Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

331 replies

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 07:22

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

OP posts:
smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 07:53

DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

No one wants to read these articles, no one else is invested or interested to the extent that you are. Which is fine - they don’t have to be.

This makes me feel more isolated due to rejection sensitivity.

Sounds like you’re using this as a weapon to leverage against your family, a way to control them, and they’re fed up of it. It’s totally selfish on your part OP. The world doesn’t revolve around you and their needs are no less important than yours. You got your own way in the end, they went to the cafe you wanted, even though you haven’t seen your DD for a while and both she and your DH wanted to go somewhere different. You will end up lonely and isolated if you keep behaving like this. People won’t to be around you, and it’s a problem of your own making. A diagnosis isn’t a license to get your own way and force others into compliance with your wishes.

Plethorapeach · 09/09/2025 07:53

Relationships are about how you relate to other people and if you relate to other people by focussing on your own needs only and use the autism diagnosis to try to get others to focussing on your needs too then you are going to struggle massively in your interpersonal relationships.

I think there is an obvious pitfall of late diagnosis if people don’t use it to understand themself better and how they can meet their own needs and include in that an awareness of how much space they take up in interpersonal relationships then there is a real potential for them to try to use it to get other to focus on their needs and not leave enough room for the needs of other in their relationships.

Healthy relationships require balance and give and take in the pursuit of balance. If you don’t want those types of relationships then you are pursuing unhealthy relationships.

Your DH went shopping against his interest, your DD was hungry but compromised on location.

You got what you wanted but you are still on MN complaining that people in your family are not only focussed on you and what you want. How much are you willing to put into your relationships?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 07:54

@arethereanyleftatall I never said a single thing about getting your way all the time Confused

KateMiskin · 09/09/2025 07:55

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 07:52

Ilovewhales I didn't say it was because of my ADHD.
I hesitated because I could see it was cramped and most likely hot.
I think it's better to be honest than being miserable which is why I rarely go out and spoil others time.

No, I think you should be miserable sometimes. Not going to see your DD because you cant manage public transport affects your DH, I assume.
I say this as a mum of a DD with a chronic illness. But I don't allow her to make everything about her. She has to rub along with the world.

UnimatrixZeroOne · 09/09/2025 07:55

You sound like a bit of a pathetic martyr.

BuddyGiveOver · 09/09/2025 07:55

I think your wording is making you come across a bit adolescent when I'm sure that's not the case.

No, she shouldn't have snapped or stormed off.

No, they probably don't fully understand your autism and adhd, but it is a new diagnosis, so that is to be expected. It doesn't mean you are alone or being victimised.

ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 07:58

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 07:52

Ilovewhales I didn't say it was because of my ADHD.
I hesitated because I could see it was cramped and most likely hot.
I think it's better to be honest than being miserable which is why I rarely go out and spoil others time.

But you got on your soap box about autism. Just say you don't like the cafe.

Over such a small decision, you've come online to say, you're lonely and misunderstood by your family.

Yoyr family also Don't understand your autism just because you didn't want to go to hot cramped cafe.

I'll be cautious about where this is headed.

For your own sake, it seems to be you re using it as an excuse for everything and isolating yourself, whereas it's just natural differences and people's preferences, we all like different things. It would be a boring world if we didn't.

Shockingly, i've got enough problems of my own to the extent where I don't wander around constantly thinking, what can my partner not cope with. They were allowed to have a lapse. I am allowed to consider what I'd like also.

zaazaazoom · 09/09/2025 07:59

UnimatrixZeroOne · 09/09/2025 07:55

You sound like a bit of a pathetic martyr.

Someone got out of bed the wrong side. Maybe it's time.to remember if you haven't got anythjng nice to say, keep.yer gob shut.

Magsbd · 09/09/2025 08:00

Sounds like DD has a problem managing her temper.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 08:02

Op…. I think you need to see the diagnosis is a step forward in your own development.

Not a card you can thrown down whenever you want your way.

your daughter and husband fancied a particular experience. Fine, it wasn’t what you felt comfortable with. However occasionally, just suck it up. We all have to occasionally for loved ones.

Having said that…. No one comes across as particularly nice or accommodating in this scenario

Cucy · 09/09/2025 08:03

I don’t understand why your diagnosis is relevant - surely they’ve lived with you and known you for years and so they’re used to your likes and dislikes.

She shouldn’t have stormed off but mum mum will be really picky about going to a place that we’ve all decided and it’s got to be a place of her choosing - which is pure selfishness and needing to be in control and it has led to frustration over the years.
She was only happy if we went somewhere she chose.

