to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

I understand how you're feeling but my opinion is that you're directing your anger at the wrong people.
Firstly, I'd be making sure I had a fail safe contraceptive before going anywhere near my dh. If you're struggling with the needs of 5 children now, please make sure there won't be another 'surprise'.
You know you're going to need nappies and lots of them. Buy in bulk every month to last the month and more so that you're never in this situation. If you had fully run out of nappies, get them on the school run or during the day. Unfortunately it's bad planning if you have none left at all. Leave a handful in the changing bag for dire emergencies - enough to last a night and morning.
Get the kids out of their school uniform straight after school so they're not sat in uncomfortable clothes. For example, get home from school, quick drink, upstairs, get changed and uniform in the washer.
Delegate jobs to your dc. The eldest should definitely have a bit more to do at home other than watching tiktok and vaping. You need to prepare them for being able to manage without you. Give them ALL more responsibility. Eg, pick toys up, look after siblings, dishwasher loading, putting a wash on, hoovering etc. Do they get bought treats? Get an allowance/pocket money? They need to earn these.
Do not allow screaming on the xbox! Absolutely not! Deal with your children, educate and remove toys/devices if your requests aren't being listened to.

You haven't mentioned if you work. If you don't and dh is working all the hours under the sun to support his family, then yes, the lions share will fall on you as the adult at home. If you do work, you and dh should be managing your household better together.

At the end of the day, the children who live in your house are your children and the responsibility of them lies with you and your dh. It's nice if someone can help out, but unless it's a real emergency (medical for example, not a nappy emergency as this could have been foreseen with organisation), then you have to be organised and deal with your children. They are nobodys responsibility other than the two people who created them.
Sit down with your dh, sort your shit out and ensure that moving forward, your children listen and behave, you're more organised and then you'll be able to deal with situations more effectively. But blaming other people is unfair. Your children, your responsibility.

But MIL does help out sometimes. OP says about once a month, plus football. 5 kids, including a baby, is an awful lot to expect anyone older to manage.
It's really not reasonable to expect anyone else to drop everything and run to your aid for something as minor as nappies.
I get the impression the nappy run wasn't really the problem - OP really wanted an opportunity to pop to the shops sans kids. Which is understandable and I sympathise, but again, 5 is a lot of kids to expect someone older to manage.

You have five kids who are clearly a handful but they are the responsibility of you and your husband even if he is tired when he gets home from work!
Why should your MIL have to share in the responsibility for your children?
She's obviously getting older, time is precious and she should do what she wants with her time and what makes her happy. Obviously babysitting five boisterous kids is not something she wants to do which is perfectly understandable. Your kids! You and your DH's responsibility simples!

There's a lot going on here and I think you've aimed everything at your MIL.

feel like im going mad… im drowning over here. Its non stop.

You do need help. From your husband and your elder two (they didn't ask to co parent little boys at a stage where they're more interested in the world outside, but they're just as much part of the family as anyone else and benefit from mum and dad's labour).

Is there a FIL? Your own parents? Or is she the only one? That's a lot for her, with seven grandchildren. The smaller set up with two probably feels more manageable.

dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

Your “long hours” 🙄 is doing a lot of implications here.

Do you believe he's at work when he says he is?

Do you think he purposely chooses to be absent from the chaos, for the relative peace and quiet at work?

If he's knackered working long hours to support seven, is he actually ok? How old is he? How much of this can he take?

screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄) ... hes moody and just sits on his vape in his room, ds2 is same just glued to his xbox.

Can you not see how she might not feel up to this?

she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day... never the baby, she always says hes too much.

We don't know how old she is - a MIL/GM of a 16yo could be anything from 50s-80+ and she's almost certainly impacted by peri/menopause.

And putting "tired" in inverted commas suggests she's making this up. Expecting compassion while not giving any isn't fair.

And I’d add that your elder two need to be reminded that they are part of a family, with some mutual give and take.

Teen aged boys sitting in their rooms vaping! or addicted to gaming, is shocking. They should have been required to look after their younger siblings while you went to the supermarket (and buy double the nappies you think you need). You and your husband are in danger of setting up your elder sons to be selfish lazy men - the kind that too many wives complain about on here. And generally divorce because these men have not been required to think of anyone but themselves.

im one of 6 children. When I was 14 and my next sibling down was 13, we were considered old enough to look after our younger siblings for brief periods. Your eldest DS is 16. If he’s old enough to vape (why you allow that I do not know, it’s shoddy parenting) he’s old enough to keep an eye on his brothers.

Getting angry with your MiL is hugely entitled. You have a husband and older DC. But they’re MEN so obviously cannot be expected to think of anyone but themselves.

In general I don't think that kids should have to be responsible for their siblings.

In this case though I think that one of the older two should have gone to the shops.

She's going to favour her flesh and blood daughter, as opposed to the woman her son decided to marry. Just the way it is. Especially as "I've run out of nappies" is very much a problem of your own making. As opposed to something actually serious like "DS4 has cut his head open, can you come and mind the others while I take him to hospital?"
I would also suspect she finds 5 boys, of vastly differing ages, pretty overwhelming.

Absolutely no reason at all why the 18 or 13 year old couldn't have gone to get the nappies for you. I'm sure they'd have been up for a "you can keep the change" arrangement.

OP said ''long hours'' complete with rolling eyes emoji which implies that he is doing what some men do which is hide at work to avoid parenting their children rather than genuinely working long hours.

