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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:43

BlueJuniper94 · 09/09/2025 20:42

It's weird you know about your parents test driving each other like a car 😂

It isn’t in the least bit sensible to marry someone if you don’t know that you’re compatible sexually!

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:43

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:28

Let’s see all the things I’m doing wrong according to the op.

divorced. Because that’s not ideal for having children. Shame no one told my ex before he cheated on me but let’s not forget to heap a lot of guilt on me because I’m female.

having a lot of sex after said divorce. If all sorts and all flavours. FWB. Fuck buddies. ONSs. And even some I don’t remember the name of. My bad. Oops.

Kinky sex too. And plenty of it. And I guarantee you won’t have a clue what some of the kinks I’ve come across are. Because they’re all sorts of everything. Some are formulaic, but that sort tends to be boring, to be fair.

No promises of exclusivity or monogamy given out by me.

And it’s no one’s business but mine and the people I’m shagging.

No one. Not anyone. Gets to sit in judgement on me. Im having fun. I’m living my life. I tell no lies and I am unfailingly honest in my relationships. And if the bloke of the moment doesn’t like what I’m offering he’s free to leave at any time.

You and no one else will ever shame me.

You’d be better worrying about the poor sods trapped in loveless and abusive marriages than worry about me who’s having a great time.

Edited

Ofc I don't see anything wrong w divorce if you've been cheated on! A good thing you're rid of such a nasty person. Ditto if partner is abusive. I'm really sorry that most post came across as disapproving of divorce in those circumstances.

And I think I said upthread (I get if you haven't seen, I know I've posted a lot) that I think FWBs and casual sex in general are probs much less problematic for older people, esp women. You know what you want w more certainty than younger women often do, female sex drive peaks in the 30s so it makes sense women might enjoy casual sex more later, and FWB situations are safer etc

As I've said, I'm still working out what I think. I think atm that probs the core issues of unethical promiscuous male behaviour & pressure on women are more prevalent in late teens & 20s. Another factor would be that men's sex drive peaks at that age so that might explain why fuckboy-type behaviour is more prevalent then. Obvs not am excuse, although these types might say it is.

I still think that online dating probs causes similar issues re unethical male behaviour fir older age groups but that's obvs not the same thing as casual sex per se..

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 20:44

BlueJuniper94 · 09/09/2025 20:41

How are you defining "pressure". Subtle peer pressure is still pressure, it doesn't negate the validity of consent

Who is being subtly peer pressured into anal sex? What does that look like?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:45

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 20:38

What's grey sex?

Sex where there's a moral grey area in that consent was given but unethical things still happened - often committed by the man, but could be by the woman.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:46

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:43

Ofc I don't see anything wrong w divorce if you've been cheated on! A good thing you're rid of such a nasty person. Ditto if partner is abusive. I'm really sorry that most post came across as disapproving of divorce in those circumstances.

And I think I said upthread (I get if you haven't seen, I know I've posted a lot) that I think FWBs and casual sex in general are probs much less problematic for older people, esp women. You know what you want w more certainty than younger women often do, female sex drive peaks in the 30s so it makes sense women might enjoy casual sex more later, and FWB situations are safer etc

As I've said, I'm still working out what I think. I think atm that probs the core issues of unethical promiscuous male behaviour & pressure on women are more prevalent in late teens & 20s. Another factor would be that men's sex drive peaks at that age so that might explain why fuckboy-type behaviour is more prevalent then. Obvs not am excuse, although these types might say it is.

I still think that online dating probs causes similar issues re unethical male behaviour fir older age groups but that's obvs not the same thing as casual sex per se..

Your ageism is showing.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:47

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:45

Sex where there's a moral grey area in that consent was given but unethical things still happened - often committed by the man, but could be by the woman.

What do you see as unethical? Can you give an example?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:48

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 20:44

Who is being subtly peer pressured into anal sex? What does that look like?

If everyone else acts like it's normal & cool, etc. Honestly I don't really discuss sex w most of my friends (at least not my straight ones) but I'm pretty sure the ones w boyfriends are happy & not being pressured to anything awful. Fingers crossed!