It does sort of read like you expect everyone to do what you want but it’s hard to judge without us being there.

smallpinecone · 09/09/2025 08:06

Magsbd · 09/09/2025 08:00

Sounds like DD has a problem managing her temper.

Maybe she’s fed up with the world revolving around her DM, to the extent that her DM doesn’t make the effort to visit her… DD would have liked the cafe while she was visiting, but has to cater to OP’s wishes - she’s probably had enough of her needs never being factored in.

Tiswa · 09/09/2025 08:09

Having a diagnosis doesn’t just mean acceptance and having everyone adapt around it it means focusing and seeing what can be done to broaden your life.

CancelTheTableAlan · 09/09/2025 08:09

I feel very sorry for you OP, I think you've been managing around things for a long long time, and feeling terrible all the time. Depression. Anxiety. Now finally here is the diagnosis and you can start to unwrap it, you're not a horrible or inflexible person but someone who has always struggled.

However there's a long part of the journey still to go, you and your family coming to terms with your real self and working out how you make accommodations for the world and how it makes accommodations for you. It isnt easy - these sort of painful occasions where everyone doesn't get it quite right, are quite usual.

Your daughter may also be ND by the way, or may not, in any case she's on her own journey to find out about it.

I think you should seek support from therapy or other reputable support groups to help you work out your own new boundaries and how to engage with other people about it all. That's not the same as "always getting your needs met at others' expense" but it also doesn't mean "just shutting up and masking" like you have also always done.

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending your DH resources to read. It's good, why wouldn't he read them and understand this important thing for you? It just takes time for your family to absorb the implications. They don't sound specially caring or thoughtful but (like many posters on this thread) they haven't really thought about it before, and impatience and disbelief is a common first stage. It is a learning journey for them too. I would lower your expectations for yourself and family for a while. Just do less, or do things more slowly, or whatever you need.

One of us was diagnosed just before a holiday, it was the weirdest holiday ever, as we were much more shocked and surprised than we all realised. As it sunk in, all the normal things we used to do had to be revisited and thought about in a different light. It's not that "suddenly a diagnosis stops you doing something you once did". But when you are aware of what your feelings and responses really mean, often you can't just carry on as before.

You can't snap back to how you were, the knowledge does change you. Like ...when people on here realise they are in an abusive relationship, things they were doing and putting up with from their partner are plainly revealed as intolerable and they can't go back. Or realising that parents are toxic, or something like that. Not perfect analogies but I'm trying to express the idea that you can be mildly and subconsciously aware something is painful, and do it for years - but when you learn and fully understand that it harms you, and why, you simply can't block out the pain and distress after that realisation.

However you also can't snap straight into a "new normal", for the family, it takes a bit of trial and error. Good luck x

reversegear · 09/09/2025 08:12

It’s very tedious when people define everything about their daily life based on a diagnosis mental or physical. I have endometriosis a very physically painful chronic condition that has changed my entire life. I don’t tell people about it on a daily basis I don’t make people change plans because of it, I manage it myself and yes it feels lonely when people don’t understand but that’s life and I’m my own person with my own issues and needs

i also hate cramped spaces!

KateMiskin · 09/09/2025 08:13

CancelTheTableAlan · 09/09/2025 08:09

I feel very sorry for you OP, I think you've been managing around things for a long long time, and feeling terrible all the time. Depression. Anxiety. Now finally here is the diagnosis and you can start to unwrap it, you're not a horrible or inflexible person but someone who has always struggled.

However there's a long part of the journey still to go, you and your family coming to terms with your real self and working out how you make accommodations for the world and how it makes accommodations for you. It isnt easy - these sort of painful occasions where everyone doesn't get it quite right, are quite usual.

Your daughter may also be ND by the way, or may not, in any case she's on her own journey to find out about it.

I think you should seek support from therapy or other reputable support groups to help you work out your own new boundaries and how to engage with other people about it all. That's not the same as "always getting your needs met at others' expense" but it also doesn't mean "just shutting up and masking" like you have also always done.

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending your DH resources to read. It's good, why wouldn't he read them and understand this important thing for you? It just takes time for your family to absorb the implications. They don't sound specially caring or thoughtful but (like many posters on this thread) they haven't really thought about it before, and impatience and disbelief is a common first stage. It is a learning journey for them too. I would lower your expectations for yourself and family for a while. Just do less, or do things more slowly, or whatever you need.

