So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

Yup, I know he can't help it but it really minimises who I am as my parents always let him have his way, and I think that is quite defeatist because other people who do not know his condition will not tolerate this behaviour and so for his own good, sometimes he needs to appreciate (not necessarily understand), that he needs to give way. The thing is, he can do it with people he is not emotionally connected with. I know he can't help that he is wired differently but it does affect the rest of the family and there have been times in my life when I have been made to feel invisible.

I haven't read the whole thread but I can't understand why it seems most people are bashing the OP. Surely if you love someone, you accept the things they really can't manage (as opposed to just don't want to do) and you make reasonable adjustments so that everyone is as happy as possible. In this case, OP would have struggled massively with the hot, cramped cafe but was able to tolerate the more spacious one in m&s. That's a reasonable adjustment, not bowing to her wants. They still went to a cafe. But it's not that that the OP is upset about, it's the fact that her family made her feel bad about this adjustment. Obviously, her DH and DD are allowed to feel frustrated at times but ultimately need to be understanding. Perhaps a discussion/plan before future outings about where they could all go would help remove any animosity going forward.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I wanted to cosign this.

I'm late-diagnosed, just last year. I have used the diagnosis to work on myself, to address issues that I have functioning in the world. The people in my life are already familiar with how I "am," so I haven't really discussed the diagnosis in depth with them. It's mostly been for me to understand myself and put strategies in place to function better in my life.

I know its tough for you and no-one is trying to minimise your feelings. Its the ability to focus in on stuff to the exclusion of all else that gave my brother his very lucrative and productive career and its no-ones fault that like you, he had lived a good deal of his life before he got the diagnosis.

Your family do see you, and do love you, exactly as you are, otherwise your partner wouldn't be with you and you wouldn't have a daughter BUT now you have a diagnosis, whilst you need them to support and understand what your are going through, you also need to appreciate that you also need to adjust and accommodate for them where you can.

I love the martyr comments.
I don't like ice cream and I'm lactose intolerant.
I'm vegetarian yet they had meat.
They had what they wanted.To make out I'm some nuisance when I have great strengths is weird.
The coffee was small as I'm menopausal and need to pee.Im on hrt
.I will make sure I don't mention my diagnosis that is good advice.
I hope it stops me being seen as disability or a creature of pity.

Thank you pretty pickle.

But this way of saying it makes sense, whereas up thread it sounds more that these weren't your own choice, but foisted on to you.

OP you mention the ice cream, you mentioned the “small” coffee , you made the entire crux of your OP about your diagnosis and then very swiftly backtracked that actually this has nothing to do with your diagnosis and you say on the one hand how distant your DH is from his children and yes in another post how much he loves his DC and closer to your DD due to shared hobby

I don’t think i recall on Op who back pedals so hard but then makes out we are all daft and unfair for reading her posts, which she then makes out are irrelevant

@augustusglupe I agree. We are all different. We all have likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Yes, for some people coping with the real world is very difficult, if not impossible, and a diagnosis with a label is necessary. We need to be aware of disabilities and try to accommodate them. But now it seems every other person is ND or ADHD or Aspergers etc and I know people who use their label to excuse bad or selfish behaviour. I used to meet a friend for coffee. She'd ask me to suggest a place but it didn't matter where I suggested, she'd veto it on the grounds that she couldn't drink their coffee, it was too dark in there, they didn't do the cake she liked, the stairs were too steep, the chairs were uncomfortable etc.etc. We always ended up going to the same soulless department store. Then she'd complain that I never suggested a venue myself! When I argued with that, she came up with her various ailments and diagnoses as valid reasons for us always having to do what she wanted.

Edit to delete accidental double post.

This is the most amazing post on the subject I ve read.

I'm saving it. because my ND partner needs to hear this too.

I couldn't agree more. I have two adult children who are on the Autistic spectrum. My son went to a special school and the school and we worked to make sure that he could fit in to society to the best of his ability. He lives independently and is well-liked. He will never be able to work for money but does a lot of voluntary work. He is well liked but his autism is of the severity that accommodations and allowances have to be made to a certain extent. From babyhood onwards, we have made sure that he accepts rules and takes responsibility for his own actions as far as he is able.

Our daughter has autism of the degree that the OP has. She was diagnosed as a teenager and has a Masters degree and is applying to do a PHD. She works, drives and has friends. Again, we have never let her use her diagnosis as an excuse. She is quite quirky, too.

