Page 12 | So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

Thevegetarianchef · 2025-09-09T06:22:43+00:00

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits. This has been helpful with regard to work relationships. Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months. We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back. They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe. I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before. DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious. Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand. I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

SallySuperTrooper · 09/09/2025 15:13

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 15:10

Huh?

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Think it's still a 'I'm right and bowing to their needs, they're awful to me' ?

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 15:16

SallySuperTrooper · 09/09/2025 15:13

Think it's still a 'I'm right and bowing to their needs, they're awful to me' ?

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Pretty much

all very strange.

3 adults…. None of whom come across as behaving well.

These family holidays must be…. Fraught

pinkdelight · 09/09/2025 15:43

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 15:09

Well this all kicked off massively.
We were shopping discussing whether to go back to the accommodation and get coffee and use up bits we had there.
A couple of steps in we see this cafe with big sofas rammed full.
I was still unsure when DD had a go and ran ahead.
I should've said ok you go in there.we walked another street and the next thing we were in m and s.
They ordered drinks and sat down while I mooched at clothes.
I joined then ten mins later drank my small coffee and we left.
While I'm realising it is not about me as I can and often do go without like when they grabbed ice cream.
We went away on our holiday nr DD so we could see her.
DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.
It wasn't a martyr thing to holiday near by it was planned.
DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.

DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

Those two things seem to contradict and cancel each other out. And the way you've rewritten the whole sequence of events now sounds like total non-event. Three people go shopping and have snacks, plus the underlying dynamics of a couple of 40 years who aren't perfect but have opted to rub along together. I'd focus on understanding yourself more and finding other likeminded connections to help with the loneliness as it doesn't sound like your family is going to change much at this point, assuming you stick together.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 15:48

DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.

DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

You are muddling your story OP depending on the post you’re responding to

Funnywonder · 09/09/2025 15:56

Jom222 · 09/09/2025 14:42

I have a dear old friend who suffers from severe depression and a few years ago was diagnosed with idk some variant of bipolar

she's diagnosed with something new annually so I always take the news with a large grain of salt. Has always been a hypochondriac which I mostly ignore bc she's also a wonderful lovely person.

She wanted me to read a book-a fucking BOOK- about her new ailment so I'd understand it and her.

I flat out refused, said I've known and loved you for over 40 years and I won't participate in this. You're literally the same woman you were yesterday.

I didn't tell her my real feelings of irritation and anger that she thought it was okay to expect me to join her on her masturbatory search for her inner self. She ended up being so disappointed in all her close friends and relatives, nobody wanted to read books or the many articles she sent us all.

OP your diagnoses is about YOU. Nobody else. YOU need to learn how to integrate your diagnoses into making your life better now. It's wrong to expect anyone else to be researching it or thinking about how to make your life better. That's your job-your friends and family love you but don't place this burden on them.

I do think asking you to read an entire book was a bit much. But what if your friend had asked you to read a couple of webpages? Surely that is a reasonable enough request. Of course it’s her diagnosis, but is it really so wrong of her to want the people she loves to have a little insight? Certainly when it comes to conditions such as ADHD and autism, where the person is possibly exhausted by years of masking, they might want to reduce the masking somewhat and would hope that there might be some understanding rather than just shock or surprise.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2025 16:02

Funnywonder · 09/09/2025 15:56

I do think asking you to read an entire book was a bit much. But what if your friend had asked you to read a couple of webpages? Surely that is a reasonable enough request. Of course it’s her diagnosis, but is it really so wrong of her to want the people she loves to have a little insight? Certainly when it comes to conditions such as ADHD and autism, where the person is possibly exhausted by years of masking, they might want to reduce the masking somewhat and would hope that there might be some understanding rather than just shock or surprise.

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I think that ignores the bulk of the context about how that friend has been for 40 years. It's clearly a long-term repeating pattern that the poster and all the other friends/family have got fed up of, not a new development that warrants attention.

Funnywonder · 09/09/2025 16:10

pinkdelight · 09/09/2025 16:02

I think that ignores the bulk of the context about how that friend has been for 40 years. It's clearly a long-term repeating pattern that the poster and all the other friends/family have got fed up of, not a new development that warrants attention.

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Then it isn’t relevant to this thread I guess.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2025 16:26

Funnywonder · 09/09/2025 16:10

Then it isn’t relevant to this thread I guess.

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It's not my post but I thought it was a relevant angle, especially as she's been friends with that person the same length of time that OP has been with DH, so the point about knowing them very well regardless of their diagnoses feels valid. And after 12 pages, the discussion can evolve.

WhatNoRaisins · 09/09/2025 16:59

OP obviously I don't know you but I can't help but notice in general that there are a lot of people with very high expectations about how much they expect everyone from family, friends, the public etc, to be informed about their particular condition. It's not always about being ND, it can be all sorts.

