So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

Op has said that DS has his own hobbies and is off on a sporting holiday soon, so no, it doesn't mean that other family members never go on holiday or anywhere. It just means that up until now, OP hasn't been accompanying them on holiday or trips to the theatre or cinema.

My DS has an ASD diagnosis, we would never think of expecting him to endure a hot, crowded, noisy café when we could equally choose another where we know he is comfortable. We make a reasonable adjustment.

When he was younger, he wore ear protectors so that he could cope in noisy chicken/pizza restaurants. He compromised.

We organise our family holidays around what he enjoys (currently: camping, fell walking and heritage railways) because that's what will make our holidays enjoyable for us all. There's nothing like a truly miserable kid to kill the holiday vibe! DS gets to do what he wants. DH enjoys time off work and fell walking. Because I am unable to do the fell walking, I take a book and some paints so I get time to myself to pursue my gentle hobbies that nobody else is interested in. We all enjoy a ride on a steam train with coffee and cake at a pretty heritage station café. We all loved the Laurel & Hardy Museum telling their history with original artifacts and showing their reels back to back in the tiny cinema at Ulverston. DS had never sen a Laurel and Hardy movie. We all laughed uproareously! For a rainy day, I highly recommend. I digress....

Ok, this last accommodation (organising our whole holiday around him) is a bit more extreme but he's 13 years old. He most likely won't want to holiday with us forever and will soon reach an age when he can be trusted to be home alone while we jet off to Barcelona (That's one of my dream destinations).

Also, 'hangry' is real (even with adults)! It just takes a bit of planning to avoid those affected getting to that state.

My point is that we navigate family life with a combination of adjustments, accommodations and compromises so that we are all reasonably comfortable and get a chance to do the things we enjoy.

It sounds like the café incident was just bad planning OP but now that you have a diagnosis, you can better understand some of the reasons behind your symptoms, and work on strategies to help you cope in some of the situations that you would have avoided in the past such as visiting your daughter. Maybe, noise cancelling earbuds for aural overload, something akin to the spoons method described by PP and a little bit of CBT?

Long and involved articles may not be your husband's bag but he sounds like a nice man (taking you both shopping which he hates) and I'm sure he'll be on board with the positive changes that you can make.

This has been an unnecessarily harsh MN response.

A disability is not a preference and it’s obviously had a big impact on your life without you knowing until now why..

Yes I agree with you, your family could show more curiosity and understanding. They don’t seem like they are going to though.

I would stop sending things about your diagnosis to your DH as he isn’t interested and it’s making things worse. Is the relationship struggling in other ways?

Is there a support group perhaps that meet online? It might help you feel less alone.

I agree with this - I am clinically/medically diagnosed with GAD and OCD - no one knows apart from my close family but life goes on and I have to get on with things that cause me me to (internally) freak out.

A lot of people have things going on - and needs don’t always get to trump those of others.

Surely DH is meeting his need for a holiday? OP is the one missing out.

Maybe with her dx, a better understanding of he symtoms and some new strategies, she can work towards a holiday, if that's what she wants.

Shelfdrived it was a one off.we live 250 miles away so I often spend a lot of time alone.
I agree though trying to please 3 adults can be taxing..
Everyone has their own perspective.

My 13yo son is diagnosed with OCD and hasn’t attended school for over a year. He’s on a very high dose of antidepressants. Maybe I should tell him life goes on and push him out the door. Everyone is different in how they cope. Having experience of a particular condition doesn’t make you the world’s leading authority on everyone else with similar diagnoses. I had OCD when I was a teenager and managed to get to school. I still don’t expect my child to be able to.

I'd be happy with those holidays! And that level of compromise.

DD also wears Loops earbuds when she is having a dizzy spell. Quite effective.

OP has not mentioned if she has any pets - dare I say to her - buy a dog? Pets are wonderful and dogs in particular truly love you. Who needs people?

I didn’t mean it like that and I am very sorry to hear about your child. OCD can be completing debilitating - I was extremely unwell when my son was born and I contemplated suicide. I am not minimising mental health.

