Page 6 | To find this little grave location so sad [TRIGGER WARNING]

NearCanongate · 09/09/2025 13:25

KitchiBidziilViho · 09/09/2025 13:05

I'll start a thread later tonight with book and online recommendations and tag you and @mustbethat in it.

It is fascinating.

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Would you mind also tagging me please?

abathofmilkwithladydi · 09/09/2025 13:25

@smallpinecone I am so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am thinking of you and your lovely boy.

PoliteRaven · 09/09/2025 13:26

As I understand it un-consecrated doesn't necessarily mean it's reserved for the unbaptised or, say, suicides - it's just that that section of the cemetery hadn't been formally blessed beforehand. Maybe the grave is not alone, there could be public graves surrounding it possibly, sometimes grass grows over the flat stones - or - the families couldn't afford a gravestone so there's nothing to mark where the remains are buried.

Pricelessadvice · 09/09/2025 13:26

I find the grave thing odd and I don’t really understand why people get so hung up on it. A dead person doesn’t care where their body is located.

HangingOver · 09/09/2025 13:33

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 11:27

I’d like to share my point of view, which goes against the grain of this thread I’m afraid. But it touches a nerve.

My eldest boy died some years ago, and we no longer live in the city where he’s buried. All the family have moved away in the years since, so we don’t get there often to visit. But he’s buried with my grandparents (previously unmarked), and that brings me comfort.

A couple of years ago I visited for a week, and on my first visit to the cemetery I discovered someone had taken it upon themselves to ‘adopt’ my child’s grave. They’d taken away the gravel (which came from my grandparents garden) to plant rose bushes, put hot wheels cars and teddies around, and hung little signs on the headstone. Things like ‘precious little one’ - he wasn’t a little one, he was my big boy, a school boy, my pride and joy. He hated being called a little boy. He never liked teddies and he didn’t like cars, he loved trains, he loved Thomas…. I can’t describe how devastated I was. This person didn’t know him at all, knew nothing about him, but they’d taken it upon themselves to decorate his resting place as they saw fit.

This led to a confrontation the next day when she found me removing her rose bushes from the grave and shoving all her assorted crap in the bin. She then had the audacity to argue with me and tell me to my face that she was his sister, and who did I think I was, touching her brother’s grave…. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ve never been so angry in all my life. I’ve never shouted so much at anyone.

When people adopt these graves, I think they should be honest about why they’re doing it. It makes them feel better for ‘caring’ I guess when they feel no one else does, but they could be very wrong. These people have families who love them and cherish their memories still, not the invented ideal of them. They shouldn’t assume that because the grave is in a particular spot that the family didn’t give much thought to the location (my boy is an unusual spot, and that’s because my grandmother chose it, as she could see the hill she grew up on from there). I don’t get to visit as often as I want to, and his grave doesn’t have decorations or flowers because I can’t guarantee they’ll stay nice, and I’d hate them all to be surrounded by fading plastic. But there’s never a single minute of the day I’m not thinking about him. I want other people just to leave him alone with my grandparents, not take it upon themselves to interfere with his grave. His family is looking after him. He doesn’t need strangers to do it.

This reminds me of someone I went to school with.

She somehow found out that a boy in our year had lost a sibling in a tragic accident. She wasn't friendly with this boy at all, if anything he didn't like her. She went to the village churchyard and found the grave and began visiting it, going there regularly to "talk to" the dead sibling. Eventually she told the boy about this and he was, understandably, pretty unhappy about it.

Hawkeyethenew · 09/09/2025 13:33

This reminds me of the story I was told about my late grandmother’s family.
Her mother had twins (my nan’s siblings) who died, during or soon after birth. Only one was buried in the churchyard and the other was placed in unconsecrated ground as he or she wasn’t baptised. I don’t know if the grave was even marked. Neither were buried together. It would’ve been about a hundred years ago in a small village where everyone put in family groups in the local graveyard. Heartbreaking.

You have made a wonderful gesture, OP.

Mama2many73 · 09/09/2025 13:33

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:31

Im sure from a dead baby's name i will immediately able to find out the OPs full identity, address and NI number.

The most you could find is a birth certificate for the baby

Honestly the paranoia

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She types the name.

Someone she has discussed this with, in person, reads it and realises that OP has written this.