It's more on the news or in books that I've heard about pressure for anal sex. I have had several worrying stories about cooking & other weird stuff tho.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:49

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:46

Your ageism is showing.

What? How is my post prejudiced against older people?

I suppose you mean it's prejudiced against younger people, my own age group..?

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:50

Weird cooking sex?

The only times I’ve ever done anal I was giving not receiving but I’m guessing that’s not what you mean.

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 20:51

I don't think the misogyny & other bad attitudes that one hears are fostered on there are only confined to a few terminally online weirdos.

Oh, I agree. This is so serious, governments are having conferences about it.

I've maintained throughout this thread that the way to handle bad attitudes is NEVER to comply with them. In trying to analyse who should be shamed for enjoying no-strings sex, you've accepted that the online misogynists are right but perhaps not shaming enough people.

Bullshit. They're wrong: they shouldn't be shaming either sex for it. Also, if they made a bit more effort to interact socially with real people offline, they might get a bit of perspective!

studies show people who have had more partners are more likely to get divorced

You think it's a bad thing for people to know when they're getting a raw deal? I used to hear men say they preferred to be a girl's first lover because she wouldn't know if sex with him wasn't very good 😆 I reckon that sums it up.

A YouGov poll found that about 24% of people in serious relationships or who are married had sex within a month of their relationship starting, while about 21% waited one to three months. Another YouGov survey indicated that 17% of people believe it's ideal to have sex within a week, but 24% actually did, and 22% believe in waiting about a month.

Relationships: How long should you wait before having sex, moving in together, and getting engaged | YouGov

Men (38%) are more likely than women (20%) to think it’s acceptable for couples to have sex within the first month of dating, with 13% of men saying it's fine for this to happen in the first week.

https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/37341-relationships-dating-marriage-sex-milestones-poll

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 20:51

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:48

If everyone else acts like it's normal & cool, etc. Honestly I don't really discuss sex w most of my friends (at least not my straight ones) but I'm pretty sure the ones w boyfriends are happy & not being pressured to anything awful. Fingers crossed!

It's more on the news or in books that I've heard about pressure for anal sex. I have had several worrying stories about cooking & other weird stuff tho.

Is that pressure? Anal sex is a thing that people do. Lots of people do things that I wouldn't do but that doesn't make me feel pressured to go out and do them.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:52

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:47

What do you see as unethical? Can you give an example?

A famous example would be the Neil Gaiman case. The case is ambiguous in that it's possible at least some consented (though I personally suspect not) but they still felt humiliated & degraded afterwards by what happened.

Arguably tho I feel that case does seem clear ly non consensual tho some argue otherwise. I'll think of some more generic scenarios.

I suppose someone like Lily Phillips could be said to be in a grey area w that dreadful stunt bc she did consent but seemed very distressed afterwards. But that's an extreme case, I'll think of some more representative ones

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:53

The thing to remember about anal sex is twice as much lube as you think you need and some more for luck.

but I’m being flippant now.

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 20:55

BlueJuniper94 · 09/09/2025 20:42

It's weird you know about your parents test driving each other like a car 😂

FFS. "Like a car". You've got a real talent for an offensive turn of phrase.

They were in love.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:55

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 20:52

A famous example would be the Neil Gaiman case. The case is ambiguous in that it's possible at least some consented (though I personally suspect not) but they still felt humiliated & degraded afterwards by what happened.

Arguably tho I feel that case does seem clear ly non consensual tho some argue otherwise. I'll think of some more generic scenarios.

I suppose someone like Lily Phillips could be said to be in a grey area w that dreadful stunt bc she did consent but seemed very distressed afterwards. But that's an extreme case, I'll think of some more representative ones

The Neil Gaiman case is not in the least bit ambiguous.

In every report I’ve read he did not have clear unambiguous consent to the activities that took place.

it’s actually worrying that you call that ambiguous.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:00

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 20:55

The Neil Gaiman case is not in the least bit ambiguous.

In every report I’ve read he did not have clear unambiguous consent to the activities that took place.

it’s actually worrying that you call that ambiguous.

