to expect mil to help out sometimes with the kids??

[OneGreatSheep]

so bit of a rant but feel like im going mad… ive got 5 boys (16, 13, 8, 4 and baby whos 15 months) and honestly its non stop. dh works “long hours” 🙄 and when he is home hes knackered so its all on me.

mil lives literally 10 mins away and is always round at sil’s (she only has 2 kids and shes a sahm!) helping with school runs, babysitting, even does her ironing!! yet when i ask for the odd favour its like im being cheeky.

tonight i just wanted to nip tesco cos weve ran out of nappies AGAIN and ds5 was screaming, ds4 having a meltdown cos his uniform itched and ds3 shouting on xbox, and ds1 refusing to come with me cos hes “busy revising” (aka on tiktok 🙄). i texted mil and she said she couldnt cos she was “tired” after helping sil all day. ended up dragging them all out in the rain just for nappies.

aibu to think she should help me out once in a while?? its not like i ask every day, but feels like she favours sil and her kids and im drowning over here.

Bitter old bats?? My kids are younger than OP's and yours. You're right, there are some nasty comments on here (and that's not ok) but it's far from 99%. And I'm not sure yours is toxicity-free either.

The majority simply don't agree with OP and this is AIBU so she is asking for an opinion, not support. I sympathize with how overwhelmed she is clearly feeling (I'm a single working mum and sole provider so believe me I get it). But as I said in my comment I wouldn't think it was fair to ask my own mum to do this. They're not just there to run errands, especially when she has several other options.

I actually think it's far more reasonable to ask for grandparents' help for an activity, or for you to go away for a night or similar or even just get some sleep. Expecting them to drop everything and come out on a rainy night after a long day for an errand you could easily manage in other ways with a smartphone or the help of the people in your house, is much less so IMO.

She asked for help, got told no and the title of the thread includes the word 'expect'.

You don't know if this is a regular thing. Maybe grandma is fed up of coming to watch the kids due to disorganisation. Maybe she wants to say no so that the parents of the children actually sort their lives out.

As for you saying that no one could cope with bringing up five children, you're probably right. That's why we don't have five children.

And of course dh is going to have to work hard and a lot of hours. There are 7 people to provide for!

I think you're making a lot of assumptions about parenting ability here! Of course nobody wants their 16 year old vaping, I didn't mention the vaping. By her tone it doesn't sound like OP is happy about it. Parenting 5 boys of different ages must be exhausting. And yes I think the older boys should help her, but that wasn't what the post was asking. I just know that I would absolutely want to help her in that situation and also don't understand why she's getting flamed for having 5 children. Life happens to all of us and it sounds like she's doing her best. With a 15 month old she could possibly be suffering with PND, in survival mode each day and all these comments shaming her for forgotten nappies could really do a number on her. Does nobody else think the earlier posts suggesting abortion rather than having 5 children were shocking and completely uncalled for?? Because I certainly did and it made me angry/sad on her behalf.

Nice try and I can see why you changed name for this post.

Perhaps instead of slinging lazy ageist slurs you can explain why its OK for the male 16 year old (soon to be voting) to vape in his room rather than watch his siblings for 5 minutes or pick up nappies from the nearest shop?

Why its OK for the male 13 year old to shout at his Xbox rather than watch the younger children or go to the nearest nappy shop?

Why its OK for the male parent to just opt out of everything and not even stop by a shop on the way home (24 hr shops before you bleat about “long hours”)?
Why its ok for the OP to expect a woman who has no input to the day to day child/house management to drop everything to fill the gap when at least three of the males inside the household can do the job and then complain here when the one woman in the vicinity isn’t available.

Are all the men in this family so weighed down by the strain of testicles that they are useless or lazy?

I didn't raise 5DC but I raised 4DC and we had no local family available to drop everything to fix our failures. When one of us dropped the ball the first port of call would be the other spouse to pick up whatever had been forgotten. By 13 any of our DC could have gone to the shops for us in this situation, three could have watched younger siblings (the other would have been fine a year later). We also had backup plans and help in place for when balls dropped or the unexpected happened. Sometimes things still went tits up - we dealt with it.

What we didn’t do was sit and complain that the nearest available woman wasn’t dropping everything to fix our problems for us when several males.

Honestly this is the attitude that results in those “mothers of sons” posts whining that their DiL isn’t wiping Tarquin’s bum for him. Boys and men are entirely capable of these low level tasks but if you raise them to think its women’s work the same cycle continues.

Choosing to have 5 kids is brave.

MIL is sadly not required to do anything she doesn't want to.

Surely the 16 yo can mind the others when you need to pop out?

Aren’t her grandchildren all her flesh and blood’?

In my culture the mil favours the sons children and sees those as their legacy/flesh and blood. So they'll do anything to watch their sons and dils kids and want to do it for their DD but obv works the same there. The mils daughters kids get watched by their paternal grandparents usually. Very interesting to see the difference.

Agreed. I can see why she doesn’t help out. I have an older child and it’s important for them to take some responsibility.

Can your own family help? I would imagine 5 kids is a bit overwhelming for you so no doubt they'll be the same for anyone else.

