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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:27

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:09

There's a difference between taking control and being a BDSM Dominant in a D/S dynamic. You know that very well.

Edited

To add to this, obvs there are women who like their male partner to take more of a dominant or at least active role in the bedroom. But that doesn't mean they're automatically in a Dom/Sub relationship.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:29

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 22:25

The true meaning of ignorant is 'not knowing'. We're all ignorant of more stuff than not and, at the beginning of adult life, it's natural and expected to be ignorant about most things.

But, anyhow, the PP didn't use that word and your reply is gracious.

Thank you, yes, that's more the sense I meant it. Obvs reflecting I can see that it can also ofc mean someone who's extremely ill-informed and I know pp didn't mean it that harshly.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:40

Thinking a bit more on why women may report enjoying casual sex less...

Another issue is obvs safety. We all know the stories about US campus rape culture, and there are ofc issues in the UK too. Women hooking up with randoms or even acquaintances in a uni etc setting or vja Tinder etc are probs much more likely to be worried about safety, with good reason, which would impact their enjoyment. Probs why women with long term FWBs seem to report better experiences (and also in long term there would be more chance to ensure the man wasn't just focusing on his own plessure)

I remember reading one study which seemed really silly. The study got a woman to stand on a street and proposition a lot of random men, then got a man to do similar to women. Obvs most men were happy to go off with the woman, while women all said no to the man in disgust.
But that study doesn't really prove much bc 1. Women would ofc have safety concerns which would not apply to men so much (tho it still seems v naive for the men to agree to go off with some random woman) and 2. Preferring not to have sex with a random stranger (esp as men don't normally act that way unless they're v odd) doesn't mean women necessarily enjoy uncommitted sex less, just that they'd prefer not to have it with street corner strangers, wisely!

OP posts:
NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 22:43

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:28

I never said you were ignorant. That is your word.

and you are young. 19, objectively, is young.

OP has a habit of adding words to what you've said tbh...

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 22:46

I think the OP is spiralling again, as she was supposed to be leaving the thread an hour ago.

itsoktonotbeokitstrue · 09/09/2025 22:56

Hmmm. I think it up to individuals to live their lives as they see fit.
Women shouldn’t be shamed and neither should men. It’s personal choice. Sex means different things to different people.
Id prob get judged as my “count” is very low, it’s nobody’s business but mine. I personally have to be in a loving relationship and I have been in one for 21 years now. I wouldn’t be interested in a man who had casual sex, but if they do and it works for them that’s great. So no judgements just wouldn’t be my cup of tea.

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 23:17

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:13

Stop being so ridiculous. Lots of women have posted on this thread saying they love casual sex, and I've not called them liars, bc I believe them.

I just think they're not typical of the majority.

You don't sound like you believe them...

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 23:18

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:27

To add to this, obvs there are women who like their male partner to take more of a dominant or at least active role in the bedroom. But that doesn't mean they're automatically in a Dom/Sub relationship.

D/S relationships can extend far beyond "just" sex and can be hugely therapeutic for the participants...

But it's a kink so bad...

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 23:19

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:40

Thinking a bit more on why women may report enjoying casual sex less...

Another issue is obvs safety. We all know the stories about US campus rape culture, and there are ofc issues in the UK too. Women hooking up with randoms or even acquaintances in a uni etc setting or vja Tinder etc are probs much more likely to be worried about safety, with good reason, which would impact their enjoyment. Probs why women with long term FWBs seem to report better experiences (and also in long term there would be more chance to ensure the man wasn't just focusing on his own plessure)

I remember reading one study which seemed really silly. The study got a woman to stand on a street and proposition a lot of random men, then got a man to do similar to women. Obvs most men were happy to go off with the woman, while women all said no to the man in disgust.
But that study doesn't really prove much bc 1. Women would ofc have safety concerns which would not apply to men so much (tho it still seems v naive for the men to agree to go off with some random woman) and 2. Preferring not to have sex with a random stranger (esp as men don't normally act that way unless they're v odd) doesn't mean women necessarily enjoy uncommitted sex less, just that they'd prefer not to have it with street corner strangers, wisely!

How safe women feel isn't the topic of discussion though

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 23:25

What I don't understand is this.

The OP keeps stating she accepts some women enjoy promiscuous sex, but that she doesn't believe there are as many some people claim.

So why does she think shaming them is a good idea?

