to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate and that your children are quite difficult to parent - often happens in large families.
Im afraid you can’t blame others for not wanting to get involved in that.
Do your parents help?

Gosh that's tough. It's hard seeing someone else get lots of help when you are drowning. Unfortunately its much easier to mind two than five. Are your own parents able to help sometimes or could you pay someone to give you a break for a few hours?

Meant kindly, you have your priorities wrong on who should be stepping up to help more here.

Not entirely clear what your DH is up to when he’s “working late” and not answering his phone, but when he’s not actually working he needs to contactable, and come home and help look after all his children.

And whilst teen children shouldn’t be expected to look after younger siblings regularly, they should be responsible enough to be able to rely on on occasion. Not okay to not be able to disturb them briefly whilst they’re busy vaping and on electronics.

You need to focus on your two teenagers and especially your DH stepping up rather than your MIL. Obviously it would be nice if she helped out more, but I can see why the idea of looking after 5 boisterous children/stroppy vaping teens compared to 2 children is not so appealing. Maybe she doesn’t agree with the amount of children you’ve decided to have or with the fact the 16yo is allowed to vape in his room, and doesn’t want to say anything she may regret.

For the nappies, buy in a big enough supply that you won’t run out. I always just bought multiple big packs so I knew I’d never have the problem of running out (live in countryside so a 20min each way drive to closest supermarket).

Problem is that from reading OP’s posts it doesn’t sound as though she’s convinced that her DH is actually working the whole time. And that even when he is home, he’s no help. Obviously working full time to support 7 people is huge, stressful, and exhausting, but if he’s not actually working and the help is needed at home, it’s him and teens rather than MiL who need to step up.

OP did not say long working hours, just worked “long hours” in quotes which makes me wonder if there is a bit of a backstory here. And tbf it does sound like the OP is also working long hours right.

Agree with @WaltzingWaters - you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem. Yes, he's tired. So are you. Everyone has to step up in a big family.

Your home sounds rather chaotic perhaps it is genuinely too much for her. You’re making your life harder than it needs to be though, why take all 5 with you? Why not send the older child to get them for you? There was other easier options.

No, not everyone has to step up in a big family or at least not the grandparents. I am afraid that the children sound neither stoic nor charming. I have done my time in the childrearing trenches while working fulltime and don't anticipate spending my precious retirement years doing nappy runs for somebody who has five children.

Don’t have 5 children if you don’t want to parent them all! It’s not your mils job to look after your kids! She obviously prefers spending time with her daughter and maybe her daughters parenting style is more like hers?

the 16 year old sits at his vape in his room? Did I read that right? Start here and sort that out as a priority. Hopefully it’s not weed based

I would have ideally done more through their lives, so the 16yr old wouldn’t be sitting in their room and vaping. I have similar aged children to the OP’s oldest 4 and that is not how things look in my house. It wouldn’t be how I’d want my grandchildren growing up either, so I’d probably step in a fair bit if I could. However, these things can be intergenerational, so the MIL may not have the capacity to provide a lot of practical support either.

I don’t want to kick the OP when she is down - of course the children have so many more needs at the moment, and I’ve already identified they are on a terrible path by the sounds of things. There are about a hundred things I’d like to advise but that wasn’t the question, the question was about the mil. My answer is, if I were the MIL, I’d be providing a lot more support to try improve the potentially bleak prospects for my grandsons. You don’t actually have to agree!

I'm sorry you are struggling but I wouldn't want any part of this either. I can't actually figure out why on earth you dragged all the children out - surely the teenagers can just stay home? And the 8 year old? Then you just bring the wee ones. Or indeed send one of the older ones - my daughter has been able to pick something up for me at the corner shop for years now and we are working with my son on it now.

It sounds like all your children have behavioural issues and it's total carnage regularly - this is a parenting issue and a DH issue and a you issue, nothing to do with your mother in law. And actually an organisational issue if you run out of nappies as often as it sounds like.

I have two children who are 12 and 9 now and I can leave them home if I'm nipping to a local shop or similar. My 9 year old can be left home alone for short periods as well so I think you need to start sorting your children out before pointing the finger at your mother in law.

I had twins & never ran out! Even in the early bf days when it’s every hour !

OPs MIL obviously doesn’t want to help out with 5 boys nut i think in this situation she could have gone to Tesco or watched them for the short time involved! It’s upsetting when GPs don’t want to help but you can’t make them.

What's the deal with your husband? Sounds like he's working longer than is actually necessary to avoid coming home. There's your problem not the MIL.

Assuming you had the time and energy, when this MIL has aid already she’s too tired.

The reason this is an issue is partly because the OP is not parenting well, that’s why the situation arose. That’s not the MIL issue. I expect by number 5, MIL took the view, you’re making the situation worse, so get on with it.

Your house sounds chaotic! 16 yr old vaping in the bedroom!! Really!!
I am not surprised your MIL avoids your house, I would!
5 kids, one smoking - sorry love you're on your own

Why on earth did you need to take all the kids out for a 10 minute trip to Tesco?!?! Could you not have left the 8 year old with the 13 year old?!

I find grandparents run out of steam if there is a big age gap and they definitely don’t want to deal with babies/toddlers as they get older.

I don’t think your MIL is unreasonable in finding 5 overwhelming but equally I don’t think you are unreasonable for wanting help.

You have a 16 yr old sat in his bedroom vaping?

A 16 yr old could go to the shops.
A 16 yr old could mind the younger children for “five minutes”.
Nappies are available for next day delivery (same day in some areas), presumably you were low yesterday?
Where is DH? Can he not drop by a late opening supermarket on the way home? Its hardly like supermarkets close at 5pm these days.

It sounds like chaos and as if you but also DH need to get a grip on the household. However many hours DH works he doesn’t get to opt out of being a parent.

Sorry but this is all on you, run out of happies - come on - you have 5 children!
Never heard of uber deliveries?
You all sound noisy and chaotic - I would avoid you like the bloody plague

Yabvu. Hire a nanny if you can’t manage.

Yes, you are right in many ways. But I imagine he is also working long hours to support everyone, or build something for the future. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to still ask if she would help a bit.

OP, it doesn’t help how you feel (I would feel hurt myself) but there is an app where they deliver essential items like deliveroo. Perhaps that could be helpful sometimes.

I was also thinking where do your parents live, are they nearby, can they help? I imagine it would be far too much work and cost and difficult with schools to move everyone, but it might be better to live near them.

Apologies if I’ve missed this info in other comments. As someone whose mum doesn’t visit much or help and parents in law never visit due to mobility issues and being in another country, I understand it is very difficult. We only have one baby though, so not so much for us xxx

What you have here is a male problem. Not a MIL problem.

It's not women's job to make up and pick up for men's rubbish behaviour.

You have a DH problem.

You have a two eldest sons problem.

Stop directing your anger at her and start putting it where it belongs.

Have to agree with YABU unfortunately. I'm of the age where I'm grandma material and I'd be loathe to look after such a number of children. However, you could have asked her to get the nappies for you.

As others said why didn’t you leave older 4 with 16 in charge and take baby with you , if it was for literally nappies and be 10mins

equally with 5 kids you need to be organised so make sure you have essentials like wipes and nappies and if getting low grab some after school run with just baby

you chose to have 5 kids. Mil didn’t. She has raised her kids. Yes she helps her daughter but it’s her daughter

I would also stop the vaping in the bedroom