They then check the other posts OP has written 'anonymously ' which are now no longer anonymous! And know lits of things OP may prefer they did not know.

BTW I do think I know someone on here in real life (story too precise in detail for it to be a different person ). Ive not said anything and they did a name change so I couldn't check out previous posts if I wanted to (I dont)

TempNameForObviousReasons · 09/09/2025 13:33

This thread reminds me of the odd case in our local churchyard a while back now, where an old, overgrown, barely legible, moss covered headstone in my local churchyard kept getting vandalised. It was tucked away in an not so easily accessible area of the churchyard so there was no doubt it was being specifically targeted. The stone was deliberately knocked over somehow, the grave had a load of rubble and glass bottles dumped all over it. It was in our local paper. This went on for weeks. They then sprayed graffiti all over it, before finally taking what must have been a mallet or hammer and literally smashing it in two.
Whoever it was has never been caught to my knowledge. This was about 10 years ago now.
The grave was for an elderly gentleman who had died about 120 years prior 🤔
Lots of theories in the local community at the time and it really made everyone think what secrets this man would have taken to his grave and what horrors some little old great grandma somewhere may have confessed to whilst lying on her deathbed...

MartinAynuss · 09/09/2025 13:35

HangingOver · 09/09/2025 13:02

See things like this make me think I must be a sociopath. I understand thinking about a baby losing its life and a family losing their baby create sad feelings but I've never connected with the idea of like... doing things for dead people. Leaving flowers on graves, tidying and cleaning headstones etc. I understand it brings people feelings of comfort and closure. I don't get it.

This isn't a criticism by the way! I wish I did get it. I don't visit my Mum's grave but my Dad does. It would be nice to feel a sort of closeness. But when I tried it just looked like a stone with words on. To me whatever is left there doesn't know or care if I'm there or not, or if the grave has flowers on. Again it's not a criticism, just musing.

I feel exactly the same! My dad was cremated, so no grave to visit, but we did have his ashes scattered in the garden of rememberence. My mum visits, but I don't as it means nothing to me.
That's not to say I don't still love and miss my dad because I do. I do not believe in any god and have no faith that there is an afterlife, so that sort of thing is of no comfort to me. What makes me think of my dad and makes me feel closest to him is watching the birds and wildlife in my garden.
Dad taught me so much about the living world and how we should look after the planet, that is his legacy and I hope it will be mine as I have told my adult children that I want no funeral and just a direct cremation.

Tootietoots · 09/09/2025 13:36

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 11:27

I’d like to share my point of view, which goes against the grain of this thread I’m afraid. But it touches a nerve.

My eldest boy died some years ago, and we no longer live in the city where he’s buried. All the family have moved away in the years since, so we don’t get there often to visit. But he’s buried with my grandparents (previously unmarked), and that brings me comfort.

A couple of years ago I visited for a week, and on my first visit to the cemetery I discovered someone had taken it upon themselves to ‘adopt’ my child’s grave. They’d taken away the gravel (which came from my grandparents garden) to plant rose bushes, put hot wheels cars and teddies around, and hung little signs on the headstone. Things like ‘precious little one’ - he wasn’t a little one, he was my big boy, a school boy, my pride and joy. He hated being called a little boy. He never liked teddies and he didn’t like cars, he loved trains, he loved Thomas…. I can’t describe how devastated I was. This person didn’t know him at all, knew nothing about him, but they’d taken it upon themselves to decorate his resting place as they saw fit.

This led to a confrontation the next day when she found me removing her rose bushes from the grave and shoving all her assorted crap in the bin. She then had the audacity to argue with me and tell me to my face that she was his sister, and who did I think I was, touching her brother’s grave…. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ve never been so angry in all my life. I’ve never shouted so much at anyone.

When people adopt these graves, I think they should be honest about why they’re doing it. It makes them feel better for ‘caring’ I guess when they feel no one else does, but they could be very wrong. These people have families who love them and cherish their memories still, not the invented ideal of them. They shouldn’t assume that because the grave is in a particular spot that the family didn’t give much thought to the location (my boy is an unusual spot, and that’s because my grandmother chose it, as she could see the hill she grew up on from there). I don’t get to visit as often as I want to, and his grave doesn’t have decorations or flowers because I can’t guarantee they’ll stay nice, and I’d hate them all to be surrounded by fading plastic. But there’s never a single minute of the day I’m not thinking about him. I want other people just to leave him alone with my grandparents, not take it upon themselves to interfere with his grave. His family is looking after him. He doesn’t need strangers to do it.