If (as she clearly believes) some women feel forced into it, why doesn't she disagree with shaming them?

What a horrible attitude.

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 03:21

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 20:44

Who is being subtly peer pressured into anal sex? What does that look like?

You don't think the proliferation of smartphones and 24/7 access to pornography has had any effect on people's private sex lives? You sound foolishly naive.

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 03:24

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 20:55

FFS. "Like a car". You've got a real talent for an offensive turn of phrase.

They were in love.

Isn't that what testing compatibility is? It's a test drive, it doesn't sound very loving because it isn't, if potential marraige and the continuation of the relationship depends on sexual performance. Love is about so very much more. True live and intimacy is surely about figuring it out together.

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 03:31

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 22:26

Pressured means it's not fully consensual...

I see young girls of about 15/16 wearing false eyelashes, daily and vaping. These are expensive lifestyle choices for these kids. And so unnecessary. They go around in little groups, I imagine each individually didn't arrive at the decision to spontaneously start vaping and wearing false eyelashes. I imagine the fact they want to fit in has a lot to do with it. We call this peer pressure don't we? But we don't look at them and think that they're not actually consenting to do any of those things.... because of course we consent all the time to allow people to do things if we genuinely freely chose we wouldn't, it doesn't invalidate the consent, we have consented.

InterIgnis · 10/09/2025 04:11

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 03:24

Isn't that what testing compatibility is? It's a test drive, it doesn't sound very loving because it isn't, if potential marraige and the continuation of the relationship depends on sexual performance. Love is about so very much more. True live and intimacy is surely about figuring it out together.

The notion that love and marriage are inextricably linked is a relatively modern western value tbf. Personally, I would never, and didn’t, hitch my wagon to someone I hadn’t test drove. Also important were shared values, and financial compatibility.

Of course, the degree of importance placed on sexual compatibility varies considerably depending on the individual, but it is not an unimportant aspect at all (personally, I would never, and didn’t, hitch my wagon to someone I hadn’t test drove). Is that to say it’s the whole of love? Of course not. The same applies to other important considerations such shared values, and financial compatibility. Parts of that which makes the whole.

CommissarySushi · 10/09/2025 05:36

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 03:21

You don't think the proliferation of smartphones and 24/7 access to pornography has had any effect on people's private sex lives? You sound foolishly naive.

Of course I do. I still think it's a separate issue to casual sex.

Duechristmas · 10/09/2025 05:58

Titasaducksarse · 08/09/2025 22:30

I had some bloody fantastic one night stands. No one got pregnant, or an STD or murdered.
All good. My body count is probably considered high but I've never been slut shamed...it's called free willing sex!

Edited

This! There is nothing wrong with consensual sex for any gender.

Remingtonsteele · 10/09/2025 08:08

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:27

To add to this, obvs there are women who like their male partner to take more of a dominant or at least active role in the bedroom. But that doesn't mean they're automatically in a Dom/Sub relationship.

So I asked before but I’ll try again. When does a preference become a kink in your mind?

when does FLR tip into Femdom? Or doesn’t it?

What do you mean when you are talking about a bad kink?

NoThanksNeeded · 10/09/2025 09:39

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 03:31

I see young girls of about 15/16 wearing false eyelashes, daily and vaping. These are expensive lifestyle choices for these kids. And so unnecessary. They go around in little groups, I imagine each individually didn't arrive at the decision to spontaneously start vaping and wearing false eyelashes. I imagine the fact they want to fit in has a lot to do with it. We call this peer pressure don't we? But we don't look at them and think that they're not actually consenting to do any of those things.... because of course we consent all the time to allow people to do things if we genuinely freely chose we wouldn't, it doesn't invalidate the consent, we have consented.

Every single thing we do is a choice

Teens are able, and do, make bad choices as well as good ones

That doesn't mean they didn't consent by making that bad choice

"Huh everyone else seems to do it so I'll try it too" is not the same as "I don't want to do this but he won't shut up unless I do so I'll say yes to make it easier"

BauhausOfEliott · 10/09/2025 10:17

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:09

There's a difference between taking control and being a BDSM Dominant in a D/S dynamic. You know that very well.

Edited

OK, so where are you drawing your line? What’s ’taking control’ and what’s ‘domination’ in the bedroom? What difference does it make if both parties are consenting and enjoying it? If being handcuffed, gagged and spanked with a paddle is much more enjoyable and fulfilling for someone than being swept off her feet and ‘made love to’ on a bed scattered with rose petals, what do you suggest she does?

