Page 19 | to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

OneGreatSheep · 2025-09-09T17:36:17+00:00

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me. mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky. tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies. aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

Sadza · 10/09/2025 07:29

I think she could give you a hand. Whether it’s her daughter or son, they’re all her grandkids. Remember it will get easier, and in the long run it’s her loss when she doesn’t have a close relationship with your boy or you.

G5000 · 10/09/2025 07:30

she is literally 10 minutes away

And there's a 16yo sitting right there. As a MIL, I would be very much not impressed if I was asked to babysit because an almost adult living in the house can't be arsed

4timesthefun · 10/09/2025 07:32

thebabayaga2025 · 10/09/2025 02:13

Nonsense. In addition, nobody is being judgmental about her having 5 they are being judgmental about her having 5 and expecting an older woman to provide free labour instead of parenting them effectively or insisting that her husband parents them and is contactable for such issues.

Everyone judges, all the time, you just judged people for judging OPs expectations.

If Ops children have a pretty bleak future that's on her and their father, nothing to do with the mil who has a perfect right to say "No" which is apparently a full sentence on mumsnet, unless you are an older woman being expected to give free labour.

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You do you, but I personally would help for the sake of the children.

lemonraspberry · 10/09/2025 07:34

I honestly don't believe it is the number of dc you have but the lifestyle you lead. Your mil finds it overwhelming, your dh is not home much and yes it does look like you have been dumped in it. your ds1 at 16 won't help but vapes in his room (seriously?), your older kids seem unable to help or contribute, and I just have this picture of a chaotic full on house.

You honestly have a dh problem here, not a mil one. He needs to step up and sort out his 'long hours'. You need to get the dc back in line so there is less chaos.

cheesycheesy · 10/09/2025 07:35

beAsensible1 · 10/09/2025 06:45

You should send your 16 and 13 year old to the shops as a standard. That should be part of their household jobs.

why would you pack up and dress 3 small children? You needs to be teaching and enforcing responsibility / helpfulness on the older one.

it’s fine not to have them babysit it no way should they not be going to the shop and helping with errands. You have more expectations from MIL in a different house than your 16 year old to pop round the corner.

it doesn’t make sense.

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Sounds more like an excuse to escape the house for a few minutes. Not that I blame her tbh. But yes the older kids or useless dh should have gone to the shop.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/09/2025 07:42

HonoriaBulstrode · 09/09/2025 18:46

ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

Why on earth did you have to drag them all out? The 16 yo and 13 yo would be fine at home, and they could have kept an eye on the 8 yo, maybe even the 4 yo, for the time it would take you to nip to Tesco for nappies.

Absolutely this.

AliceMaforethought · 10/09/2025 07:46

YABU. Why on earth did you have five kids!?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/09/2025 07:47

lemonraspberry · 10/09/2025 07:34

I honestly don't believe it is the number of dc you have but the lifestyle you lead. Your mil finds it overwhelming, your dh is not home much and yes it does look like you have been dumped in it. your ds1 at 16 won't help but vapes in his room (seriously?), your older kids seem unable to help or contribute, and I just have this picture of a chaotic full on house.

You honestly have a dh problem here, not a mil one. He needs to step up and sort out his 'long hours'. You need to get the dc back in line so there is less chaos.

Not all husbands can just reduce their working hours. Mine never could have when dds were small.

But the OP seriously needs to get her elder sons helping. Doing their share, e.g. in this case going to the shop for nappies, should be non-negotiable.

And OP doesn’t say how old MiL is, but as an older GM myself, I can’t blame her for preferring the relatively calm house!

SquaredPaper · 10/09/2025 07:50

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/09/2025 07:47

Not all husbands can just reduce their working hours. Mine never could have when dds were small.

But the OP seriously needs to get her elder sons helping. Doing their share, e.g. in this case going to the shop for nappies, should be non-negotiable.

And OP doesn’t say how old MiL is, but as an older GM myself, I can’t blame her for preferring the relatively calm house!

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Then he shouldn’t have had a child he wasn’t around to look after, should he?

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 07:51

4timesthefun · 10/09/2025 07:32

You do you, but I personally would help for the sake of the children.