I am so sorry and I understand your point of view. Unless it was my job, I wouldn’t dream of touching a stranger’s grave. It just doesn’t seem right or respectful.

HangingOver · 09/09/2025 13:36

MartinAynuss · 09/09/2025 13:35

I feel exactly the same! My dad was cremated, so no grave to visit, but we did have his ashes scattered in the garden of rememberence. My mum visits, but I don't as it means nothing to me.
That's not to say I don't still love and miss my dad because I do. I do not believe in any god and have no faith that there is an afterlife, so that sort of thing is of no comfort to me. What makes me think of my dad and makes me feel closest to him is watching the birds and wildlife in my garden.
Dad taught me so much about the living world and how we should look after the planet, that is his legacy and I hope it will be mine as I have told my adult children that I want no funeral and just a direct cremation.

Show quote history

Oh I'm glad it's not just me haha. In which case it seems that the treatment of a grave isn't necessarily representative of how much the person is loved. I think of mum when I put on a jumper she bought me or use one of her turns of phrase 😁

Tootietoots · 09/09/2025 13:38

MartinAynuss · 09/09/2025 13:35

I feel exactly the same! My dad was cremated, so no grave to visit, but we did have his ashes scattered in the garden of rememberence. My mum visits, but I don't as it means nothing to me.
That's not to say I don't still love and miss my dad because I do. I do not believe in any god and have no faith that there is an afterlife, so that sort of thing is of no comfort to me. What makes me think of my dad and makes me feel closest to him is watching the birds and wildlife in my garden.
Dad taught me so much about the living world and how we should look after the planet, that is his legacy and I hope it will be mine as I have told my adult children that I want no funeral and just a direct cremation.

Show quote history

Most if my family were cremated and they are never forgotten.

JustTryingToBeMe · 09/09/2025 13:42

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 10:31

Im sure from a dead baby's name i will immediately able to find out the OPs full identity, address and NI number.

The most you could find is a birth certificate for the baby

Honestly the paranoia

Show quote history

You are missing the point; people IRL could recognise OP from the subject.

JudgeJ · 09/09/2025 13:45

ThisRoseReader · 09/09/2025 10:18

What a sad story, and probably all too common. It reminds me of Tess of the d'Urbervilles, where she buries her illegitimate child in a forgotten corner of the graveyard.

I think that was more common than we think. In the 19th century if an illegitimate child was baptised in church the register would sometimes include the word Bastard or under occupation the mother would be described as 'a singe woman'. A pregnant single woman would often be removed from a Parish and sent back to her home Parish so she wouldn't be an expense on the place she was living.

Pricelessadvice · 09/09/2025 13:46

MartinAynuss · 09/09/2025 13:35

I feel exactly the same! My dad was cremated, so no grave to visit, but we did have his ashes scattered in the garden of rememberence. My mum visits, but I don't as it means nothing to me.
That's not to say I don't still love and miss my dad because I do. I do not believe in any god and have no faith that there is an afterlife, so that sort of thing is of no comfort to me. What makes me think of my dad and makes me feel closest to him is watching the birds and wildlife in my garden.
Dad taught me so much about the living world and how we should look after the planet, that is his legacy and I hope it will be mine as I have told my adult children that I want no funeral and just a direct cremation.

Show quote history

Same here. I think graveyards are a strange phenomenon and tending to a grave is odd to me. A friend tells me she goes to visit her Dad but I wonder why you would want to visit the place a corpse is located? It makes zero sense to me. The person isn’t there, it’s not like they live at the graveyard.

We all go in the oven. Job done. We remember our loved ones through memories and talking at family catch ups. We don’t feel the need to adorn a headstone with trinkets.

Each to their own, but it’s something that is so alien to me that I find it bizarre so many people find comfort from it. I am quite bizarre though 😅

Letsgoroundagainnow · 09/09/2025 13:49

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 11:27

I’d like to share my point of view, which goes against the grain of this thread I’m afraid. But it touches a nerve.

My eldest boy died some years ago, and we no longer live in the city where he’s buried. All the family have moved away in the years since, so we don’t get there often to visit. But he’s buried with my grandparents (previously unmarked), and that brings me comfort.