She should but she won’t. Some MILs will always favour their daughter over their in law I’m afraid. It’s wrong and the children are treated differently but that’s how some are. Speaking from experience.

I wish there was a thumbs down or angry face emoji on here to react to some of these responses!! Someone telling you you're being very,very,very, unreasonable and she wouldn't help you out if you were her dil. Also, someone calling you a "random" girl her son married. FFS I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - it's HER grandchildren and you don't ask often you said. Unfortunately I have been through similar and now its all a little but "too little too late" as my children have no time for their Grandma. I figured she only came round to the idea of wanting to spend time with them when they were old enough to look after themselves. She's always treated them differently to sil's children. My own mum on the other hand treated every single one of me and my brothers children the same and would look after any of them anytime. I'm only sorry she isn't with us any more but my children speak of her with great affection, and I take a lot from that.

This!!!

They are DH's actual children.
They are also FIL's grandchildren.

Why should MIL do it over them?

Thank goodness we older women go on like duracell bunnies, never succumbing to age, health problems, ready to jump in like Supergran whenever their wilting offspring demand!
Two kids fine - a bloody great tribe of (apparently) disobedient kids - not so much. Couldn't you have got the nappies delivered? Whoosh or something? My mother would have sent one of out to get them - oh wait! No she wouldn't because she used washable nappies. You can't rely on other people to plan your life for you.

Yes but the children are her grandchildren?!

I can see why MIL doesn't want to help, and I get why its frustrating, but it seems you just can't rely on her at all and that's sad.
However the older kids should be able to look after the younger ones for 20 minutes while you pop out for supplies and otherwise your DH will need to step up. Do you work too?

This is one of the worst threads I’ve read on here for a long time . Classic MN . Shame as whenever I’ve asked a question I e actually had really constructive and lovely answers.

OP I think expected is the wrong word. But I’m surprised she doesn’t want to help out with her grandchildren, it’s sad and she doesn’t have to look after all five of the kids, but could offer to help out occasionally like neighbours do or friends! I don’t see why it’s different from a grandparent . Even if she can’t come round she could send shopping , do online things with any of them , send things for them to do. Plenty of ways to get involved as a grandparent
Im sorry you’re being dragged for having five children and the absolutely disgraceful comments about you being a bad mum. No sane person calls a stranger on the internet names, ignore them .
I would ask DH for more help and maybe advice about asking for some help from the family . I do agree that the 16 year old could help out with some things though.

Get the nappies on a regular order- delivered.
You can't force someone to help you out, it's entirely your MIL's decision who she chooses to help, you are not entitled to help.
Being super busy when you have chosen to have 5 children is no real surprise-surely.

OP I think expected is the wrong word. But I’m surprised she doesn’t want to help out with her grandchildren,

There were, or should have been other options though.

That made me sad, too. My SIL is part of our family; I (nor my mother!) would ever just consider her a random woman. Same with my MIL. She was recently quite ill and I took leave from work to take care of her, without question. She's my husband's mother but she's also a wonderful person outside of that and I value my relationship with her.

That being said, I understand how quickly grandparents can feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I see my mother after spending time with my nephew and my MIL after taking care of my niece (just one child each) and they are each completely spent. The idea of an expectation could become grating, I'm sure.

She could offer to help out, yes. But you haven’t considered why she might not want to.

She’s older, and may not have the energy reserves needed to deal with looking after younger children. She may still be working. She may have a busy social life of her own, or classes to attend, or any number of other chores and errands and household jobs of her own to attend to. She may not have the money to spend on sending OP shopping or items for the grandchildren. You seem to make free and easy with her resources of time and money.

And if none of the above applied - she’s still under no obligation to help. It doesn’t make her a bad person. She’s allowed to not want to. That’s a choice she can make. She can decide for herself how to spend her energy and time.

The only reason I can see for OP being ‘dragged’ for having five children is that when someone decides to have a large family, they have the number of children they can cope with. It’s not on to have a large number of children and then complain that the help you expect and want from others isn’t forthcoming. No one else made the decision to have the children, the parents did. It’s up to them to sort it out if they’re having problems, no one else.

I get where you are coming from. I have also got 5 kids and my husband works full time including Saturdays. I work 4 days a week and I’m constantly running at 100 miles an hour and most nights I’m up til late doing housework, ironing and washing. I find I have to be regimented in a routine or everything will collapse around me.
I order my food shopping online and when I run out of everyday items and can’t nip to the shops I do a Tesco whoosh order. They are literally life savers in emergencies.

Some of you have been quick to call out the ageism in that response and say OP’s complaint is sexist as though most respondents’ rude comments and attitude towards OP’s position as a mum of five aren’t riddled with misogyny. You’ll feel justified in being mean to others but when someone returns that energy you want the higher moral ground.

Finally someone with a bit of empathy! I agree, this thread has nearly turned me off Mumsnet, I made a post a while back defending OP and wasn't popular for it. I can't believe how much hate a clearly struggling and overwhelmed woman is receiving. These days we're repeatedly told there's no shame in asking for help but to read through these posts would lead you to believe the opposite is true sadly