It also sounds like DH is useless when he is home because he's ''tired''. It was also his choice to have 5 children and he can't expect his mum to do the work for him.

She will prioritise her daughter over you because she’s her daughter. Why can’t your parents help out? Frankly with 5 kids your hubby needs to do more not you moaning. About his mum. Where’s your family? Can you not moan about them.

I had five kids and absolutely no help at all (particularly once their father decamped). My eldest could bit a bit of an idiot (although he's 35 now and has turned out surprisingly well), but he would have kept a general eye on his siblings if I'd needed to pop out for 20 minutes, particularly if I took the smallest with me.

I think you need to have words with both your eldest and your DH. In a big family, everyone has to pull together sometimes, and if you need them now and again to stand up and help, they should be willing.

the number of children is irrelevant, but you need to tighten up your ship and organise so you are not running your self ragged.

DH, should only be "working late" a couple of times a week, have recurring scheduled deliveries for sundries, nappies, wipes etc

DS 16 & 13 doing errands and helping make dinner 1/2 days a week.

DS16 getting some sort of treat / extend curfew when he minds the baby 2 for 30 mins an hour so you can get a break.

He shouldn't be vaping, but if you are going to let him vape IN THE HOUSE you need to be getting him to do something for you.

You cannot do it all, so stop trying. The benefit of a big family is all the extra hands. Why aren't you using them?

Why didn't you send one of the teenagers to the shops?

Or possibly, the prospect of five chaotic DC including vaping and grouchy 16 year old, shouting 13 year old others screaming or having meltdowns makes her shudder by comparison with helping out with 2DC.

OP and DH need to reduce the chaos in the household including the old DC contributing to the home rather than making it a less pleasant place to be.

Why couldnt the 16 year old go to the shops with money and a list?

The MN creative writing course strikes again!

Many netters on here are a bunch of mean girls with zero sense of community values who relish in other women struggling from their “mistakes” because it makes them feel better about their own lives.

Or more likely many of us having BDDT, GTTS object to one adult and two approaching adult men getting a free pass to blame the woman who has no input into the organisation of the house or the raising of the children.

Its just old fashioned sexism.

Spirited or not I’m sure 15 mins cover while she popped to the shops would be ok. All kids can be difficult at times and I don’t think the OP is asking for a weekend away cover, just some interest from her MIL towards her other grandchildren.

There is a 16 year old and 13 year old in the house. It not even efficient for MIL to come round. they could've gone and got back before she even got to the house.

If i was MIL i'd be calling my DG16 and asking why he isn't going to the shop to help his mum so she has to call me.

The person who needs to help out more is your DH.

It is not fair to expect your MIL or even your older sons to help out. They didn't have a voice in your having 5 children, and these are not their children.

It is understandable that your MIL is closer to her daughter, and it is probably easier to help her given that your SIL doesn't have as many kids. And it sounds like your MIL does help you, you just wish she could help more.

It must be nice for your husband to get to "work late" and ignore your calls or texts or just think he doesn't have to answer them. You don't have that luxury and his lack of willingness to help shouldn't be a burden placed on a teenage boy or an older woman.

Within reason, though, I do think you can ask the 16yo to help by maybe running an errand here or there.

This thread is so toxic, I'm stunned at 99% of the women here. how can you all be so judgemental and downright nasty to a clearly struggling and exhausted mother?! Some actually suggesting abortion should have been considered rather than 5 children?! You should all be ashamed of yourselves. OP needs support and clearly has none. None of you could raise 5 boys with no help and keep it all under control all the time even though you think you're all perfect. Newsflash, sometimes things get forgotten in a busy household, it doesn't mean OP is a mess. Also, shocker, teenagers are moody and play too many video games!! It's not a reflection on her parenting for Christ sake. We all need help and especially with so many children, things can be calm one minute and complete chaos the next, or are you all too old to remember this?! OP I've got 3 boys and it's hard hard work, teenager and twin toddlers here!! Ive run out of essentials too (because we're trying to do 10 things at once!) but thank God have a reliable husband for the odd last minute dash to the shops. If I didn't have his support I'd be in the same boat as you. I think your MIL should have helped. And I hope when we're as old as these bitter old bats and MILs ourselves we won't try to shame younger women for being human and asking for help. So much for 'it takes a village'! Solidarity OP.

There's a difference between asking for help and expecting help. Asking for help is absolutely fine, expecting it isn't.

I don't agree with ''it takes a village'' as it often means men sitting on their arses doing nothing whilst women do all of the work. No thanks.

FYI, not everyone on this thread are ''old bats'' as you so eloquently put it despite your complaints about judgement and nastiness.

If you are incapable of looking after your own children it’s no one’s fault but yours, don’t blame her for saying no.

None of you could raise 5 boys with no help and keep it all under control all the time even though you think you're all perfect

Well no I absolutely could not raise 5 children with no help. This is why I don’t have 5 children. Sorry but at some point we all need to take responsibility for the situations in which we find ourselves.

Take your ageism and stuff it up your Jumper.

If the op can’t cope it’s up to her and her husband to develop better strategies. Not to ”expect” her MIL (no mention of FIL) to step in.

Why couldn’t the 16 year old go for nappies instead of sitting vaping? Why couldn’t she have whooshed delivery? Or some other form of delivery? Or have some reusable nappies stuck by for emergencies?

Why is it EXPECTED that her MIL steps in?