Ok... I say all of this very gently and to try and help you, as a late diagnosed ADHD female, with likely Autistic traits myself. It's going to be long, sorry.
For the sake of your relationships, you need to try and reflect and be honest with yourself, even if not us, about this statement. I know others are saying your diagnosis makes no difference, but I think it massively affects your perception and processing of situations/events, I know mine does, and I constantly find myself making myself pause to consider their POV.
Based on what you have said so far, it is incredibly unlikely that both DH and DD are having spontaneous temper tantrums for no reason, you're just not recognising the steps that got there.
For starters the "compromises all weekend"
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Did they know you were compromising?
Compromise requires communication - were they aware your preference was something else? Had you communicated your suggestion, but agreed to go along with theirs on this occasion? If so, did you do so willingly and enjoy the situation, or were you visibly anxious, uncomfortable, closed off and ruining the experience for everyone because they could see how unhappy you were? This won't have felt like compromise to them if the vibe made it so abundantly about the fact you didn't want to be there.
Did you say nothing, mask and suck it up, and so they were genuinely unaware that you had made any compromises for them? If so, they can't have known that you made compromises or allowances and that you were expecting this reciprocated, because they didn't know you weren't happy with the choices made.
Or did you not actually have a preference and were happy to go along with theirs? Because that isn't something you can now retrospectively frame as a compromise.
Often in these situations I find the conflict/blow up comes because I haven't expressed calmly and in a non emotive way my preferences or POV until the point at which I'm disregulated by the situation, by which point it's impossible to communicate them regularly.
At what point did you communicate that your preference was for a quiet location?
The ideal time for this was when coffee was decided. "Yeah that's a great idea DD, let's grab a drink before we head back. Shopping has really taken it out of me, any chance we can head somewhere that's not too packed so I can catch my breath?"
If someone said the above, before you've headed anywhere, it's far easier to have a quick think about where's likely to fit that criteria and go there, and they likely never would have picked somewhere unsuitable. If someone said nothing, let us walk when already tired and hungry to one spot, and then was told that didn't suit and someone wanted to go somewhere else, probably in a different direction, I'd be annoyed that they just hadn't said that from the outset.
You cannot, and should not, avoid all discomfort. Masking is not inherently bad/ It's important to learn how to juggle your social battery
I think it's really easy with a late diagnosis (meaning as an adult, because I guess as a child you have limited say in what or how much changes) to have an epiphany of "all these things I thought everyone felt/did/struggled with, they don't, and not everyone has to mask to achieve these things, therefore I will be like them and stop masking.
Masking I'm noticing seems to be talked about more and more, particularly in ND circles as a negative thing and sometimes to be avoided at all costs, which feels a bit dangerous and unhelpful. It's a life skill. NT people mask all the time, at work, socialising with a partner's friends who they don't particularly like, at kids events/PTA stuff. It's a persona, a version of you adapted for the environment. The issue with masking in NDs is that you can find yourself needing to do it constantly, which leads to all sorts of issues as it's not sustainable. But that doesn't mean you can't/never should. If you have been able to eat/drink in cramped coffee shops before, you can do it again. It might be more of a drain on your social battery, but you could do it. Late diagnosed people saying they 'cant' do something actually mean "I am no longer interested in masking my feelings in this scenario" which is valid, only they can choose what they will and won't mask for but you can't then be surprised that others are frustrated by that lack of compromise, when they themselves often mask for short periods for the benefit of those around them.
For example, I won't mask on a date, because it's important to me that any potential partner was comfortable with the slightly chaotic version of me, I would never want to have to mask permanently around someone I was in a relationship with, nor do I particularly mask around my ND friends because we're cut from the same cloth and it's a bit different, but I absolutely would mask some elements in social situations where social norms required me to talk less, interact with people I wouldn't normally, etc. I'm not a fan of crowded, busy places, but I could grin and bear it for a half hour if that decision suited the majority. But that resilience and masking is a skill that needs practice. Allowing yourself to avoid anything that makes you feel uncomfortable does not help in the long run.
Which brings me onto the second part of this last subheading about managing your social battery. Perhaps look at the spoon theory if you haven't already, it was designed with chronic illness in mind but has similar applications to mental/emotional load/resilience for ND brains. In essence, it's about viewing spoons as capacity and knowing how many spoons you have on a given day (which varies according to multiple factors) and how many spoons certain activities/environments "cost". The idea is not to spend more spoons than you have, but for me (I'm sure it's not as straightforward forward in cases of chronic illness) I'm open to borrowing from future days, you just factor this in. And that doesn't mean spending the spoons on the bits that work for you and then simply telling others their choices can't happen as you're sold out, there's an obligation to you to pace yourself. If that means you know that you've got a busy evening, you have a slightly quieter day, or that you cut shopping short by a busy shop or 2 to leave spoons for coffee without feeling on the edge, then that's something to do.
From DHs perspective. If I had dragged around the shops, with no real interest in it, and I thought the trade off was that I was going to get a "nice" coffee in an independent coffee shop with a cake or a treat, and then because the person who wanted to go shopping had shopped herself out, we ended up in a soulless M&S cafe with shipped in and defrosted cake, I'd be really disappointed.
Its not clear whether you saw DD all weekend, or just for shopping (you say in first post you met upnwith her, but then say all TV and food choices were "theirs") which implies DD may have been about all weekend, and it's also not clear whether you travelled to her or vice versa, but it probably could have been predicted that this weekend/day might have been overstimulating/overwhelming for you and so I would have been planning my day(s) either side to be as low stimulation as needed to allow me to rally and mask as needed to make the most of my time with a DD you rarely see. Alternatively, choosing not to do anything that doesn't feel you with joy and/or makes you uncomfortable is a choice, and that's valid, but it's important you are aware that is a conscious choice, and then not to be surprised or put out if those around you are either exasperated/annoyed, or choose to start doing things without you .
It requires give and take, and if they can see genuine effort on your part, they're far more likely to try and meet you in the middle, but your posts read a bit like your idea of compromise is factored entirely around your diagnosis and how you want things to go, with little consideration for what they would like to do.
I would suggest some therapy with someone well versed in ND clients. It's important you use the diagnosis as a blueprint to yourself to enable an understanding of yourself and use this to find strategies and tools to help you thrive, and to reframe conversations and situations where we feel misunderstood and consider alternative POVS, not as a reason to expect those around you to prioritise your wishes above all others at all times. It takes a huge amount of work and self awareness, but it'll be worth it!