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So you’d enable the 16 year old to sit vaping in his room, refusing to either go to the shop or to look after his siblings for 20 mins?

I think the best help you could give, is actually advise OP that the “children” need to be given boundaries and responsibilities.

Those children are running wild, down to the 15 month old who decides he won’t go in the buggy when it’s pouring with rain.

OP has said that MIL takes DS3 to football, but not the baby, so that’s not good enough?

I would love to hear MILs account of this.

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/09/2025 07:52

Slowdownyouredoingfine · 09/09/2025 21:40

She could have helped. Even if she finds having all the kids hard work she could have popped and got the nappies and then just hung around to say hi for half an hour. I don’t think people realise or remember how fucking lonely it is being with kids all day, even just a 20 minute grown up conversation can make such a difference. Plus the older boys don’t really need looking after, just the 4yo and baby… not so bad.

Op isn't stuck in with kids all day...her kids are mainly school age so she has one 15 month at home all day (unless she works, which she hasn't said?) so there is plenty of time through the day to go out and do things with said 15 month old to break the loneliness and have a lovely time with him.

Mil is entitled to be tired at the end of the day. She is entitled to say no to getting dressed again and going out in the rain to grab nappies, just as op didn't want to go out in the rain to grab nappies

Op made her own life harder by not asking the older kids to go to the shop or watch the 2 younger and by not insisting the 15 month old go on the buggy.

There was no reason to drag all but the 16 year old to the shop.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/09/2025 07:54

Why do some posters assume the MIL could just pop out for the nappies? Are women not allowed to have their own lives because they had children once? Maybe she'd had a couple of glasses of wine by then or was busy shagging her partner.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 07:56

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 06:56

So, why is this on MIL?

16 year old can get the nappies
13 year old can get the nappies
DH can get the nappies
Get an uber delivery

So why ask MIL? Why is she the default ahead of four other options (although the situation should never have happened)

Why is OP distressed?

Because she’s got 5 children who quite honestly sound feral, vaping in their rooms, refusing to do as told, whinging and whining. I’d guess that’s one of the reasons MIL won’t help.

Having 5 children is fine, having 5 who are dreadfully behaved not fine. I’d guess if they were better behaved MIL may be more willing to help.

So stop with the snarky “even if she can’t cope with her own grandchildren”, no she probably can’t, would you like that lot on a regular basis?

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Everyone is saying that OP's children are so awful that their grandmother can't cope with them. If that is the case, there is no reason why she couldn't just pick up a pack of nappies and drop them off if she lives 10 minutes away rather than let OP struggle in the rain with a four year old and a screaming baby.

It sounds as though OP's DH is an absent father 'working' long hours to avoid going home. I feel sorry for her. Obviously 99% of posters think that OP deserves everything she gets for the crime of having five children and struggling to cope with them.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/09/2025 07:59

SquaredPaper · 10/09/2025 07:50

Then he shouldn’t have had a child he wasn’t around to look after, should he?

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FFS…

InWalksBarberalla · 10/09/2025 08:00

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 07:56

Everyone is saying that OP's children are so awful that their grandmother can't cope with them. If that is the case, there is no reason why she couldn't just pick up a pack of nappies and drop them off if she lives 10 minutes away rather than let OP struggle in the rain with a four year old and a screaming baby.

It sounds as though OP's DH is an absent father 'working' long hours to avoid going home. I feel sorry for her. Obviously 99% of posters think that OP deserves everything she gets for the crime of having five children and struggling to cope with them.

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No reason why she couldn't just pick up a pack of nappies and drop them off if she lives 10 minutes away

You have no idea what she was doing - she may have enjoyed a brandy or two by then, or be naked in the hot tub with her partner, or anything really. there is absolutely no reason why she should have needed to head out for nappies.

VegemiteOnToast · 10/09/2025 08:01

It would nice nice if MIL helped out more but by the sounds if it she finds it too overwhelming. You have a DH problem, he needs to help out more, and you need to work with your two eldest children to be more helpful as well. Does he really need to 'work late' every night? I'd be suspicious.

