

I don’t have any tiny ones (just dd16 and ds11) but say if I’m cooking and I suddenly realise we’ve run out of something needed (doesn’t happen alot - I’m not hopeless, just as an example situation) she won’t minding nipping to a shop.

Meadowfinch · 09/09/2025 19:42

I assume you chose to have FIVE children !

No wonder your MIL doesn't want to come around. I'd run a mile too.

Ring your dh and tell him what you need, for him to get on the way home.

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 09/09/2025 19:42

You could have left your 13yo surely? He could have watched the next youngest too.

YABVU for letting your 16yo vape, especially in the house.

Ophy83 · 09/09/2025 19:42

If it was just for ten mins surely you didn't need to take them all with you, only the two littlest?

NomoneyNoprospects · 09/09/2025 19:42

She might have been at home having had a nice glass of wine or two and couldn't drive. It is very unreasonable to expect her to walk or wait for a bus in the dark and rain.

I'd have let him go bare bottomed till DH brought nappies home tbh rather than go through all that palaver.

Your DH can't just not help out when he's had 5 kids with you. Doesn't matter how long his hours are, that's not an option. That's your main problem.

Upsetbetty · 09/09/2025 19:43

Discombobble · 09/09/2025 19:40

If it’s not theirs problem why is it her MILs?

Show quote history

It’s not her MILs either imo

user2848502016 · 09/09/2025 19:43

DS 2 didn’t really need to come though did he? And also seeing as he was moaning about sweets couldn’t you have sent him to the shop for nappies and given him a bit extra for sweets as a bribe? A 13 year old is perfectly capable of doing 10 minute trip to the shop alone.
Also I feel like there must be a back story here, your DSs sound like a handful, could MIL just not want to be left alone with them?
And why didn’t you get nappies earlier in the day when all apart from the youngest were in school?

Ponderingwindow · 09/09/2025 19:43

Curious if MIL lives with a FIL?

Julimia · 09/09/2025 19:44

Ugh! That really is a thoughtless thing to say.

SirHumphreyRocks · 09/09/2025 19:44

Did you consult her about having five children? Did she volunteer to help out if you did? No? Yabu

Flatulence · 09/09/2025 19:45

It's hard to say without knowing what she does do with your DC.

However, to put myself in her shoes, I also wouldn't want to go out in the pissing rain "just for nappies" or to mind a grumpy kid, a screaming kid, a kid having a meltdown and a Tiktok-engrossed teen because someone has (seemingly yet again) failed to get enough nappies.

You could have sent one of your teenagers out to get nappies. You could have asked the older two to mind the younger ones for 10 mins while you pop to the shops. You could even have ordered some on Deliveroo.

If your MIL doesn't see your kids and doesn't spend quality time with them then that's sad. And yes, it must be really stressful in your shoes with five kids and it'd be nice if she chose to help out a bit more. But ultimately she owes you nothing and you're being very unreasonable to expect her to help you out.

Wexone · 09/09/2025 19:46

OneGreatSheep · 09/09/2025 18:56

i know people will prob say its my fault for having 5 but honestly i didnt plan to have such a big gap between them all and ds5 was a surprise… 😳 and ds1 is good sometimes but i dont like leaving him with the littles cos hes moody and just sits on his vape in his room, ds2 is same just glued to his xbox. dh says i “overwhelm his mum” but i only ask maybe once a month if that! she does take ds3 to football sometimes but never the baby, she always says hes too much.

i just feel like if it was sil she’d be straight round no question. i wouldnt mind as much if she was fair about it but it feels like shes made her choice and its not us.

You ALLOW your child to vape at home 🤮🤢

harriethoyle · 09/09/2025 19:46

Just following for the deletion message..

CopperWhite · 09/09/2025 19:46

She helps out with her other grandchildren because she’s spending time with her own daughter at the same time. It’s part of the relationship they have as a mother and daughter. That’s not the same as babysitting last minute.

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