So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

No, it’s not. ND is a vague/umbrella term that’s gaining popularity online. Being ND doesn’t make anyone automatically disabled.

ADHD, Tourette’s, etc are disabilities.

I find the lack of understanding on this thread astonishing. I am still waiting for my diagnosis but since I realised I am autistic I have stopped masking. It was exhausting. I forgive myself more. I remember being out with family or at family parties and sweating because I felt so uncomfortable. I give myself permission to be a hermit. I'm lucky in that the son who lives with me is also autistic and understands me very well, and vise versa.

There is a lot of misunderstanding on here, with people saying that OP is suddenly expecting to be treated differently, when both has changed other than her getting a diagnosis. That is rarely the case. With a diagnosis often comes an understanding of what someone has found difficult for a long time, and why they perhaps struggle at other times due to earlier sensory overload. OP may never have understood that feelings that she may never have understood originated from the cosiness of the cafe. With that new understanding, she now know that by going to somewhere that is less of a sensory issue, she can be more herself, and probably more open and receptive to her family. While this does not mean she has precedence of choice, having her new understanding understood and accepted will mean a lot.

FWIW we have recently come to understand that our 12 year old is neurodivergent, and with it, we are learning lots of things that make life easier for him, and as a result us. But based on what I'm reading here, should I just be saying that he has to put up with it, and it's better that we all continue to experience a more challenging version of him because ultimately, I want coffee somewhere that doesn't meet his needs?

Wow, such tough responses. I would be interested in knowing more about any condition my loved ones live with. I have a child with AuDHD and learning about the conditions has been super helpful for a more harmonious household.

I think it can help to understand why you don't like crowded noisy spaces and it's not that you are just trying to be difficult. That said, sometimes you do have to suck it up and be in an environment that is tricky if there is a higher priority.

But to have successful relationships is all about balancing everyone's needs. The needs that come from autism, from hunger, from physical disability or illness...

Ops daughter was really hungry, that's a need that should be taken into consideration too

I don't think it's always lack of understanding, some of us have extensive personal experience of caring for or otherwise accommodating neurodivergent people.

There are a lot of people on this thread who clearly have zero understanding of ADHD or Autism etc. who have zero understanding of the exhaustion essentially living a lie for 40 odd years has taken, who have zero understanding of the relief removing that mask. Once that mask is off there is no way it’s going back on permanently just to make others feel comfortable - do wear your real face with pride.

And also, I really think that it's very aggressive to think that ND needs trump all other needs. They are a factor to be added to the balance. But to successfully have family relationships or couple relationships you can't dictate or dominate

I disagree. DH was diagnosed with autism as an adult. But he still does lots of things with his teen /adult children that he finds tricky, because he loves them and wants to balance his needs with their needs and wishes.

Just as I often do things that will cause me pain afterwards due to a physical disability, because I love and care about my children and try and strike a balance of meeting their needs and wishes too.

It's called being a family

I don't think people are saying that the neurodivergent person has to just suck it up and suffer but that there has to be some compromise where there can be.

I also really think the parent to an under 18 child accommodations are fundamentally very different to an adult child making accommodations to their parent or someone making accommodations for a spouse.

If employers are expected to adapt to ND employees then surely family members should at least bear in mind ND traits and try to accommodate them wherever possible?

Oh I do get that, but I wonder how many time over the duration of her relationship and parenting OP has put everyone else's needs first. We cannot just assume that because she wanted something on this occasion, that she always expects this. Personally, I am wondering why everyone is so accepting that a presumably neurotypical adult allowed herself to get so hungry that she couldn't even tolerate a small wait for food! To me, that in itself is quite concerning - can we all just snap and expect the world to resolve around d us because we are hungry, when as an adult, she could have presumably expressed that need earlier so their was time for compromise. But everyone is quick to jump on the neurodivergent being h reasonable, even though here, it seems that someone else failing to express their need early enough may be the bigger issue.

Just swap neurodivergent for autism then. You agree that autism is a disability ??

Fairly sure that if assessed my MIL would recieve a diagnosis of some sort of personality disorder and probably autism as well. It would explain but wouldn't excuse her behaviour and all the upset, hurt and anxiety she has caused her son, daughter and me (I met her as a teenager so 20 years in).

Do you really see no difference between an employer-employee relationship and a family relationship?

What if multiple members of the family are ND? Whose needs get accommodated?

Katemiskin we hardly see DD so usually we just chill or go to a nature reserve.
She has a very busy social life and DH plays sports has sporting holidays watches sport on TV be it football or grand Prix or rugby.
If we visit her we go to the beach.

(And just to clarify, I do understand that there is a high likelihood that the daughter may also be neurodivergent, and that it is likely in a family with unrecognised neurodivergence, that needs have often not been expressed. But in this instance, I am simply unsure why wanting to eat somewhere else is less valid than an adult allowing themselves to become so hungry that they cannot tolerate any delay).

Quite possibly. But op is upset she is lonely. Unfortunately to have successful relationships generally involves a degree of compromise.

Everyone gets accommodated to the best of everyone's ability.

That normally means that either no one gets accommodated or those who moan the loudest get what they want.

Employers are expected to adapt within reason.

What if the n d person is always calling in sick. All saying they can only work a couple of hours a day. Or imposing restrictions on all of their colleagues do not trigger their n d.

They won't be able to stay in the job as that would be unreasonable

Being ND doesn't mean you get everything all your own way at work or in a family.

I didn't want to say it, but genuinely this is what I have found.

It's not about getting what you want 🙄

Let me explain to you what it can be like. Imagine sitting somewhere, your ADHD makes you hyper vigilant. You have no choice but to listen to every conversation going on round you, look at and assess the actions of everyone. It’s not a choice, it is your body’s natural way of being, you can’t shut it off. Then imagine how over stimulating that can be. Potentially you can cut out the noise with headphones, but then your body can still see so it might become even more distracted. You can’t sit with your back to people because your body panics not being able to observe. You have trouble processing anything being said to you because you likely have auditory processing disorder. So your body goes into fight or flight ?previously your mask used to slip occasionally and you would start an argument over something seemingly trivial), now your prefrontal cortex has shut down and you can’t make a decision over what to eat.drink because the decision part of your brain has gone offline. You’re sure that table is laughing at you, esp the one in the red jumper, red jumper, didn’t there used to be a tv programme with someone in a red jumper you watched as a kid, oh banana splits was a tv programme then, when did that run? You grab your phone to google, a notification of a facebook post pops up, you doom scroll on Facebook and that provides relief from the noise. You suddenly become aware of your husband and daughter looking angrily at you asking what you want to eat. You haven’t a clue so you pick the third one down as it’s your default )I’m vegan partly for this reason choices are made for you). You can’t join in the conversation because you can’t process what is being said, with all the distractions of listening into everyone else’s conversation - everyone is now in a mood, you’re eating food you hate, it has a terrible texture and you feel ill. You leave to go to the loo, you need to hide - you’re in a heightened emotional state, adrenaline cortisol is high. You try all your visualisation and breathing exercises. You go back, get accused of ruining lunch, you’ll still be going over this in 5 years time. You have zero control over any of the above. You’re so exhausted due to all the hormonal fluctuations the situation created you spend the afternoon in bed - guilt ridden hating yourself.

Or you could all just go to M&S and have a quiet lunch

Isn't there a lot of mean-spirited ignorance about