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/09/2025 08:03

InWalksBarberalla · 10/09/2025 08:00

No reason why she couldn't just pick up a pack of nappies and drop them off if she lives 10 minutes away

You have no idea what she was doing - she may have enjoyed a brandy or two by then, or be naked in the hot tub with her partner, or anything really. there is absolutely no reason why she should have needed to head out for nappies.

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Exactly this!

She didn't want to and shouldn't be expected to drop everything.

Op didn't want to go to the shop in the rain

Mil didn't want to go to the shop in the rain

Why is it acceptable for op not to want to (15 month old could have been made to go in the buggy to make life a lot easier) but mil isn't allowed not to want to?

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 08:05

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 07:56

Everyone is saying that OP's children are so awful that their grandmother can't cope with them. If that is the case, there is no reason why she couldn't just pick up a pack of nappies and drop them off if she lives 10 minutes away rather than let OP struggle in the rain with a four year old and a screaming baby.

It sounds as though OP's DH is an absent father 'working' long hours to avoid going home. I feel sorry for her. Obviously 99% of posters think that OP deserves everything she gets for the crime of having five children and struggling to cope with them.

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So MIL gets soaked? That’s ok is it?

And there are a multitude of reasons why MIL couldn’t jump to the OPs wants, one being that she was tired. Another being 2 of the “children” could go, one could’ve restocked his vape whilst there!

OPs eldest should’ve been able to go, or look after his brothers fur 20 mins!

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2025 08:07

thepariscrimefiles · 10/09/2025 07:56

Everyone is saying that OP's children are so awful that their grandmother can't cope with them. If that is the case, there is no reason why she couldn't just pick up a pack of nappies and drop them off if she lives 10 minutes away rather than let OP struggle in the rain with a four year old and a screaming baby.

It sounds as though OP's DH is an absent father 'working' long hours to avoid going home. I feel sorry for her. Obviously 99% of posters think that OP deserves everything she gets for the crime of having five children and struggling to cope with them.

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MIL has her own life. Maybe she was busy? Or even if she wasn't, maybe she didn't fancy running around in the rain herself because OP forgot something as basic as nappies?

OP also could've put her foot down and made her 16 year old who was right there, not 10 minutes away go. She didn't have to struggle in the rain, she made it harder for herself.

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/09/2025 08:08

G5000 · 09/09/2025 19:37

your older kids should be helping. You asked your MIL to come out because your 16yo was sitting at home and could not be arsed?

This is a key point. My younger brother was born when I was 9. My mother expected me to undertake a growing range of chores as I got older and would most certainly have sent me to the shop for her long before I was 16.

ChristmasFluff · 10/09/2025 08:11

A 13 year old is quite capable of going to a shop for nappies, even if the 16 year old won't go.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 10/09/2025 08:13

I’m not sure who is getting the vapes for a 16 year old? Don’t you have to be 18 to vape? Also, who in financing that shit? Does the 16 year old have a job? Doesn’t sound like it.

Naunet · 10/09/2025 08:14

You seem to be a bit sexist OP, you don't expect your husband, their father to 'help', you don't expect your son to help, you don't expect your FiL to help, (yes he works, but presumably not 24/7) but you feel entitled to your MILs help? That attitude would piss me off. It is not a womans job to step in and parent because a lazy father can't be bothered to. This is HIS job first and foremost.

SquaredPaper · 10/09/2025 08:15

Naunet · 10/09/2025 08:14

You seem to be a bit sexist OP, you don't expect your husband, their father to 'help', you don't expect your son to help, you don't expect your FiL to help, (yes he works, but presumably not 24/7) but you feel entitled to your MILs help? That attitude would piss me off. It is not a womans job to step in and parent because a lazy father can't be bothered to. This is HIS job first and foremost.

Hear hear.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2025 08:18

Naunet · 10/09/2025 08:14

You seem to be a bit sexist OP, you don't expect your husband, their father to 'help', you don't expect your son to help, you don't expect your FiL to help, (yes he works, but presumably not 24/7) but you feel entitled to your MILs help? That attitude would piss me off. It is not a womans job to step in and parent because a lazy father can't be bothered to. This is HIS job first and foremost.

Exactly.

I wouldn't be helping out at all if someone felt entitled to it when other people in the house such as the husband, the 16 year old, the 13 year old etc are all perfectly capable of getting nappies.