Yes, that's why I was a bit unsure about citing that. Quite a few articles I'd seen argued that Scarlett's messages to him indicated that maybe she gave consent and then regretted it after feeling awful afterwards. But that doesn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 21:01

CommissarySushi · 09/09/2025 20:44

Who is being subtly peer pressured into anal sex? What does that look like?

It isn't subtle. There have been inquiries into the effect of porn on teenagers, who've been getting the idea that anal sex is what you do. None of them being at all experienced, they're making a right mess of it - boys and girls both accepting that sex is painful for girls, causes injuries, and this is the right way to show love. Many of them were having anal before they'd even kissed.

It's been a major factor in the debates over how online porn should be restricted.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:02

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:00

Yes, that's why I was a bit unsure about citing that. Quite a few articles I'd seen argued that Scarlett's messages to him indicated that maybe she gave consent and then regretted it after feeling awful afterwards. But that doesn't sit right with me.

What do you mean it doesn’t sit right with you? That’s an odd turn of phrase to use.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:05

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:02

What do you mean it doesn’t sit right with you? That’s an odd turn of phrase to use.

I mean that it's possible but from the account she gave, I find it really to hard to believe she was consenting. I suspect the apparently positive texts were a fawn response, esp as she was relying on him for accommodation etc.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:07

You’re so obviously young in the way you write. And the way you phrase things.

honestly the best advice I can give you is turn off the tv and go out and do something less boring instead.

Go out and build actual real life relationships - not just romantic ones - with all sorts of different people of all ages and types and backgrounds, lots of different people who are different to you.

Because right now, here, this, it’s not coming across particularly well.

Nothankyov · 09/09/2025 21:08

The answer couldn’t be simpler. No one should be shamed. As long as there is no cheating and it’s consensual (should go without saying) then no one should be shamed.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:11

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 21:01

It isn't subtle. There have been inquiries into the effect of porn on teenagers, who've been getting the idea that anal sex is what you do. None of them being at all experienced, they're making a right mess of it - boys and girls both accepting that sex is painful for girls, causes injuries, and this is the right way to show love. Many of them were having anal before they'd even kissed.

It's been a major factor in the debates over how online porn should be restricted.

Exactly , the pressure isn't simply subtle peer pressure, it's full-on pressure from boys getting their sexual cues from porn. My mum read Tanith Carey's 2013 book Girls Uninterrupted where she warned about this, and as a result she was always careful to monitor my Internet use, which I'm glad of. I went to an all girls school & most parents there were similarly strict, no one wax watching porn afaik, but that's clearly not the typical situation for a lot of people.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/sep/02/i-think-its-natural-why-has-sexual-choking-become-so-prevalent-among-young-people#comments

Rise in popularity of anal sex has led to health problems for women

Incontinence, bleeding and STIs among the consequences, say two surgeons, who want doctors to have open chats with patients on the topic

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:25

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:07

You’re so obviously young in the way you write. And the way you phrase things.

honestly the best advice I can give you is turn off the tv and go out and do something less boring instead.

Go out and build actual real life relationships - not just romantic ones - with all sorts of different people of all ages and types and backgrounds, lots of different people who are different to you.

Because right now, here, this, it’s not coming across particularly well.

Hmm..so I must be young & ignorant of people of other ages and backgrounds bc-
I think that on average, women are less keen on casual sex than men are,

I don't approve of D/S or violent kinks (or ones involving racism, misogyny or homophobia)

and I think it's better if divorce doesn't take place (though I have clarified that cheating/abusive partners are obvs different)

I really don't think that any of these opinions are as out-there as you think...

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:28

I never said you were ignorant. That is your word.

and you are young. 19, objectively, is young.

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 21:30

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:25

Hmm..so I must be young & ignorant of people of other ages and backgrounds bc-
I think that on average, women are less keen on casual sex than men are,

I don't approve of D/S or violent kinks (or ones involving racism, misogyny or homophobia)

and I think it's better if divorce doesn't take place (though I have clarified that cheating/abusive partners are obvs different)

I really don't think that any of these opinions are as out-there as you think...

Edited

What does it really matter if slightly less women are into casual sex than men? It's never going to be exactly the same is it.

Not many people agree with racism misogyny or homophobia, that's for a different thread surely.

Of course in an ideal world people wouldnt get divorced, but what's your point.