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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find this little grave location so sad [TRIGGER WARNING]

197 replies

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:04

Our small local churchyard has been cleared by volunteers byself included and old graves of babies and very young children adopted, tidied up and planted with flowers. Looks nice and the little ones are remembered.
I was litter picking and found what I thought was a sheet of glass in some under growth well away from the other graves on the north side of the church, I cleared it to find a small grave with a granite covering of a 3 month old baby. Checked the church yard plans and there is no other burials near this one.
I work with family tree research as part of my job and looked up this child who had an usual name combo, they had no baptism records and buried in the north side where the sun traditionally illuminates for the shortest time of day.
There is so much space on the original church yard plans for burials the year this child was interred but seemingly shut away from other people buried there.
I know you don't have to be baptised to enter heaven but it seems this little child was being cast aside through no fault of their own.
Needless to say, I have cleared brambles and heck knows what from the immediate area, and now little one can have the sun for an hour or two a day shining on them and a small vase of flowers I'm going to replenish each week.
Perhaps should have put on chat but I feel detter for getting it out there.

OP posts:
BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:06

Had an unusual name combo🙄

OP posts:
BittyItty · 09/09/2025 10:07

Thank you for sharing. A lovely and kind gesture from you. What about the name is unusual?

Robin67 · 09/09/2025 10:08

That is sad. I too feel bad for this poor little one. Obviously I feel worse that they only survived to 3 months, but this feels lonely and like rejection. I'm not with you in person OP, but I'm with you in sentiment each time you visit. Thank you for doing this.

Noshadelamp · 09/09/2025 10:10

It must have been so traumatic for the family, obviously to lose a baby and then not allowed to be buried in the main part of the graveyard.
So beautiful the work you've done there.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/09/2025 10:11

Poor little baby born into a time when some family structures were treated as acceptable and some weren’t and the children suffered. Baby is at rest and peace now x

ThisRoseReader · 09/09/2025 10:18

What a sad story, and probably all too common. It reminds me of Tess of the d'Urbervilles, where she buries her illegitimate child in a forgotten corner of the graveyard.

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:25

BittyItty · 09/09/2025 10:07

Thank you for sharing. A lovely and kind gesture from you. What about the name is unusual?

It's unusual in that there are three middle names, would be outing to me possibly as I have spoken to several people a bout this including my boss.

OP posts:
Mustbethat · 09/09/2025 10:26

What year was it? IIRC back in the day I think anyone not baptised technically couldn’t be buried in consecrated ground. People would either slip them in an existing grave, or they’d be buried outside the cemetery wall or in a far corner and hope no one said anything,

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:27

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:25

It's unusual in that there are three middle names, would be outing to me possibly as I have spoken to several people a bout this including my boss.

Share the name here. You csnt breach a dead persons confidentiality.

I woukd be nice to know so their name can be spoken again.

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:28

Mustbethat · 09/09/2025 10:26

What year was it? IIRC back in the day I think anyone not baptised technically couldn’t be buried in consecrated ground. People would either slip them in an existing grave, or they’d be buried outside the cemetery wall or in a far corner and hope no one said anything,

!906

OP posts:
Mustbethat · 09/09/2025 10:29

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:27

Share the name here. You csnt breach a dead persons confidentiality.

I woukd be nice to know so their name can be spoken again.

It’s not about the dead persons confidentiality,, it’s o/p’s.

Brunettesmorefun · 09/09/2025 10:31

What a lovely caring person you are. That is a lovely thing to do. Did you leave a posy of flowers? x

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:31

Mustbethat · 09/09/2025 10:29

It’s not about the dead persons confidentiality,, it’s o/p’s.

Im sure from a dead baby's name i will immediately able to find out the OPs full identity, address and NI number.

The most you could find is a birth certificate for the baby

Honestly the paranoia

JustReal · 09/09/2025 10:33

A granite covering wouldn't be typical for a 'cast aside' infant and baptism during infanthood is not something that is practiced by all denominations.

Sounds like someone loved the child and gave them a beautiful spot to rest and I think it's nice that you have decided to adopt its caretaking.

Mustbethat · 09/09/2025 10:34

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:31

Im sure from a dead baby's name i will immediately able to find out the OPs full identity, address and NI number.

The most you could find is a birth certificate for the baby

Honestly the paranoia

Well if I were o/p’a boss searching for more information or that birth certificate, on the baby, this thread would show and I’d be able to link all their previous posts to the person I know in real life.

many people here use the anonymity to post issues they wouldn’t want their boss to know.

it’s not paranoia. O/p is the one who found the grave and discussed with her boss so yes, would be identifiable.

NightPuffins · 09/09/2025 10:35

I’m not at all religious but I’d like to think if god existed they would recognise a little baby (or indeed anyone) buried anywhere and love the baby’s spirit as much as anyone else buried within the churchyard. You’ve done a lovely thing in clearing the space and making it fresh.

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:36

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:27

Share the name here. You csnt breach a dead persons confidentiality.

I woukd be nice to know so their name can be spoken again.

I chatted to little one as I cleared the grave, told them I was happy to have found them and that I would visit each week to make sure their grave was tidy and to bring flowers. Their name has been mentioned more times in the past week than they probably have been for decades.

OP posts:
Catwalking · 09/09/2025 10:40

This made me cry.
Thank you BlueandPinkSwan for finding this little one & helping to make their grave more pleasant.

Francestein · 09/09/2025 10:40

That is heartbreaking. Poor, wee soul. I am so pleased that this mindset seems to have almost died out.

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:42

JustReal · 09/09/2025 10:33

A granite covering wouldn't be typical for a 'cast aside' infant and baptism during infanthood is not something that is practiced by all denominations.

Sounds like someone loved the child and gave them a beautiful spot to rest and I think it's nice that you have decided to adopt its caretaking.

Trouble is it wasn't a beautiful spot, between a wall and hidden by trees which are probably about 150 years old. It was hidden away, the sun doesn't hit that area for the best part of the year except for about two hours. It's a dark and dank place.
The granite top was probably laid at a later date as the original stone cross is very worn and lopsided, but the wording on the cross is repeated onto the granite so I guess it was set by later relatives not the parents.

OP posts:
PithyTaupeWriter · 09/09/2025 10:43

What a lovely thing to do, it’s brought a tear to my eye thinking about it.

nellietheellie75 · 09/09/2025 10:44

That's a very kind thing you have done. Many people will have now thought about them too.

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:45

Brunettesmorefun · 09/09/2025 10:31

What a lovely caring person you are. That is a lovely thing to do. Did you leave a posy of flowers? x

Yes, and will do so each week as I live about 15 minute walk away from the church yard.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 09/09/2025 10:45

That is so sad. Poor little baby. Sadly this is quite common. I remember a teacher telling me that he lived across from the Graveyard and that sometimes families snuck in at night to bury their babies that passed away before Baptism.

JustReal · 09/09/2025 10:45

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:42

Trouble is it wasn't a beautiful spot, between a wall and hidden by trees which are probably about 150 years old. It was hidden away, the sun doesn't hit that area for the best part of the year except for about two hours. It's a dark and dank place.
The granite top was probably laid at a later date as the original stone cross is very worn and lopsided, but the wording on the cross is repeated onto the granite so I guess it was set by later relatives not the parents.

Hard to say without a date etc. Things back then aren't as they would seem today. I am a bit of a history nerd and frequent grave sites often. I have been to many original anglo-saxon grave sites etc. Ornate grave markers were not typical and neither was burying near to others for a variety of reasons. I still think it's nice that you have adopted its caretaking. Preservation of history is a kind thing and infants losing their life is always sad no matter how long ago.