My point was not that is not just ND people who are suffering and experiencing conditions that make like extremely difficult . I am sorry I didn’t make my point correctly and wish your child the best for the future. I hope they can improve with time.

You do realise that ND is a disability and "not liking shopping" is not, right?

Ah, fair enough. Sorry for jumping on you. And thank you for your good wishes.

Funnily enough we have 2 cats.Lockdown our family one was PTS after the dcs had 15 years of her.
I didn't rush to replace the empty nest until last year.
My new one is my spirit animal.Early riser and very happy to snuggle while I go endlessly on my phone.
Where I go he follows.😊

I dont think cramped cafes are nice for anyone so i’d much rather sit in a spacious cafe where you can properly relax and enjoy the drink. Before you meet, i’d make it clear if there are places you know you wont be ok in. If its busy everywhere, then I would just take yourself off for abit and they can go to the cafe of their choice. There will be times you will have to compromise or do your own thing.

Daughter stomping off is really sad though, especially when you dont live close.

Tara66 I agree 💯 %

It's about being accommodated when you have a disability

The problem is with ND conditions is you CANNOT accommodate everyone. Especially when some people have conditions but are not diagnosed yet? Or do you think only diagnosed people are disabled by their condition?

ND people often have conflicting needs. These often cannot all be accommodated at one time. If you put a group of autistic people together they won’t all want/need the same thing. And often those needs interfere with another persons needs and chaos starts.

It’s POSSIBLE the OPs husband and daughter also have ND conditions. What if they were? What if this was a family where the daughter needed to eat RIGHT NOW or she’d meltdown. But the OP needed to wait to find another place. Who’s needs gets pushed to the side? The other thing to remember is in people with ND conditions they mask. Then after a lot of masking they can meltdown. So what if the OPs daughter had been masking all day and putting her needs to one side and the cafe incident was the straw that broke her etc. There’s no way to know.

People seem to compare this to physical disabilities a lot. Firstly, you can normally accommodate many things in one place. Stairs AND ramp etc. Written AND spoken options. The issue with ND conditions is you often can’t. You can’t have a cafe that allows ND people to play phones/tablets out loud, allows noisy fidget toys, but is also quiet and calm at the same time. It’s just not possible. And this is where the argument that all ND disabilities MUST be accommodated at all times. They just cannot be.

People that do not have a ND diagnosis can also find certain situations very stressful, and shopping might be one of them. It's not the preserve of the ND, just because someone has the capability to keep a lid on their behaviour doesn't mean it's not taking a massive toll to do so. We all have preferences and requirements, and emotional reactions, some of them stronger than others. The diagnosis is not the answer, it's information in order for OP to make the adjustments she needs in order to cope better.

Lauralou19 I agree.
We can't see others sensitivities though.Maybe she thought the smoothies would be better.

How do you know the not liking shopping isn’t related to being ND? The OP was late diagnosed. She possibly went through a lot of life just thinking she didn’t like busy places or holidays. But when you haven’t been diagnosed you use different terms. If the husband and daughter of the OP get diagnosed they may change how they word things and say they cannot cope with shopping. Maybe the husband and daughter were masking all day in order to get through things related to a disability they do not yet have diagnosed.

It that worth dealing with for you? Serious question. It sounds exhausting.

We can't see others sensitivities though

It would seem that this is exactly what you're requiring of your DH and DD though? To work around your sensitivities. This is very likely not to do with smoothies, there seems to be an inability to accept that she is a human being with complex feelings, just like you are, just like your DH is?

I must say I always have fruit or a cereal bar and mints in my bag at all times to keep regulated when food is hours away.
I can go ages without lunch.

Mitheratians if I knew someone couldn't do crowds and had known this well over 30 years I wouldn't expect them to.
I understand my DM can't walk far so haven't expected her to walk to my house since df died years ago.
She can't.

What do you do with your DH and DD fpr fun?

But you want others to recognise yours? Indeed it is the whole ethos of your first post and feeling lonely is that others don’t see you yet you can’t see anyone ekse

which isn’t true becuase I think they probably do see it to some extent they just don’t front and centre it

which is right everything is a balance no one needs can be accommodated above all others