These expectations often won't be met and I think when it comes to loved ones it's better to condense it down to some need to know bullet points rather than feeling hard done by because they won't go away and "educate themselves".

Mitherations · 09/09/2025 17:05

Equimum · 09/09/2025 13:06

Oh I do get that, but I wonder how many time over the duration of her relationship and parenting OP has put everyone else's needs first. We cannot just assume that because she wanted something on this occasion, that she always expects this. Personally, I am wondering why everyone is so accepting that a presumably neurotypical adult allowed herself to get so hungry that she couldn't even tolerate a small wait for food! To me, that in itself is quite concerning - can we all just snap and expect the world to resolve around d us because we are hungry, when as an adult, she could have presumably expressed that need earlier so their was time for compromise. But everyone is quick to jump on the neurodivergent being h reasonable, even though here, it seems that someone else failing to express their need early enough may be the bigger issue.

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I think that what is even more obvious to me is that the DD moved hundreds of miles away and had returned for a rare visit, and was possibly at the end of her wits with the family dynamic still playing out, hence the storming off, hence the DH going after her to bring her back.

There is clearly much more at play here than hangriness, smoothies, there is ther perspective of a young woman who's grown up with a mother, and a DH who's partnered with a wife with a particular set of needs that let's face it, are not easy to live with. They're not. It's not a popular take, but it's a fact.

Shewasafaireh · 09/09/2025 17:14

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 15:09

Well this all kicked off massively.
We were shopping discussing whether to go back to the accommodation and get coffee and use up bits we had there.
A couple of steps in we see this cafe with big sofas rammed full.
I was still unsure when DD had a go and ran ahead.
I should've said ok you go in there.we walked another street and the next thing we were in m and s.
They ordered drinks and sat down while I mooched at clothes.
I joined then ten mins later drank my small coffee and we left.
While I'm realising it is not about me as I can and often do go without like when they grabbed ice cream.
We went away on our holiday nr DD so we could see her.
DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.
It wasn't a martyr thing to holiday near by it was planned.
DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

With kindness, I think there was probably a lot more at play with this outings that any of us would be able to gather from a one sided post.

Your language also seems to be a bit self victimising, “small coffee”, “often go without” - there’s no need for this, I doubt anyone would have stopped you from getting ice cream.

Maybe couples/family therapy is an option to consider down the line if it’s affordable.

Morningswim · 09/09/2025 17:24

Mitherations · 09/09/2025 17:05

I think that what is even more obvious to me is that the DD moved hundreds of miles away and had returned for a rare visit, and was possibly at the end of her wits with the family dynamic still playing out, hence the storming off, hence the DH going after her to bring her back.

There is clearly much more at play here than hangriness, smoothies, there is ther perspective of a young woman who's grown up with a mother, and a DH who's partnered with a wife with a particular set of needs that let's face it, are not easy to live with. They're not. It's not a popular take, but it's a fact.

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Totally agree.
Op can put her needs front and centre, but that may be at the detriment of her relationships.
It's rare we can have our cake and eat it

Espressosummer · 09/09/2025 18:08

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 15:09

Well this all kicked off massively.
We were shopping discussing whether to go back to the accommodation and get coffee and use up bits we had there.
A couple of steps in we see this cafe with big sofas rammed full.
I was still unsure when DD had a go and ran ahead.
I should've said ok you go in there.we walked another street and the next thing we were in m and s.
They ordered drinks and sat down while I mooched at clothes.
I joined then ten mins later drank my small coffee and we left.
While I'm realising it is not about me as I can and often do go without like when they grabbed ice cream.
We went away on our holiday nr DD so we could see her.
DH makes little attempt with the grown up dcs and I pointed out we could lose contact in the future.
It wasn't a martyr thing to holiday near by it was planned.
DH loves the dcs and is probably closer to DD through hobbies.

So you made them go to a quieter cafe but then ditched them for some of the time to continue shopping? Why couldn't they go to the cafe of their choice and then just bring you a takeaway coffee afterwards?

How did you go without when they grabbed ice cream? If you wanted an ice cream you should have got one as well. If you didn't want ice cream then you've had to what, queue with them for a few mins while they buy it. Hardly some massive compromise on your part.

With the ice cream bit and how you referred earlier to allowing them to get a meal when you only wanted snacks, you are honestly coming across as someone who wants to get their way the whole time and when you have to give for just a few minutes you think you've made some amazing sacrifice.

SallySuperTrooper · 09/09/2025 18:28

They ordered drinks and sat down while I mooched at clothes. So you didn't really want to eat/drank as you continued your shopping while they waited for you. Was the 'small coffee' and not having an ice cream a protest move?

whitewineandsun · 09/09/2025 18:32

So you made them go to a quieter cafe but then ditched them for some of the time to continue shopping? Why couldn't they go to the cafe of their choice and then just bring you a takeaway coffee afterwards?

Yes, seriously this! You made it sound originally like you were sitting down with them for some time and therefore had to go to M&S.