A couple of years ago I visited for a week, and on my first visit to the cemetery I discovered someone had taken it upon themselves to ‘adopt’ my child’s grave. They’d taken away the gravel (which came from my grandparents garden) to plant rose bushes, put hot wheels cars and teddies around, and hung little signs on the headstone. Things like ‘precious little one’ - he wasn’t a little one, he was my big boy, a school boy, my pride and joy. He hated being called a little boy. He never liked teddies and he didn’t like cars, he loved trains, he loved Thomas…. I can’t describe how devastated I was. This person didn’t know him at all, knew nothing about him, but they’d taken it upon themselves to decorate his resting place as they saw fit.

This led to a confrontation the next day when she found me removing her rose bushes from the grave and shoving all her assorted crap in the bin. She then had the audacity to argue with me and tell me to my face that she was his sister, and who did I think I was, touching her brother’s grave…. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ve never been so angry in all my life. I’ve never shouted so much at anyone.

When people adopt these graves, I think they should be honest about why they’re doing it. It makes them feel better for ‘caring’ I guess when they feel no one else does, but they could be very wrong. These people have families who love them and cherish their memories still, not the invented ideal of them. They shouldn’t assume that because the grave is in a particular spot that the family didn’t give much thought to the location (my boy is an unusual spot, and that’s because my grandmother chose it, as she could see the hill she grew up on from there). I don’t get to visit as often as I want to, and his grave doesn’t have decorations or flowers because I can’t guarantee they’ll stay nice, and I’d hate them all to be surrounded by fading plastic. But there’s never a single minute of the day I’m not thinking about him. I want other people just to leave him alone with my grandparents, not take it upon themselves to interfere with his grave. His family is looking after him. He doesn’t need strangers to do it.

I’m sorry 💐

LittleElfToes · 09/09/2025 13:50

We had a family member from previous generations that remembered when babies weren’t allowed to be buried in the church if not baptised, so had to bury them in the church hedgerow over night with no ceremony.

Daygloboo · 09/09/2025 13:59

BlueandPinkSwan · 09/09/2025 10:04

Our small local churchyard has been cleared by volunteers byself included and old graves of babies and very young children adopted, tidied up and planted with flowers. Looks nice and the little ones are remembered.
I was litter picking and found what I thought was a sheet of glass in some under growth well away from the other graves on the north side of the church, I cleared it to find a small grave with a granite covering of a 3 month old baby. Checked the church yard plans and there is no other burials near this one.
I work with family tree research as part of my job and looked up this child who had an usual name combo, they had no baptism records and buried in the north side where the sun traditionally illuminates for the shortest time of day.
There is so much space on the original church yard plans for burials the year this child was interred but seemingly shut away from other people buried there.
I know you don't have to be baptised to enter heaven but it seems this little child was being cast aside through no fault of their own.
Needless to say, I have cleared brambles and heck knows what from the immediate area, and now little one can have the sun for an hour or two a day shining on them and a small vase of flowers I'm going to replenish each week.
Perhaps should have put on chat but I feel detter for getting it out there.

😊

Fluffyblackcat7 · 09/09/2025 14:04

KitchiBidziilViho · 09/09/2025 10:50

In my culture we don't tend to graves, we let the earth do as she will. We also wouldn't baptise our children.

Not so much anymore as graveyards are so packed, but we would choose a corner away from everyone as well so nobody would be upset by the grave not being attended. We also have our own rituals, and laying flowers etc isn't one of them.

You may be feeling sad and attributing a backstory is for something that's simply part of a culture that's different to yours.

I don't tend to where my dc are laid to rest, and I don't lay flowers, but that's not to say they aren't loved and they are forgotten. We still honour our ancestors, including children who have died many years ago, well before my time.

I hope someone doesn't come along in a few years and think I simply didn't care about my own children. When I am long gone they will still be honoured.

How interesting.

May I ask your culture?

Genevieva · 09/09/2025 14:12

Have you told the vicar? The vicar can hold a small blessing service over the burial site.

MyDeftDuck · 09/09/2025 14:13

This made me quite emotional. How lovely that you took the time to clear the churchyard and took special care of the isolated grave. I did wonder if the baby might have been born out of wedlock.

anon4net · 09/09/2025 14:14

It's lovely volunteers are cleaning them up & while of course their bodies are long gone, there's a dignity to a tidy and well cared for burial, especially so about children.