Is it better for her to keep quiet about her masochistic desires and have a sex life she doesn’t really enjoy very much, instead of exploring what she likes and having an incredible time doing it? Because society has decided it’s unsafe and immoral and that women can’t possibly really enjoy that kind of thing?

That doesn’t sound like feminism or ‘women taking control’ to me. It sounds like repressive, misogynist slut-shaming.

It sounds very much to me as if the difference for you is simply that you find one palatable and not the other.

Same applies the other way around. If a couple have a much better time in the bedroom when the man gets blindfolded, pegged, slapped and called a worthless little fuck-toy by the woman, why is better for either men or women to repress that mutual desire because people who happen not to share it have told them that’s not acceptable?

Remingtonsteele · 10/09/2025 10:20

BauhausOfEliott · 10/09/2025 10:17

OK, so where are you drawing your line? What’s ’taking control’ and what’s ‘domination’ in the bedroom? What difference does it make if both parties are consenting and enjoying it? If being handcuffed, gagged and spanked with a paddle is much more enjoyable and fulfilling for someone than being swept off her feet and ‘made love to’ on a bed scattered with rose petals, what do you suggest she does?

Is it better for her to keep quiet about her masochistic desires and have a sex life she doesn’t really enjoy very much, instead of exploring what she likes and having an incredible time doing it? Because society has decided it’s unsafe and immoral and that women can’t possibly really enjoy that kind of thing?

That doesn’t sound like feminism or ‘women taking control’ to me. It sounds like repressive, misogynist slut-shaming.

It sounds very much to me as if the difference for you is simply that you find one palatable and not the other.

Same applies the other way around. If a couple have a much better time in the bedroom when the man gets blindfolded, pegged, slapped and called a worthless little fuck-toy by the woman, why is better for either men or women to repress that mutual desire because people who happen not to share it have told them that’s not acceptable?

I’ve asked this but I don’t think @TheJoyOfWriting has answered.

where does FLR end and femdom begin? Which, if either, is acceptable? And if neither, what does “taking control” in the bedroom look like? And what’s the difference between that and a kink?

NumberInthestars426843 · 10/09/2025 10:24

Body count is not a new phenomenon

I remember discussing this with my male friends 40+ years ago

Apparantly, males are seen as more manly, the more people that they have had sex with

I do not think that it will ever change

However, it was not the same for females

SwingTheMonkey · 10/09/2025 17:10

BlueJuniper94 · 09/09/2025 20:33

I really don't. There are good reasons to wait. It is not something I did but I admire those who do. Sex on first or second dates rarely lead to marriage

🙋🏻‍♀️ 16 years of very happy marriage so far. And we had sex on the first ‘date’.

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 20:10

NoThanksNeeded · 10/09/2025 09:39

Every single thing we do is a choice

Teens are able, and do, make bad choices as well as good ones

That doesn't mean they didn't consent by making that bad choice

"Huh everyone else seems to do it so I'll try it too" is not the same as "I don't want to do this but he won't shut up unless I do so I'll say yes to make it easier"

Yes exactly. People make bad choices because of their "choice environment". This can be consenting to sex that they know will likely make them unhappy and they will not enjoy - but they see some other gain. That's still consent. And that's exactly the point I'm making about consent being a pathetically low bar, and much sex that is being consented to, is still morally not great.

TheJoyOfWriting · 10/09/2025 21:22

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 20:10

Yes exactly. People make bad choices because of their "choice environment". This can be consenting to sex that they know will likely make them unhappy and they will not enjoy - but they see some other gain. That's still consent. And that's exactly the point I'm making about consent being a pathetically low bar, and much sex that is being consented to, is still morally not great.

Very important point. 👍

OP posts:
NoThanksNeeded · 10/09/2025 21:28

BlueJuniper94 · 10/09/2025 20:10

Yes exactly. People make bad choices because of their "choice environment". This can be consenting to sex that they know will likely make them unhappy and they will not enjoy - but they see some other gain. That's still consent. And that's exactly the point I'm making about consent being a pathetically low bar, and much sex that is being consented to, is still morally not great.

If you know something will make you unhappy and you still consent to it... that's entirely on you.

You consented. You gave permission

You can't blame society