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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:31

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:28

I never said you were ignorant. That is your word.

and you are young. 19, objectively, is young.

You implied it when saying that I should meet people of different ages and backgrounds. As if I couldn't have done that and still have these opinions.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:32

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:31

You implied it when saying that I should meet people of different ages and backgrounds. As if I couldn't have done that and still have these opinions.

I didn’t imply that you were ignorant.

Don’t put words into my mouth. That is rude. And unfair when I never said that.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:32

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 21:30

What does it really matter if slightly less women are into casual sex than men? It's never going to be exactly the same is it.

Not many people agree with racism misogyny or homophobia, that's for a different thread surely.

Of course in an ideal world people wouldnt get divorced, but what's your point.

I posted that bc RemingtonSteele was implying that I must be ignorant of different kinds of people bc I hold those opinions

OP posts:
Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 21:33

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:31

You implied it when saying that I should meet people of different ages and backgrounds. As if I couldn't have done that and still have these opinions.

You are only 19, you've got many years ahead of you to continue meeting people and learning. That's the problem with a lot of what you are saying, you've simply not had the life experience due to your age.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:34

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:32

I didn’t imply that you were ignorant.

Don’t put words into my mouth. That is rude. And unfair when I never said that.

Well what were you trying to imply then? Saying that I should meet different kinds of people of different ages and backgrounds implies that I must only know a few kinds of people & know little about the wider world.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:35

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:32

I posted that bc RemingtonSteele was implying that I must be ignorant of different kinds of people bc I hold those opinions

Again. I never said you were ignorant.

it’s rude to ascribe words to people that they didn’t say. It’s not debating in good faith to do that.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:37

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:34

Well what were you trying to imply then? Saying that I should meet different kinds of people of different ages and backgrounds implies that I must only know a few kinds of people & know little about the wider world.

Get the fuck off the Internet and stop navel gazing and worrying about other people and go and live your fucking life. It’s short. Before you know it you’ll be old and the menopausal woman with no fucks left to give. And you’ll wish you had done more and had more fun and I guarantee you won’t wish you’d spent more time on the internet telling people where they were wrong.

Tontostitis · 09/09/2025 21:37

I feel sorry for promiscuous men I think they are trying to fill some sort of emotional void. I'll never know the real true deep sex connection you can get when you're in love and faithful. And I think more people think that than don't.

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 21:38

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 21:33

You are only 19, you've got many years ahead of you to continue meeting people and learning. That's the problem with a lot of what you are saying, you've simply not had the life experience due to your age.

This.

I think most of us look back at our teenage 'know it all' years and cringe.

Nowhere near as much lived experience as we thought.

And I think it's worse for teenagers today whose 'lived experience' is mostly from things they've read online.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:38

I don’t need to imply anything. I’ll tell you out straight. But I never ever ever called you ignorant and that is a bare faced lie.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:40

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 21:33

You are only 19, you've got many years ahead of you to continue meeting people and learning. That's the problem with a lot of what you are saying, you've simply not had the life experience due to your age.

Yes, I accept that I've still got things to learn...this ties in with what I was thinking just now. When I googled the studies I posted on this thread, I saw some saying that women regret casual sex less when they initiate, and that they're less likely to agree if sober.

So maybe women like casual sex more than studies show, but they give negative responses bc their main experience has been when drunk or when they didn't initiate and perhaps felt under pressure.

After all there's still norms that men initiate, to some extent at least, and women are more likely to agree to stuff they don't want.

Whereas probs the best way for women to enjoy would be to take more control.

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 09/09/2025 21:40

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:25

Hmm..so I must be young & ignorant of people of other ages and backgrounds bc-
I think that on average, women are less keen on casual sex than men are,

I don't approve of D/S or violent kinks (or ones involving racism, misogyny or homophobia)

and I think it's better if divorce doesn't take place (though I have clarified that cheating/abusive partners are obvs different)

I really don't think that any of these opinions are as out-there as you think...

Edited

Do you think it's better to stay in an unhappy relationship?

i got around the whole divorce issue by just not getting married.

you don't need to approve of anyone else's kink. If it's not your thing that's absolutely fine. But your approval isn't needed for anyone else.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:41

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:40

Yes, I accept that I've still got things to learn...this ties in with what I was thinking just now. When I googled the studies I posted on this thread, I saw some saying that women regret casual sex less when they initiate, and that they're less likely to agree if sober.

So maybe women like casual sex more than studies show, but they give negative responses bc their main experience has been when drunk or when they didn't initiate and perhaps felt under pressure.

After all there's still norms that men initiate, to some extent at least, and women are more likely to agree to stuff they don't want.

Whereas probs the best way for women to enjoy would be to take more control.

Women taking control is a kink though and you do not approve of kinks ….

Anchorage56 · 09/09/2025 21:45

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:40

Yes, I accept that I've still got things to learn...this ties in with what I was thinking just now. When I googled the studies I posted on this thread, I saw some saying that women regret casual sex less when they initiate, and that they're less likely to agree if sober.

So maybe women like casual sex more than studies show, but they give negative responses bc their main experience has been when drunk or when they didn't initiate and perhaps felt under pressure.