I would have been so annoyed!

Jom222 · 09/09/2025 18:39

Funnywonder · 09/09/2025 15:56

I do think asking you to read an entire book was a bit much. But what if your friend had asked you to read a couple of webpages? Surely that is a reasonable enough request. Of course it’s her diagnosis, but is it really so wrong of her to want the people she loves to have a little insight? Certainly when it comes to conditions such as ADHD and autism, where the person is possibly exhausted by years of masking, they might want to reduce the masking somewhat and would hope that there might be some understanding rather than just shock or surprise.

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oh she did send me many links to articles, blogs, websites etc as well a book title.

I declined to read them all. I respect that she (and OP) have had a diagnoses but again that is her diagnoses not mine. There's nothing in any of them that would cause me to change my interactions with her.

I love my friend deeply and unconditionally but that was my personal boundary (and funnily enough every other loved one declined this task too..bc it was fucking unreasonable)

I repeat my stance that this is OPs life, her diagnosis, her thing to learn to live with and I really hope she can learn some skills to help her in her daily life from all the sources she's expecting others to study. A little consideration from her H sure I can accept he may need to listen w/an open mind and possible adjust his behaviors in some instances but overall this is solely OP's life thus her responsibility to integrate into her current life.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:45

Jom222 · 09/09/2025 18:39

oh she did send me many links to articles, blogs, websites etc as well a book title.

I declined to read them all. I respect that she (and OP) have had a diagnoses but again that is her diagnoses not mine. There's nothing in any of them that would cause me to change my interactions with her.

I love my friend deeply and unconditionally but that was my personal boundary (and funnily enough every other loved one declined this task too..bc it was fucking unreasonable)

I repeat my stance that this is OPs life, her diagnosis, her thing to learn to live with and I really hope she can learn some skills to help her in her daily life from all the sources she's expecting others to study. A little consideration from her H sure I can accept he may need to listen w/an open mind and possible adjust his behaviors in some instances but overall this is solely OP's life thus her responsibility to integrate into her current life.

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Your friend sounded utterly desperate for you to read more about her condition. Desperate

SallySuperTrooper · 09/09/2025 18:49

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:45

Your friend sounded utterly desperate for you to read more about her condition. Desperate

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Or just desperate for the attention, given @Just3ok has said she's done this multiple times with multiple conditions?

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:50

SallySuperTrooper · 09/09/2025 18:49

Or just desperate for the attention, given @Just3ok has said she's done this multiple times with multiple conditions?

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Yes
but being desperate for attention is surely a desperate person.

A person who probably needs mental health support

WhatNoRaisins · 09/09/2025 18:56

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:45

Your friend sounded utterly desperate for you to read more about her condition. Desperate

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But this is just a layperson friend. Again, it's expecting too much.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 19:01

WhatNoRaisins · 09/09/2025 18:56

But this is just a layperson friend. Again, it's expecting too much.

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a very close friend
personally, if my very close friend of many years was desperately seeking attention and multiple times asking me to read up about her multiple conditions… I would be very concerned and speaking with her about getting professional support in some way.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2025 19:40

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 19:01

a very close friend
personally, if my very close friend of many years was desperately seeking attention and multiple times asking me to read up about her multiple conditions… I would be very concerned and speaking with her about getting professional support in some way.

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You'd likely be much less concerned if she'd always been like that for 40 years so you knew there was nothing to be concerned about because it's just how she is and she was in the loop for professional support anyway hence the various diagnoses. One person's desperation is not another's problem, or else we'd be advising victims to let stalkers into their house because they're desperate, bless em.

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 19:42

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:50

Yes
but being desperate for attention is surely a desperate person.

A person who probably needs mental health support

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Yes, and they need to find an outlet better suited to them. In other words a qualified professional.

A lay person who is a friend is not the appropriate outlet to read all sorts of literature about a condition. Who's got time for that. I don't have enough time to deal with my own problems. Let alone tiptoe around somebody else's and read lots of literature.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 19:51

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 19:42

Yes, and they need to find an outlet better suited to them. In other words a qualified professional.

A lay person who is a friend is not the appropriate outlet to read all sorts of literature about a condition. Who's got time for that. I don't have enough time to deal with my own problems. Let alone tiptoe around somebody else's and read lots of literature.

Edited

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Absolutely

my very close friend of many years who clearly has mental health issues… I’d be getting involved where I can.

the thing with having a mental health condition I imagine is that it makes it tricky for you to actually see the wood for the trees and get help

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 19:52

pinkdelight · 09/09/2025 19:40

You'd likely be much less concerned if she'd always been like that for 40 years so you knew there was nothing to be concerned about because it's just how she is and she was in the loop for professional support anyway hence the various diagnoses. One person's desperation is not another's problem, or else we'd be advising victims to let stalkers into their house because they're desperate, bless em.

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What that poster outlines sounds like someone with a fairly serious mental health condition