I've heard historically of a few reasons for graves further from the sites

Parents who couldn't afford the fees and either secretly buried them or were offered a less than ideal spot b/c they couldn't make a donation/pay
Children who were born/died (sometimes their mother did too) in less than optimal circumstances according to the Church. For example young mothers who were victims of sexual assault, babies conceived by women forced into sex work for survival/food/housing. So much judgement of these women who were victims of intolerable cruelty by the Church & society - they were often underage too.
They died of something that was believed to be contagious beyond the grave or could be bad 'luck' from the graveside.

I find the three middle names fascinating as it would suggest this baby was very loved. If the Church named the child it would likely only have first and last, perhaps a middle after another Saint. Churches often repeated the same small collection of names of religious significance. Is your Church Catholic? Even if it isn't Catholic today, do you know it's past?

Thanks for sharing @BlueandPinkSwan

Galatine · 09/09/2025 14:15

ThisRoseReader · 09/09/2025 10:18

What a sad story, and probably all too common. It reminds me of Tess of the d'Urbervilles, where she buries her illegitimate child in a forgotten corner of the graveyard.

That’s exactly what came into my mind. In the past the unbaptised were assumed to be not worthy of burial in consecrated ground. I hope that this burial and the attitudes which were common are very much consigned to the past. I imagine and hope that it would not happen today.

Bollihobs · 09/09/2025 14:16

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 11:27

I’d like to share my point of view, which goes against the grain of this thread I’m afraid. But it touches a nerve.

My eldest boy died some years ago, and we no longer live in the city where he’s buried. All the family have moved away in the years since, so we don’t get there often to visit. But he’s buried with my grandparents (previously unmarked), and that brings me comfort.

A couple of years ago I visited for a week, and on my first visit to the cemetery I discovered someone had taken it upon themselves to ‘adopt’ my child’s grave. They’d taken away the gravel (which came from my grandparents garden) to plant rose bushes, put hot wheels cars and teddies around, and hung little signs on the headstone. Things like ‘precious little one’ - he wasn’t a little one, he was my big boy, a school boy, my pride and joy. He hated being called a little boy. He never liked teddies and he didn’t like cars, he loved trains, he loved Thomas…. I can’t describe how devastated I was. This person didn’t know him at all, knew nothing about him, but they’d taken it upon themselves to decorate his resting place as they saw fit.

This led to a confrontation the next day when she found me removing her rose bushes from the grave and shoving all her assorted crap in the bin. She then had the audacity to argue with me and tell me to my face that she was his sister, and who did I think I was, touching her brother’s grave…. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ve never been so angry in all my life. I’ve never shouted so much at anyone.

When people adopt these graves, I think they should be honest about why they’re doing it. It makes them feel better for ‘caring’ I guess when they feel no one else does, but they could be very wrong. These people have families who love them and cherish their memories still, not the invented ideal of them. They shouldn’t assume that because the grave is in a particular spot that the family didn’t give much thought to the location (my boy is an unusual spot, and that’s because my grandmother chose it, as she could see the hill she grew up on from there). I don’t get to visit as often as I want to, and his grave doesn’t have decorations or flowers because I can’t guarantee they’ll stay nice, and I’d hate them all to be surrounded by fading plastic. But there’s never a single minute of the day I’m not thinking about him. I want other people just to leave him alone with my grandparents, not take it upon themselves to interfere with his grave. His family is looking after him. He doesn’t need strangers to do it.

I'm so sorry that happened to you @smallpinecone what a horrible and upsetting experience. 💐

Genevieva · 09/09/2025 14:20

Galatine · 09/09/2025 14:15

That’s exactly what came into my mind. In the past the unbaptised were assumed to be not worthy of burial in consecrated ground. I hope that this burial and the attitudes which were common are very much consigned to the past. I imagine and hope that it would not happen today.

Show quote history

They couldn't be buried in consecrated ground because they weren't baptised. Canon Law. But a mother might hope that by sneaking a child into consecrated ground, God would look kindly on her child and save him from Hell. If you believe that Hellfire then the prospect of an unmarked pauper's grave on common ground must have been awful.