After all there's still norms that men initiate, to some extent at least, and women are more likely to agree to stuff they don't want.

Whereas probs the best way for women to enjoy would be to take more control.

It's not rocket science that when too much alcohol is involved it increases the likelihood of regret, people have regrets about simply being drunk and the fear about what they said/did.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:46

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:37

Get the fuck off the Internet and stop navel gazing and worrying about other people and go and live your fucking life. It’s short. Before you know it you’ll be old and the menopausal woman with no fucks left to give. And you’ll wish you had done more and had more fun and I guarantee you won’t wish you’d spent more time on the internet telling people where they were wrong.

I think it's good to have some concern for things that don't directly affect your life.

I appreciate that subjects like this are emotive, and I did phrase my OP in rather a one-sided way, it should have been worded better.

But I think this has been a very interesting discussion. As I said, I've learnt useful things from discussions on FWR on various feminist issues, and I don't think discussing things on the Internet in a way that would be harder to do in real life is a bad thing.

I'll be leaving their thread for today, but interested to see what, (if anything!) is posted tomorrow evening. I certainly have food for thought.

I am very grateful for all the responses, I will give more replies tomorrow evening. I know I haven't see eye to eye with all posters on this thread, but it has been very valuable to hear different points of view.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:56

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 21:38

I don’t need to imply anything. I’ll tell you out straight. But I never ever ever called you ignorant and that is a bare faced lie.

. That isn't what you meant to imply. I apologise for the misunderstanding.

'So I must be ignorant' was my interpretation of what you said, I was not claiming you used those exact words, I am sorry it came across that way.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 22:06

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:25

Hmm..so I must be young & ignorant of people of other ages and backgrounds bc-
I think that on average, women are less keen on casual sex than men are,

I don't approve of D/S or violent kinks (or ones involving racism, misogyny or homophobia)

and I think it's better if divorce doesn't take place (though I have clarified that cheating/abusive partners are obvs different)

I really don't think that any of these opinions are as out-there as you think...

Edited

You know your posts are right there don’t you? I can literally quote what you said.

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 22:08

You don’t approve of D/s but you think women should take control.

You know that’s one of the most common kinks? Femdom ….

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:09

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 22:08

You don’t approve of D/s but you think women should take control.

You know that’s one of the most common kinks? Femdom ….

There's a difference between taking control and being a BDSM Dominant in a D/S dynamic. You know that very well.

OP posts:
NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 22:09

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 19:43

I'm not worried about women genuinely enjoying those things. I'm just not convinced it's the majority.

I think we could literally line women up outside your house telling you they enjoy it and you'd be telling them "it's a shame men have made you think this..."

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 22:12

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:09

There's a difference between taking control and being a BDSM Dominant in a D/S dynamic. You know that very well.

Edited

That’s the actual definition of Femdom. Women being in control.

I said D/s. I didn’t mention the B or M. What are you using for the S by the way? Sadism or submission?

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 22:13

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 22:09

I think we could literally line women up outside your house telling you they enjoy it and you'd be telling them "it's a shame men have made you think this..."

Stop being so ridiculous. Lots of women have posted on this thread saying they love casual sex, and I've not called them liars, bc I believe them.

I just think they're not typical of the majority.

OP posts:
GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 22:21

Whereas probs the best way for women to enjoy would be to take more control.

I think this is a marvellous revelation to have at only 19! I agree with your basic analysis there - I'd add a lot more, which comes with experience, but YES!

I read Intercourse in my early twenties. I recognised what Saint Andrea was saying - and my considered response was to rework my attitude to sex.

I got rid of my internalised sexual objectification and replaced it with proud enjoyment of my sexual body.
I stopped wondering if I was attractive to men or a man, and started asking myself whom I was attracted to.
I consciously changed my 'rape' fantasies (which are not rape fantasies, of course) to fantasies of mutuality or scenarios under my control.
I gave up trying to please a man in bed, focusing instead on my pleasure (his pleasure contributes to that, It's not my aim).
I stopped faking orgasms, but started allowing my orgasms to be loud and abandoned.
I promised myself I'd never agree to anything I wasn't keen on, never to tolerate shoddy sex, never to blame myself or another woman for being sexually mistreated, and to dismiss all sexualised criticisms of me and of other women.

It's one of the best decisions I ever took.
I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in life, had some crap experiences along with the good ones - and I've had a brilliant sex life 😊

https://caringlabor.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/intercourse-andrea-dworkin.pdf

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 22:25

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 21:56

. That isn't what you meant to imply. I apologise for the misunderstanding.

'So I must be ignorant' was my interpretation of what you said, I was not claiming you used those exact words, I am sorry it came across that way.

The true meaning of ignorant is 'not knowing'. We're all ignorant of more stuff than not and, at the beginning of adult life, it's natural and expected to be ignorant about most things.

But, anyhow, the PP didn't use that word and your reply is gracious.

NoThanksNeeded · 09/09/2025 22:26

BlueJuniper94 · 09/09/2025 20:31

Girls being pressured into having anal sex with "boyfriends" who won't even hold their hand

Pressured means it's not fully consensual...