One of us was diagnosed just before a holiday, it was the weirdest holiday ever, as we were much more shocked and surprised than we all realised. As it sunk in, all the normal things we used to do had to be revisited and thought about in a different light. It's not that "suddenly a diagnosis stops you doing something you once did". But when you are aware of what your feelings and responses really mean, often you can't just carry on as before.

You can't snap back to how you were, the knowledge does change you. Like ...when people on here realise they are in an abusive relationship, things they were doing and putting up with from their partner are plainly revealed as intolerable and they can't go back. Or realising that parents are toxic, or something like that. Not perfect analogies but I'm trying to express the idea that you can be mildly and subconsciously aware something is painful, and do it for years - but when you learn and fully understand that it harms you, and why, you simply can't block out the pain and distress after that realisation.

However you also can't snap straight into a "new normal", for the family, it takes a bit of trial and error. Good luck x

She hasn't been shutting up and masking though. She has been avoiding visiting her daughter, eating out, going to the theatre or cimema, or going anywhere for years, as I understand.

nomas · 09/09/2025 08:14

Springadorable · 09/09/2025 07:24

To them you are the person you always have been. The diagnosis doesn't change that. It will probably help you understand yourself a bit more, and be interesting to you, but it isn't your whole identity and they don't want it to become that when they've known you for so long already.

My NT mum lives 5 minutes away and I would always let her pick where she wants to eat.

OP’s dd lives hundreds of miles away, it wouldn’t have hurt the dd to go with her mum’s choice.

Some of these posts are just intolerant of older women with ADHD.

DaphneduM · 09/09/2025 08:14

Don't let autism define who you are. First and foremost you are a wife and mother - sometimes we have to put others first. If you focus on your diagnosis rather than living your life in as positive manner as you can, you are asking for problems with your relationships. Your daughter will distance herself further. I would be texting her today, if I were you, and apologise.

Agapornis · 09/09/2025 08:16

As an autistic person I learnt

  1. don't invite people to my hobbies and interests unless they have same level of interest i.e. don't go shopping with them.
  2. sometimes I'm wrong
  3. some people will struggle to accept you're autistic (my mum, who doesn't like labels)

Edit: agoraphobia isn't autism

Plethorapeach · 09/09/2025 08:17

nomas · 09/09/2025 08:14

My NT mum lives 5 minutes away and I would always let her pick where she wants to eat.

OP’s dd lives hundreds of miles away, it wouldn’t have hurt the dd to go with her mum’s choice.

Some of these posts are just intolerant of older women with ADHD.

Show quote history

No that isn’t it. The OP really seems to have in hand thinking of her own experiences, that appears to be something she has consistently been doing before and after diagnosis. Where she appears to be showing serious deficits is considering others in her life. That is why she is getting a hard time.

I have a lot of ASD in my family, DH, two kids with it, they all have challenges, they are all capable of integrating others needs along with their own. The OP has a body of work to do on herself in this regard.

Original poster
Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 08:18

Sorry yes I muddied the waters with mentioning my diagnosis.
The real issue is DD and at times DH have temper tantrums and although they come round after they never apologize.
It does make me wonder why they blow up or sulk.
We compromised all weekend and all the meals were their preference and TV was football.

OP posts:
ILoveWhales · 09/09/2025 08:19

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 08:18

Sorry yes I muddied the waters with mentioning my diagnosis.
The real issue is DD and at times DH have temper tantrums and although they come round after they never apologize.
It does make me wonder why they blow up or sulk.
We compromised all weekend and all the meals were their preference and TV was football.

Well, that's one heck of a drip feed.

You opened your post with i'm lonely and misunderstood, and they wouldn't go to a cafe.I wanted because i'm autistic, and then you come out with that.

Macaroni46 · 09/09/2025 08:19

So you are flippant about your DD being hungry yet expect everyone to pander to your needs. You sound like hard work.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 08:19

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 08:18

Sorry yes I muddied the waters with mentioning my diagnosis.
The real issue is DD and at times DH have temper tantrums and although they come round after they never apologize.
It does make me wonder why they blow up or sulk.
We compromised all weekend and all the meals were their preference and TV was football.

What? The entire crux of your OP was about your diagnosis. From start to finish.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 08:21

Thevegetarianchef · 09/09/2025 08:18

Sorry yes I muddied the waters with mentioning my diagnosis.
The real issue is DD and at times DH have temper tantrums and although they come round after they never apologize.
It does make me wonder why they blow up or sulk.
We compromised all weekend and all the meals were their preference and TV was football.

So now it’s nothing to do with your diagnosis

and basically an unhappy family made up of 3 stubborn / angry / unhappy adults