To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

[TheJoyOfWriting]

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

100% agree

I hadn't realised that people who don't do casual sex had such strong opinions about those who do.

It makes no sense, and reminds me of people who are against abortion rights. They can't seem to grasp that nobody's trying to make them sleep around or have abortions. They want to stop everyone doing those things, and react to counter-arguments as if everyone wants to make them do the same.

People with more 'liberal' attitudes generally extend them to people who make different choices for their own lives, we aren't reflections of the illiberal.

... Searching for an apolitical simile here ... I don't want a dog. This doesn't mean I think dogs should be banned or there's something wrong with people who have dogs. I just don't want one for myself. That's OK, isn't it? In the same vein, I don't think people should stop having casual sex and abortions if those things are right for them.

<sighs and gives up>

It's completely relevant because it explains why women aren't as into casual sex as men are. Men don't have to worry about their safety if they go off to fuck some stranger they just met. They know with near certainty the women they choose aren't going to be man-hating serial killers or force them to do things sexually that they don't want to do. Women absolutely do not have the same privilege.

Absolutely. This is THE major consideration. We're also more vulnerable to STDs and, of course, pregnancy. It isn't realistically possible to do a comparison because the risk/benefit equation is so different for men vs women.

Interestingly, though, scientists can directly compare arousal levels (via skin & genital sensors). Turns out women are every bit as horny as men - and, in some studies, a lot more.

Women manage not to act impetuously on our urges (until we've done a risk assessment of some sort) so there's no excuse for men claiming to be overwhelmed by theirs!

If men don't have the same risk assessment to carry out initially then does that not explain why they might be more likely to act impetuously on their urges.

Yes, yes it does! It's still bloody annoying when they go on about how important and irresistible their urges are.

Change who you listen to then 😊

It’s nothing to do with being ‘liberal’

You are incorrectly assuming it comes from a moral standpoint. Well it doesn’t. It comes from an emotional one. And this is what does my head in. People ‘assume’ so much. They judge you on this, just like other people claim to be judged.

I 100% support abortion
I’m a left wing socislust
I hate tradition
I’m a republican.
I’m a feminist.
l have excellent social skills and l’m not shy.

But l don’t want anyone to use me. So l protect myself. I don’t have particularly strong views about who sleeps with who, But from an emotional standpoint l do. I don’t want to sleep around. The thought of it makes me feel queasy. I don’t want a partner whose slept around a lot, Thay also makes me feel queasy.

This is about me. Not a judgement on anyone else. Casual sex gives me the ick.

And if it gives you the ick you dont need to do it.

Yep shame them men are hypocrites they want women then will go on to degrade them and its the woman who gets a name. I'm not saying all men but quite alot.

Hi, sorry for the absence.

I'm sorry this thread was quite provocatively & insensitivity phrased.

I'd been feeling quite pessimistic about sexism recently & was thinking maybe there's no solution to things like slut shaming etc, so at least they should be equally applied.

But that's wrong.

No one should be shamed just for having multiple partners

At least an interesting discussion has got going. I've read a lot to challenge my thoughts on this thread.

I'm thinking now of several questions in particular :

Is it worse to have sex you regret than to do other things you regret?

Do women overall like casual sex more than studies suggest?

Is the widespread dislike of hookup culture, esp college/uni style or Tinder, less about casual sex per se and more about related factors like peer pressure, alcohol causing bad decisions, and partners who aren't known well or bonded at all and are careless about whether tye woman enjoys it?

How much of an effect has porn/the internet/online dating/Onlyfans had?

Does promiscuity before marriage make divorce more likely? If so, why?

Do most men dislike promiscuous women, at least in terms of marriage but only discuss this among other men? Or is it only a vocal but smaller group of men? Or somewhere in the middle?

Thank you to all who've replied, this has been such an interesting discussion. 👍

Hi, I was just thinking more about this point as was reading about the impact of the Pill. It only became available to unmarried women in 1967, so that explains why the sexual revolution only really got going in the latter part of the 1960s.

On condoms, another reason apparently why they were less popular was that you had to ask for them at the chemist whereas the Pill could be handed over discreetly without saying what it was, if you got it on prescription.

Also another factor I think was that condoms were heavier & less pleasant to use back then.

Oh, haha, you've reminded me of my Saturday job in Boots! All these men dying of embarrassment on asking a teenage girl for Durex or 'protectives'. Worse still, they came in different sizes so, unless the bloke was practised at ordering quietly, I had to ask them what size! We didn't sell many small 😏

Some men dithered for ages, bought some cough syrup or deodorant, looked really ashamed, left the shop, came back again, dithered, bought sticking plasters, left, came back ... I used to feel really sorry for them, but asking if they wanted 'something else' made them even more embarrassed.

That's terrible, poor men! 🤣 It isn't fun to do that, at least you can order online now.

Boots is certainly a very educational place, when I was 8 I learnt what chlamydia was from looking at the leaflets. Hard for my poor mum to explain 🤣

My gran has a book of Michael Parkinson interview transcripts & in the Dustin Hoffman one, Hoffman said for a scene in The Graduate where Benjamin has to act embarrassed (I forget which) he remembered how he'd felt when he had to go and get 'prophylactics' for the first time. I imagine 1950s US would have been even stricter than the UK then..Esp if you lived in a close-knit area. I'm so glad it's different now!

I’m not sure about being shamed but, I do wish men would be more truthful and honest about what they want.

Im 3 years post divorced. I recently ventured into dating again. Just coffee and maybe the odd drink/lunch here and there. Then met a man who thought I was wonderful. Clever, beautiful… all that. For three months we went out, went for walks, did the dates had a lovely time. I slept with him last weekend. I wanted to, no one made be do it.

His texting and reaching out has fallen off a cliff. I did the “lighthearted” stuff. No pressure, had a lovely time… what shall we do next? stuff but his contact is now minimal “Good morning how’re you doing?” I’m really busy etc etc. I’m upset.

Should I be? Or am I a bit naive or stupid? Back in the day I’ve had casual relationships. I even did a one night stand that lasted all year but this? This has been horrible. He said all the right things… wanted a relationship, wanted a life companion, I was like no one he’d been out with before (🤷🏼‍♀️🤨) and now … breadcrumbs. Maybe, I should have waited longer to have sex with him but honestly, it seemed right at the time. Some friends were of the opinion that a few months was too soon. Having been married for twenty years, I’m VERY out of touch!

Is he promiscuous? Don’t know. I just wish he’d said at the start “I’m looking for something very casual or just friends”. I’d have gone for the friends bit but not the casual!

I might be being naive too, but maybe he is actually busy? Three months dating is not exactly a quick shag, if that was what he was after. I think if he wasn't actually interested in a relationship he'd have long since given up.