So many (too many?) people seem desperate to get these diagnoses and then expect everyone else to pander to them. They seem to use it as an excuse to abdicate normal societal expectations. They talk about "hidden disabilities" and "masking" meaning that they are so, so special and everyone else should accept and accommodate their excuses for what is, frankly, bad behaviour. Before I am slammed as unsympathetic, believe me I am not. Indeed, I have a couple of so-called hidden disabilities myself. I have undiagnosed dyspraxia - l don't want to go through diagnosis because it would make no difference to me at this stage of my life but it has helped me to realise why I found learning to drive so difficult, for example, and I don't have a strong left-right sense. My spatial awareness is dreadful, too, which is not helped by my true "hidden disability," the one that is truly hidden and very misunderstood by many people - deafness. I cannot tell which direction sound is coming from and my hearing has deteriorated alarmingly this year to the point where I have had to accept it is a disability and not simply a case of being hard of hearing. Before I had my new, strong hearing aids, l was masking all the time because I could only hear parts of conversations. I had to rely on lipreading as best I could. I have had various forms of deafness almost all my life and just had to get on with it. Most people have far less understanding of deafness than any other disability and also make tĥe least allowance for it. I have to fit ìn to the hearing world which, to be honest, I mostly can with these very expensive and amazing hearing aids. However, even the most sophisticated hearing aids in the world can only boost one's existing hearing and not replace that which is lost. There are still times when I mishear and misunderstand. Do I expect others to constantly pander to me? Of course not. I do think there is a lot in the old saying that what can't be cured must be endured. After all, no one escapes from life unscathed and the person who is expected to put up with all sorts of nonsense because of a family member or friend's diagnosis may be exhausted from caring for an elderly family member or have a devastating diagnosis of their own.

Oh come on now you are just teasing people. Lots of lactose intolerant, vegan, and vegetarian people in my family we can and do still ear together.

Your family simply doesn’t have good communication skills and perfectly ordinary, happy, group moments blow up into fights that are completely unnecessary. You can only control or change yourself and your patterns so start there. You may not change long standing patterns on their part but you might become happier with yourself and your choices.

I spoke to DH about DD attitude and stomping off ahead because I didn't instantly go into the cramped place.
I pointed out it is rude and impatient and embarrassing for me when a discussion could be had.
It turns out it was HIM who stormed off and she followed.
It is why I mostly do things alone as others don't understand and what could be fun turns into a scene.
I will try to be more accommodating with others though as this thread has highlighted the need for meeting others half way.

Your poor poor DD no wonder she is low contact stuck in the middle of all of this

and I dont get the vegetarian/meat bit. DD is a vegan and DH and DS are avid meat eaters - yes we do have to find a restaurant that serves her a decent meal (compromise) but she would never stop them. The yet they had meat why is that an issue. Why is the ice cream an issue?

I really understand the daughter moving far away. It sounds like you have a shit dynamic overall, and he's fed up.

What did your DH say about why he stormed off? I think maybe start with that?

I hope you didn't take my comments harshly, my intention wasn't to make you feel bad but to ask you to consider that even your nearest and dearest aren't going to care or be as interested in your recent diagnosis as you are and for everyone's benefit you need to accept that.

You're going to be disappointed and frustrated and it may hold you back. Just try to understand this is about YOU and you have to roll your sleeves up and look for ways to improve your life today.

The cafe was a bad experience. Maybe it would help to talk to your H w/o emotion and say hey this is exactly what sets me off, I didn't want to ruin the day. In future can we try-
-planning the day better so nobody is starved and cranky
-discussing places we'd go (and this is where you need to do your homework and find several options to choose from that work for you)
-on the occasions where I just can't go into a place can we agree not to argue and I'll go elsewhere alone for that time if you want that to go to place.
-can we have a code word for when I'm in a bad way so I can signal to you or you can signal to me that I'm being difficult and agree how each would react to that signal in advance.
etc etc

But I think the onus is on you to do more advance prep on outings and be proactive and talk things out w/o being upset, that can feel like emotional blackmail and its destructive not constructive.

Your diagnosis may feel overwhelming, on one hand its a relief that you're not crazy, your symptoms are real. On the other hand NOW WHAT, it seems so much to take in.

I wonder if you'd consider joining a support group? irl or on facebook reddit etc, there are many support groups that can give you solid advice and validation. ❤

I see some comments re my friend and you've clocked that she has other mental health problems. She hasn't worked in over 20 years and is isolated. She's been hospitalized several times, had psychosis and did some dumb stuff.

She stayed w/her elderly mother after mother had surgery and her mother asked her after a few days if friend should look into assisted living instead of living alone. Its very sad.

However she's the kindest most loving person, is aware of her mental illness and tries not to make that anyone else's problem, is a supportive friend and funny as hell too. I adore her warts and all.

And she is under psychiatric care, on meds, still goes to therapy regularly etc.

(Her father SA'd her when she was a tween and I think thats the root of it all tbh.)

It is why I mostly do things alone as others don't understand and what could be fun turns into a scene.

op reread this. Again…. It’s this very Martyrish “woe is me” attitude that is probably the cause of a lot of your relationship issues.

And fact that you seem to be very unhappily married and have a husband and daughter who can’t control their tizzy fits, which is like petrol on a fire to your martyr complex.

So makes it all the more baffling that she’s implored you to read up about her mental health conditions and sent you books, blog posts, articles etc and you’ve point blanked to read even one thing.

The longer this post goes on the more I’m coming to the conclusion that you are very wrapped up in yourself OP and meeting your needs. Your DH had spent time shopping which he hates and your DD was hungry. So they found a cafe and no doubt felt relieved to be stopping to sit down and eat. But then you don’t like the cafe. That would irritate me too.
This all could’ve been avoided with better planning. Why go shopping if DH hates it? Why not have a suitable cafe in mind in advance and suggest to the others that you’ll go there. That way, everyone’s needs are met. It seems there’s a lack of communication between you all.