to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

Neither of the older 2 could watch the younger ones for 10 minutes? You are definitely unreasonable expecting anyone other than the kids dad to help out.

You are not being unreasonable. She has 2 children.
She has 7 grandchildren.
She appears to be ignoring her son's children.
Of course she can't be expected to look after 5 grandkids for long periods but to help out with the younger ones is not a big ask. Surely your son should ask her .it will be her loss. When your children are grown up she will have no sort of relationship with them and she may well regret this.
She is ignoring them..
I would be hurt and upset if I were in your position.

Again, it is not your place to decide what any woman does with her time and you are definitely NOT entitled to any free labour from any woman.

I really fancied having a big family, but as we had no help at all I realised after 2 children I wouldn't be able to manage, so we stopped at 2. You made the choice to keep going. I am sure your husband didn't suddenly switch from being super involved to "working" late every night and refusing to answer his phone between baby 1 and baby 5, so perhaps you should have planned for this sort of situation over the last 16 years.

Your demands have been met with a no, and you will simply have to accept that. You can "expect" whatever you want, but as she obviously expects to be be able to say No to demands on her own completely irreplaceable time and she can enforce that, you can realistically expect her to continue to do what she wants with her own time.

She will have her own reasons for not being interested in being your on call unpaid labour, none of which are your concerrn, or ours.

Stop blaming older women for not being available to be free labour for you. You're not entitled to it, on any level.

Sounds like a chaotic and difficult household, so you definitely need to insist your husband steps up or learn to parent your older children better.

You could also try asking your father in law, or your own parents to step in.

Oh and again the "Well if you don't consent to be unpaid labour for my kids you can die in a ditch all alone" comments are genuinely funny. Pretty sure women who say No to demands on their free labour won't care if the people making demands on them choose not to come to call.

You know, I have got a DS (he’s only 11 now but still), I would help you out if you were my DIL. I’d help you out by giving my DS a good talking to about his responsibilities to his family, to be back at a reasonable hour, to make his working hours work for his family, and to answer his fucking phone.

Id also tell him he needs to sit his own 16 yo down for a good talking to about respect and the dangers of vaping.

I wouldn’t come running at the drop of a hat for some nappies when there were two teens in the house and a husband who had mysteriously gone to grown.

Only if she’s expecting someone else to look after them. Have 20 kids, but be prepared to deal with them. Dont have kids if you expect others to share the load..other than the dad, that is

Absolutely a 16 yr old can look after siblings. And running out of nappies is bad planning. With 5 kids, you’d think you’d at least have that organised. It’s not as if they are an unexpected item

Why would you drag teens out? They should be either going for you, or minding the younger ones. You make life harder than you need to. And as for not liking to ask the 16 yr old..you are the parent. They do as they’re told or suffer consequences. Your house, your rules. It’s almost adulthood and you’re raising a nightmare. It’s ludicrous you aren’t in charge with 5 kids

Don't blame her, it sounds overwhelming and chaotic at your house, she probably feels more comfortable at her daughter's house - understandably.

It's nice when people want to help, but you can't expect them to.

I would expect the husband and the older kids to help out more than the MIL to be honest!
And, there was probably no need to bring all 5 kids to the supermarket, the older ones could have either gone on their own, or stayed at home, surely?

I doubt she cares tbh.

dh never answers his phone when hes “working late”

What does 'working late' mean?! He's not working? You don't believe him?

You've chosen to surround yourself with useless males, but are blaming your mother in law for not picking up the slack?!

Girl power.

You are being unreasonable because your husband should be doing his part! Clearly working long hours are not working for you both.

Kindly, OP, this.

She may well favour her own daughter’s situation as it’s more enjoyable, calmer, relaxed, maybe more in style with her values or whatever, it doesn’t really matter tbh, it is what it is.

Curious as to how she responds to her son asking for more help, however, it is absolutely her choice, she’s done her parenting, she just wants an easy life now.

I wonder if there is a deeper issue here, can you afford more help? 5 kids is very hard work, and both parents produced them… 🤷‍♀️

The ‘overwhelm’ his mum experiences may be a personality thing then I’m afraid op, not a ‘how often’ you lean on her.

To be honest, you probably are overwhelmed yourself, so, that can easily spill out to others.

When he’s ‘working late’, is he hiding from being a parent to 5 children? Do you think he’s having an affair?

Feels like there are some adult conversations that need to be had with DH about it the way things are run, organised at home, and some adjustments to be made. You both probably need more fun together as a family too.

Hell, maybe even a family meeting as the older kids should be able/willing to watch younger ones for 10 mins while you dash to the shop for nappies ffs.

@OneGreatSheep Kindly, OP, also this….

I am too afraid to even imagine how exhausted you must be with 5 kids…surely you both knew it would be hard with 5. What was the plan? Do you have a mum of your own or family who could help you? Your mother in law is free to make her own choices if she wishes to help or not or rather who she chooses to help. So yes you are being unreasonable to expect her to step in to look after your children. Your older ones could have popped to the shops if you live close by to one..

It's reasonable to ask why she continued with an unexpected pregnancy if she was already struggling with 4 challenging sons. It wasn't compulsory to have a fifth, it's a choice she made.

If the OP can't manage her own children, has a husband who ignores his phone and two teenage sons dossing about vaping and shouting at video games, why should she "expect" a woman a generation older than her to step in.

She "overwhelms" her MIL and is skeptical that her MIL is too tired of an evening to haul herself out in the rain to fetch nappies. I'm not surprised the MIL didn't want to bail her out when she won't even ask the males around her.

If you were getting low on nappies maybe you should have gone to the shop earlier before children were crabby!
As for MIL, maybe she could have popped to the shop for you or husband on his way home!
YAVU for being disorganised

You chose to have 5 kids. Mother in law choses not to help out. Your choices do not dictate her responsibilities. If she chooses to help her daughter out that is her choice. Deal!

Why did you need to take the 16 year old and 13 year old with you anyway.

maybe they needed to do something to help whilst you were out

Feel free point out where I’ve been misogynist.

Its misogynist to give the three functioning males in the household a free pass to behave as they wish and demand a woman with on input into the household picks up their slack.