to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

She thinks you had 5 children and it is your responsibilities… she doesn’t want to be in more and will tell you no every single time.

She isn’t right or wrong. Like you aren’t right or wrong. You just aren’t agreeing with one another.

There is no shame is asking for help. There is shame in expecting help at the drop of a hat and blaming other people for the consequences of your choices.

This wasn't a thread about how overwhelmed OP is. Is was a thread about why it is somehow her MILs fault.

There's a husband, a 16yr old & a 13yr old & a bag o nappies was needed.

There was no need to be asking anyone else.

Why couldnt the 16 year old go to the shop. I think you need to get the older ones to help more. Alao you can get nappies on JustEat app deljvered in 15 mins in my area. I even order milk or butter on it when I am busy and need something asap and dont want to nip out.

OP isn't asking for help, she's expecting help and when other options were available.

Very different things.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. There is nothing wrong with someone saying ‘no’ to that request. ‘I don’t want to’ is also a perfectly valid reason for saying no.

There’s plenty wrong with expecting help, and thinking women owe you their emotional, physical, and/or financial labor because children. They don’t.

Thank you, I'm the commenter who was called out for being 'ageist' and you've hit the nail on the head, this thread is full of awful assumptions about the OP. Some of the comments are truly dreadful and.returning their energy is exactly where I was going with my post.

The MIL was too tired, that’s why she doesn’t want to help! Even a bitter old bag (as you so kindly refer to anyone that would say no!) have the right to say she’s too tired. You’ve no idea how you will feel when you’re a MIL, so don’t talk rubbish!

Maybe she’s got PND, maybe MIL is suffering with menopause, maybe they’re both exhausted.

But ultimately MIL can be asked and can say no.

OP should stop funding 16 year old vapes, problem solved.

You were ageist…. Fact

You were ageist. "Bitter old bats". Stinks of misogyny to boot.
Women are not responsible for fixing other women's problems at the drop of a hat.

While the sixteen year old could certainly have got the nappies and should help in an age appropriate way, this woman should also not expect her older children to parent her younger ones. If these people were daft enough to have that number of kids that is on nobody but themselves. Not their parents, nor the children. On them and them alone. Honestly the audacity of the OP has me quite riled up. What a CF.

You were ageist.

5 kids is your choice not hers, and you could have sent either of the elder two (unless you are really rural or just taken the youngest and left the elder two watching their siblings, no giving options

I don't understand why you can't send one of your older two to the shop.

I think my ageist comment was pretty mild compared to some previous posters suggesting she should have aborted!!!! Do you not feel that those were disgusting and vile things to say to OP. All the bad mother comments too. I felt somebody needed to defend her

I don't ask anything of my MIL but my mum helps out whenever I ask, I just wouldn't feel comfortable asking. Have you got any family? If she's treating the grandchildren different I would step back; it doesn't matter how many kids you decide to have that's a personal choice.

You really to take a look in the mirror before calling anyone else out. Ageism and misogyny in one. Not mild in the slightest.

And being told by more than one poster that she should have aborted her child?? That's a disgraceful suggestion and also misogynistic. but you don't seem to have commented on any of those posts.

Diagreeing with a woman’s choices or way she handles things does not automatically mean misogyny.
There are two opposing women in this scenario and support for MIL doesn’t mean misogyny towards OP - that doesn’t make sense.

There is also no point in replying to OP’s posts like nodding dogs in an echo chamber. Agreeing with her could actually make things harder for OP if she then feels is justified in being angry with MIL for not helping out and takes that back into real life interactions with her.

Sometimes having others disagree with you (even if they are wrong or you don’t come round to their way of thinking) can at least help you see the other person’s perspective (in this case MIL’s).
Perhaps 5 boys is too much for her handle?
Perhaps the noise and upset of the tired younger ones is difficult for her tolerate so she distances herself from that?

Anyway, good luck OP.

You're the only one acting the hero whilst hurling insults. You're just as bad and a hypocrite to boot.

If MIL is helping her then yes. But of course not all 5 maybe take 2 of them for a bit. All 5 is too much for a retiree. I have the opposite issue my Mother is always helping SIL and barely helps me. My SIL just takes and takes works 2 days a week snd doesntndo anythint at home at all. I am the one that does all the paper work, wills, atornys, council, hospital stuff etc and I do eveeything at home and more outside the home. Makes no sense when I question it i get accused of being jealous and/or over exagerating and all the help SIL gets is minimised.

It does sound like the MIL does help out - just not to the extent OP wants - she said " dh says i “overwhelm his mum” but i only ask maybe once a month if that! she does take ds3 to football sometimes but never the baby, she always says hes too much." And also the OP says the MIL doesn't seem to want to know the 2 youngest kids which would also imply she was more involved with the first 3 and is overwhelmed with the 5 now.

Also I'd never expect any of my or DH parents to be available at the drop of a hat of an evening because they have their own stuff going on.

It's not just having 5 kids. It's having 5 kids who she can't handle. I was going to suggest that she ask the teenagers to babysit while she runs errands, then I realized I didn't want to encourage her to parentify the older kids. It sounds like the eldest is already trying to establish boundaries: she had the kids, she can look after them. Which is probably what her MIL thinks.

To be fair she’s not just a random woman, she is the mother of her grandchildren!!

hi op that’s crap is it her daughter or favourite son she’s helping? This is usually the main reason mil help out their favourite. Could your dh have a word with her and explain it is upsetting you both that she helps out sil and it’s showing favouritism to her other grandchildren over his. Sadly this is the case the fact sil is a sahm that’s irrelevant it’s the fact she won’t even help you for just a short time. Does she visit you much?